Another sad soldier story...

[Kensou X]

Hello there everyone. I’m a first time caller / first time listener. I was recommended this site by a friend of mine who has found a bit of solace within these forums so hopefully it can do the same for me. I suppose I should start, as with most things, from the beginning. It’s a bit of a long story so to those of you who brave it all the way through I give thee kudos and to those of you that also manage to reply I salute you. Let’s begin shall we:

 

I met this girl at school. We were both just starting our first year at this particular school. We shared 2 classes and so we naturally began talking to each other pretty quickly. I already found her very physically attractive (despite the fact that she smokes which is normally a big taboo for me) with the rest of the attractions growing everyday that I got to know her better regardless our age difference (she’s about 2 ½ years older than me). There was a concert that I was planning to go to and she asked if she could come along. I obviously had no problem with this and while it wasn’t any kind of an official “date”, it was our first time out together outside of school. From then on we began hanging out with each other often either at her dorm (which she shared with 2 other people and random guests who would invite themselves in) or go out on drives or other such things. I didn’t care what we did as long as I hung out with her. I also began picking her up from work and school on the nights that she was working late (she never asked me to do this; it was just something I wanted to do). I knew what her feelings were on dating younger guys (she was totally against it) and so that coupled with the fact that I was starting to crush on her heavily (for the first time on anyone in about 4 -5 years at the time) it was starting to depress me. I was getting to the point where I was seriously thinking about confronting her with my feelings and telling her that if there was no way for us to be together then I wasn’t sure if I could stay friends with her simply due to my feelings for her.

 

Then came the night that I will never forget: We had spent the evening together and I had driven her home. We were waiting in the parking lot when she decided that she just didn’t want to go home because she was so sick of all the people that were always in her apartment. So first we decided to go get some drinks and hang out on the beach. After that it was already pretty late at night and she still didn’t want to go home. So I decided to take her to the bayside area in Sausalito. We were sitting there on the rocks looking into the bay when she asked me if we could make out with no strings attached. I said no. I then told her how I felt about her and so I could not agree with any kind of a “no strings attached” policy. She felt really bad for me and held me for the rest of the night until I took her home. We continued to hang out although with a bit more awkwardness now. We even started hanging out at my house (after my grandmother was asleep anyways). Then a week or two later, while we were watching TV at her place, she asked me again but this time just by kissing me on the cheek. This time I said yes cause I felt that it was an opportunity that I shouldn’t pass up and something could possibly grow from it. We continued to go on like this and I wasn’t quite sure where our relationship was. The relationship continued to grow both emotionally and physically to the point where she was starting to stay over at my place despite my grandmother being there (she’s an “old country” lady and you can see how this would be a big no-no if we got caught). She even got to the point where she finally admitted that we were actually “together” and not just “friends plus”. This is around the time where the scare of my being deployed to “somewhere” started creeping up…but nothing was set in stone. Well eventually we got cocky and I got caught trying to sneak her out of the house. Needless to say she wasn’t allowed to come back. There went our ability to spend whole nights alone together. So we spent more time at her place again until the day came that I got the call that we were being deployed to Iraq. Lots of tears as you can imagine and one of the last nights we spent together we talked and she said that she wasn’t going to be able to handle me being away. I was reluctant but I accepted that and left thinking that we were through as a couple. This was back in Feb of 03.

 

For the 2 months that I was still in the states getting ready to go on the east coast we continued talking on the phone…as if we were still together. I even remember one night specifically where we had a very mild fight but she later called and left me a tearful voicemail telling me that she didn’t want to lose me and all of this stuff. We eventually agreed that we would wait for each other after all… I mean come on…I was only going to be gone 6 months…right? We kept in contact as well as we could after I left the country either through emails and letters or phone calls. I bought her all kinds of things to alleviate her stresses from school and home like a CD walkman and a heater and other such little things that would bug her just so that she would have as little to worry about as possible while still knowing how much I care about her. Eventually, October came and I managed to get myself on the list of people that got to go home for 2 weeks (which I was not originally on but fought to get just to see her). By this point she had actually ended up renting the room that I was living in at my grandmother’s house!! Strange I know but they started talking a bit after I left and my grandmother eventually offered the room. I thought this was a bad idea because my grandmother and I (or most anyone else in the family) don’t get along very well as it is and my girl and I have very similar personalities; the only difference is that my grandmother and I are family so I can deal with her a bit more sternly while my girlfriend would just have to put up with it. But it started off good and having my girlfriend already there when I got home was great for me. I spent a few days of the 2 weeks at my mom’s house but spent the majority of the time having much needed quality time with my girlfriend (it also helped as far as time is concerned that she was unemployed). We spent all our time together and even slept in the same bed despite the fact that it was still considered bad juju in my grandmother’s house but we didn’t care. About halfway through my time my girlfriend told me that she loved me and I told her. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to tell her but I was already in love with her so I did anyways. The last night I spent with her she would not let me go to see my mom one last time. I don’t mean she would actually not let me go just sub-consciously she wouldn’t let go…which I didn’t mind but I had to go back. I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s chance of getting to come home. Back in Iraq our relationship just seem to continue to grow and the “I love you’s” continued. While she was still unemployed I helped her with one month’s rent. Somehow the western union transaction got back to my grandmother and she began to think that I was always paying for the rent and that this girl was just mooching off me (which she wasn’t). This I believe is what started the bad blood between them. My grandmother eventually began treating my girlfriend differently without any explanation and talking about her to other people including my mother and the lady that lives downstairs. My girlfriend is not stupid and caught on to it quickly but tried to let it slide off her back. She eventually also ended up getting a job…which she hated (she finds terribleness in everything usually: she wasn’t happy in the dorms, she hates the school and most of the people there, her old job and now at my grandmothers house and her current job and she said a few times that I have always been her anchor in these times…at least while I was there). So she and my grandmother had had a few arguments by this point and one involving a broken cup was the straw that broke the camel’s back apparently. All this crap going on while I’m over “there” helpless to do anything about it but let her vent to me. She soon moved out and into the house of one of her girlfriends where she is now currently living. She seems a lot happier there. Whatever makes her happy makes me happy so this was good just that the convenience of having her already here is gone but whatever…we’ll work it out. In about Dec time she asks me to help her out getting a laptop so that she doesn’t have to do her homework at school because she simply hates being there. As I said, I would do anything to alleviate her stresses and it’ll be a good Christmas present so I just buy and send her the whole damn laptop via a website. She loves it, thanks me, says she owes me when I get back yadda yadda yadda. January comes and it’s already been assured that we’ll be leaving Iraq in February and I notice that the “I love you’s” are starting to disappear at the end of the phone calls which are starting to get shorter and shorter. It was so close to the end and I didn’t want to push any buttons over the phone so I didn’t really touch on these problems (besides…she wouldn’t even tell me what was going on: “what’s wrong” “nothing” you know how it is). Things continued like this even after I got back to the states.

 

Then came the day that we were finally reunited: I rented a car and went to pick her up at her house because she was working when my flight came in. I was greeted with a very luke-warm welcome and barely one arm around me and no kiss followed by “hurry up and get in the car; it’s cold.” Well this turned my huge smile into a look of depression. I had checked into a hotel for the first 2 nights I was back and she stayed with me but things were different. We did eventually get back “into the swing of things” but that too seemed…different. It’s as if we weren’t connected anymore. We were talking less and me being the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve was even quieter so I’m sure I seemed like a “different person” but I was just knocked off track by my lack-luster reception. A week after I was home a friend and I took a trip to Japan for our leave which was a dream come true for me and to fly for free plus get paid was a deal I couldn’t refuse. Everyone understood including her but she who used to say “I don’t want you going to those strip clubs! I’m serious!” was now saying “Go and have fun. I want you to have fun.” So this, again, gives me a weird feeling. After I get back I try to have dinner with her and she ends up “losing track of time” at a friend’s house working on finals. I try to see her again and it happens again but this time not as late and so we still meet. We meet up at a train station. I’m greeted with a kiss on the lips and a taking of my arm. We make for the restaurant when she quickly turns towards a wall and says “we need to talk”. I already know what’s coming next and she knows I know and so she starts crying and saying “I’m so sorry. You’re so incredible. I’m sorry” I ask her a few times if there’s someone else and she continually says no. I believe her but have a hard time thinking that there isn’t some third party involved somehow. I give her the souvenir I got her from Japan and leave angry; she leaves crying. She calls me later while I’m at the pier thinking to myself. She says she just wants me to be happy although she’s the first thing to ever make me happy…seriously. We arrange to talk about it later in the week, after finals. She tells me she just “changed”, and I was gone too long. I asked her if we could at least start over especially after everything I’ve done for her. She said no. The night ended with us caressing hands and a couple of kisses. Since then we’ve still talked and hung out a little bit but I’m still always depressed about it around her which bothers her and so then she gets angry. It’s something I wish I could change but it’s so hard. I even get depressed if she receives a phone call…even if it’s from a job or something. We don’t talk or hang out as much as we used to now and when we do the night usually ends up with us arguing about our situation. They don’t all end bad but the fact that they happen is bad. She now has a new job which she also enjoys. So now she has the good home, good job and some friends and so I’m feeling like I’m no longer needed is what’s going on. Like she got all that she needed out of me and so now she can just easily toss me aside to make way for her “real friends” who were there for her while I was gone…for too long. I’m sure this isn’t really true but I also suffer from a disease called “over active imagination” which doesn’t help my situation.

 

So finally…my problem: I. Still. Love. This. Girl. I want her back so badly. Before I came back, when I was around things were so unimaginably great. Now it’s all turned to crap and I have no idea why. I can understand her resentment towards me for leaving and the length of time that I was gone and I’m sure that in the end she’s just really scared of something that might not even be apparent to her. I think she even started to think into the future and who knows…maybe that’s what scared her. I know these sound like the words of a crazy person but I need to find a way to get her back but I’m not sure how to go about it. It sounds young and foolish, I know, but she made me so happy and I’d like to think I did the same for her. We barely had a chance to even get started and I believe we owe it to ourselves to explore where this should’ve gone. I don’t know if any of you can/will help but I at least thank you for listening and for any responses you give…even if it’s not what I want to hear.

[livingthelife]

I am a complete stranger to you, I might tell you things you dont want to hear.. but it all comes from wanting to help you.

 

1. You said that you hadnt been in a serious relationship for years prior to meeting this girl.

Why is that? Did it have to do with not having the opportunity to be with anyone else? Or were you looking for the right one... if you answer " there were no other opportunities".. dont confuse love with wanting to be in love.

 

 

2. Life is Crazy and unfair. She is not the one for you. The right woman is out there.. it hurts to let go.. sometimes you have to let it burn. Chasing after her and wearing your heart on your sleeve wont make her like you more.

 

3. If she was with you when she was down and out.. and now she isnt and doesnt need you.. why would you want to be with someone like that?

 

You are BRAVE, COURAGOUS, SENSITIVE and WELL SPOKEN.. please dont sell yourself short.. if she doesnt want to be with you .. oh well!!! the next woman will cherish you....

 

Have faith.. .you have a choice to be sad or to be happy that you had the experience with her at all...

[Kensou X]

No, it's not that I hadn't been in a relationship for years (my last one was about a year and a half before this one) it's that I hadn't had an actual genuine crush on a girl for years (years being since my first girlfriend).

 

I know letting go sounds right and that would seem to be the best idea but (I really really really don't want to sound cliche) this girl was so different and made me feel so good about myself (or at least she did). And so if she knows that she ruined me emotionally and is the cause of all my depression why then does she still want to be friends? ( I think i forgot to mention that part)

[livingthelife]

she wants to be friends with you because you are a wonderful person.

people dont just forget about people they have shared intimate times with.

believe she knows you are deprressed and down in the dumps..

 

if you are dead set on trying to win her back ( i am against it)..

show her what a great guy you are.. not by falling all over her but really being a happy energetic person..

 

who wants to be with someone that is depressed?

iif she really loves you, she will come back.. if she doenst.. you havent lost anything and you would have already been on your road to recovery....