Does My Past Matter?

[Under The Radar]

Hello,

 

I became involved with a married woman 48 years of age when I was 25. We worked together and had been friends for two years beforehand. The relationship ended, of her choosing, when I was 33. I was with no other woman those 8 years, but as time went forward I realized how unhealthy my predicament was. I loved her dearly, but felt my life slipping away. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave her. I felt like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage, I loved her, and she was very motherly towards me. I came from a broken home and was lonely.

 

When we parted, which was devastating for me, I began dating a 29 year old woman. I was ecstatic believing I had a chance to start over and have a healthy relationship with potential for a family. When asked about my previous relationship I told her I was with an older woman, who had two children, for many years. I wanted to tell her the truth, but was afraid to be judged and abandoned.

 

At 10 months I decided to tell her my story thinking it the right thing to do. I wanted her to know where I came from and accept. She told me it broke her heart and ruined the innocence of our relationship. She said that before I disclosed my past she viewed me as "prince charming". She told her family and friends so they disliked me.

 

Although the relationship lasted 4 years (I proposed to her at 3.5 years which she accepted) I know she never forgave me for my past and not telling her up front about it. I explained I was afraid to be defined by that relationship and I wanted her to see me for who I really am. She beat me up for my past and never trusted me after that throughout the entire relationship. I will always wonder if it would have worked had I not told her about my past. I am 37 now.

 

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

[wheelwright]

Hello,

 

I became involved with a married woman 48 years of age when I was 25. We worked together and had been friends for two years beforehand. The relationship ended, of her choosing, when I was 33. I was with no other woman those 8 years, but as time went forward I realized how unhealthy my predicament was. I loved her dearly, but felt my life slipping away. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave her. I felt like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage, I loved her, and she was very motherly towards me. I came from a broken home and was lonely.

 

When we parted, which was devastating for me, I began dating a 29 year old woman. I was ecstatic believing I had a chance to start over and have a healthy relationship with potential for a family. When asked about my previous relationship I told her I was with an older woman, who had two children, for many years. I wanted to tell her the truth, but was afraid to be judged and abandoned.

 

At 10 months I decided to tell her my story thinking it the right thing to do. I wanted her to know where I came from and accept. She told me it broke her heart and ruined the innocence of our relationship. She said that before I disclosed my past she viewed me as "prince charming". She told her family and friends so they disliked me.

 

Although the relationship lasted 4 years (I proposed to her at 3.5 years which she accepted) I know she never forgave me for my past and not telling her up front about it. I explained I was afraid to be defined by that relationship and I wanted her to see me for who I really am. She beat me up for my past and never trusted me after that throughout the entire relationship. I will always wonder if it would have worked had I not told her about my past. I am 37 now.

 

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

 

If you fall in love, you will want to tell most stuff. That's the nature of the beast.

 

I would advise not keeping much to yourself. You want your life partner to know you.

 

However, you can operate with a certain amount of discretion, just as you do with friends.

 

I don't think your past is shameful. Maybe you see it as a mistake. Shame is not a great emotion. Likely some other woman will be very understanding.

 

If you have a R where you do not fall in love, this issue will bite you in the a$$. Falling in love requires that the two people see each other for better or worse.

 

You sound like a really nice and sensitive person. Good luck with all that.

[Gentlegirl]

Pardon me for saying this, but I think your x Gf might have been living in fairy land.

 

Imagine if you had married her and something else had destroyed her image of prince charming, like your dirty socks or maybe you snore in bed?

 

Anyway, I think it had little to do with your past and more to do with an immaturity in her.

 

Your past is just that. It doesn't make a baddy, it's just part of you.

 

Hope you find a sensible loving girl who can accept you for who you are.

 

Best wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

[Under The Radar]

Thank you wheelwright for your reply - I really appreciate it. Can you please elaborate on what you mean by if I have an R, and don't fall in love, this issue will bite me in the a$$? I am not sure I understand.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks for your reply gentlegirl. Yes, I think she was immature and tends to look at most things as black or white. Therefore, my disclosure led her to believing I am a bad person instead of a good person who made a mistake when he was younger. I know I learned a lot from my relationship with both woman. I often struggle now with the thought of whether I am a good or a bad person. I keep hearing her words in my head about how amazing I was before I told her. It really did a number on my self-esteem.

[tami-chan]

Hello,

 

I became involved with a married woman 48 years of age when I was 25. We worked together and had been friends for two years beforehand. The relationship ended, of her choosing, when I was 33. I was with no other woman those 8 years, but as time went forward I realized how unhealthy my predicament was. I loved her dearly, but felt my life slipping away. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave her. I felt like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage, I loved her, and she was very motherly towards me. I came from a broken home and was lonely.

 

When we parted, which was devastating for me, I began dating a 29 year old woman. I was ecstatic believing I had a chance to start over and have a healthy relationship with potential for a family. When asked about my previous relationship I told her I was with an older woman, who had two children, for many years. I wanted to tell her the truth, but was afraid to be judged and abandoned.

 

At 10 months I decided to tell her my story thinking it the right thing to do. I wanted her to know where I came from and accept. She told me it broke her heart and ruined the innocence of our relationship. She said that before I disclosed my past she viewed me as "prince charming". She told her family and friends so they disliked me.

 

Although the relationship lasted 4 years (I proposed to her at 3.5 years which she accepted) I know she never forgave me for my past and not telling her up front about it. I explained I was afraid to be defined by that relationship and I wanted her to see me for who I really am. She beat me up for my past and never trusted me after that throughout the entire relationship. I will always wonder if it would have worked had I not told her about my past. I am 37 now.

 

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

 

I am sorry that your exGF was very immature. You have dodged a bullet. However, in the future you might want to be open about it. Most people have something in their past that other people might disapprove of. You must not be afraid of the choices you have made IN THE PAST. You are older now and hopefully, have learned life lessons along the way. BTW, I find that most people (at least in my experience) do not care about past actions-what;s important is who are you now?

[Under The Radar]

Thanks tami-chan for your help. So, it seems the general consensus is honesty is my best policy? When should one be honest about something like this. I doubt this is something I should mention on the first few dates? I am scared that this will be too much for most woman to accept and then what could have been a great relationship will never have been. Was ten months too long to hide this in my previous relationship?

[woinlove]

I revealed my past as an OW to my now H and it wasn't any problem. He understood why I had been an OW -- childhood issues which left me with a limited capacity to really love and have empathy for others -- and saw in me a potential for change. He was right and I did learn to love deeply and to care more for others.

 

If you understand why you chose a married woman and have learned from that, it probably won't be a problem even for those whose ethics and empathy wouldn't allow them to be a partner to betrayal. On the other hand, if you still don't see anything wrong with choosing married partners from an ethical standpoint, then you might be limited to people who share your ethics.

 

In any case, I recommend honesty and openness as you open your heart to a lover who you might want to share your life with. The alternative doesn't sound like a real R to me and will miss so much in intimacy and shared support and love -- the kind that allows us to continually grow into the people we love to be and to be with.

[wheelwright]

Thank you wheelwright for your reply - I really appreciate it. Can you please elaborate on what you mean by if I have an R, and don't fall in love, this issue will bite me in the a$$? I am not sure I understand.

 

I just mean if you fall in love you will share this stuff without shame.

 

But many Rs are formed without this total recognition, and they can be very positive.

 

But the missing bit will be a challenge or an acknowledged status.

 

You will know there is a part of you hidden. It won't make the R untenable though.

 

It will make it compromised. Not a meeting of souls.

 

Anyway, I definately don't know all that much. That's my hunch.

[woinlove]

Thanks tami-chan for your help. So, it seems the general consensus is honesty is my best policy? When should one be honest about something like this. I doubt this is something I should mention on the first few dates? I am scared that this will be too much for most woman to accept and then what could have been a great relationship will never have been. Was ten months too long to hide this in my previous relationship?

 

Ten months seems too long to me. By ten months most people have developed strong feelings and may hurt a lot when things end. No need to reveal on a first date or in the stage when you are just getting to know each other and it is clear you may not continue seeing each other. It is partly for your own feelings that you reveal, so you don't reveal very late and then get hurt by the rejection.

 

With my H, I recall I revealed about the 3rd date, but I was strongly drawn to reveal and connect with him and just went with the flow. I'm not sure he knew what to do with all the information initially, but we grew into it. A different schedule may feel right for you.

[tami-chan]

Thanks tami-chan for your help. So, it seems the general consensus is honesty is my best policy? When should one be honest about something like this. I doubt this is something I should mention on the first few dates? I am scared that this will be too much for most woman to accept and then what could have been a great relationship will never have been. Was ten months too long to hide this in my previous relationship?

 

Do people actually talk about their past on first dates? I mean, I guess you can talk about it just to get it out in the open. You are a loyal person and you love wholeheartedly, it seems. If a woman does not recognize or appreciate that...then you know what? She does not deserve someone like you.

 

I think that you stayed in that relationship too long, considering her reaction. You MUST not think of you not talking about your past as "hiding"...you must think of it as "none of her business"...HOWEVER, you can ask your date how much of your past does she want to know...how you loved that MW was touching...many woman wish for someone to be loved like how you loved her. Your date might actually like that you are capable of loving like that.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks woinlove, that is what I was hoping for when I told her about my past. I wanted to share my story so she would know where I came from. I did not want to hide my past from her and always feel like she didn't really understand me. It pains me greatly that I was judged so harshly by her, her friends, and her mother. The really saddening part is that the person she claimed to fall in love with is the real me. I didn't pretend to be someone else in order to be with her. Yet, I would be condemned for the remaining 38 months of the relationship as a liar and a manipulator. I must have apologized hundreds of times and in the process relinquished my self-esteem. I don't want to move forward with doubts about who I am.

[Cabin]

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

 

While I don't think you are obligated, I do think sharing with someone you love brings such a sense of relief, and intimacy and mutual acceptance... so the standard should be sharing openly.

 

As for timelines of when to tell, perhaps 10 months was too long. Trying to time it just right will be difficult, of course, but I would think once you and a future GF get to the point where she's sharing past relationship details, you could do the same.

 

The thing that will be important for any woman in your life to know is that, at the end of the day, you do value commitment and you will want commitment with her.

 

Most adults are well-rounded and wise enough to know that love relationships don't always fit in black and white thinking.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you wheelwright for the clarification. Yes, I agree that if someone truly loves another person they should accept them as they are including their past. She would always tell me after I disclosed my past that I "tricked" her into falling in love with me. She always resented me for it.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you for your insight and kind words tami-chan. Yes, I agree with you that I stayed in the relationship too long. Funny thing is I had concluded that my relationship with the married woman was a mistake, but I was still a good person. I could have my regrets, learn from them, and become an even better human being. When I told this girl about my past, and she reacted with such anger and resentment, I began to question myself. I re-examined my role in the previous relationship and concluded maybe I was a piece if garbage. It really threw me for a loop and complicated things. I then got the notion I needed to "make up" for my past transgressions by staying with her. I wanted her forgiveness and validation.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you Cabin for your response. When I was younger, I used to view the world in more black and white thinking, including infidelity. My mother cheated on my father before they divorced and my first girlfriend cheated on me. I had a strong dislike for anyone in the situations and judged them hard. Then, when I found myself involved with a married woman, my views were obviously turned upside down. I realized there is a lot more gray in these situations than I chose to admit through my limited experience at that time.

[Under The Radar]

Another question I had is did I technically cheat when I was involved with the married woman? My X was worried I would cheat on her because of my involvement with a married woman. I tried to tell her that I was single when the relationship started with the married woman and that I was loyal to her throughout those 8 years. I never once hooked up with any other woman regardless of opportunities because I felt like I'd be betraying the married woman.

[woinlove]

Another question I had is did I technically cheat when I was involved with the married woman? My X was worried I would cheat on her because of my involvement with a married woman. I tried to tell her that I was single when the relationship started with the married woman and that I was loyal to her throughout those 8 years. I never once hooked up with any other woman regardless of opportunities because I felt like I'd be betraying the married woman.

 

No, you didn't cheat. You loved someone who was cheating and participated in their betrayal. Most OW/OM instinctively or consciously help the deception by making sure they don't phone MM/MW in the middle of dinner with their family, drop in on their family home announced, etc. Some participate even more actively in the deception. It is not kind to participate in deceiving another and I can understand why a potential life partner would want to understand how one managed that, why one did it, and how they have changed. If your GF did not see or appreciate the change in you, she wasn't the right partner for you. I'm not even sure how much I had already changed when I met my H, but he saw potential in me and his unconditional love for me helped me become a better person. I was and am lucky.

[tami-chan]

Thank you Cabin for your response. When I was younger, I used to view the world in more black and white thinking, including infidelity. My mother cheated on my father before they divorced and my first girlfriend cheated on me. I had a strong dislike for anyone in the situations and judged them hard. Then, when I found myself involved with a married woman, my views were obviously turned upside down. I realized there is a lot more gray in these situations than I chose to admit through my limited experience at that time.

 

Often, it is a lot easier to dole out judgments when we ourselves are removed from the situation or when we find ourselves at a perceived moral "high ground". Still, just because there are many "gray areas" does not mean we, as human beings do not strive to always do what is "right" and "fair".

 

You were a party to someone who was cheating-someone who was breaking a vow. You do not have a moral obligation to that covenant. Your moral obligation stems from what is fair and just and right to a fellow human being. Clearly, being a party to someone deceiving someone is not right-but it is over now. You now have to make a stand on whether you think that cheating is wrong or that it "depends on the situation".

 

Most people have strong feelings about this issue. You have to resolve this within yourself...I believe you think it is wrong-despite your participation in the past...so let that be your guiding principle from now on.

[bentnotbroken]

Always tell the truth. Your past is just that, your past. With that said, if someone who you desire to be with does not wish to be with you based on past behavior that is indeed their right. What does it mean...it just means that person isn't the one who is ready to love the person who you are now.

 

I must admit I would be skeptical about being with someone who was an AP, but there is room for change in everyone if they so desire. By stating the truth you showed yourself capable of giving another human a choice and in that you showed respect and courage.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you again for your thoughts on this matter and not judging me. I really do appreciate your time and compassion. Your responses are very helpful.

[MizzBlue72]

NO.

I think you should tell only what you want to tell.

[pureinheart]

Hi TR,

 

Please don't be embarrassed or ashamed of your past. Our pasts make us who we are today, and if someone judges you based on your past then it's better they leave asap anyway...

 

Take care!

[Under The Radar]

Thank you for your support pureinheart. I need to learn that my past doesn't necessarily define who I am today as a person. I never intended to become involved with someone who was married. We met when I was 23 and I am now 37 years old. I look back on those 8 years with her and only now do I truly understand how I should have let her go much earlier. I spent much of my 20's in a dead end relationship because I thought love was enough. Then, I was afraid to lose that love, so I stayed, even when my mind knew that the right answer was to move on.

[MissBee]

Hello,

 

I became involved with a married woman 48 years of age when I was 25. We worked together and had been friends for two years beforehand. The relationship ended, of her choosing, when I was 33. I was with no other woman those 8 years, but as time went forward I realized how unhealthy my predicament was. I loved her dearly, but felt my life slipping away. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave her. I felt like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage, I loved her, and she was very motherly towards me. I came from a broken home and was lonely.

 

When we parted, which was devastating for me, I began dating a 29 year old woman. I was ecstatic believing I had a chance to start over and have a healthy relationship with potential for a family. When asked about my previous relationship I told her I was with an older woman, who had two children, for many years. I wanted to tell her the truth, but was afraid to be judged and abandoned.

 

At 10 months I decided to tell her my story thinking it the right thing to do. I wanted her to know where I came from and accept. She told me it broke her heart and ruined the innocence of our relationship. She said that before I disclosed my past she viewed me as "prince charming". She told her family and friends so they disliked me.

 

Although the relationship lasted 4 years (I proposed to her at 3.5 years which she accepted) I know she never forgave me for my past and not telling her up front about it. I explained I was afraid to be defined by that relationship and I wanted her to see me for who I really am. She beat me up for my past and never trusted me after that throughout the entire relationship. I will always wonder if it would have worked had I not told her about my past. I am 37 now.

 

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

 

The woman meant for you will accept/look pas this and love you just the same.

 

I have learned to tell my truth and be authentic and those who truly love me, have no issues with it. I hate secrets, I hate having to hide key things from people I care about and for me, a life partner is one who I can be 100% honest with about my past, what has shaped me, etc. It is very stressful to build a relationship on falsehood or omission, you felt uncomfortable hiding the truth, and when you told the truth things ended. Yes it sucks, but quite honestly, I think it just wasn't meant to be. I like to tell the truth early on and allow this person to decide what they want rather than lie or omit the truth so I can get them to stay....that's not really love IMO, not to mention if it ever comes to light, then they'll find you to be a liar and most importantly they're building a relationship on a false image of you and the truth shatters "the innocence".

 

I think you should tell the truth about it, the right woman will not be put off and you can build a relationship on transparent grounds and you don't have to pretend or pick and choose your words to convey something other than the reality. You'll feel so much better to open and honest and have someone accept that.