Does My Past Matter?

[SidLyon]

Hello,

 

I became involved with a married woman 48 years of age when I was 25. We worked together and had been friends for two years beforehand. The relationship ended, of her choosing, when I was 33. I was with no other woman those 8 years, but as time went forward I realized how unhealthy my predicament was. I loved her dearly, but felt my life slipping away. I never made any wholehearted attempts to leave her. I felt like I'd be abandoning her to a failed marriage, I loved her, and she was very motherly towards me. I came from a broken home and was lonely.

 

When we parted, which was devastating for me, I began dating a 29 year old woman. I was ecstatic believing I had a chance to start over and have a healthy relationship with potential for a family. When asked about my previous relationship I told her I was with an older woman, who had two children, for many years. I wanted to tell her the truth, but was afraid to be judged and abandoned.

 

At 10 months I decided to tell her my story thinking it the right thing to do. I wanted her to know where I came from and accept. She told me it broke her heart and ruined the innocence of our relationship. She said that before I disclosed my past she viewed me as "prince charming". She told her family and friends so they disliked me.

 

Although the relationship lasted 4 years (I proposed to her at 3.5 years which she accepted) I know she never forgave me for my past and not telling her up front about it. I explained I was afraid to be defined by that relationship and I wanted her to see me for who I really am. She beat me up for my past and never trusted me after that throughout the entire relationship. I will always wonder if it would have worked had I not told her about my past. I am 37 now.

 

Am I obligated to tell any future woman about my past? I want to do the right thing in the future and I don't know what that is.

 

I haven't read beyond the first post yet but this strikes a chord with me.

 

When I first started going out with my H I had a deep dark secret about a relationship that had ended prior to meeting my H. It was a relationship that would have been frowned on by everyone (not because he was married or attached as I've never been an OW). Nevertheless a few people knew.

 

I didn't ever tell my H until recently after discovering his A. I can tell you it was one of the most liberating things to do. I no longer need live in fear that someone will tell him. Someone else I know implied that they might tell his mother which terrified me for years. I now don't care if his mother finds out. Her son has done far worse.

 

I kept this secret for more than 20 years and I really wish it had been known from the start.

[Under The Radar]

jwi71,

 

I have learned quite a bit from my experience as the OM. As mentioned before, I looked at cheating/infidelity as a black or white issue for much of my younger years. I viewed anyone in those type of relationships a bad people and judged them accordingly. When I became involved with a married woman at 25 it really threw me for a loop. Now, as the OM, my belief system was turned upside down and around. I was confused and tried to analyze what it meant regarding my worth as a human being. Was I bad now? I condemned myself at times for my actions, but made excuses in order to cope with the situation. I would rationalize the affair by telling myself her marriage failed 7 years before I met her (the last time she was intimate with her husband) and the fact we loved each other very much. I tried to explain some of this in Post # 64 if you get a chance to read my comments there.

 

I no longer look at cheating/affairs as simply black or white issues. I no longer sit back and judge the people who by choice or circumstance become involved with married individuals. I try to look at each situation independently and form my opinions based on that. I can say that without my personal experience with a married woman I would not see these shades of gray. Nevertheless, I would not choose to ever become involved with a married woman again.

 

I hope, in the future, I will see that I am a good man who made a bad mistake. The reaction by my current X (who I proposed to 6 months ago) ripped open some of the scabs that were healing from being the OM and caused me to doubt my self worth. Instead of believing I was a good person who made a bad mistake - now I was simply just a bad person.

 

I hope that you and everyone else who has shown their support to me on the forum are right in that someday I'll be accepted for who I am including my past.

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to weigh in on my story - I really appreciate it.

[Under The Radar]

Gentlegirl,

 

Thanks for the moral support. At 64 years young I am sure you have a tremendous amount of life experience from which to pull from

[Under The Radar]

jj33, yes, posting here has helped me a lot. You are right about not having had the time time to properly reflect between the relationships. As far as why I disclosed my past to my X, it was for the latter reason you gave: wanting share a part of myself with her I thought was important. Ironically, her reaction and subsequent poor treatment of me through the years created the guilt I am now experiencing in spades ...

[Under The Radar]

SidLyon,

 

I am sorry your husband had an affair and that it hurt you. I am happy, though, that you were able to reveal the secret that had been haunting for so many years. I can only imagine how liberating it must have felt to have that massive weight lifted off of your shoulders. I hope things work out for you two.

[Gentlegirl]

Gentlegirl,

 

Thanks for the moral support. At 64 years young I am sure you have a tremendous amount of life experience from which to pull from

 

My A was something I fell into because I couldn't handle several major life crises that occurred simultaneously. If you read the thread on whether an affair can ever be justified.... I put it all up there. I received a lot of flack for having an affair while my husband was in the last stages of Alzheimer's disease.

 

Everybody has a unique perspective on affairs.

 

I had never done anything like that in my life before and I never will again. It has taught me a lot about myself and how unaware of my mental state and my vulnerability I was. At the time, I was desperately lonely, being a carer and working as well. I had no life, no family and not much human contact outside of home. Like your A partner , it had been 10 years since I had had any physical relationship with my late husband.

 

Live and learn.... as long as we do, we are ok. Life throws stuff at us that is no fault of our own. If we can't cope as everybody else would like then.....?????? we simply can't.

 

I have read your thread here and I think you are a good man. You have had lots of things thrown at your head along the way and have coped the best you could. Your A doesn't mean you are ruined for the rest of your life. Neither does it make your A partner a bad woman.

 

I am still recovering from my husband's death and the xMM walking away from me. Double whammy!!!!

 

I AM 64 years young. I have had some dates but it's been way too soon.

Maybe it was too soon for you to get into another relationship too.

 

Keep going...

 

All my best wishes to you,

 

Gentlegirl

[jwi71]

I no longer look at cheating/affairs as simply black or white issues. I no longer sit back and judge the people who by choice or circumstance become involved with married individuals. I try to look at each situation independently and form my opinions based on that. I can say that without my personal experience with a married woman I would not see these shades of gray. Nevertheless, I would not choose to ever become involved with a married woman again.

 

This is something you may wish to consider. Or reconsider.

 

If your now X received the above, no one on God's green earth would fault her for leaving. In fact, I would have told her to leave you and to not look back.

 

Because what you just said in the quote above is "I will not be faithful to you". What person, on the cusp of M wants to move forward with a partner who says "Cheating isn't wrong or right per se...it really depends on the circumstance and/or context in which it happens".

 

Would YOU want to M a woman who says such?

 

Would you want to marry a woman who AGREES with that?

 

Personally, I wouldn't. I would want to marry a woman who says "Cheating is wrong and I'll never ever cheat on you".

 

Just a thought.

[Under The Radar]

jwi71,

 

Thank you for helping me to better understand my thought process and refine my "moral compass" if you will. What I was trying to say, but was not articulate enough or as clear as I'd hoped, was that I DO think cheating is wrong. However, I can see how these situations do happen because of life difficulties and the many involved emotions. What I was trying to say, but not explaining it well, is that I don't view all people who cheat as bad human beings the way I once did. That is what has taken me so long to process and heal from my involvement with a married woman. I was prepared to label myself as a bad person forever if that is what cheating truly means. I did not want to be judged as no good, but felt maybe that was my penance for having been involved in an affair. I have spent a great deal of time through introspection, therapy, and many conversations with different people (including the very helpful and compassionate people on this forum) to conclude that I believe I'm a good guy who made a mistake.

Technically, I have never cheated Since I've never been married or strayed from any girlfriends in my life) and don't plan to in the future. As far as being the OM with a married woman, I DO, deeply regret my poor choice in that matter and can say I would never partake in an affair again. Any woman I have ever been with I've dedicated myself to and have not cheated. This was, in part, why I was so loyal to the married woman over the years. I chose not to be with other woman my own age because I thought I'd be betraying her even thought she was married and I was single with no vows to another. I was faithful to my ex-fiance and never would have cheated on her. I hope this makes more sense and clarifies my views on the topic.

[Under The Radar]

Gentlegirl,

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me - I went back and read what you wrote on the "Can An Affair Ever Be Justified" Thread. I am sorry for the loss of your husband and the pain you must have, no doubt, been in those many years. I too, had a loved one pass from Alzheimer's Disease and know how debilitating it is. I can see how you could have ended up in a situation with a married man due to the complexity of your situation. It seems you felt guilt as an OW and have learned a great deal from the experience. It seems you have concluded that it was a mistake, but that you are a good person? If that is your perspective I would have to agree with that wholeheartedly. Anyway, I can sense the pain you feel, through your post, in the aftermath of these events. I am happy to hear that you would never be the OW again and that you are dating at this point.

[woinlove]

Ironically, her reaction and subsequent poor treatment of me through the years created the guilt I am now experiencing in spades ...

 

I don't understand this. When I feel guilt it is because my actions or words did not match up with my own values and integrity. Do you really feel guilt in spades because of your xGF's reaction or do you feel that way because of your own internal compass for ethics and how to treat others? Or perhaps you aren't sure which one is playing the key role with you?

 

jwi71,

 

Thank you for helping me to better understand my thought process and refine my "moral compass" if you will. What I was trying to say, but was not articulate enough or as clear as I'd hoped, was that I DO think cheating is wrong. However, I can see how these situations do happen because of life difficulties and the many involved emotions. What I was trying to say, but not explaining it well, is that I don't view all people who cheat as bad human beings the way I once did. That is what has taken me so long to process and heal from my involvement with a married woman. I was prepared to label myself as a bad person forever if that is what cheating truly means. I did not want to be judged as no good, but felt maybe that was my penance for having been involved in an affair. I have spent a great deal of time through introspection, therapy, and many conversations with different people (including the very helpful and compassionate people on this forum) to conclude that I believe I'm a good guy who made a mistake.

Technically, I have never cheated Since I've never been married or strayed from any girlfriends in my life) and don't plan to in the future. As far as being the OM with a married woman, I DO, deeply regret my poor choice in that matter and can say I would never partake in an affair again. Any woman I have ever been with I've dedicated myself to and have not cheated. This was, in part, why I was so loyal to the married woman over the years. I chose not to be with other woman my own age because I thought I'd be betraying her even thought she was married and I was single with no vows to another. I was faithful to my ex-fiance and never would have cheated on her. I hope this makes more sense and clarifies my views on the topic.

 

On the above, good people/bad people is not something I get into or worry much about. Good/bad actions or good/bad decisions is something that concerns me, particularly when these actions affect myself or others. I'm not sure when you had time to view cheaters as bad people since you were involved with a MW from a fairly young age - or perhaps this overlapped with being an OM? Is thinking in these terms (good/bad people) important to you and, if so, is that for religious reasons or something else? I'm opposed to the death penalty because I believe anyone can change (as well as no justice system is infallible) although I recognize that people who keep doing the same thing over and over again are unlikely to. Still, one day, they might actually change if they really want to. I just don't see the purpose of labelling people (as opposed to actions) as good or bad. Perhaps you can enlighten me on this.

 

I also don't use the term mistake for the time I spent as an OW. To me it wasn't a mistake as at the time I thought it was a fine way to treat people and was too selfish and didn't have sufficient empathy to see it differently. I've changed and now it is important to me that I don't treat others that way. Mistake wouldn't describe my own experience, so I'm not sure what you mean by this. Do you see all those 8 years as a mistake? Did you see them as a mistake while you were living them or only afterwards? If the latter, what changed?

Edited August 10, 2011 by woinlove

[Under The Radar]

Woinlove,

 

My relationship with the married woman ended only 4 months before I met the woman I discussed in this thread. I really didn't have a lot of time to process what had happened in the beginning. I was trying to understand what I thought of my role as a OM during the first 10 months dating my current X. I believed I was at peace with my past when I told her at that point. I mistakenly thought she would be understanding and a deeper connection between us would develop. She reacted with anger, resentment, and abuse. She is a very judgmental person and often labels people as "good" or "bad". I was condemned harshly for my past and I began to internalize her feelings. As a consequence, I suffered extreme guilt believing I was a bad man for my past and a poor boyfriend to my current girlfriend.

 

I like your philosophy on viewing people's actions as good or bad rather than labeling them as such. I think I am evolving in your direction as I gain wisdom and experience. I guess it begs the question is morality objective or subjective? Are you saying that you believe objective morality doesn't exist (I'm just curious)? I think at a young age I saw people around me judging others and I sort of followed suit. Regarding cheating as good or bad, I saw the pain it caused my parents during their divorce and my own pain when my first girlfriend was not faithful to me. I decided at the time that anyone who cheats must be a bad person. Then when I ended up with a married woman I believed I must be bad now too.

 

I do view the 8 years I had with the married woman as a mistake. Although I did love her, the relationship was doomed from the start. I longed for my only family and a partner who could give me 100% herself. During those 8 years I had regrets, but thought if you love someone you don't abandon them. I felt guilty that I would leave her to a failed and unhappy marriage. My loyalty to her was a major obstacle in preventing my departure many of those years. Now, 4.5 years later, after the affair is over, I can see just how much of my youth I wasted in that relationship.

 

I hope I answered some of your questions. Thanks for you interest and guidance.

[Severely Unamused]

My contention was in her subsequent treatment of me which was often times poor due to the grudge she never let go.

 

I understand.

 

I have been in both platonic and romantic unhealthy relationships (and am currently in one) too, so I know quite a bit about grudges...

 

Again, while I don't believe that she was being purposefully malicious, when problems occur in a relationship (whether personal or shared), it is up to each individual to deal with them constructively, be it through mutual support and/or personal introspection and development. As a relevant example, from what I can see, some of the drama that an affair can potentially cause, is ultimately spurred on by the non-constructive method in which these types of relationship issues are dealt with (i.e a temporary escape instead of facing the problems head on).

 

In your case, your ex was incapable of dealing with her personal issues in a way that would have been beneficial for both of you. So while I think that I can understand why she did what she did, I don't condone her emotional abuse towards you. That was kind of a d*ck move on her part.

 

Anyway, have a good one.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Severely Unamused
I'm feeling tired.

[woinlove]

Woinlove,

 

My relationship with the married woman ended only 4 months before I met the woman I discussed in this thread. I really didn't have a lot of time to process what had happened in the beginning. I was trying to understand what I thought of my role as a OM during the first 10 months dating my current X. I believed I was at peace with my past when I told her at that point. I mistakenly thought she would be understanding and a deeper connection between us would develop. She reacted with anger, resentment, and abuse. She is a very judgmental person and often labels people as "good" or "bad". I was condemned harshly for my past and I began to internalize her feelings. As a consequence, I suffered extreme guilt believing I was a bad man for my past and a poor boyfriend to my current girlfriend.

 

I like your philosophy on viewing people's actions as good or bad rather than labeling them as such. I think I am evolving in your direction as I gain wisdom and experience. I guess it begs the question is morality objective or subjective? Are you saying that you believe objective morality doesn't exist (I'm just curious)? I think at a young age I saw people around me judging others and I sort of followed suit. Regarding cheating as good or bad, I saw the pain it caused my parents during their divorce and my own pain when my first girlfriend was not faithful to me. I decided at the time that anyone who cheats must be a bad person. Then when I ended up with a married woman I believed I must be bad now too.

 

I do view the 8 years I had with the married woman as a mistake. Although I did love her, the relationship was doomed from the start. I longed for my only family and a partner who could give me 100% herself. During those 8 years I had regrets, but thought if you love someone you don't abandon them. I felt guilty that I would leave her to a failed and unhappy marriage. My loyalty to her was a major obstacle in preventing my departure many of those years. Now, 4.5 years later, after the affair is over, I can see just how much of my youth I wasted in that relationship.

 

I hope I answered some of your questions. Thanks for you interest and guidance.

 

I don't see the connection between actions being good or bad and subjective morality. I don't see anything subjective about why the deception and disloyalty of secret affairs is bad.

 

4 months is a short time after an 8 year affair. It can take longer to process and move on from an affair because you may not have all the external checks and feedback one typically gets from others when everything is out in the open. Maybe your heart was still tied to xMW. From how you describe your xGF, doesn't sound like there was much love there.

[Under The Radar]

woinlove,

 

I agree with you that the deception and disloyalty of secret affairs is bad. I also agree that 4 months is a short time after an 8 year affair and it has taken a long time to to process everything that happened.

 

When you say, from the description of my exGF, that it doesn't sound like their was much love there, what do you mean? Do you mean that because she didn't accept me for my past (like your H did) that she didn't have much love for me? Did you mean that I talk of her poorly and I had little love for her? Could you please elaborate? Also, do you think it is possible to love somebody, but have no respect for them?

 

Interestingly, someone mentioned on another forum that saying "I love you" has different levels to it like a 1-10 scale. Something like a level 1 "I love you" could be one step above infatuation or that it means just enough to actually say "I love you". It might mean they only love you when things are going well or they have little stress in their life. Whereas, a level 10 "I love you" could mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you and get married. That level of love means the person is your everything and that is what you need for long lasting healthy commitments.

[Under The Radar]

Severely Unamused,

 

Sorry to hear you are currently in an unhealthy relationship. I hope the two of you are able to constructively problem solve like you have discussed here. From your very helpful and insightful posts I would find it hard to believe you have a hard time communicating in a healthy manner. Good luck ...

 

Yes, my X has a lot of unresolved issues with herself and struggles with many of her relationships - not just romantic. Some of her interpersonal patterns are self-destructive. There is no doubt in my mind that at times she was abusive towards me. My mistake was putting up with it as long as I did. I kept thinking thinks would get better.

[road]

"I had concluded that my relationship with the married woman was a mistake, but I was still a good person."

 

If you are a god person what did you do to/for the BH? Apologize?

 

"I could have my regrets"

 

Don't you mean: I have my regrets for doing a WW? It sounds more like your regrets are for telling your GF.

 

"learn from them, and become an even better human being."

 

Yes you could but you don't say you did. That's a big difference.

 

"When I told this girl about my past, and she reacted with such anger and resentment, I began to question myself. I re-examined my role in the previous relationship and concluded maybe I was a piece if garbage."

 

Why did your GF have to accept your being a cheater in the past as to not be a deal breaker. Not accepting someone that cheated is not an unreasonable boundary. The reason is even that not all go on to cheat a second time but enough do cheat to make the saying: once a cheater always a cheater. For some people the risk is to great to take the chance.

[road]

Thank you Cabin for your response. When I was younger, I used to view the world in more black and white thinking, including infidelity. My mother cheated on my father before they divorced and my first girlfriend cheated on me. I had a strong dislike for anyone in the situations and judged them hard. Then, when I found myself involved with a married woman, my views were obviously turned upside down. I realized there is a lot more gray in these situations than I chose to admit through my limited experience at that time.

 

There is no shades of gray the OW was married and you banged her for many years. What you did was wrong.

 

You originally saw affairs as being hurtful because they hurt you and your parents.

 

Then in typical OM justification mode you flip flop and justified that banging a WW was ok because you were getting laid.

[road]

Another question I had is did I technically cheat when I was involved with the married woman? My X was worried I would cheat on her because of my involvement with a married woman. I tried to tell her that I was single when the relationship started with the married woman and that I was loyal to her throughout those 8 years. I never once hooked up with any other woman regardless of opportunities because I felt like I'd be betraying the married woman.

 

Why don't you ask the BH if you were a cheater?

Did you tell the BH you intend to bang his wife?

Our instead of being up front you sneaked behind the BH back and do his WW?

 

You showed that you could not respect the BH marriage vows. Therefore you showed that you would not respect anyone else's including yours.

[road]

I agree with your assessment Depressed. I either have to hide my past till the day I die or choose to be honest at the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think I'd feel right about hiding my past and even more unfortunate I believe most woman would judge me very hard. At any rate, I don't have to make that difficult decision right now.

 

Not hide but tell on the third date. This way you will no if this matters or not to the new GF.

[Under The Radar]

Hello Road,

 

It's pretty obvious you are a BH and for that I am sorry. I am no stranger to emotional pain and do understand how damaging infidelity is. I also don't take it personally that you question my integrity and judge my life story hard without having ever met me. Seems like you glossed over my posts with a biased agenda and selected only the facts that suit you.

 

I have already stated many times in real life and on this board it was a mistake. Moreover, for the record, I never cheated on anyone, I was a partner to betrayal for someone who was cheating. They are both bad, but there is a difference no less. I am, and always will be, a committed partner to the woman I am involved with.

[spice4life]

Hello Road,

 

It's pretty obvious you are a BH and for that I am sorry. I am no stranger to emotional pain and do understand how damaging infidelity is. I also don't take it personally that you question my integrity and judge my life story hard without having ever met me. Seems like you glossed over my posts with a biased agenda and selected only the facts that suit you.

 

I have already stated many times in real life and on this board it was a mistake. Moreover, for the record, I never cheated on anyone, I was a partner to betrayal for someone who was cheating. They are both bad, but there is a difference no less. I am, and always will be, a committed partner to the woman I am involved with.

 

Hi training revelations. Great post. Regarding the opening post, I think the only person your past should matter to is you. You made a choice to be real and honest and have learned from your mistake. That's a good thing. Everyone makes mistakes and if those mistakes helped you evolve and grow into a better person, then you are a lot farther ahead then someone who sticks their head in the sand. IMO anyway.

 

As far as your xMW, it sounds more like the two of you have different core belief systems and nothing more. Neither one is right or wrong, they are just preferences. To her, opinions of others mattered more and to you the growth you experienced was the most important. If you wonder what could have been, just look at your individual preferences of what matters most and you will find the answer.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks Spice4Life - I appreciate you reading my post, offering your insight, and giving me support. Choosing to post in the OM/OW forum has been very helpful for me. Everyone I have interacted with has been kind, thoughtful, and non-judgmental towards me.

 

As for telling my ex-fiance about my past, we live and we learn, as you have so perfectly stated. I easily could have kept my life story to myself, but I thought "How well would she know me if I kept this a secret?" I thought she would be surprised, but understanding, due to the multitude of factors that lead me to that poor decision. I was foolish for thinking that and I ended up hurting her and myself in the process. My closest friends say that we were incompatible from the start, and even if I had never disclosed my past, it was not meant to be. Even so, I miss her and still love her very much. I hope she'll always remember me and someday realize that I meant her well.

[fooled once]

I no longer look at cheating/affairs as simply black or white issues. I no longer sit back and judge the people who by choice or circumstance become involved with married individuals. I try to look at each situation independently and form my opinions based on that. I can say that without my personal experience with a married woman I would not see these shades of gray. Nevertheless, I would not choose to ever become involved with a married woman again.

 

I hope, in the future, I will see that I am a good man who made a bad mistake. The reaction by my current X (who I proposed to 6 months ago) ripped open some of the scabs that were healing from being the OM and caused me to doubt my self worth. Instead of believing I was a good person who made a bad mistake - now I was simply just a bad person.

 

I hope that you and everyone else who has shown their support to me on the forum are right in that someday I'll be accepted for who I am including my past.

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to weigh in on my story - I really appreciate it.

 

Affairs are a choice, not a circumstance, IMHO. You don't 'accidently have an affair. it is a conscious decision.

 

I do understand your now x girlfriend. She wonders if she could trust you. She wonders if she became "boring" to you that you would leave OR if the MW came back into your life, if you would begin an affair again.

 

BUT I also believe to leave things in the past. My now H was very 'accepting' of my past as someone who was involved with a MM. He knew about it by the 2-3 date we had. I had no need to hide it. While I was ashamed at believing someone and trusting someone (he was separated when we met, and for a year he was in his own apartment - he moved back in with his wife after we had been together a year and I believed his bull about the situation). My now H didn't condemn me nor treat me poorly after finding out. He sympathized with me and believed the MM manipulated me. He was 20 years older than me - I was a divorced mom of a 7 year old. I don't necessarily think he manipulated me, as I own my part in everything; but I think he did lead me on and I know for a fact he lied to me several times.

 

I agree with your ex-gf, how can she trust someone who was willing to cheat with a married woman for years? Dating a married person is the lowest thing someone can do and you know that and that is why you hid it for so long.

 

I agree and disagree. I wouldn't be fearful or mistrusting of someone who stole a beer at 18 and I wouldn't consider that person a "thief" for the rest of their life. If they continued to steal from 18 until present, then yes, I wouldn't trust that person.

 

Every single person has made a mistake in their life. None of us are perfect, no matter how some try to convince others I believe in being up front and honest when dating - especially about things like this (cheating). It gives the person you are dating the information so they can decide if they want to continue in the relationship. I wouldn't break up with someone immediately if the cheating was in the distant past and if the person was remorseful. If the cheating happened within the prior 6 months and the person has no remorse or feeling of wrong doing, then I would not continue dating that person. I think the feelings and motivations behind the action would be what I would want to see/hear prior to making a decision to date or not.

[Under The Radar]

Fooled Once,

 

I asked several people I knew and respected in real life if I should disclose to my new girlfriend. Some said they thought it important to share my past since it was 8 years involved with a married woman. They believed if someone really loved me then I'd still be accepted. Others told me it would be a mistake to divulge the affair I'd been in. There mindset being what's in the past is in the past. I was confused and wanted to do the right thing.

 

I chickened out on 2 occasions prior to 10 months when I told her. I was terrified that if I told her too soon she wouldn't understand and stop seeing me. I wanted her to have a chance to get to know me for the kind and generous person many of the people in my life claim I am. It was all so confusing, and in the end, my decision to tell her about it created a monumental amount of pain for both of us.