Does My Past Matter?

[NoIDidn't]

Welcome to LS, TR.

 

I agree with the others that ten months is just too long to wait to tell someone something of that magnitude. I think a good rule of thumb is before the tenth date or during the third month of seeing the person. Its too heavy to talk about when just getting to know someone.

 

That said, I do think you and your ex both sound pretty compromised in the self-esteem department. I can't understand why she stayed and accepted your proposal knowing she didn't trust you anymore. I do understand your reasoning for staying and taking the unfair treatment, but you've already stated that her words really hurt your self-esteem.

 

She wasn't right for you. Anyone that will react the way that she did isn't ready for a relationship with someone that has had experiences that they can't relate to. Their mind and hearts aren't open enough to know the person is seeking to be known, not judged. I wouldn't judge them too harshly either, though. They don't know any better.

[whichwayisup]

Always tell the truth. Your past is just that, your past. With that said, if someone who you desire to be with does not wish to be with you based on past behavior that is indeed their right. What does it mean...it just means that person isn't the one who is ready to love the person who you are now.

 

I must admit I would be skeptical about being with someone who was an AP, but there is room for change in everyone if they so desire. By stating the truth you showed yourself capable of giving another human a choice and in that you showed respect and courage.

 

I agree. You trusted her, opened up and she should be basing stuff on who you are NOW and how your relationship is together as a couple, how you make her feel etc, rather than your past.

 

With that said, it is possible the love and glue that held you two together just wasn't strong enough on her side towards you.

[Under The Radar]

MissBee, thanks for your response. I do agree with what you are saying. After the relationship with the married woman ended I finally confided in some close friends about what had transpired over those 8 years. I was so distraught I needed support and this caused me to explain my relationship with her. To say they were shocked would be an understatement.

 

So, when I started dating again and met the woman that is now my X I asked a couple close friends if I should tell her. Some said never ever tell her because the past is the past. However, some of my smartest and most empathetic friends said I would need to tell her if I really wanted her to know and accept me. I was constantly worried about what would happen if I did, indeed, tell her.

 

During the initial 10 months she told me about a friend she had that was involved with a married man much older that had gotten her pregnant. I was told this man treated her friend poorly and used her for sex but was emotionally unavailable. She would say how badly she felt for her friend and wished she could find enough self-esteem to exit the relationship.

 

I finally told her, after chickening out on two previous occasions, when the topic of her friend was mentioned again. I thought if she is so understanding about her female friend's situation she might accept that I had been in a similar scenario. Unfortunately, after I told her, she became abusive and resentful. I tried to do what I thought was right and it still haunts me which is hindering my recovery.

[bentnotbroken]

MissBee, thanks for your response. I do agree with what you are saying. After the relationship with the married woman ended I finally confided in some close friends about what had transpired over those 8 years. I was so distraught I needed support and this caused me to explain my relationship with her. To say they were shocked would be an understatement.

 

So, when I started dating again and met the woman that is now my X I asked a couple close friends if I should tell her. Some said never ever tell her because the past is the past. However, some of my smartest and most empathetic friends said I would need to tell her if I really wanted her to know and accept me. I was constantly worried about what would happen if I did, indeed, tell her.

 

During the initial 10 months she told me about a friend she had that was involved with a married man much older that had gotten her pregnant. I was told this man treated her friend poorly and used her for sex but was emotionally unavailable. She would say how badly she felt for her friend and wished she could find enough self-esteem to exit the relationship.

 

I finally told her, after chickening out on two previous occasions, when the topic of her friend was mentioned again. I thought if she is so understanding about her female friend's situation she might accept that I had been in a similar scenario. Unfortunately, after I told her, she became abusive and resentful. I tried to do what I thought was right and it still haunts me which is hindering my recovery.

 

 

Telling isn't hindering your recovery, it's the abuse you suffered after disclosure that is your issue. Deal with that. Once you face that demon, your self esteem should be on the road to recovery. Advice from a recovering abuser.

[TurboGirl]

Your gf is very immature. Why on earth would she talk about YOUR PAST to her friends and family? Wow, that is unreal. That stuff is completely private.

 

I think you should disclose a certain amount of your past... discreetly... after first being certain that the person you are dating is not judgmental or immature. Some people believe in letting the past be the past... certain things I won't discuss with anyone, period. My H does not know all of the details about how I lost my baby at the hand of my first H... it is need to know or not need to know...

 

So it is up to you, really. But I think you need to make clear that you don't want your personal life spilled out there to her family members and friends for them to feast upon! That is unreal.

[chalkfarm]

I think there are some people out there who don't want to think that their partner had any relationship before theirs. They want to see their partner as alone and celibate before they came along. No history. No baggage. No emotional residue. A clean slate, so to speak. Likely, your story would threaten that person's ideal picture no matter when in the relationship you presented it.

 

A true adult knows you have a history. Period.

 

I say, be true to yourself. If, when in a relationship, you feel the time is right or if the time is never right, you will know. I suppose, the real question is - will you feel that you are lying if you don't reveal that you loved this woman? And yes, lying by omission is still lying.

 

Last but never least, the best relationships are the ones in which you don't feel judged.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks NoIDidn't for your support. I agree that my self-esteem has taken a hit over these years. I think I had forgiven myself for the past with the married woman only to doubt myself when my recent X reacted the way she did. So, in my mind, I had to make up for my past as well as hurting her in the present.

 

I expended a tremendous amount of resources to earn her forgiveness. She told me every now and then that she had forgiven me and trusted me, but I know that if this was the case her actions would have been different. I compromised my self-esteem with how many times I apologized to her. I was sincerely sorry and stated it to her repeatedly. At the end of four years I felt depleted and disrespected.

 

It would have been nice for her to say one time how she understood the pain my past had caused me. Instead, she acted as if the pain from my past had somehow been inflicted on her. The ironic thing is that I did come clean and tell her the truth. She said I was a liar, but I was honest when I made my disclosure. I waited so long because I was scared to death of being judged. I wanted her to have time to see me for the good person I believe I am and not be defined by my past mistakes.

[Woggle]

I do believe that people can change and I don't believe that a person should be branded for life unless they do something horrible like kill somebody. That being said it is understandable why she would be alarmed by a man who falls in love with a married woman. It shows a warped approach towards relationships.

[Under The Radar]

I agree whichwayisup that she should have based her feelings on how I made her feel in the present. The toughest thing to swallow is that she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her before I made my disclosure. She said I was "prince charming" and that no other man ever treated her so well. I do think I loved her a lot more than she loved me. Ironically, her nickname for me was "love" - she never spoke my real name past the first 6 months.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree whichwayisup that she should have based her feelings on how I made her feel in the present. The toughest thing to swallow is that she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her before I made my disclosure. She said I was "prince charming" and that no other man ever treated her so well. I do think I loved her a lot more than she loved me. Ironically, her nickname for me was "love" - she never spoke my real name past the first 6 months.

 

 

Prince Charming is a fairytale character. Are you a fairy tale character and do you wish to try to live up to that character? One of the best things my mother ever did for me was tell me that fairy tales were a lie and if they were true, they didn't the characters were not little black girls.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

You have two choices:

 

 

1. Tell it all right at the start - they can take it or leave it

 

2. Don't ever tell (if they are judgmental, narrow minded, weak hatred, entitled, confused, or unstable)

 

Your xGF is disrespectful. You are not a fantasy, you are a real person. She had no business telling that to anyone else.

 

~~~Boundless Love~~~

[Under The Radar]

Thanks bentnotbroken, I see your point and value the insight. The relationship became toxic very quickly after I told her. Whenever I would think she had forgiven me and the relationship could move on it never did. It could be something as simple as a movie we were watching where the lead character was cheating or in an affair and she would immediately become cold and distant towards me. I heart would always sink and I would be consumed with guilt. I eventually stopped joking around and being happy go lucky around her because of her constant moodiness. Interestingly enough, she then started to make comments about how I had changed and was no fun anymore. What she failed to realize is that I changed because of her; I was walking on eggshells all of the time.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks bentnotbroken, I see your point and value the insight. The relationship became toxic very quickly after I told her. Whenever I would think she had forgiven me and the relationship could move on it never did. It could be something as simple as a movie we were watching where the lead character was cheating or in an affair and she would immediately become cold and distant towards me. I heart would always sink and I would be consumed with guilt. I eventually stopped joking around and being happy go lucky around her because of her constant moodiness. Interestingly enough, she then started to make comments about how I had changed and was no fun anymore. What she failed to realize is that I changed because of her; I was walking on eggshells all of the time.

 

 

Forgiven you for not telling her early in the relationship or forgiven you for your past?

[Under The Radar]

Thanks turbogirl for taking the time to comment on my post. Yes, I was horrified that she shared my past with with her family. I could see her maybe telling some of her close friends, but her family?!? There was never any hope after that of gaining their acceptance. To say I was disheartened would be a major understatement. I am sure she did not tell them the story the way it really happened, which was that I was young and very much in love with an older woman. I made a mistake - not that I lustfully seduced an older woman and ruined her marriage (which is not what transpired). The married woman I was involved with is still married and never made a disclosure to her husband.

 

I told her that the only one who can fix things with her mother was her. She would always say that as long as they eventually saw her happy with me everything would take care of itself. I couldn't disagree more. If a reconciliation was to ever occur she would have had make a proactive attempt with them. I always felt she never patched things up so that she could play the victim and if the relationship failed there would be no playing devil's advocate by them in favor of me.

[NoIDidn't]

Prince Charming is a fairytale character. Are you a fairy tale character and do you wish to try to live up to that character? One of the best things my mother ever did for me was tell me that fairy tales were a lie and if they were true, they didn't the characters were not little black girls.

 

I was going to address that as well. She had unrealistic expectations going into the relationship calling him "Prince Charming".

 

TR, did the MW that you saw for 8 years also call you her Knight In Shining Armor or Prince Charming as well? You state it in a way that implies you took pride in it from the exfiance.

[Under The Radar]

Bentnotbroken,

 

I believe forgiven me for both my omission at the beginning of our relationship and my involvement with a married woman ...

[bentnotbroken]

Bentnotbroken,

 

I believe forgiven me for both my omission at the beginning of our relationship and my involvement with a married woman ...

 

 

Omission at the beginning of the relationship...I might get, but your involvement with a MW did not require your apology to her, therefore no need for her to forgive. Now the BS is a whole other can of worms.

[Under The Radar]

Thank you chalkfarm for your guidance. Yes, I agree that her perception of me as the perfect boyfriend set us up for failure. I have always wondered if I hid my past from her would she still think I was the perfect boyfriend? I wrestle with this thought everyday. I really can't fathom that her black and white thinking wouldn't have harmed our relationship in the future. Maybe my disclosure just expedited the negative aspects of her personality more quickly? I just don't know.

[whichwayisup]

I agree whichwayisup that she should have based her feelings on how I made her feel in the present. The toughest thing to swallow is that she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her before I made my disclosure. She said I was "prince charming" and that no other man ever treated her so well. I do think I loved her a lot more than she loved me. Ironically, her nickname for me was "love" - she never spoke my real name past the first 6 months.

 

6 months? ouch..

 

As much as it hurts, you'll work through this and come out stronger and wiser.

 

The next woman who comes into your life will be the lucky one! Fight your demons and insecurites, don't let them get you down. I know easier said than done but life is too short..

[Under The Radar]

Woggle, I appreciate your comment. I have changed over the years and I know that I know I would never become involved with a married woman again. It was a huge mistake and I'd probably be happily married myself had I not spent those 8 years with her. I can also understand my most recent X's shock over my past and how it could trigger some of her insecurities. Nevertheless, if she couldn't accept me for who I am now, trust me, and forgive me then she should have let me go at 10 months rather than string me along for another 3 years.

[Under The Radar]

I agree with your assessment Depressed. I either have to hide my past till the day I die or choose to be honest at the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think I'd feel right about hiding my past and even more unfortunate I believe most woman would judge me very hard. At any rate, I don't have to make that difficult decision right now.

[MissBee]

MissBee, thanks for your response. I do agree with what you are saying. After the relationship with the married woman ended I finally confided in some close friends about what had transpired over those 8 years. I was so distraught I needed support and this caused me to explain my relationship with her. To say they were shocked would be an understatement.

So, when I started dating again and met the woman that is now my X I asked a couple close friends if I should tell her. Some said never ever tell her because the past is the past. However, some of my smartest and most empathetic friends said I would need to tell her if I really wanted her to know and accept me. I was constantly worried about what would happen if I did, indeed, tell her.

 

During the initial 10 months she told me about a friend she had that was involved with a married man much older that had gotten her pregnant. I was told this man treated her friend poorly and used her for sex but was emotionally unavailable. She would say how badly she felt for her friend and wished she could find enough self-esteem to exit the relationship.

I finally told her, after chickening out on two previous occasions, when the topic of her friend was mentioned again. I thought if she is so understanding about her female friend's situation she might accept that I had been in a similar scenario. Unfortunately, after I told her, she became abusive and resentful. I tried to do what I thought was right and it still haunts me which is hindering my recovery.

 

 

Your smart and empathetic friends were right...hence your smart and empathetic designation

 

I am truly sorry that this info was received as it was but at the same time, I think it's a blessing in disguise! Think about it, in order to "keep" this woman, you believe you would have had to lie about your past and omit parts of yourself. That is craaaazy! No one should have to do that, and while the thought seems appealing that "if only I hid the truth the relationship would go on", it makes no sense! Relationships built on lies just are not the best, and you have to always keep alert about not allowing the truth come out. It is very draining and you just can't be fully present in that case.

 

I think that perhaps sooner or later you would have realized that you guys were not the best match for each other. I am sure that her reacting in this way is a clue that you were not very well suited. It is better to realize now before you married her. I empathize with your hurt and the crazy thoughts of trying to rewrite the past and try to convince yourself that you were the wrong one...believe me, I went back and forth with myself about an ex and how if only I hadn't expressed my real feelings, I would have had him.INSANITY! Needless to say, I later realized we were sooooooooo not meant to be and I in fact dodged a bullet! I as growing into my authentic self and he did not fit so we had to part ways, but I couldn't see it. I think it's the same for you. You are coming to terms with your past, deciding to face it and be truthful and you'll start to find that some people can't handle it and will walk away...it's sad but it's liberating to realize those people will be replaced by those with whom you can genuinely be truthful and happy with where they aren't in love with a false you or with "you minus". This will make you happier and I trust you will eventually find someone you love 100x more, with whom you can be relaxed and happy and feel great that no skeletons in your closet will chase them off as they already know and love the REAL you!

Edited August 8, 2011 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

I agree with your assessment Depressed. I either have to hide my past till the day I die or choose to be honest at the beginning of the relationship. Unfortunately, I don't think I'd feel right about hiding my past and even more unfortunate I believe most woman would judge me very hard. At any rate, I don't have to make that difficult decision right now.

 

I think it all depends on the approach and what's actually said. Just being honest about it and admitting it was unhealthy situation, and if you had to do it all over again, you would have chosen a different path completely. Owning your mistakes is good, which you have done. People make mistakes and learn from them, you're one of those who won't go down that path again.

[Under The Radar]

NoIDidn't,

 

The married woman I was with never called me "prince charming" or "her Knight in shining armor". She was just very kind to me (until the very end when I suppose to break away she had to be cruel) and treated me well. She had a motherly and nurturing way about her which I suppose filled a void within me coming from an abusive and broken home. I believe she really did love me very much.

 

My recent X never told me she thought of me as "prince charming" until after I disclosed my past. Only after she was hurt did she mention to me how she thought I was perfect and the one to spend the rest of her life with. When she said that to me it just magnified my guilt and made me feel like the worst boyfriend on the face of the earth. When she would on occasion make mention of me making her happy I would feel like a king. All I wanted to do was make her smile, but that became increasingly difficult over the years.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks MissBee, I know you are right. I always had my past weighing on my mind and wanted to tell her. Her not understanding and accepting me was my biggest fear and it came true. Knowing what I know now I'd have walked away then. I am not ready to date again, but i am already dreading the process of explaining myself to a future girl.