What do BSs want WSs to feel?

[Donewrong]

Come on now. No need for bickering. Both of you are in the wrong so there's no need to grill him 21 questions.

 

Peace.

 

Just curiousity JMK..nothing more. No bickering..I leave that one to you dollface!

[dreamingoftigers]

If that is really how you feel and seeing how you had an affair as well..why reconcile? I mean if I thought you really didn't give a $$$$$$ about me because you have an affair... reconciliation for me was based on the fact that I thought we did actually give a $$$ about each other..

Just curious? thowing my thoughts out there..bad or good.

 

Donewrong,

 

I get where he is coming from. Frankly "revenge As" are quite a different ballgame. (came close myself). The feelings there weren't to strike back at my spouse, they were to get some kind of contact because the pain I was in was something I couldn't even articulate ( I still can't to this day). The RA is to get the insane pain deadened or distracted or awhile at least. You kill the emotions so that you can basically survive. Of course, it rankles things later. But at that point you are literally in Survival Mode.

 

Since you were already in your affair, I am guessing this made his much easier to forgive and you already knew the emotional consequences he would be going through and seeing an affair for what it is. He wasn't there yet, couldn't understand it and wouldn't be able to process it until the aftermath of his own. Since you both had affairs and know what all the fuss is about and now know the damage it can cause, that actually puts you at a better understanding then most people post-affair.

 

Men as well are much more sensitive to shame and much less sensitive to being alone then women are. Your affair blindsided and shamed him, bigtime. In your case his affair left you alone in return. BUT since we as women more greatly value the bigger picture of long-term companionship over whatever shame there may be in the short-term of course we see our male partners not wanting to accept us back as a sign that they didn't love us so much to begin with. (I.e. "now that I have admitted my error, am doing all that I can to make it right and you still are throwing me away, you must not have loved me") whereas the male is thinking "this is how much I cared because it makes me this angry and you have shamed me this much that I will be wary of even other women for a very very long time. And now I am going to deal with this on my own because that's what I do."

 

Men would rather be left then cheated on. Women would rather the men talk to them about what is going on then just be dropped cold-turkey with no explanation.

 

In your case it is probably actually a good thing for your reconciliation that he

had a revenge affair. That way he could see that the affair was a massive stress reaction on your part due to your own relational dissatisfaction instead of the fact that he was "a failure as a husband."

 

That being the case, he could also see the emotional impact of an affair from the other side and know that it wasn't as all-consuming as a BS often envisions it is as the WS tries to minimize it. Affairs are poorly planned emotional escapes. I doubt either one of you will activate that trap door again.

 

He isn't insulting you by saying he would gave rather have been left then cheated on. The fact that he would rather have been and is reconciling with you is probably the biggest compliment in action. Good luck with it.

[ladydesigner]

Donewrong,

 

I get where he is coming from. Frankly "revenge As" are quite a different ballgame. (came close myself). The feelings there weren't to strike back at my spouse, they were to get some kind of contact because the pain I was in was something I couldn't even articulate ( I still can't to this day). The RA is to get the insane pain deadened or distracted or awhile at least. You kill the emotions so that you can basically survive. Of course, it rankles things later. But at that point you are literally in Survival Mode.

 

Since you were already in your affair, I am guessing this made his much easier to forgive and you already knew the emotional consequences he would be going through and seeing an affair for what it is. He wasn't there yet, couldn't understand it and wouldn't be able to process it until the aftermath of his own. Since you both had affairs and know what all the fuss is about and now know the damage it can cause, that actually puts you at a better understanding then most people post-affair.

 

Men as well are much more sensitive to shame and much less sensitive to being alone then women are. Your affair blindsided and shamed him, bigtime. In your case his affair left you alone in return. BUT since we as women more greatly value the bigger picture of long-term companionship over whatever shame there may be in the short-term of course we see our male partners not wanting to accept us back as a sign that they didn't love us so much to begin with. (I.e. "now that I have admitted my error, am doing all that I can to make it right and you still are throwing me away, you must not have loved me") whereas the male is thinking "this is how much I cared because it makes me this angry and you have shamed me this much that I will be wary of even other women for a very very long time. And now I am going to deal with this on my own because that's what I do."

 

Men would rather be left then cheated on. Women would rather the men talk to them about what is going on then just be dropped cold-turkey with no explanation.

 

In your case it is probably actually a good thing for your reconciliation that he

had a revenge affair. That way he could see that the affair was a massive stress reaction on your part due to your own relational dissatisfaction instead of the fact that he was "a failure as a husband."

 

That being the case, he could also see the emotional impact of an affair from the other side and know that it wasn't as all-consuming as a BS often envisions it is as the WS tries to minimize it. Affairs are poorly planned emotional escapes. I doubt either one of you will activate that trap door again.

 

He isn't insulting you by saying he would gave rather have been left then cheated on. The fact that he would rather have been and is reconciling with you is probably the biggest compliment in action. Good luck with it.

 

This is a really good post. It describes perfectly how my revenge affair went down. I love the bolded! You are so right on that. Even if my H does activate that trap door again. I know I will not, if anything I will just pull the plug next:laugh:

[Donewrong]

I get what you are saying - I do.

 

DOT, as for saying that his RA was a good thing. Well was it TECH_E? I doubt it was. It caused just as much pain as my affair - for us both, for our families. As far as I know..any Affair..however you want to name it is wrong. I never minimized what I did...never - not to him or anyone. I understand that he would have rather been left than cheated on..heck..I would have rather he had left than been cheated on as well. Thats not what I was questioning.

 

I was questioning his whole..."not give a $$$$ about your spouse if you have an affair." if you really don't give a s$$$t about your spouse if you have an affair..i just don't understand the point in a reconciliation..If you don't give a $$$$ why put yourself through it(reconciliations are not easy) for someone you don't give a $$$$$ about...that's all I'm saying.

 

 

 

 

Donewrong,

 

I get where he is coming from. Frankly "revenge As" are quite a different ballgame. (came close myself). The feelings there weren't to strike back at my spouse, they were to get some kind of contact because the pain I was in was something I couldn't even articulate ( I still can't to this day). The RA is to get the insane pain deadened or distracted or awhile at least. You kill the emotions so that you can basically survive. Of course, it rankles things later. But at that point you are literally in Survival Mode.

 

Since you were already in your affair, I am guessing this made his much easier to forgive and you already knew the emotional consequences he would be going through and seeing an affair for what it is. He wasn't there yet, couldn't understand it and wouldn't be able to process it until the aftermath of his own. Since you both had affairs and know what all the fuss is about and now know the damage it can cause, that actually puts you at a better understanding then most people post-affair.

 

Men as well are much more sensitive to shame and much less sensitive to being alone then women are. Your affair blindsided and shamed him, bigtime. In your case his affair left you alone in return. BUT since we as women more greatly value the bigger picture of long-term companionship over whatever shame there may be in the short-term of course we see our male partners not wanting to accept us back as a sign that they didn't love us so much to begin with. (I.e. "now that I have admitted my error, am doing all that I can to make it right and you still are throwing me away, you must not have loved me") whereas the male is thinking "this is how much I cared because it makes me this angry and you have shamed me this much that I will be wary of even other women for a very very long time. And now I am going to deal with this on my own because that's what I do."

 

Men would rather be left then cheated on. Women would rather the men talk to them about what is going on then just be dropped cold-turkey with no explanation.

 

In your case it is probably actually a good thing for your reconciliation that he

had a revenge affair. That way he could see that the affair was a massive stress reaction on your part due to your own relational dissatisfaction instead of the fact that he was "a failure as a husband."

 

That being the case, he could also see the emotional impact of an affair from the other side and know that it wasn't as all-consuming as a BS often envisions it is as the WS tries to minimize it. Affairs are poorly planned emotional escapes. I doubt either one of you will activate that trap door again.

 

He isn't insulting you by saying he would gave rather have been left then cheated on. The fact that he would rather have been and is reconciling with you is probably the biggest compliment in action. Good luck with it.

[Tech_E]

Wow, that'll teach me to get busy at work. .

 

Let me clear a few items up. The fact that my wife is in the audience really doesn't change my response any.

 

1. I do 100% feel that I'd rather be left than be cheated on. Yes I do. Even if that meant I never did know the full answer. Now in my case that would NEVER (and I mean NEVER EVER) happen; why because we have a child and we both respect each other as parents too much for that. Secondly we've known each other for nearly a lifetime and I feel even if she wanted to leave she'd tell me why.

 

2. As for the RA, no I don't think it was a 'good thing'. I don't at all. DOT while I respect your abilty to post your opinion I don't think it necessarily applies as you put forth. I personally wish I had NEVER EVER acted the way I did. I am ashamed of it, disgusted by it and I will say til the day I leave this earth that it was WRONG! I should have NEVER engaged in any of the behavior I did. I should have held my head high and made a decision as to whether or not I wanted any reconciliation or not without confusion and I should have made it on my own timeline. I didn't. I can't take any of it back but I can sure as heck tell anyone and everyone who listens if they find themselves in my shoes to NOT engage in a RA. In fact at least one poster has made it known that I was at least partially responsible for him not turning to a RA.

[John Michael Kane]

Just curiousity JMK..nothing more. No bickering..I leave that one to you dollface!

 

Hey no bickering coming from me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Both of you: no wonder you have communication problems, you read half of the sentence :laugh:

 

 

Donewrong,

 

I get where he is coming from. Frankly "revenge As" are quite a different ballgame. (came close myself). The feelings there weren't to strike back at my spouse, they were to get some kind of contact because the pain I was in was something I couldn't even articulate ( I still can't to this day). The RA is to get the insane pain deadened or distracted or awhile at least. You kill the emotions so that you can basically survive. Of course, it rankles things later. But at that point you are literally in Survival Mode.

 

Since you were already in your affair, I am guessing this made his much easier to forgive and you already knew the emotional consequences he would be going through and seeing an affair for what it is. He wasn't there yet, couldn't understand it and wouldn't be able to process it until the aftermath of his own. Since you both had affairs and know what all the fuss is about and now know the damage it can cause, that actually puts you at a better understanding then most people post-affair.

 

Men as well are much more sensitive to shame and much less sensitive to being alone then women are. Your affair blindsided and shamed him, bigtime. In your case his affair left you alone in return. BUT since we as women more greatly value the bigger picture of long-term companionship over whatever shame there may be in the short-term of course we see our male partners not wanting to accept us back as a sign that they didn't love us so much to begin with. (I.e. "now that I have admitted my error, am doing all that I can to make it right and you still are throwing me away, you must not have loved me") whereas the male is thinking "this is how much I cared because it makes me this angry and you have shamed me this much that I will be wary of even other women for a very very long time. And now I am going to deal with this on my own because that's what I do."

 

Men would rather be left then cheated on. Women would rather the men talk to them about what is going on then just be dropped cold-turkey with no explanation.

 

In your case it is probably actually a good thing for your reconciliation that he

had a revenge affair. That way he could see that the affair was a massive stress reaction on your part due to your own relational dissatisfaction instead of the fact that he was "a failure as a husband."

 

That being the case, he could also see the emotional impact of an affair from the other side and know that it wasn't as all-consuming as a BS often envisions it is as the WS tries to minimize it. Affairs are poorly planned emotional escapes. I doubt either one of you will activate that trap door again.

 

He isn't insulting you by saying he would gave rather have been left then cheated on. The fact that he would rather have been and is reconciling with you is probably the biggest compliment in action. Good luck with it.

 

I never said that it was the "right thing to do" or a "good thing to do."

 

Listen up: I will expand on it:

 

Part of the major gulf between BS and WS during reconciliation is that BS has no idea how WS could ever do what they have done and they have all of these images of super-passion, perfect romance going through their heads in regards to what WS and OM have done.

 

WS understands that what they did was 'wrong' but felt under either duress in the marriage, sad, alone or entitled to do it. Any way you cut it, the affair is an escape from whatever in their life and they can't quite figure out why BS can't see this. Often they love BS and can't figure out why BS can't see that they are sorry. And why can't just just get over it and accept it because they have stopped the affair.

 

Well, since you both stepped partially into each other's shoes, you can see that the affair situation is not perfect, it is very damaging and you are both hurting in similar facets. It can be a "good thing" for reconciliation purposes.

 

Was it the best thing? No, most likely not.

 

But let's face it: 35% percent of marriages survive infidelity.

More men then women refuse to take back a cheating partner.

By Tech E having his RA and coming to a better understanding of DW 's stance, you stand a better chance of understanding one another's pain.

 

Truly, endorsing revenge affairs all around would be, well, ridiculous.

But I will say this: I have a better understanding of my H since stepping my toes into his shoes.

 

I like you both actually and hope that you continue to work things through and that you have a fantabulous marriage.

 

Oh yeah, there was a big post up there, not just one sentence.

[wheelwright]

As for the RA, no I don't think it was a 'good thing'. I don't at all. DOT while I respect your abilty to post your opinion I don't think it necessarily applies as you put forth. I personally wish I had NEVER EVER acted the way I did. I am ashamed of it, disgusted by it and I will say til the day I leave this earth that it was WRONG! I should have NEVER engaged in any of the behavior I did. I should have held my head high and made a decision as to whether or not I wanted any reconciliation or not without confusion and I should have made it on my own timeline. I didn't. I can't take any of it back but I can sure as heck tell anyone and everyone who listens if they find themselves in my shoes to NOT engage in a RA. In fact at least one poster has made it known that I was at least partially responsible for him not turning to a RA.

 

I think that As which involve love, transformation for those involved, or an honest and important communion between the participants are hard to condemn.

 

I think As between people who are lost to any fulfilling values in life are also hard to condemn - for different reasons. You have to ask how did they get so lost? Or if your views of lost match up.

 

And if someone's main motivation for having sex with someone is their anger at another, well, the above two scenarious may still apply, just with added complications.

[bentnotbroken]

a) I think that As which involve love, transformation for those involved, or an honest and important communion between the participants are hard to condemn.

 

b)I think As between people who are lost to any fulfilling values in life are also hard to condemn - for different reasons. You have to ask how did they get so lost? Or if your views of lost match up.

 

c)And if someone's main motivation for having sex with someone is their anger at another, well, the above two scenarious may still apply, just with added complications.

 

 

A) not hard for me.

B)not hard at all

C)see above responses.

[dreamingoftigers]

A) not hard for me.

B)not hard at all

C)see above responses.

 

Yeah, I didn't get married so my husband could experience "personal growth" in the sack with someone else.

 

If he needed to "find himself" he only needed to check the google maps function on his iPhone, it would give his current location. FOUND. the end.