What do BSs want WSs to feel?

[David Cain]

No, you failed to make your point. Please, illuminate.

 

No I made my point quite clear about your statements.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I have resonded to you often hearing the truth you speak.

 

Right here though, you forget that many people who file for divorce do not want to bring infidelity into the court room. And choose neglect as the cited reason so as to make the process less painful.

 

When I said I thought neglect was deemed understandable, I meant that it doesn't seem to kick up the same kind of fuss as infielity.

 

And certainly, here on LS that's my impression. I will go away (haha!) and do an informal survey on this subject. Feedback later!

 

Actually, WW, neglect is not a cause to initiate a divorce filing.

 

It is adultery, unreconcilable differences, mental cruelty, abandonment... and possible death with no body found.

 

If money is the prime interest of divorce, and certainly the prime interest of divorce attys;), infidelity can net you more money than unreconcilable differences.

 

Neglect is NOT a causal legal action in divorce. Doesn't exist legally.

 

But in an exit poll of female responders filing for divorce, the number one reason given was emotional neglect.

[Spark1111]

Where do you get your "facts" from? The number one reason is infidelity, but they do not cite it, thinking it will cover their behind.

 

And who cares if a woman feels emotionally neglected? She was probably starting half the problems. You worded that as if a man cannot do the same if he feels neglected. She doesn't hold the all the "power" in a relationship.

 

Aye yay yay David.

 

You can be right, (uh oh), or you can be informed and possibly, enlightened.

 

Please start reading about Walkaway Wives, the greatest anthropological phenomenom of this century and it is being studied by all scientific fields.

[Snowflower]

SF, it's both of course.

 

I am still interested in As, causes, repurcussions, resolutions. I appreciate the insight I gain here.

 

I have said here I feel a new sense of peace now H and I have separated. This remains true and grows stronger all the time.

 

I think of xMOM often, he is still in my heart, but not in a negative way. I like to hear how WSs have recommitted, and I like to imagine him happy in this way. I also like to imagine he has loving feelings towards me still, but in truth my peace lies in feeling no attachment to either of these 'imaginings', nor any contradiction in them.

 

This thread also helps me work out why H and I were not destined for reconciliation. I loved another, it didn't die or go away after DDay. I don't like lying to people, and I told my H the truth, except for periods when he told me he'd rather not hear it.

 

But I managed to communicate to him how I did care, I felt compassion for his pain (to a debilitating degree) and we salvaged a friendship.

 

I don't know if that makes clear my interest, or if to you and/or others I still sound like a devastated WS/OW?

Sometimes I post a new thread because I have read other posts that make me think, and there were a few in this case too.

 

Or I get bored with the existing threads! (I'm sure people get bored with mine).

 

Hope you are doing well.

 

As always, WW, I appreciate your honesty. And I'm sincerely glad that you are finding a sense of peace now. I read your other thread about how your H seems to be hanging on. I hope that he can find resolution as well and that he too can move forward.

 

To answer your question bolded above, IMO you don't sound like a devastated OW/WS but I remember you had a lot of questions and musings about your xMM marriage! I was hoping you weren't still stuck in that place of wondering what was going on with his marriage and it appears, at least to me, that you are long past that!

[David Cain]

Aye yay yay David.

 

You can be right, (uh oh), or you can be informed and possibly, enlightened.

 

I will never be swayed by lies and generalizations.

 

Please start reading about Walkaway Wives, the greatest anthropological phenomenom of this century and it is being studied by all scientific fields.

 

Walkaway wives or cheating wives?

 

That whole concept is 95% bull****.

[Tech_E]

Bull____ or not JMK it is happening in countless marriages.

 

The bottom line though is that you can wrap whatever you want around it, it's cheating pure and simple. It's used as a justification and on that I call bull___ (not that I am agreeing with JMK, I am not). Cheating cannot be justified. There is ALWAYS an option.

[Owl]

I will never be swayed by lies and generalizations.

 

 

What WOULD sway you?

 

What could anyone post to you that you would actually pause and consider? Facts? Documentation from cited sources? Their own experiences?

 

You've discounted every single one of those when they didn't line up with your view, but try to push them on others when you feel that they do fall in line with your vision of the world.

 

What source, what information actually could have an impact on your viewpoint?

 

Or are you blind to anything but your own view?

[David Cain]

Bull____ or not JMK it is happening in countless marriages.

 

I didn't say it wasn't happening, I just said it's not because of neglect.

[David Cain]

Your tunnel vision blinds you to anything outside of yourself.And your vision is too wide to even see yourself

 

I love my "tunnel vision." It's better than engaging in an affair.

[Owl]

Nothing here will never sway me because it's all full of lies.

 

Q.E.D. Thanks.

[David Cain]

Q.E.D. Thanks.

 

It was never a challenge but happy to oblige you.

[pureinheart]

After DDay, what is the best thing your WS could say to you and why?

 

I didn't require anything because the M's were over anyway. I was done.

 

It was interesting though, I was watching a program on TLC about gastric bypass, and was really surprised that one of the ladies having the surgery blamed her H's A for her drastic weight gain...ooookay.

 

Throughout the program it shows him apologizing everytime they went back to this couple. I have seen this a lot. The BS trying to regain the perceived loss of power through the S. It's as if their identity is in the S.

 

Is there really anything that can be said? Isn't it more about action?

[wheelwright]

As always, WW, I appreciate your honesty. And I'm sincerely glad that you are finding a sense of peace now. I read your other thread about how your H seems to be hanging on. I hope that he can find resolution as well and that he too can move forward.

 

To answer your question bolded above, IMO you don't sound like a devastated OW/WS but I remember you had a lot of questions and musings about your xMM marriage! I was hoping you weren't still stuck in that place of wondering what was going on with his marriage and it appears, at least to me, that you are long past that!

 

You remember quite right. What a wreck!

 

But it is not long that I am past it. And it took a paradigm shift in the way I view life to get past the negative state I was in.

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad the shift is apparent enough for you to sense it.

 

I have learnt a lot on LS, and I don't know how I would have worked through things without paople to talk to, and a chance to be honest

 

But despite differences of opinion, it is people like yourself and Spark who have helped me the most. I am grateful for that.

[wheelwright]

Actually, WW, neglect is not a cause to initiate a divorce filing.

 

It is adultery, unreconcilable differences, mental cruelty, abandonment... and possible death with no body found.

 

If money is the prime interest of divorce, and certainly the prime interest of divorce attys;), infidelity can net you more money than unreconcilable differences.

 

Neglect is NOT a causal legal action in divorce. Doesn't exist legally.

 

But in an exit poll of female responders filing for divorce, the number one reason given was emotional neglect.

 

Interesting. Good to have knowledgeable people who can set the record straight for us.

 

Exit poll, .

[Maladjusted]

After DDay, what is the best thing your WS could say to you and why?

 

The truth about the relationship she was having so I could make the most informed decision about whether or not the marriage and the both of us would really have a shot at good, honest recovery.

[wheelwright]

The truth about the relationship she was having so I could make the most informed decision about whether or not the marriage and the both of us would really have a shot at good, honest recovery.

 

So strange. I posted this thread wondering if I would get this answer.

 

On the whole the BSs answering assumed the love in the M was so apparent that this wasn't a necessary part of the process.

 

I accepted this. That's OK.

[Kidd]

I found it interesting that the title of the thread is about what you think the BS wants the WS to "feel," yet your first post asks about what they could "say."

 

After DDay, what is the best thing your WS could say to you and why?

 

I think those are two separate things so I had to think on it.

 

The things that they could say are too numerous to list. The BS needs consistent affirmation on everything since the lack of honesty and respect has eradicated any trust of their view of their spouse and probably their world view. They must convince the BS that what's being presented now is honest. Good luck. I like the poster that requests the truth. Further convincing the BS that you're now somehow in love with them enough for them to risk a false or failed reconciliation is a tall order. There aren't enough words.

 

What would I want them to feel? True remorse. And love for my willingness to stay out of love for her.

[nyrias]

I found it interesting that the title of the thread is about what you think the BS wants the WS to "feel," yet your first post asks about what they could "say."

 

 

 

I think those are two separate things so I had to think on it.

 

The things that they could say are too numerous to list. The BS needs consistent affirmation on everything since the lack of honesty and respect has eradicated any trust of their view of their spouse and probably their world view. They must convince the BS that what's being presented now is honest. Good luck. I like the poster that requests the truth. Further convincing the BS that you're now somehow in love with them enough for them to risk a false or failed reconciliation is a tall order. There aren't enough words.

 

What would I want them to feel? True remorse. And love for my willingness to stay out of love for her.

 

May be they shouldnt say anything and should just leave.

 

Sometimes i do wonder though. Is out-right abandonment preferable to cheating?

[Owl]

May be they shouldnt say anything and should just leave.

 

Sometimes i do wonder though. Is out-right abandonment preferable to cheating?

 

I'd say that knowing the truth behind why they left is equally as important.

[Tech_E]

Sometimes i do wonder though. Is out-right abandonment preferable to cheating?

 

I would say yes. If the cheater actually gave a ___ about their spoouse this is what they would do instead of cheat anyway.

[Maladjusted]

 

Sometimes i do wonder though. Is out-right abandonment preferable to cheating?

 

In many ways I think they are one and the same because you are still left with the burning question: "Why?"

[rafallus]

Sometimes i do wonder though. Is out-right abandonment preferable to cheating?

Depends.

 

There are people who want to know, and there are people who don't, maybe feeling it inside, but suppresing it with, I don't know, die-hard optimism or good faith? (As you can guess, I'm the former, hence I don't really know, what it is).

 

Personally, if had to choose, I'd prefer abandonment and fill the blanks with worst possible scenario. But that's me.

Edited August 15, 2011 by rafallus

[nyrias]

I would say yes. If the cheater actually gave a ___ about their spoouse this is what they would do instead of cheat anyway.

 

If they give a ____, they wont abandon their spouses either.

[Donewrong]

I would say yes. If the cheater actually gave a ___ about their spoouse this is what they would do instead of cheat anyway.

 

If that is really how you feel and seeing how you had an affair as well..why reconcile? I mean if I thought you really didn't give a $$$$$$ about me because you have an affair... reconciliation for me was based on the fact that I thought we did actually give a $$$ about each other..

Just curious? thowing my thoughts out there..bad or good.

Edited August 15, 2011 by Donewrong

[John Michael Kane]

If that is really how you feel and seeing how you had an affair as well..why reconcile? I mean if I thought you really didn't give a $$$$$$ about me because you have an affair... reconciliation for me was based on the fact that I thought we did actually give a $$$ about each other..

Just curious? thowing my thoughts out there..bad or good.

 

Come on now. No need for bickering. Both of you are in the wrong so there's no need to grill him 21 questions.

 

Peace.