We Love/Hate each other, cant leave each other alone, 13 yrs, !

[ashez92]

Let me start by saying this may be long but its very interesting and I would appreciate some feedback so much. I am desperate. Me and my boyfriend of 13 years are finally done, we are not married but I posted here because I feel like we were since it was so long. We got together when I was 15, he lived up the street and he was my everything, my mom, dad, boyfriend, and best friend. My parents were always gone, left me home weeks at a time off on drugs and they verbally abused me and I basically had to raise myself. When Jerry came along he did everything for me, took me places, made sure I had food, and most of all he loved me more than life itself. As soon as I was old enough, I got us our own apartment. I was always determined to make something of myself and had ambition to have a great career and life that I never had growing up. Jerry always had a crummy job just to get by and I paid all the bills and took care of basically everything. He did buy my food everyday and go out and get things when I didn't feel like it.

 

Due to my childhood, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety which half of the time puts me in the bed watching TV or sleeping. I managed to have a great on-line business and bought us a dream house at the age of 22. He didn't have to work, I made way to much money for it to even make sense. He did my packing for me and I paid him and he had a credit card for expenses and he basically had it made. I did all the cleaning and he was a slob. He had hobbies loved spending money on new softball bats and had a gambling addiction. He wasted every dime he had playing poker either on line or at a house game. We broke up every other month or so for a few days, he always fought for me back non-stop, he would never give up. I wanted to leave for years and he would not let me. This led to domestic violence on both our parts, cheating on both our parts, you name it we have done it to each other, especially when were teen, keyed each others cars, tore up walls and furniture, hit each other, even put him him in jail twice, if one of us was cheating, or even something close to cheating, prepare for a war from one of us and major trust issues. But he is a master manipulator that can make me and anyone believe anything. So it was easier for me to let me him stay than fighting him off the whole time we would be broke up he would stalk me, never let me have another relationship, and if he wanted out i would do the same thing to him.

 

We were so unhappy and had so many problems but we still loved each other so much and we would never leave each other alone, one of us would always come back no matter what. That's how it was for 13 years. I lost my business and had to get a job, he blew through saving on stupid online gambling and I needed him to work and help or we would lose the house. I was extremely depressed over that house, i worked so hard for it. He left when things got hard and said we didn't need to be together. He went back home to his parents and left me to move and find somewhere else to live knowing I was all alone, no family, no parents, no friends, he was my whole life since I was 15 when he saved me from the torment I was going through with living with drug addicted parent that had neglected me my entire life.

 

I have accepted that he is a liar, cheater, has no respect for me, and I dont even care that he is sleeping with someone else or that he is in love with someone else. My problem is, I miss him as a person. Its like my husband/mom/dad/best friend died. No matter how much we hated each other, we loved each other just as much, like he was my brother almost.

 

He recently began seeing some new girl that has money, so I guess she can use her like he used me for 12 years and then leave when things get hard and I need his help. I literally took care of him financially in every way for the past seven years he has not worked or contributed to anything, he didnt even mow the grass.

 

So recently when he started seeing this new rich girl, he changed his phone number so I couldn't fuss about him not being around anymore and I have had no contact whatsoever with him for 3 weeks now. We have never went longer than a week without some contact and its driving me insane. I want to know how he is doing, I want to be his friend, this whole past year when we were broke up, he would always show up when things went bad with whoever his girl was at the time and want to just hang out with me to have someone to hold and to talk to. I was lonely and so I let him, every time. This happened every few weeks for the past year. We have tried a couple times to get back together but it never works so we decided we were better as friends and we get along fine as friends, its great.

 

Its so hard to do anything that doesn't remind me of him or make me think of him. Every song I know we have either listened to together or sung together. Everything there is to do, I have done it with him many times. He is my whole world and its like he just died. I know its for the best, I know we are not meant to be together but I love him more than anything in the world as a person, I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I fell like my whole family died. How do I move on from this? Even worse, my terrible depression cause me to never go out and meet anyone. I have had a couple relationships this past year and as soon as things get good and kinda serious, I pull back and push them away for no reason at all. I find something wrong with everyone and I am constantly comparing everyone to Jerry.

 

Everyone says I have trust issues, but I feel like when I try to have a relationship, I found someone I really like, I do feel like I trust them very much, but subconsciously, I wont let myself get attached for some reason even though I want to. The closer we get, the more I push away. I end up making excuses as to why I cant see them like I am sick or something and its for no reason other than me to lay in the bed alone. Also, I cant be around anyone that is clingy or wants to see me everyday, I am a person that is used to being alone and it irritates me to have someone around me all the time. Jerry would go off and do his own thing lots of times and I would have my alone time, yet still knew he was coming home to me and that's how I liked it. What do I do to get over the loss of him since he was so much more than a husband, he was my whole life, I have no one else and wont let anyone else get close also how do I fix that? Or am I just doomed to be alone forever since I like be alone alot but I do wish I could have some to talk to and see every few days. I don't mean to be conceited but in this small town, I was blessed with pretty cute looks and I can pretty much be able to date just about any single guy I want (i know that sounds so conceited please don't think that) But any guy I'm attracted to I feel is just a jerk that wants sex and if they aren't a jerk I will push them away anyway. I cant win for losing here???

 

I work, rent a family house and am depressed that all my stuff is boxed up and i need help to get the house straight I went from a big house to a smaller one so I have alot of boxes everywhere. I have no energy, I have been tested for everything under the sun and the doctor just says I'm severely depressed. I can barely make it to work sometimes and all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV or sleep but at the same time I feel so guilty that I am not out doing things I want to do because I am so fatigued and I'm wasting my life away. I am 27 and have been like this as long as I can remember, only now its without my other half.

 

We also have two dogs together, I know that sounds silly but we love them like they are our kids and the fact that he has went this long without seeing them is just so not like him, he is such a good father to him, or was until this new girl he is seeing came along. Its like now all of a sudden he can be a good boyfriend to someone new by cutting off contact with me, but he never could do that for me when I wanted him to stop talking to his ex for us to get back together. My life is a mess and going nowhere. I have no money for therapy and can barely afford my anxiety and depression medicine which I have tried literally everything on the market. I don't cry, I don't feel sad all the time, I just have no energy to barely move all the time. How do I get over a life without Jerry in it at all?

 

How do I let someone new be with me and not push them away? How to do get over this depression I have had even before me and Jerry had problems that stemmed from my childhood abuse and neglect and severe abandonment issues from everyone that has ever been in my life? Please help. Desperate. If you are like me please share, at least I will know I'm not alone. I may even be a bit bipolar, the doctor says some bipolar people don't get crazy much they stay tired and barely do anything like me. Meds don't help enough for me to have a normal life and with Jerry basically being dead to me I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading this horribly long post. I feel better just being able to get it out. Sincerely, lost, lonely, alone and clueless???

[Yasuandio]

I'm about to give you outstanding advice.

 

Wakey, wakey. You may be lost and lonely, but you certainly are not clueless young lady. Pull your shyt together. It was not that long ago you had a successful on-line business that enabled you to purchase a home, savings, and support yourself as well as your dysfunctional sidekick gambler until he ruined you. Like, forget Jerry. Does anyone need to tell you he is bad news?

 

Forget your upbringing: and problems thereto. Forgive your parents NOW. If they are still alive tell them the following, "mother, I love you. Please forgive me for not being a better daughter.". This will make your Mother cry. Next, if he's still living, do the same with you Dad. Never speak or write to them without these words. You will be happy in the future for this gesture. It comes from the Muslim religion: Mother comes first, second and third. Then husband, father, siblings, etc.

 

Now, your self esteme and confidence has been damaged, especially if you continue to pine to trash that has absolutely no regard or respect for you. I know what it is like. I'm going thru it too. Reseach everything you can on re-building your self-esteme and confidence. The answer and solution is within you, and your loving yourself again. Consider yourself lucky you are learning this at such an early age! Good luck, Yas

[ashez92]

Thank you so much for that, that's a great way to help with forgiving my parents, I have tried to before and they have apologized but I can't seem to forgive them, I never went about it that way though, and the other things you said r very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my ridiculously long story and for the great advice, I truly appreciate it!

[Active_979]

Here is my two cents. Get counseling, although it did not save my marriage it helped me. There are alot of things we cannot see about ourselves without a trained third party being involved. You need to forgive, true, but you should never forget. The situations in the past are continuing to cause you problems and unless you deal with them, you will never be able to move out of this rut you are in.

 

I can say, once you let go of a dysfunctional relationship it is easier to see the shortcomings and critique yourself. It will take a long time to do that though, I still struggle with it. Just know that you are not the first person to deal with this and that you wont be the last. Best of luck to you

[Lexygirl]

I feel for you honey.

So you are 27... that means you have lots of life ahead of you and you should actually thank that dude for getting the h ell out of your life NOW. Don't waste one more moment on him. I know that alot of things will trigger memories. Let them. Then let the sadness come and then let it go.

 

The key is time. It will take time for you to find yourself. I bet one day you will get up and say "Ok, enough of this ! It's time to start moving forward"

Right now even small successes are important so see them for what they are ! If you can manage to go through one box of your stuff and put it away... reward yourself with something YOU love ! If all you can do is get out of bed for a little bit and take a walk then GREAT ! Eventually you will build a new life. Accept that it's going to look different than what you are used to. Change is tough and scary but if we stop resisting, it comes much easier.

 

Just keep in mind every day ... YOU ARE A SURVIVOR !!

 

As far as you feeling most comfortable being with a man who doesn't ask too much of you ... well that may come from not wanting to let anyone 'into your world' too much... I totally get that. That comes from the fear of abandonment, the fear that if you let down your walls, you will get hurt. It's what you're used to. There IS a balance, though. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can slowly let someone in. Like I say, it all takes time. Just don't miss out on life and wonderful people because you perceive them as a threat. Take it slow and enjoy being with others without thinking too much.

 

Also, search really hard for a reduced rate or free therapist. Ask your doc, etc. for suggestions. Trust me, it really helps to have an outlet. Also, writing down thoughts when they come helps ALOT too ! I have written ALOT of poetry and done alot of journaling and also written letters that were never sent but it feels great to just get it out !

 

Take care of you.

Lexy