Torn Between Two Men

[Cosmo14]

There's no denying what I've done is unacceptable. I'm just scared as hell of being alone. Ever since I was young I've felt the need to feel wanted...

[Imajerk17]

Thank you imajerk for your helpful insights. I know I'm in the wrong and I can admit that. It's not fair to lead this double life of a lie. Now here's another question. If they want to confront eachother what should I do? I'm the sole perp here because guy #2 actually thinks I broke up with #1 before I got intimate with him. I spun myself a lie of webs that's so believable sometimes I believe it. Tell them both about eachother without dropping names? Neither of them have ANY clue. Like I said I'm very good at making up stories as I've used lies to cover up my alcoholism and addiction for 8 years... Horrible I know but it's all I know. I'm in need of serious soul searching.

 

No don't give out names to either of them if there is any way to avoid doing so. You might want to say to your fiance that the other had no idea you were engaged.

 

As far as your fear of being alone, you can deal with that later. Meanwhile, you need to talk to your fiance ASAP. As in TONIGHT.

[Cosmo14]

As far as my "fiancé", I've given alot for him. I tend to go for manipulative men with the same jealousy issues I have. Two years ago we found out I was pregnant by him, I was not having any affairs. He basically gave me an ultimatum an abortion or he leave me. As you guessed I had the abortion, and also gave up a nursing career as he graduated college a year earlier than me. Resentment? Yes. But I was blind and didn't see the red flags.

[Cosmo14]

Tonight I'm having dinner with the fiancé and I also made plans after to stop by #2's house. I am terrified. I don't even know how I am going to break the ice. I'll keep everyone updated on what happens tonight. "Truth dinner" in 3 hours.

[Chi townD]

Well, I have to give you props for doing the right thing even if it's scary to think about. But, the best thing for you to do is to end both relationships and focus on you.

[Imajerk17]

Tonight I'm having dinner with the fiancé and I also made plans after to stop by #2's house. I am terrified. I don't even know how I am going to break the ice. I'll keep everyone updated on what happens tonight. "Truth dinner" in 3 hours.

 

Two in one night takes a strong stomach. I salute you for facing the music and doing the right thing though. Props.

[Cosmo14]

Thanks chitown. This should have been done a long time ago or never even started to begin with. I AM only human. I will update after the dinner tonight!

 

Something that's been bugging me- how does one know when they've had closure and is ready to move on? When will I know I can commit to a man again? I agree I need alone time but I can't be alone forever. I don't want to settle for anyone either.

[Cosmo14]

As the time comes closer and I prep for tonights encounters I feel as if my whole world is crumbling. I feel like I'm being melodramatic because I know that life goes on but I'm still hurt.

 

The crazy jealous feeling of me thinking about either one of them moving on- to women who DESERVES them kills me.

 

I keep thinking what could have been if it were different timing or if I would have played by the rules. My relentless actions are turning on me and yes it sucks.

 

I have a pit in my stomach from fear and loathing myself.

[SoulStorm]

As the time comes closer and I prep for tonights encounters I feel as if my whole world is crumbling. I feel like I'm being melodramatic because I know that life goes on but I'm still hurt.

 

The crazy jealous feeling of me thinking about either one of them moving on- to women who DESERVES them kills me.

 

I keep thinking what could have been if it were different timing or if I would have played by the rules. My relentless actions are turning on me and yes it sucks.

 

I have a pit in my stomach from fear and loathing myself.

 

Do you think you have these emotional predator or narcissistic traits?

 

✦ A sense of superiority places them above others

✦ Must be the center of attention, constantly seeking approval, acknowledgment, kudos, accolades, praise

✦ Act like they are the lead character in all things in life

✦ Dominate conversations because they believe they have the only worthwhile things to say

✦ Want others to give into their demands, request for favors, and put their needs first

✦ Have inflated egos, inflated sense of entitlement, inflated sense of importance, inflated need to be center stage

✦ Envious of other people’s accomplishments and will steal, lie, or sabotage others to get attention back to them

✦ Envious of other people’s possessions, they will put such ownership down or minimize it to make themselves look more noble

✦ Search for constant approval and praise to reinforce their false grandiose sense of self, they’re “on- stage,” dominating the conversation, often exaggerating their importance

✦ (Since the self is so fragile — an ever crumbling construction of their ego) — use power, money, status, looks, supposed past glories (or supposed future glories) to boost their image

✦ See criticism as baseless attacks or betrayal and countered with cold-shoulder anger or rage or chilly stares or verbal attack.

✦ Can never accept blame. Others are always to blame.

✦ Feel being center of attention is good, right, and proper

✦ Have a grandiose sense of self-importance

✦ Think they are special, God-touched, or privileged

✦ Think they can only be understood by other special or high-status people

✦ Have unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

✦ Believe they are beyond the rules. Laws do not apply to them and remorse is only felt when someone catches and confronts them.

✦ High maintenance because they need your attention, praise, and deference

✦ Fake sweetness, honor, and good intentions, but deprive them of something they want and look out as they reveal their true selves.

✦ Express grand, exciting plans, but rarely can make them happen

✦ Blame others rather than take personal responsibility

✦ Lack of empathy colors everything they do.

✦ May say, “How are you?” when you meet, but they are not interested

✦ Their blame-shifting creates defensiveness. Then they belittle the defensiveness: “Why are you so angry?”

✦ Since they shift blame so well & seamlessly, your guilt/insecurity issues stay raw and over-sensitive.

✦ Lend you a hand up, then subtlety cut off at the knees to keep you indebted & coming back.

✦ If you point out an error they made, they go into defensive mode counter any such notion with anger, venting, rage, cold-shoulder, or withdraw

✦ Give you a metaphorical rug & then keep pulling it out from under you

✦ They are: blowhards, braggarts, blusterers, brow-beaters, bullies, big-headed, and ultimately bogus.

✦ Help you gain certain skills/info/connections, but then forever make you feel beholden to them.

✦ Extremely skilled at making anyone under their influence crave their approval.

✦ Make you feel special & then emotional distance themselves in ways that keep you unsure of yourself.

✦ Use a judgmental “you’re OK”/”you’re not OK” yo-yoing to keep you off-balance & “blameworthy.”

✦ Groom people via manipulation (charm/rage combo) to sell their reality/rationalizations to others.

✦ Virtually all of their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others, people they know and perhaps think of as an authority.

✦ Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversations of others.

✦ Expect others to do mundane things, since they feel too important to do them

✦ Constantly use of “I”, “me,” and “my” when they talk.

✦ Very rarely talk about their inner life, memories and dreams, for example.

✦ Lie, using subterfuge and deception as tools

✦ Are stuck in one level of maturity where growth is not an option

✦ Only have eyes for “me, myself, and I” instead of “we”

✦ Don’t understand empathy, except to fake it as a tool

✦ Play “Give to get” by being nice or helpful only to expect reciprocation

✦ Put on the air of “having it all together” and will not readily admit failure or weakness

✦ Jump to defensive mode readily and frequently

✦ May apologize, but it doesn’t mean a real change in behavior

✦ Run from their own problems rather than tackling them

✦ Demand your trust rather than being transparent and earning it

✦ See you as extensions of themselves and resist your freedom

✦ Create stories, euphemisms, sayings, definitions, rules they hold up as Truth. Their world is false.

✦ Must talk about themselves & be in control. They want you to just be an ego-stroking entity for them.

✦ Find personality weaknesses & exploit them as easily as you & I ride a bicycle.

✦ Will rarely listen to or respect your “No”

✦ Take advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

✦ Appear tough-minded or unemotional

✦ React to criticism with anger, blame-shifting, shaming or humiliating others

✦ Fail to recognize people’s emotions and feelings

✦ Exaggerate achievements, personal history or talents

✦ Are unpredictable in mood and behavior

✦ Become aggressive, hostile, verbally vicious, or withdraws when threatened

✦ Can vocalize regret for a short time when found out, but soon rationalizes it away

✦ Appearance is important, so primping or fastidiousness is common

✦ Withdraw or a cold shoulder is used as a tool to make you do what they want

✦ Rationalize everything to make sure they always come out on top

✦ Will steal an idea, quote, lesson plan, piece of wisdom — call it their own

✦ Groom underlings and create organizational or business environments to suit their need for ego stroking

[Memphis Raines]

Thanks chitown. This should have been done a long time ago or never even started to begin with. I AM only human.

 

 

you know who is human and deserves to be treated as such? your fiance.

[Cosmo14]

Yes to pretty much all of them. I know I'm a narcissist and I've been self centered.

[Memphis Raines]

Guy#2 might not be a good catch but he is a good match for her at this point.

 

thats why I love hearing stories of women who choose the bad boy. because they always end up whining about them later.

[Memphis Raines]

As far as my "fiancé", I've given alot for him. I tend to go for manipulative men with the same jealousy issues I have. Two years ago we found out I was pregnant by him, I was not having any affairs. He basically gave me an ultimatum an abortion or he leave me. As you guessed I had the abortion, and also gave up a nursing career as he graduated college a year earlier than me. Resentment? Yes. But I was blind and didn't see the red flags.

 

a cheater talking about red flags?? now I've heard it all.

[Professor X]

Something that's been bugging me- how does one know when they've had closure and is ready to move on? When will I know I can commit to a man again? I agree I need alone time but I can't be alone forever. I don't want to settle for anyone either.

 

You will stop thinking about those other men you had, you will look at the mirror and smile rather than cry.

In other words, you will feel it when you're ready.

 

And given your history, I would advice you to not date anyone for at least a year, possibly more, depending on who you are; But a year is the least you gotta wait.

 

Oh, 1 more thing, don't wait for the "right" moment to confess (or alternatively don't try and "warm-up" the conversation), because that moment does NOT exist - it will never feel right, so just do it; And best do it at the start, before you change your mind by something he might say.

[Cosmo14]

Since I would have gotten married at 23, what are some opinions on if that age is young this day in age. Is there an "average age" or status qui people follow?

[Severely Unamused]

Yes to pretty much all of them. I know I'm a narcissist and I've been self centered.

 

Funnily enough, a common reaction when narcissists are called out for being narcissists, is to immediately deny it.

 

Anyway, good luck.

 

Since I would have gotten married at 23, what are some opinions on if that age is young this day in age. Is there an "average age" or status qui people follow?

Late 20s to mid 30s, I believe. The average age seems to be increasing.

[Professor X]

23 sounds awfully young in my opinion, do you have a career ? I doubt.. If so, why build a family? Who will support you? Do you count on the man to do all of this?

 

Imagine the following scenario: You are 25, with 2 kids and you find your husband cheat (yes, the irony, I know), you are hurt so badly and he got busted and as a result decides to ditch you in favor of the new lover, now you are 25, without a career and 2 kids to feed, what are you gonna do? (Oh and, this happens A LOT! So don't come up with something like "it's unlikely").

 

Also, how good you really know yourself at the age of 23? Not good enough to make life long decision that's for sure; It's a gamble and some people win but most lose.

 

Anyway, this is my opinion.

[Cosmo14]

Professorx, I do have a career. I understand the whole what if scenario though. It CAN happen. I've gone through different scenarios and I know it sounds bad but I would never NOT have any of my own money put away- just because I know a man can leave with everything.

 

1 hour until the dinner... Updates to come.

[Cosmo14]

I'm interested in knowing whose BEEN in my situation and what was the outcome?

If not you, have you known anyone that's been through the similar thing? How did it end?

[whammy]

Layzie89 I agree with you cheaters deserve no sympathy. But it's reality people cheat and there are different motives or excuses for everyone. I believe mine is I'm trying to get all the bull**** infedelity out now before I get married...

I'll be the first one to admit I am a selfish mother****** and that's been a character defect I've had since I was young and will always have.

 

i actually dont think its a big deal that you cheated. Its wrong obviously. But a man that bores his gf and doesnt keep bad boy part of himself around is just asking to get cheated on. But its what you do after you cheated that makes it bad. What you are doing makes you a terrible person (dont mean to insult you but you cant do bad things and be a good person.) if you cheated on your fiance and then broke it off with you fiance and told him the truth that next day you would be doing the right thing. But cheating on a man and still using his resources (i dont know if he helps PAY rent or car or whatever) is terrible. relationships are a choice... any girl i date has a right to cheat on me whenever she wants... its my job to make her want me and nobody else. I dont own her, she can do anything she wants with anyone she wants... but ofcourse I will dump her but still no person in a relationship owes the other person anything... ITS ALL A CHOICE. But the minute you take away your fiance's right to be in the kind of relationship he wants to be in (no cheating) and you still use him financially (or any other way) your being HORRIBLE!

[Layzie89]

...but still no person in a relationship owes the other person anything...

Seriously? As far as I know a relationship is a commitment to one another. A respect for one another and regarding the issue at hand, a devotion to remain faithful to his/her partner. Totally absurd to say that someone in a relationship owes nothing to their spouse.

[Severely Unamused]

Seriously? As far as I know a relationship is a commitment to one another. A respect for one another and regarding the issue at hand, a devotion to remain faithful to his/her partner. Totally absurd to say that someone in a relationship owes nothing to their spouse.

 

I don't know if "owe" is the best word.

 

I say that we treat our partner(s) well, out of mutual respect and consideration. I suppose that it is all just semantics though.

[whammy]

Seriously? As far as I know a relationship is a commitment to one another. A respect for one another and regarding the issue at hand, a devotion to remain faithful to his/her partner. Totally absurd to say that someone in a relationship owes nothing to their spouse.

 

they dont... its all a choice. they chose respect, they chose devotion, they chose to be faithful and they can change their mind whenever they want. Like i said its not bad that she cheated... but using her fiance, even for 1 minute, after cheating... is whats really bad.

 

on another note... a woman cheated on her beta-provider, boring fiance with a unpredictable, alpha man, a-hole... is anyone surprised at this? this only happens 2390720517250 times a day. I would say over 90% of the men that women chose to cheat with are like this guy... Its makes me wonder why men stop bringing these aspects of their personalities to LTR's. Maybe if her fiance went out, got in a couples fights, started being more bold with her and throwing her around the bedroom a little bit she might start wanting and respecting him as a man...

 

what the definition of insanity? "doing the same things over and over again hoping for the same results." That applys to ways to this situation:

 

1.) getting married - I dont know people keep doing this... turning a relationship in a financial contract is going to screw over more people then not... oh wait thats already happening.

 

2.) The behaviors that we all commonly associate with being a good husband. Being the beta-provider type has never made a woman's lady parts tingle... and the beta-provider type hubby will end up cheated on, divorced, broke, lonely, and crying into a bottle saying "but i did everything for her"... like we have seen countless times on loveshack.

[Cosmo14]

Okay so the outcome of the "dinner" I had was very shocking. I laid all my cards out on the table and came clean.

I began by explaining to #1 that I had been basically living a double life. I tried not to tear up and told him about my affair with #2 that's been going on 6 months.

 

I saw an instant look of devestatiom and anger. At first he flipped out and asked what I was thinking and did my engagement mean anything. I told him I didn't deserve him and deserved all of the lonely misery I was in for.

 

To my surprise, after a long talk, he said he was willing to work things out as long as I broke everything off with no contact from #2. He said I'd lost all trust and would need to start earning it back from scratch. I'll talk to him later over the phone.

 

After dinner I headed to #2 and walked in to him playing xbox high as a kite. I smoked a little to ease my tension and made small talk at first. I was getting nowhere as he bitched he had to wake up to go to work at 3 am and said I should spend the night. For some reason it hit me that I wasn't getting far in the convo and my life with him woul be just that- smoking pot and having sex with a truck driver I settled for. I must have been high because I kept having racing thoughts of what my future held with him. My conclusion was that I was only sexually attracted to this man. Any dream of me having a successful life would turn into a nightmare and probably divorce. I haven't told #2 due to the circumstances of not being all mentally there.

 

To tell him tonight over the phone? Or not?

 

Ideas on what to do with #1? I'd like to work things out and show amends for what I've ruined.

[Cosmo14]

Ya he knew I was going over there to end it. I'll tell him what happened. No I didn't do anything with #2.