Imajerk17 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Okay so the outcome of the "dinner" I had was very shocking. I laid all my cards out on the table and came clean. I began by explaining to #1 that I had been basically living a double life. I tried not to tear up and told him about my affair with #2 that's been going on 6 months. I saw an instant look of devestatiom and anger. At first he flipped out and asked what I was thinking and did my engagement mean anything. I told him I didn't deserve him and deserved all of the lonely misery I was in for. To my surprise, after a long talk, he said he was willing to work things out as long as I broke everything off with no contact from #2. He said I'd lost all trust and would need to start earning it back from scratch. I'll talk to him later over the phone. After dinner I headed to #2 and walked in to him playing xbox high as a kite. I smoked a little to ease my tension and made small talk at first. I was getting nowhere as he bitched he had to wake up to go to work at 3 am and said I should spend the night. For some reason it hit me that I wasn't getting far in the convo and my life with him woul be just that- smoking pot and having sex with a truck driver I settled for. I must have been high because I kept having racing thoughts of what my future held with him. My conclusion was that I was only sexually attracted to this man. Any dream of me having a successful life would turn into a nightmare and probably divorce. I haven't told #2 due to the circumstances of not being all mentally there. To tell him tonight over the phone? Or not? Ideas on what to do with #1? I'd like to work things out and show amends for what I've ruined. You need to do it ASAP. Over the phone. You're now supposed to be "no contact" with Guy #2, remember? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Well, you got a look at what life would be like with guy#2. I suspect that once you break up with him, he isn't going to be too torn up about it. As far as guy#1? It's not your call anymore. He has to decide if he wants to continue the relationship or not. Yeah, I know he said that he wants to work it out with you; however, that was tonight. And you just gave him the shock of his life. Once things stop spinning in his head, he may feel differently about staying in a relationship with you or not. This is called going through a roller coaster of emotions. Strap yourself in because it's gonna be a bumpy ride! You need to answer all of his questions honestly and openly no matter how painful it will be to reveal your answers and just try to re-assure him. However, I truely feel that if ANYTHING, you cancel the wedding. But to be honest, you should end it with him because you have a lot of demons to work out. I mean, come on! You went to the other guys house and smoked pot?!? You probably had a drink as well! See what I'm talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Imajerk, I told him just now. I called as soon as I made it in my door and explained how things weren't going to work out because I was still with my fiancé the whole time. He legit thought I was joking around playing a prank on him. Then I sent a pic of my ring I claimed I gave back through text. I got told to have a happy life and to screw myself then I heard a click. He keeps texting me now asking what the hell he did wrong and kept asking if it's because he's a truck driver "hillbilly" (he calls himself that but he's a wannabe country boy) who didn't go to college. I don't feel I need to explain myself. Why is he trying to persuade me that he's the better choice? Did I not just rip hid heart out? What is it with these two. I'm being harder on myself than anyone. Anyway, I want to seal the deal and end #2 permanently but he won't stop with his persistence and won't take the hint! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Imajerk, I told him just now. I called as soon as I made it in my door and explained how things weren't going to work out because I was still with my fiancé the whole time. He legit thought I was joking around playing a prank on him. Then I sent a pic of my ring I claimed I gave back through text. I got told to have a happy life and to screw myself then I heard a click. He keeps texting me now asking what the hell he did wrong and kept asking if it's because he's a truck driver "hillbilly" (he calls himself that but he's a wannabe country boy) who didn't go to college. I don't feel I need to explain myself. Why is he trying to persuade me that he's the better choice? Did I not just rip hid heart out? What is it with these two. I'm being harder on myself than anyone. Anyway, I want to seal the deal and end #2 permanently but he won't stop with his persistence and won't take the hint! Don't respond, silence speaks volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Chitown, yeah smoking wasn't the best idea! I think I was in panic mode and just did it without thinking. It's infuriating the fiancé that #2 is so concerned if we will work things out. As for being honest- I've been nothing but an open book tonight. The ball is in my fiancés court and he's calling the shots now... Fiancé has been texting as well saying we need couples therapy if we go on with the wedding. He's aware I smoked tonight and says the drinking and smoking would have remained under contr if I hadn't been seeing #2, which he's correct, because I relapsed last week with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) Imajerk, I told him just now. I called as soon as I made it in my door and explained how things weren't going to work out because I was still with my fiancé the whole time. He legit thought I was joking around playing a prank on him. Then I sent a pic of my ring I claimed I gave back through text. I got told to have a happy life and to screw myself then I heard a click. He keeps texting me now asking what the hell he did wrong and kept asking if it's because he's a truck driver "hillbilly" (he calls himself that but he's a wannabe country boy) who didn't go to college. I don't feel I need to explain myself. Why is he trying to persuade me that he's the better choice? Did I not just rip hid heart out? What is it with these two. I'm being harder on myself than anyone. Anyway, I want to seal the deal and end #2 permanently but he won't stop with his persistence and won't take the hint! Well you were "with" him for 4 months acting like his girlfriend and then you suddenly drop this bombshell that you really are not and were not. He is really pissed at you too and rightfully so. He also has his own grieving process to work through, and one step is denial, another is bargaining. How would you react if you were with someone and then after 4 months they told you that they were still engaged the whole time? I salute you for confessing to both. Even though you did it, you're not done. You're going to have to deal with the fall-out. Edited August 9, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I wouldn't marry you. Nor would I even think about giving you a second chance. Seriously, just end it with him. You don't love him. Who the hell cheats on someone they supposedly love? Even with couple's counseling, your marriage isn't going to work. You'll most likely end up cheating again and making guy #1 regret his decision of giving you a second chance. Just tell guy #1 that you're deeply sorry for what you did and that you don't want to risk hurting him deeply again. Once that's said, give the ring back and start recovering. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie89 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I agree with Desensitized. You have no respect for your fiance and him letting you off the hook so easy isn't helping to restore it at all. You'll feel bad for a few months, do everything you can to show him you've changed but eventually you'll end up cheating again. You know what you can get away with now, it's only a matter of time before you do it again. Read up on the forums actuslly. Go look for posts where someone cheated, spouse took him/her back and see how they all end. You guessed it. The person cheats again and the victim posts about how stupid they were to take the cheating partner back. Take our advice and take some time to be single for now. Clearly you're not ready to be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I'm glad you ended it with #2; he was bad news. But honestly, #1 doesn't sound much better. I don't think you should stay with a guy who threatened that you had to have an abortion or he'd leave you. If he asked you to give up your career, that's a second red flag. Seriously - you don't love #1 (cos you cheated on him), he made you have an abortion, he made you give up your career - why do you want to be with him? He might look good on paper in terms of being educated and financially stable, but he doesn't sound like a nice guy and you're not in love with him. Cut him loose and find a decent guy who you actually want to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Dump the first guy because you will just end up repeating the cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 he made you have an abortion, he made you give up your career - ...wow... co-dependent much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Fiancé said this morning that his love for me is unconditional. Haven't talked to #2 at all and don't plan on it. For those of you that think you know me saying I'll cheat again- why would I do so if I got the highschool sweetheart out of the picture? I wouldn't. I'm emotionally exhausted. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Wait...wait...guy #2 never knew about guy #1? Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Fiancé said this morning that his love for me is unconditional. He basically gave me an ultimatum an abortion or he leave me. No further comment is required. Actions say it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Guy #2 thought I ended it with #1 before we started the affair. Then I told him last night I never did. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Girl, that's not cool. I still think that you should cancel the wedding until you can sort yourself out. I see that you're trying to do the right thing, and that's awesome. But, until you figure out why you were conducting yourself in such destructive behavior, you're not being fair to yourself or to guy #1. I recommend that you go to indivdual counseling as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is what it is. Not my call anymore. I personally don't want to cancel the wedding but we will see... I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Imajerk, I told him just now. I called as soon as I made it in my door and explained how things weren't going to work out because I was still with my fiancé the whole time. wrong choice, you should have set your fiance free since you have to put on a "happy face" to be with him, and are clearly only in it because he can take care of you. You will be using him now. I got told to have a happy life and to screw myself then I heard a click. He keeps texting me now asking what the hell he did wrong and kept asking if it's because he's a truck driver "hillbilly" (he calls himself that but he's a wannabe country boy) who didn't go to college. I don't feel I need to explain myself. you play with someone's emotions, and you don't feel the need to explain yourself? you screwed around with someone's heart, you OWE him an explanation. What is it with these two. I'm being harder on myself than anyone. Anyway, I want to seal the deal and end #2 permanently but he won't stop with his persistence and won't take the hint! maybe you should have a little more compassion for someone you treated like dog crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Fiancé said this morning that his love for me is unconditional. Haven't talked to #2 at all and don't plan on it. For those of you that think you know me saying I'll cheat again- why would I do so if I got the highschool sweetheart out of the picture? because you are only in it with guy #1 for stability. He doesn't know that you really have to fake being happy with him, as you have already admitted to this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is what it is. Not my call anymore. I personally don't want to cancel the wedding but we will see... I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned. Ummm....no you don't. Your fiance isn't going to let by gone's be by gone's. He going to question anything you do, question everywhere you go. He'll say that he loves you one minute and call you a whoring slut the next. He'll be happy and laughing one minute and then crying and broken the next. He'll tell you that he can't live without you one minute and then telling you that he hates your guts the next. Then he'll be talking and interacting with you one minute then be quite and withdrawn the next. This is that roller coaster I was telling you about. So, you haven't seen it yet but you broke this guys heart. The slate isn't clean; there's a lot more mess to clean up. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is what it is. Not my call anymore. I personally don't want to cancel the wedding but we will see... I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned. if this is what you believe, then you are truly not ready for marriage. Marriage is not for the selfish, the weak, or the insecure. The first 2 you definitely are. the 3rd is also true seeing as how you couldn't bear to think of either of them being happy with another woman, which again also gets back to the first character trait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Like I asked before... Whose BEEN in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is what it is. Not my call anymore. I personally don't want to cancel the wedding but we will see...??? Are you kidding me right now? It's not your "call" anymore? No one is putting a gun to your head and telling you that you have to get married to this guy. Of course you don't want to cancel the engagement, you're scared of what people will think - but unfortunately, you really don't have a choice. Unless you really want to go through a rollercoaster of a relationship - if you do, be my guest. It's not going to be fun filing for divorce later on, though. I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned. You are extremely delusional and I recommend you seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. Marriage isn't a game, so think everything through if you decide to go through with the wedding. A couple weeks of bliss isn't worth the pain and misery of a dysfunctional marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie89 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is what it is. Not my call anymore. I personally don't want to cancel the wedding but we will see... I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned. Your outlook on the whole thing is ****ed. You got to screw this bad boy and STILL keep your relationship with #1...you must be the happiest girl in the world right now am I right? Can't wait to see you back here in a few months when you cheat again and don't know what to do. How do I know you're going to cheat again? "It is what it is...I have a clean slate as far as I'm concerned." I wonder how your fiance would react if he read that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cosmo14 Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 He told me that. And as far as the pessimistic responses how lonely are you that you need to read about someone elses misery... That's what you were hoping for right? Me bitching about how my fiancé ended it with me? It wasn't the ending everyone had hoped for huh? I'm a big girl and I don't need a lecture on what to do with my relationship now. I asked for advice on the infedelity part and now that's in the open I can sleep at night. Link to post Share on other sites
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