married woman single guy

[whitetea]

I'm a married woman involved with a single guy for over one year.I've been married for 5 years. we met over one year ago through an adult internets dating site.he was engaged to someone at that time for 3 years. we met every single day and fell in love.what started as a sexual on the side affair turned into something awesome. his finance caught him cheating last year and hes single since. I told my husband too that I want to leave. I have a 2 year old child from H.its a battle now at home.H does not want ne to leave but I'm going to. I wanted to post this to tell people that in such relationships people do leave their marriages if they really want to be with someone. its a very hard process for the married person with fights, heartbreak, families turning against you.and it takes a long time but mp do it.I want to know how many of such relationships have been successful ? How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

Ps.. I've filed for divorce.

Edited August 8, 2011 by whitetea
update

[Steadfast]

Not many, but you're doing the right thing. Leave your husband, don't let him talk you out of it.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

If your divorce is contentious due to H not wanting the M to end and also due to having a 2yo child with him, guard against the OM becoming a symbol of those negative feelings.

 

I would recommend to, without prejudice, agree with your OM to a break while you make the initial moves to proceed with your D. Even if you are emotionally detached from your M, there will be inevitable feelings of loss, anger and sorrow as the D proceeds. It's very difficult to be an equal and healthy romantic partner while going through that. Essentially, the A will become 'real' in the midst of a very difficult personal period.

 

I've been an OM a few times and have watched the process as a friend in a few more. I was also a MM whose D was final about ten months ago. Good luck with your path.

Edited August 8, 2011 by carhill

[chalkfarm]

I wanted to post this to tell people that in such relationships people do leave their marriages if they really want to be with someone. I want to know how many of such relationships have been successful ? How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

Generally, women leave and men stay (or go back as the case was with my XMM).

 

As to the bolded, I think every OW on this board wants/wanted the answers to your questions. Be cautious when regarding stats on the subject.

[MissBee]

I'm a married woman involved with a single guy for over one year.I've been married for 5 years. we met over one year ago through an adult internets dating site.he was engaged to someone at that time for 3 years. we met every single day and fell in love.what started as a sexual on the side affair turned into something awesome. his finance caught him cheating last year and hes single since. I told my husband too that I want to leave. I have a 2 year old child from H.its a battle now at home.H does not want ne to leave but I'm going to. I wanted to post this to tell people that in such relationships people do leave their marriages if they really want to be with someone. its a very hard process for the married person with fights, heartbreak, families turning against you.and it takes a long time but mp do it.I want to know how many of such relationships have been successful ? How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

Ps.. I've filed for divorce.

 

Yes that is true. We all know many folks who have divorced and gone on with their lives, with kids, dogs, houses, boats, drama and the lot. Heck, 50% of marriages end in divorce, therefore, many many people are divorcing, why? Because they want to. Sooo for the OW/OM wanting the MP to divorce and are citing that this person cannot or they need an indefinite and undisclosed time frame in order to do it and the list goes on....I don't buy it...Easy? Ofcourse not. Indefinite excuses, indefinite time frames, cannot, plans change etc. No, sorry. If I am going to be an OW who actually wants the MP to leave, I need them to be one of the MPs who has every intention of leaving with haste, who is taking actual steps and who loves me more than the comfort of their current situation and the unknown. Otherwise, no thanks.

Edited August 8, 2011 by MissBee

[Severely Unamused]

Welcome to LS

 

If your divorce is contentious due to H not wanting the M to end and also due to having a 2yo child with him, guard against the OM becoming a symbol of those negative feelings.

 

I would recommend to, without prejudice, agree with your OM to a break while you make the initial moves to proceed with your D. Even if you are emotionally detached from your M, there will be inevitable feelings of loss, anger and sorrow as the D proceeds. It's very difficult to be an equal and healthy romantic partner while going through that. Essentially, the A will become 'real' in the midst of a very difficult personal period.

 

I've been an OM a few times and have watched the process as a friend in a few more. I was also a MM whose D was final about ten months ago. Good luck with your path.

 

This is good advice.

 

How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

One study (can't remember) concluded that less than 5 percent of affairs are exit affairs. Take it or leave it.

 

Whitetea, what leaves me somewhat depressed is that you decided to have an affair so soon after the birth of your child. It screams lack if foresight. And now your husband will most likely become a weekend dad. Not trying to guilt trip you, but it is a perspective that some women seem to heavily play down when they file for divorce.

 

I wonder if postpartum depression is a factor.

[YellowShark]

You were married with a child. He was engaged to be married. So what were you BOTH doing on an "adult internet dating site?"

 

IMHO I don't see long-term future for you two as a couple.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm a married woman involved with a single guy for over one year.I've been married for 5 years. we met over one year ago through an adult internets dating site.he was engaged to someone at that time for 3 years. we met every single day and fell in love.what started as a sexual on the side affair turned into something awesome. his finance caught him cheating last year and hes single since. I told my husband too that I want to leave. I have a 2 year old child from H.its a battle now at home.H does not want ne to leave but I'm going to. I wanted to post this to tell people that in such relationships people do leave their marriages if they really want to be with someone. its a very hard process for the married person with fights, heartbreak, families turning against you.and it takes a long time but mp do it.I want to know how many of such relationships have been successful ? How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

Ps.. I've filed for divorce.

 

You finally did the right thing. Congrats to your husband. He will heal, may take awhile, but he will heal.

[TurboGirl]

Good luck to you... but this won't be an easy road, and the way I see it, it has hardly "worked out". Chances are you will encounter all kinds of problems you never knew existed with your wonderful single man. 5 years in your marriage, huh? Wow, you gave that your all. Out cavorting around with another guy when you have a little baby who needs your attention... don't you see something wrong with that?

 

To me, looks like your are hopping around. You get bored, overwhelmed with the entire family scene and you want something different. You are soooo determined to leave your H and break up your family. I think you should go talk with someone - a counselor or psychologist - before you do. Otherwise you will probably do the same thing again.

 

Your single guy isn't superman. Suggest that you take a good hard look at yourself and what is truly happening before you leave your H for this wonderful guy who broke up your marriage/family.

[Severely Unamused]

Please leave your H right away.

 

Grant your H custody of the baby.

 

Go find happiness with OM.

 

Why did you marry your H? It seems you never loved him. I wish you well.

 

Yes. Do what you have to do...

 

To reiterate on my previous post, why have an affair just after the child is over the age of one?

 

Even the anti-judgemental police have to admit, that's pretty messed up.

[y2k]

I'm a married woman involved with a single guy for over one year.I've been married for 5 years. we met over one year ago through an adult internets dating site.he was engaged to someone at that time for 3 years. we met every single day and fell in love.what started as a sexual on the side affair turned into something awesome. his finance caught him cheating last year and hes single since. I told my husband too that I want to leave. I have a 2 year old child from H.its a battle now at home.H does not want ne to leave but I'm going to. I wanted to post this to tell people that in such relationships people do leave their marriages if they really want to be with someone. its a very hard process for the married person with fights, heartbreak, families turning against you.and it takes a long time but mp do it..

 

Before anything, I will advise you that in this board, you'll get various responses....everything from good to bad. You'll also find plenty of people here in the board bashing you for your decision. They seem to think that people HAVE to stay married to someone they are not in love with, while being in love with someone who is a million times better. They seem to think you'll get a prize in the end of life for negating and ignoring your feelings and your heart. My advice.....ignore them. Live life!!!!

 

I also want to officially state that if people are going to start something with someone else, please end what you have with your spouse first.

 

I wish you luck. I'm glad you're leaving even with the H making everything into a battle. That's just desperation from his part. Ignore it. He should realize that you're no longer in love with him and that he should just start over with his life. But don't negate him his child either. Unless he is abusive with his child, you should allow joint custody.

 

I want to know how many of such relationships have been successful ? How many people leave their spouses for the other person?

Ps.. I've filed for divorce.

 

There are people who throw around stats around here. Don't take them too seriously.

 

I personally know of two cases where a woman has left her H for another man and it turned out GREAT.

 

The first was a woman (in her late 30's) was married to a man (a successful small business owner locally....not rich but not poor) and they had one kid to together. She wasn't in love with the guy after a period of time. She then met a guy 12 years younger than she was. They feel in love, she left her husband and they got married. 8 years later, they're still together and they're BEYOND happy. They remind me of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. They have a kid with each other and they're REALLY happy.

 

Another case was a woman my mom was friends with. She had an abusive husband and she had a handicap kid with him. Needless to say, she met another guy, they had an affair, and she left her husband and went with the other guy. She got full custody of her handicap son and they all lived happily ever after. In fact right now as I'm writing this, they're vacationing in Italy (they're both in their late 50's so they have money to travel now). They are REALLY happy. The woman's handicap son died a few years ago because people with his condition die young. Needless to say, even with the death of her handicap child, she is happy with her husband. She had two other kids with her new husband and life is great for all of them.

 

Follow your heart. Life is too short. Good luck.

[MissBee]

I'm with TG on the "nothing has worked out yet" part.

 

It would be interesting if you update us as this moves along. If the divorce really happens? How the relationship with your om goes, if you two have trust issues? If you are still with him 1 yr down the road, 2, 3, or 5.

 

Also the fact that you both were on an adult dating site, doesn't speak well for you future unless you address what ever led you to that place. By adult site, I'm assuming you mean a hook up site for married people or perhaps a sex hook up site?

 

Yea.....

 

I find that people often believe that moving from one relationship to a next is a solution, and everything will be okay now...when A LOT of the times, they have issues, so they gravitate to certain types of situations, essentially the same script, different cast and in a few months or years, the same thing starts to happen. You're the common denominator in all your relationships and if you dated a crazy person, that says something about YOU as well.

 

I do think the OP and her guy need to address that, as you've said, if they want their relationship to have a chance. Yes, some relationships aren't meant to be, but the fact that you were with someone whom you weren't suited for to begin with, means you too need to consider how that happened, and not just blame this person for being wrong for you, and consider what you have learned, what has changed now, what will happen in a new scenario versus just jumping ship and thinking all issues have sunk into the ocean and everything will be good now.

Edited August 8, 2011 by MissBee

[bentnotbroken]

Color me confused but I went back and read the responses again and not one person advised her to stay married.

I have read some of this posters other responses and frankly they confuse me. They advise people to lure MW away from their husbands then talk about self esteem of women who stay with cheaters....a lot of unsettling posts.

[MissBee]

Color me confused but I went back and read the responses again and not one person advised her to stay married.

 

Lol @ "color me confused"

 

I don't know BB....I really began to hate the term "projecting" because of this forum, but sometimes, it is necessary to bring up. I think it speaks volumes when someone enters a thread on the defense, "yelling" to the OP not to listen to the "haters" "brainwashers" and pointing out that people are going to try to do xyz to them when nothing of the sort has happened in the thread.....

 

I imagine being at a placid tea party, having a bit of chit chat when some frantic person storms in with a blow horn yelling to people that the tea is poisoned, don't listen to any of these people, drink MY tea instead, don't you feel your throat closing? It's like really??? Really? I think that everyone here seems fine and with no evidence to the contrary your proclamations make you seem a bit loony....

 

If something is NOT currently happening in a thread then you warning about it or bringing it up has to be you projecting from some past experience or what you're expecting to happen versus addressing the current reality of the thread. I can't imagine going into a thread and in the midst of my own advice or as a first responder to the thread, bring up: "Other posters will try to tell you such and such BUT...." I've never and would never....it just seems ridic and the thought doesn't even cross my mind as I am not in the business of monitoring what other people can or cannot say. I'm also not on the defense period, so the stuff I say is never in a tone "against" real or imagined opposition. *shrug*

[whitetea]

I'm offering full custody of my child to H. I was completely at fault and fell out of love with hI'm. I feel horrible as he's a great guy age none of this was his fault. Our marriage was arranged and I met him one day before getting married. nothing was forced, its cultural. but after an year I knew we were sexually not compatible .my mistake was I chose to cheat behind his back instead of telling him that I'm not happy. there is a10 years age difference between us as well. with OM sex was incredible maybe because of nsa.. my H knows everything but still wants to work on our marriage.I feel that I've already destroyed it by cheating. its terrible. I don't blame OM for anything..I did everything knowingly and f****d up H and my child's life. I tried but cannot live without OM ..

[YeahDotDotDot]

I'm offering full custody of my child to H.

 

I know he wants to make it work, but has he said he would want full custody if you guys split?

[whitetea]

I feel very guilty about ruining this man's life and he says that he's never going to get married again or date...that he's finished after our marriage is over. He was not at fault in this situation so I thought the least I can do is to give him our son . H has talked about not wanting to live anymore if he can't see his son everyday. I feel aweful.

[carhill]

One huge risk is becoming overwhelmed. Break it down into simple steps and work each day by itself. The future isn't here yet. Live in the present.

 

Your H's feelings are valid. He will survive and get through this, just like you will.

 

Since your OM is single, he has no commitments to honor, so he has the luxury of choosing to wait. If you and he have a valid emotional and romantic connection and synergy, the waiting won't be an issue at all. The future will be here soon enough.

 

Since you are in an arranged marriage and have a child, family and culture are large influences in your life. Moving forward, a balance will be struck between those expectations and your wants and needs. I hope you can find a path which is healthiest for you, considering all factors.

[fooled once]

You were married with a child. He was engaged to be married. So what were you BOTH doing on an "adult internet dating site?"

 

IMHO I don't see long-term future for you two as a couple.

 

I was wondering too...

 

Before anything, I will advise you that in this board, you'll get various responses....everything from good to bad. You'll also find plenty of people here in the board bashing you for your decision. They seem to think that people HAVE to stay married to someone they are not in love with, while being in love with someone who is a million times better. They seem to think you'll get a prize in the end of life for negating and ignoring your feelings and your heart. My advice.....ignore them. Live life!!!!

 

 

What was the point of the above???? I have never ever seen one single person on this site state that people MUST stay married if they are in a loveless, unhappy marriage. Can you please post links? Are you projecting?

 

I'm offering full custody of my child to H. I was completely at fault and fell out of love with hI'm. I feel horrible as he's a great guy age none of this was his fault. Our marriage was arranged and I met him one day before getting married. nothing was forced, its cultural. but after an year I knew we were sexually not compatible .my mistake was I chose to cheat behind his back instead of telling him that I'm not happy. there is a10 years age difference between us as well. with OM sex was incredible maybe because of nsa.. my H knows everything but still wants to work on our marriage.I feel that I've already destroyed it by cheating. its terrible. I don't blame OM for anything..I did everything knowingly and f****d up H and my child's life. I tried but cannot live without OM ..

 

Your H knows you have been having a sexual affair for the last year?

 

And FYI, you CAN live without the OM. You just don't want to. Please don't confuse the two. You lived prior to him you will live when the relationship ends.

 

I am STUNNED that you are so casually willing to 'give' your son away. That really speaks volumes to me and I must say, NO MAN is worth giving up custody of your child. Is the OM wanting you to give up custody? WOW - I am just stunned that you seem so "whatever" about doing it; as if your child is a consolation prize to give your H. Maybe it is best that he has custody.

[bestplayer]

It seems u want to start ur life with ur lover without the hassles of kid .right? So giving your husband full custody is a good idea

[bentnotbroken]

It seems u want to start ur life with ur lover without the hassles of kid .right? So giving your husband full custody is a good idea

 

 

That's the way I read it too. I have seen it more than once unfortunately. Men aren't the only ones who walk away from their children to begin a life without responsibility.

[YeahDotDotDot]

Am I dreaming?

[TurboGirl]

I feel very guilty about ruining this man's life and he says that he's never going to get married again or date...that he's finished after our marriage is over. He was not at fault in this situation so I thought the least I can do is to give him our son . H has talked about not wanting to live anymore if he can't see his son everyday. I feel aweful.

 

Hmmm sorry, but your H is trying to manipulate you... unless you WANT to give up your baby, because it is inconvenient for you with your plans for your new life with that wonderful single man. That statement your H made is TOTAL BS. Many families I know have a husband who travels - often extensively, and there is this wonderful invention called a telephone, and now there is Skype. Also, if you live in the same area you can always see eachother.

 

If you truly love your child, please do not relinquish custody. You can have joint custody.