I must decide if I want kids

[tinmancan]

My girlfriend and I have been in a happy loving relationship for 2 years and living together for about 1 year of that. We love each other to bits and see ourselves living a life together. She is 33 and I'm 37yo. She has made it clear to me from day one that she wants children, she has always wanted to be a mother. Its a big priority of her life. Before I met her I was perfectly content being childless. We talked several times about it and I typically responded with "I guess so", or "ok maybe" and been quite vague.

She is convinced that I worrying about nothing, and when she gets pregnant everything will be fine, because I'll be the happiest dad in the world. I recently proposed to her, and marriage is now on the horizon. This has triggered seriously thinking about endeavoring parenthood and I am becoming increasingly distressed about my uncertainty. Unlike my girlfriend I don't have a strong urge or instinct to have a child. We recently had several serious talks, that ended in lots of crying from the possibility of breaking up. We love each other too much for either of us to just walk away. I've repeated that I'm unsure I want kids and now desperately trying to seek deeper understanding if parenting is for me. Having asked advice from friends and family, I realize its a decision I can only make.

[KR10N]

I'm an illegitimate child. Just wanted to say that. My father never wanted kids. But I'm here & have a loving, supporting father. He's even told me I'm his best friend.

[Eddie Edirol]

Yeah no one can help you with that decision. I HATE kids, so I establish the kids thing pretty early on before any attachments are made, just so I dont run into your situation.

 

But now you have to think about if you can find someone as great as your gf, and worse, find a woman who doesnt want kids. Thats a daunting task, and leads to frustration at times, but I know I never want children, so I deal with it.

 

If you dont hate children like I do, go for it. You wont be doing it alone. But dont do it just for your gf, do it for you. if you dont want to raise a childs mind, then you really have to bail. Another thing to think about, what if you change your mind in 10 years? I think about all this shyt.

 

Do you want to be one of the old dads, who is in his mid sixties when his kid graduates high school?

 

Do you want to risk not having anyone to take care of you when you get old...assuming your wife dies before you?

 

Do you want to deal with the law as it dictates how you should discipline your child? This is my biggest concern, they say you cant spank your kids, but if you dont, your kid might run amuck, and youre left feeling powerless.

 

What if your child is born with a deformity? Do you think you can handle the stress that goes into caring for that child?

 

Would you be worried that you will regret the decision once the child is born? A baby is something you cant give back, not without child support anyway...

 

Will you want to handle more than one child? Two? Three? Remember your gf has all these dreams of a family and you dont, which is a MAJOR incompatibility if you dont want to cave on that.

 

It would be heartbreaking to call it off over this, but you would have to work on finding another gf. It would take longer, but then theres no rush for marriage since no kids will be in the mix.

 

lots of stuff for you to think about.

[tinmancan]

Thanks Eddie, much of those questions have come across my mind from time to time. She is my first love, which probably makes this bit more of a learning cure for me. The problem is I'm on the fence, and don't actually hate kids. Interacting with other peoples kids can fun and gratifying, but I never envy the parents. I'm just content with the idea growing old and childless. I personally, cannot see a reason to go through the challenges of bringing up a child in modern society. Thanks again for the questions I need to think about.

Adam

[sb129]

I think parental instinct comes more naturally to women than men- at least before children are actually born. My husband wouldn't have minded if we hadnt had kids but now we have he is an awesome dad and we are closer because of it.

 

Thing is- your GF has been open and clear about her wishes from the very start. She isn't getting any younger and it's not fair of you dither about or to leave her dangling for much

longer.

[Mauschen]

My ex never wanted to be a father, and when I accidentally became pregnant, he was a total jerk to me. In any case, he is a horrible father and I can't wait until the day I no longer have to communicate with him. I am not saying you're like him, but if you don't want children, then you shouldn't have any.