the "first love" will suddenly be back in the picture :(

[geminigirl]

I am very relieved to read these messages! I have obsessed about my bf's ex for years. They were first loves, lost their virginity together, etc. She was a foreign exchange student from Sweden and she ended up dumping him when she returned to her country. I know he was very hurt. I first dated him 3 1/2 yrs ago. This was about 1 1/2 yrs after they had broken up- I think they had dated for a year or so. He talked about her way too much and I felt like I could never measure up. After 7 months, he dumped me. He admitted a few months later that he was still in love with her. He said that it was perfect with her, they were going to get married, and nobody could ever replace her. Unfortunately, everything he mentioned about her I remembered. I know way too much about her, and I hate it! I didn't see him for 1 1/2 yrs. Then we went to a concert with a mutual friend and we ended up getting back together then. I told him that I had many concerns. I told him that I didn't like how he talked about her so much and said that nobody could replace her. I told him that he could mention her name occasionally but please don't make me feel inferior. I told him to please love me as I am and don't try to replace me for her. He agreed and he has been pretty good about it. He asked me to please not make him throw away anything involving her, and I agreed because I still have some things from ex's too. The one thing that really bothered me though is he has a huge Swedish flag tacked to his ceiling above his bed. It is still there to this day. I asked him about it and he said that he would take it down if I wanted. He is part Swedish though so I just dropped it and left it up to him. We have been dating 2 yrs this time. We've had ups and downs, but the relationship has been pretty good. I love him very much and he says that he loves me. Another suspicious thing is that he used to talk about marriage but now he says that he never wants to get married. He also said that marriage was only a reality with the dreaded ex. I am very hurt that he would probably marry the ex if he was still with her, but he doesn't want to marry me. He says that it's not me, but I know that he would marry her. I don't obsess about her that much anymore, but suddenly she will be back in the picture. She is coming back to visit her old host family this summer and she will be meeting up with my bf. We talked about it briefly, and he said that there are a lot of things he would do for that girl. However, he has realized what is truth and what is imaginary. He said that I am truth. He said that if he ever bet on her to love him, it would only lead to disappointment. He said that he knows that I love him. What do you all make of that??? On one hand, I can understand if he wants to see how she is doing. If one of my ex's came to my city, I would probably like to meet up with him and see how he was. On the other hand, I am very nervous that something will happen. I really hope they don't go to a bar or something, because then I get really nervous thinking about what could happen. I would trust him with anyone else, but this one makes me nervous!!! I want to trust.... but I can't stop thinking about it. I will be in a tizzy for the next few months. I'm afraid that when he sees her his old feelings will come back. I don't want to be compared to her. I want him to love me more than he loved her. Should I just let it go or do I press him about meeting up with her? I'm worried that if he does (worst case) cheat with her that he won't tell me and I'll never know. He also said that he doesn't want me to meet her when she comes because it would be too weird for him. I wonder if he's even told her about me? Either way, I can't stop thinking about it!!!!! I need advice! Thank you.

[Sarah_J_uk]

ok i reckon that you should insist on meeting her. That way you can see how nice she really is, get to know her perhaps then you could all be friends and their friendship wouldn't have to be secret from you. Say that you trust him but really would like to meet her. If he says he doesn't want you to go then ask why it would be weird. Why should it be? i'd take my bf to meet an ex cos they could get on and it would probably ease his mind to see that we really r just being friends.

Your story actually really irritates sort of inside like makes me feel aggravated cos at the moment my boyfriend is texting his ex all the time. Ok so we r each others first loves but it worries me. So i can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. REALLY INSIST THAT YOU MEET HER! Otherwise tho you trust him i reckon (imagining me in ur situation) you would always wonder if anything happened. Hope everything goes ok for you... pls post to say what happens i'd like to hear. Love sarah x x x

[EnigmaXOXO]

He also said that he doesn't want me to meet her when she comes because it would be too weird for him.

 

Don't worry about the flag hanging over his bed...there's a big RED one looming over your relationship!

 

I don't mean to frighten you, Geminigirl, but I'd be doing you a disservice if I were to be less than honest with you.

 

The fact that your boyfriend claims he would feel "weird" having the two of you meet means his loyalties are wavering. If *you* were the love of his life, he would be PROUD to have you meet his friend...if of course, she was merely a friend.

 

Take some advice from an old-timer. This is a clear sign that he has not put closure on his relationship with this girl. I imagine that because they had no choice but to part...and the relationship ended with lingering hopes on his part rather than ending badly, there is still a spark of curiosity smoldering under the surface. That, and the fact that he's already admitted to you how attached he was to her.

 

Better you learn this relationship lesson NOW rather than figuring it out the hard way later. I know you care for him, but please please don't play his fool.

[Girlie]

I am in agreement with everything Enigma said. Just from the little you said, it's pretty obvious to me he has not completely moved on or put closure on his relationship with her. He's still attached in some way, regardless of his feelings for you. Just because he doesn't talk about her much anymore, per your request, doesn't mean anything has changed from your first go round with him. I don't want to be harsh or hurt you, but that's just the way it sounds to me.

[CurlyIam]

So if you truly love him, you'd let him meet her. It's the best thing you can do for 2 reasons:

 

1. if you tell him not to go he can

 

A. get really mad 'cause you don't trust him

B. not go but he'll end up hating you for it, for not knowing,for not having a closure.

 

2. you get to know for sure it's you the woman in his life and are intitled to hope for a ring one day. Like that Sting's song: "if you love someone, set them free"

 

Honestely, you can't have a relationship with this phantom haunting you day and night. It's not sane to constantly worry and torment about this. And you are so lucky to have her back in the picture. He can finally stop idealizing her by meeting her and you can finally confront him about his feelings. Everyone gets a closure, hopefully only to begin something else, I don't know, maybe a relationship, 'cause I'm not sure what you have qualifies for it! either way, you can't loose! You're such a lucky person....

[NatoPMT]

Hi Geminigirl

 

You have been dating for an awful long time for him to still hanker after an ex. It seems to be that his retrospective view of his old relationship is preventing you two moving forward. Youve been pretty reasonable and very understanding, but this uncertainity is causing you to have insecurities - and i am not surprised..

 

He also said that marriage was only a reality with the dreaded ex.

 

!!!!

 

is this the way you imagined your relationship to be? would you have ever started this relationship up again knowing that he feels this way? this girl is a real threat to his feelings with you. i wouldnt want to be with someone who would marry someone else and not me. not in a million years. cut lose now, and he may one day be comparing his future girlfriend to you and she might be posting on here. Hes not dealt with something, whether its a geniune love for his ex, or a rose tinted fantasy - either way its not what you want from a relationship - someone to be there 100% for you. If you dont stop this happening and be the catalyst for the end of his fantasies & making real the fact he will lose you unless he gives you his all, you may spend a long time feeling 2nd best. and even longer waiting for that ring.

 

BB

[CurlyIam]

I don't think she should give up on him. Everyone has their own demon haunting them, some talk about it, some don't.

 

I also don't think you should give up just because he was soo inlove with this other woman. It is frustating that it was not you the subject of his atention, but then MAYBE he idealised her. So let him convice himself. Don't stop believing in your relationship and don't run away! It's OK to be scared, it's not OK to quit when things get tough. Be there for him, he must be going through a hard time and when he finally confronts her and faces the dissapontment he'll remeber who stood by him. Maybe it's the perfect advice in order to be a total looser,him having you when times are tough and her when shecamesback, but I for one think deceipt and selfishness can't hold a man near you forever (it is a decept to make him believe he shouldn't see her again, selfish too)

 

Anyway, just follow your instincts