I don't like who I've become.

[tigressA]

All the negative qualities I display--selfishness, lashing out, tendencies to bully, manipulate and be generally uncaring/cold/insensitive--have been in me for years, but have, over the last year or so, come out in pretty much full force. Previously, those qualities were used as a form of self-preservation and sometimes were actually endearing or amusing, in a certain sense. Long out of those circumstances (secondary education), I find that I haven't done well at adapting new behaviors. I have gradually become worse. I fear becoming a total monster.

 

Perhaps I shouldn't, but I put a lot of blame on my last relationship. I blame myself for even staying in it. He really taught me what it was like to be a completely selfish person, a bully, an abuser. I learned a lot from him, unfortunately. I hate that I was so susceptible to his ministrations, and I hate that I am repeating the cycle. I think subconsciously I wanted to be 'punished' for my behavior, as I had never really been before. In subjecting myself to punishment instead of at least trying to hold myself accountable and thinking before I speak/act, I ended up punishing other people for the hurt I experienced. I think perhaps even my current relationship is being treated as a 'do-over', in which I 'punish' my boyfriend for things my ex did to me, because I was never able to punish my ex--I tried, and failed. He left me damaged, but I wasn't able to damage him and I am still frustrated by that. And I'm also frustrated by the fact that I let myself be his victim. I wanted to be punished, but I also wanted to be strong enough to escape.

 

I can feel myself becoming less empathetic. If my friends or family are having issues I really struggle to comfort them/talk to them. It's difficult for me to know what to say. I used to be good at it. Now sometimes I want to tell them to get over it. And I know that's not how I'd want to be treated.

 

I'm outrageously self-centered. I struggle to remember certain things about people. I can hardly tell you any random stuff about my boyfriend, or why I really love him, like some of those threads telling you to say why you love your SO. So perhaps I don't really love him at all, and that makes me sad because if I don't, I really want to. I find it difficult to take a sincere interest in anyone else except myself. This has probably been the case for most of my life but I'm only now realizing how deep it goes.

 

It's funny because all the surface things are going well--I secured a FT job with the highest wage I've ever had and I'll actually be able to support myself; I'm pursuing a dream I've had for over 10 years; I'm making new friends...but inside I can feel my soul blackening. I can sense that I will lose the relationships I treasure (well, I don't really treasure them at all because of how I act) if I don't change my ways.

[antinko]

I think you're probably being too hard on yourself. I too feel the same way at times, but you have to understand you're not to blame for everything: other people have an effect too.

 

Also, relationships and life in general aren't things we really have much control over. In fact, I think me using the word 'blame' is the wrong word to use. I don't think people individually are much at fault, but we have different levels of compatibility with one another and often, we need to make sure we're compatible with ourselves before engaging with others.

 

So I think for you, and I know this is true for me, you've got to focus on being the 'you' you want to and can be. If there are aspects of your personality which you think will be difficult to change, then maybe they don't have to change per se, but what can you do in order to improve the positive aspects of your personality?

 

In your post you go through the negatives of you as a person. What makes you a nice person? There must be a lot of positives.

[tigressA]

In your post you go through the negatives of you as a person. What makes you a nice person? There must be a lot of positives.

 

Erm... Wow, it's rather tough for me to think of what makes me a nice or otherwise good person. I'll need to come back to this question.

[Eddie Edirol]

Tigress, maybe you need to reset. I display alot of the behaviors that your talking about.

 

• Selfish,
  
• dont remember certain things about people,
  
• I dont care to comfort people that dont want to fix their situations - im not a good listener at all.
  
• generally uncaring/cold/insensitive
  
• opportunistic - only help/contact people that I want something from.
  

I can go continue the list, but once I owned these traits and realized this is what I am, I reset, and built from there. Then eventually, I only remembered things about people I have some kind of interest in, and helped them out genuinely, became a lil less selfish at times, lil more sensitive, its a slow build once you start over.

 

These traits dont make you a bad person if youre not hurting people. You just need to be re-conditioned and gradually change. But it cant be forced, you have to feel it. You dont want to fake anything with people. No fake compliments, listening to whiners, stuff like that, and you shouldnt have to. Just own it. People around me already know NOT to ask me a question that they dont want an honest answer from, and they know not to ask me for dumb favors (car rides, white lies, frivolous things.) But they know this is me, Im not phony to them, and they know Im not out to deliberately hurt anyone.

[antinko]

Erm... Wow, it's rather tough for me to think of what makes me a nice or otherwise good person. I'll need to come back to this question.

 

Spending time on that might start opening doors to the answers you need. I don't know; I'm trying it out myself!

[Badenov]

Erm... Wow, it's rather tough for me to think of what makes me a nice or otherwise good person. I'll need to come back to this question.

 

It helps to put it in writing. Make a list of the things you don't want to be & a list of things you can do to be a better person. Keep it with you & remind yourself daily. When opportunities arise--no matter how trivial--put it into practice: Help an old lady find her car in the parking lot; Make a crying child feel better; Donate to a charity you believe in . . .

 

It's the small, everyday stuff that counts.

[Cee]

A new job can be stressful and maybe you are too tired to "feel." I don't really like those Power of Now type books, but I do like Buddhist philosophy and meditation. Pema Chodron is my hero. Maybe you need to slow down and meditate. Spend some time at peace and in quiet and you will soften up.

 

I am an introvert and when I work too hard or spend too much time with people, I become hard and cold. Usually I go back to normal after a few days by myself.

 

Beating up yourself sounds productive, but it will have the opposite effect. Be gentle on yourself and then you will be gentle and kind to others.

[daphne]

Warning: Cliche about to happen.

 

Awareness is the first step...

 

I would say that your ex didn't so much damage you as you allowed him to damage you. Take your power back. Because he can't make you do anything. You get to choose to be the person you want to be. Thank god.

 

I can relate, as my ex was a narcissistic person with very defined traits, and lying frequently and without remorse was one of those traits. I found myself looking through his lens at other guys after we broke up. Years later. Initially it scared me, because I don't want to be broken like he is. Then I realized that I was trying it on for size and it wasn't me. Enough said, I dumped that lens, and the potential for really bad behavior went with it.

 

If you really dont' like the behaviors you've picked up from him, find someone you do admire and pick theirs up.