BrighterDaze Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Hi everyone. I was fortunate to get some feedback on my dilemma a few months back. Thank you. Since then alot has happen. My live-in bf of 15 years seems to be trying to work hard at keeping me with him. Long story short....months ago, he asked for an open-relationship, and started having lunch and spending time with a co-worker. We talked, cried, and talked some more, since I found out about her. He has since said that he was sorry and wants to work on us. He seems to be really trying to understand his behavior and the dynamics of our relationship. (I wanted to get married and his doesn't.) We started counseling and now he is going to IC. Unfortunately, he still works closely with the co-worker and cannot stop because of the job duties. I am afraid that the "friendship" will start again and they will become even closer. (They have a purely professional relationship now, he says.) He doesnt believe that there will be a problem with them. He trusts himself and believes that it will take time, but I will see the change too. We have a son and that makes the situation even more complicated. I love this man dearly, but am afraid that in a year or so, I will be faced with the same situation... Is there anything else that he can do to prove his faithfulness, love,...? Do you think I should throw in the towel or have a leap of faith? What are the signs that he is sincere? I just dont want to get hurt again. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Is there anything else that he can do to prove his faithfulness, love,...? Among other things, he could find a new job and never see or speak to the OW again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 We talked about that with the counselor, Reboot. At his age, it would be really hard to find another job. It was my first option too. I suggested that he get someone else to work on the committee with her. Not sure if this will work either, but I am still trying to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
tobeornottobe Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 .....Is there anything else that he can do to prove his faithfulness, love,...? Yes, there is. He is the father of your son and you have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. You clearly love him. Test him: Tell him you feel that in the light of you three being a family unit it would be great if you could do the "official" marriage thing. See how he reacts over the next few days and take your lead from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 I am way ahead of you ToBe. I gave him an ultimatum two weeks ago. I knew that there would be resistance. So, I prepared myself for all of his responses. At first, he fought me hard on the concept. He gave excuses like...."we arent ready." "i dont know." "I need time to talk with the counselor." I pushed him. Told him that we have two things going....Love and committment. Since then, he is talking about marriage more. He said that he has a problem with simply agreeing even when something makes sense. He isnt sure why he fights me on these things, he says. So even with that, I am one foot in the relationship and one foot turned towards the door. He understands that and seems to want me MORE than being without me. The next few months will tell me if this is really the truth or not. I just feel foolish by waiting for him to do SOMETHING. I also feel foolish for wondering if he and the co-worker will get back together. It's like I am waiting.... I am tired of waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I don't have a whole lot of respect for men who have no problem letting a woman give birth to their children, clean their dirty underwear, scrub their house, cook for them and on and on and on - but don't think the woman is good enough to marry. My pride would have never allowed me to stay this long and I certainly wouldn't have had a child with him if I wasn't good enough to marry first. You've put up with this disrespect for 15 years AND had a child with him. That's pretty much taught him you'll stick by his side regardless of what YOU want. Quite honestly, he sounds like a real schmuck - and we can now add cheater to the list. He'd be SO freakin' gone by now if it were me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 WIB, I completely agree with you. 100%. I cannot defend or deny his behavior OR mine for that matter. NOW he wants to talk about marriage with me, since I am looking for another place to live. NOW he seems to appreciate me. Look at the cost. I lost alot of myself in order to meet his needs. It is sad, but I can't change the things that already happened. All I can do it learn from them. That is what I'm trying to do. My sister asked me..."What would make you happy?" At first, I couldnt answer. I always chose to make others happy, but now I know my answer.... WIB, I want to meet a good guy. The best guy for me. I want committment and love. Not part-time or on his time. I want to get married to someone who values me and a great relationship, because I finally believe that I am a worth more than this. Link to post Share on other sites
anderapadoker Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I agree as you done the right thing for what you can do Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 UPDATE: I have to admit that we never returned to couple's counseling. I just couldnt trust him enough, instead I am in IC. My therapist is great. I am learning to become more independent and value myself. Since my last posting, my bf? has tried to assure me that he was committed to this relationship. There has been alot of effort put forth on his part, but it still didnt feel quite right. Instincts or intuition, I dont know, but for the first time I am gonna take heed. So, tomorrow I will take the biggest step away from this relationship. I will sign my lease for my apartment. Our 15 year relationship will be done in a few months. (I move March 1.) I am so afraid and anxious. All of the what-ifs are flooding my mind. I hope I am doing the right thing. Please give me some words of encouragement. Some good advice. I need it more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) UPDATE: I have to admit that we never returned to couple's counseling. I just couldnt trust him enough, instead I am in IC. My therapist is great. I am learning to become more independent and value myself. Since my last posting, my bf? has tried to assure me that he was committed to this relationship. There has been alot of effort put forth on his part, but it still didnt feel quite right. Instincts or intuition, I dont know, but for the first time I am gonna take heed. So, tomorrow I will take the biggest step away from this relationship. I will sign my lease for my apartment. Our 15 year relationship will be done in a few months. (I move March 1.) I am so afraid and anxious. All of the what-ifs are flooding my mind. I hope I am doing the right thing. Please give me some words of encouragement. Some good advice. I need it more than ever. I totally understand you. It seems to me that your boyfriend did not love you the way you deserve to be loved. A lot of men are like that, they "bite the hand that feeds them". Does he know you are leaving? Make sure that from a financial point of view, your assets are safe. Of course you feel scared, it's a big step after all these years. But all power to you as you clearly have decided that the mediocre love of your boyfriend is no longer enough for you. That'll be some rude awakening for him. Wouldn't be surprised if he comes crying at your door in a couple of months. Edited January 13, 2012 by PinkInTheLimo Link to post Share on other sites
knitwit Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Congrats to you, BD. You have more stones than most people, and I think it will serve you well. At the base, you have taken control of your life. You are the driver. You are a great role model for your son. You are not accepting any BS and you are able and willing to step up for your and your boy. So- maybe your fella decides to be a better man. Who knows. You will be on your own, and in a great position to watch him, see what's what, see if its for real. You don't need his paycheck, his half-hearted interest, his cheating ways. If he grows up and improves- great! Because you don't NEED him, there is less of a chance that you'll trick yourself into accepting any BS. If he does step up, he will always know that you are able and willing to walk away. Maybe he'll stay the same or get worse and go onto other women? Who knows. You'll be on your own, taking care of your son, and won't be as affected by the Man at first. Evenutally you'll hardly be affected by him at all if keeps on this path. You'll have your own life, your own job, your own friends, your own interests and hobbies- your whole life except for one thread to your son will be separate from that man. Life expands when you have options, choices, and you are empowered (e.g. can afford to take care of yourself financially and are able to do so emotionally.) You are on the right track. I am sorry for the pain you've had to go through, but you are truly making the very best of this situation, and there really is no bad way forward for you from here. Certainly, being on your own is much better than staying with someone you can't trust and who has already shown you he will hurt/betray you. There are brighter days ahead for you, indeed, IMO. UPDATE: I have to admit that we never returned to couple's counseling. I just couldnt trust him enough, instead I am in IC. My therapist is great. I am learning to become more independent and value myself. Since my last posting, my bf? has tried to assure me that he was committed to this relationship. There has been alot of effort put forth on his part, but it still didnt feel quite right. Instincts or intuition, I dont know, but for the first time I am gonna take heed. So, tomorrow I will take the biggest step away from this relationship. I will sign my lease for my apartment. Our 15 year relationship will be done in a few months. (I move March 1.) I am so afraid and anxious. All of the what-ifs are flooding my mind. I hope I am doing the right thing. Please give me some words of encouragement. Some good advice. I need it more than ever. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 GOOD FOR YOU, BD! I was so angry for you when I read your original post. I'm glad that you've now decided to take control of your life! I think you have an amazing journey ahead of you, and you will absolutely come out of it happier & healthier. Congratulations & stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thank you, Pink, Knit, Poster, MMB so much for the words of encouragement! You made me feel even better about my decision. I will print them out as friendly reminders, since I am still pretty nervous. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrighterDaze Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Sad, thank you for the advice. I totally agree that I need a shift in the dynamics of the R. Wow. Exactly. Strangely enough, the shift in mindset, has shifted alot of my feelings for him. There is still love, but definitely not like the past. The rental fell through, unfortunately, but I am not stopping. Still looking forward to the change. Link to post Share on other sites
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