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How long should you wait for the ring?


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My boyfriend and I have been dating since May of 2001. We are both 24 years old and last August moved in together. Since then, yes, we've had our share of problems, but who hasn't. Our biggest problem is a habbit that he has and his lack of responsiblity when it comes to money.

 

I've asked him before about the future. I mean what person wants to be in a relationship that doens't go anywhere? I do want to get married and buy a house one day. I can't even talk to him about buying a house right now. He says "I'm not even thinking about that right now" And when I ask him about marriage...he says that he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married and that someday he may, but definitely not right now.

 

I'm not asking for a wedding tomorrow, but I feel like I want some kind of commitment from him towards the future. Am I wrong? I know that he's not ready, but how long should I wait "just in case" one day he may change his mind?

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HokeyReligions

There is not rule on this. Wait as long as you want to. You need to talk seriously with him and let him know your feelings and really listen to his feelings. You may decide you would rather be with him on his terms, then be without him. Or you may decide that if he is not willing to compromise with you and/or give you some indication of his intentions for the future or make a committment, that its time for you to leave and find someone whose goals and priorities are more in line with yours. But HE is the one you need to have the serious conversation with.

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W-O-W! I thought I was reading my own story here... Let me tell you abit about our situation.

 

We have our 11th year anniversary coming up, I still have no ring. We have been living together for most of our 11 years. He too at one time told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married or even have kids. As time went on, I asked him more on the marriage subject, he kept giving me the answers "one day", "why get married? it's like we're married now anyways", "it's only a stupid piece of paper", "once we get married you'll turn into a b!tch", "if we have to get a divorce, you'll take me for everything I have", and the list goes on, I've heard all the excuses - believe me!

 

My boyfriend does not know how to save his money, there is always something he has to buy, upgrade his computer. Never spends a dime on me though, always something for himself. (that's a whole different other story, but to give you an example, our 8 year anniversary had come and gone, I didn't even get so much as a card, his excuse? "it's not like it's a big anniversary or anything, it's only 8 years, only another year".) I'm the one who has to try and save just in case something comes up and we need money, he also borrows money from me for his upgrades on his PC.

 

Well I have just about had it with the whole situation, you may think I'm crazy for putting up with all this, but he was my "first true love", we've been together for so long I always hope things will get better one day. I wish I had the strength to pack up and go, he knows that I don't so he plays with my emotions like a yo-yo. But a few months ago I did tell him I've had it, I can't go on like this forever. We need to do things together, go places (even if it's just for a walk), he spends about 95% of his free time on the computer, playing games, I play games sometimes too, but not nearly as much as he does. There are other things in life to do, to experience. (he is mid 30's and I am late 20's now) I told him I want to have at least one child, I want to do things together, I want(ed) to make a future for us. He isn't giving me what I need anymore, he is too focused on surfing the internet and playing computer games. I told him that I had an interview for an apartment at the end of the week. He was really shocked, he gave me the whole "I don't want you to leave, why do you want to leave, we can work things out, I will do things with you, even if it's just a walk, we'll go places, I'll help out more around the house, why do you want to throw the past 10 years we've had together out the window". He told me everything I wanted to hear that night, making promises to me on changes that will happen. He even said he wants to have a child with me. I said I'm not getting any younger, I don't want to risk the chance of having an unhealthy baby, the longer I wait the more my chances of that increase. He said no, we'll have one soon. I said ok, does within the next 2-3 years sounds reasonable? He agreed.

 

Months later, here I am, getting back to the point where I was a few months ago. I don't ask for much, I ask for a little help around the house, a little initiative, an outting now and then - doesn't have to cost anything, we can go to the free parks near us and go on a pic-nic, a hike or even camping. As it is now, we get in from work he jumps straight on the computer, I make dinner, (he *sometimes* helps with dinner or dishes, I stress sometimes because it's rare) dishes, tend to the dog, lunches, little bit of housework -sweeping/dusting, all the while he is on the computer, then jumps right back on after we eat, sometimes leaving me finish my dinner alone - he says I eat too slow - well sorry I don't inhale my food like he does, I eat at a normal pace, enjoying my food. He's on the computer all night, I go to bed alone most nights while he joins me sometimes hours later.

 

How long you should wait, you ask? Until you can't take it anymore, they say you'll know when you've had enough. I try day in and day out to make things work and improve for us, but deep down I know I should probably leave, I sometimes wish I would have left years ago, there is regret building up and I don't want to have as many regrets when I'm older, I won't live forever so I need to start thinking of "me" and my wants, hopes, dreams and goals. You need to do the same.

 

If I had the chance to do it all over again and the situation with my parents was different, I wouldn't have moved in so fast, I would have moved out alone, enjoy life like that a while, experience things on my own. I sometimes think I missed out on alot of things these few years.

 

If I were you, I would have a serious talk with him, a good honest, heart to heart talk. As the years go on, it gets harder and harder to leave (trust me!) because you've been experiencing things together for so long. Don't wait 11 years only to find out you're going in circles with the same problems and frustrations. Work things out now, see what you want for your future and see what he wants, do they matchup, be honest with yourselves, it may hurt but be brutally honest, it only hurts more down the road, years later. Do you both see yourselves with almost the same hopes and dreams for the future? I know we'll most likely never own a home because of his poor money management skills. A dream of mine, down the drain.

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I'm happy to hear other people's opinion about this subject. It seems like something that is constantly on my mind, mostly because so many people around us are getting married.

 

I have to say though that I would love to marry my boyfriend...but I'm very independent and know that if the time comes when I have had enough that I can do everything on my own. Luckily for me I did have the opportunity to have my own apartment before him and I moved in together. After reading the replies I feel better knowing that there are other people out there that want the same things I do. I think it's just sad that in the beginning things are always so different between couples. A friend once told me that you have to keep doing the things you did to get that person to Keep that person. And I think it goes on both sides.

 

Anyway, I know I have to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend and tell him exactly how I'm feeling. But I need to accept what he says back to me.

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Pepper Schwartz (relationship author and sociologist) advises not living together longer than a year if you intend to eventually get married. By that time, living together has served its presumable purpose of giving you a chance to know each other. Longer periods of time just reduce the chance you will ever marry, and for women, reduce the chance that you will be able to have a child. As the poster mentions, time just starts slipping away, and it becomes harder to leave as you realize how many years are now in the rear view mirror. We're all getting older one day per day, but somehow, it feels different when you know that you are meeting the goals you have set for yourself, be they children, husband, career, friends, home, life work, etc.

 

Silver and jlove, you are both in your 20s. You may feel age creeping up on you, but take it from me - you still have a few good years left in you. Change now, and get on the path that looks like it is leading to where you want to be.

 

I really distrust the eleventh hour conversions, when the woman who is walking out the door for the last time, exhausted from the endless emotional treadmill of promises, disappointments and tears, hears her ex shouting, "Don't leave, I can change!" If anything really gives me the urge to be profane, it would have to be THIS. But I just say "Well, it's too late, baby. The time has come, and now it's done gone. So sorry."

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sweet-n-sexy

I've been waiting for 5 years now for a ring. We talked and want to get married but still I sit and wait for the ring and to be asked :( I guess it's a personal opinion on how long to wait. Either you sit around wondering and wishing or you finally move on...

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Thinkalot

Yep, it's a personal thing. But you are not wrong in wanting to know where he stands on the issue. I think that it entirely reasonable. You want to make sure you are on the same track and same wavelength. If it REALLY matters to you a lot, you could perhaps set a timeframe, and ask that you discuss the issue, in say 12 months (or whatever seems right to you), because you'd like some clarification on where things are heading. It doesn't mean you want instant marriage, but it does mean you want to know where you stand on things. You need to be prepared though it you do this, because he may say he does not want marriage, and you need to know how you'll act if he does say that.

 

Personally I am 30 and my guy is 31...we've been together nearly 3 years, and living together most of that time. We both know we want to get married, and have an idea of the timeframe. We've in fact talked in detail about all our hopes and dreams, and we are on the same wavelength. I think that is really important.

 

Good luck :)

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