The Shocking Truth for Thirty Percent of Divorced Women

[ScienceGal]

I read this article earlier and am curious what people think about it. Do women "settle"? Do men? Did you or do you know anyone who has settled?

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennif..._b_919868.html

 

I know one couple that look as their marriage as a business arrangement and I know couples that are insanely in love. What's your take?

[analystfromhell]

Odd as I can't imagine men are going out of their way to convince these women to marry them. Could it be girlfriends, family, society or greediness (aka financial reasons)?

[Eddie Edirol]

3 reasons that werent mentioned of why women settle into marriages that they know are doomed. Its so obvious when one frequents this board.

 

1.) They dont know how to approach the men they want, and dont want to have to start over. Being afraid of rejection keeps women in bad relationships.

 

2.) Women make the horrible mistake thinking they can mold the guy into what they want him to be.

 

3.) "All my friends are getting married and Im the last single one!" That one literally makes me bust out laughing as I type.

 

Why men do it:

1.) They arent good at finding the women they want, so they settle when they think they cant do any better.

 

2.) They succumb to the pressure of an aggressive fiance to get married by ultimatum, and once again, dont think they can do better.

 

 

Im sure im missing a few, but this is what comes into my mind off the bat that the article didnt mention.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Afishwithabike]

I read this article earlier and am curious what people think about it. Do women "settle"? Do men? Did you or do you know anyone who has settled?

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennif..._b_919868.html

 

I know one couple that look as their marriage as a business arrangement and I know couples that are insanely in love. What's your take?

 

I was really in love with my H when we got married. I had no second thoughts or doubts. It's been 11 years we've been together. I guess were/are lucky.

 

I also know people who married for purely nonromantic reasons. One woman married to give the other person permanent residency in the USA. It was a pure business transaction. The woman got an x amount of money from him and he got the green card.

 

I know plenty of people who have settled. There's a woman in my mom's circle of friends whose husband cheats on her left and right. We all know it. She knows it. However, she won't do anything about it. She's a devout Catholic who doesn't "believe" in divorce. She has grown children. She's educated and has her own job. But for religious reasons, she refuses to divorce him. When you see her at parties, she talks about all the great things she and her husband are doing, and everyone smiles and nods, but there's a big elephant in the room that no one talks about. His affairs. I truly think she's not happy in her marriage, but since she won't do anything about it, she's ultimately to blame.

 

A casual acquaintance of mine got married a few years ago to a man who was over 50 years old. She was in her 30s. He had never married. Been a bachelor all his adult life. She definitely settled. You could tell there wasn't any passion between them. At the wedding reception, when she tried to kiss him, he turned his head away. He didn't even bother to take her on a honeymoon even though he has the money to do so. He doesn't like to hold her hand in public. He's very serious whereas she is outgoing, the life of the party. None of us could understand what she saw in him. It seemed like she came to age 35 and decided that she wasn't going to find love so she settled with someone she thought was safe and reliable. He is both. I'll give him that.

[The Blue Knight]

In some sense, maybe we all settle a little bit. I mean don't we all ask that question as we become engaged in a serious relationship leading to marriage . . . is this the one? Can there be somebody better for me? Someone more compatible? Where the problem lies I think isn't so much in those types of questions, but in the answer and the decision from that point onward.

 

If your answer is yes, you shouldn't even consider marriage to that person. But as the article points out, many go forward with it anyway.

 

If your answer is no, and you honestly believe you've met the individual who is right for you, then by all means move forward and seal the deal.

 

I've been in law enforcement for a lot of years. As such, you end up doing a lot of relationship and marriage counseling, albeit brief, it becomes a large part of your day on patrol.

 

My comments from this point on are more directed at single women than married women. What I've noticed is that many people by their very nature are lonely, or they suffer from low or retarded self-esteem, and thus they will settle for far less than they may indeed deserve. They'll put up with verbal abuse, physical abuse, cheating, stealing from them, taking their cars without permission, and just outright disrespect.

 

I've seen more women than I can count who are willing to work all day, support a lazy-ass boyfriend who sits home playing video games (while supposedly looking for a job) and contributes nothing. The sex must be awesome because in most cases these guys bring nothing more to the table. The woman often pays the bills and the lazy-scum bag keeps his welfare or unemployment check for himself. Usually, he has some side action where he's banging some neighbor or ex-girlfriend during the day while his present girlfriend is at work. It's very screwed up.

 

I must have said this 500 times over the years to various females, "You knew about this guys shortfalls and yet, you're still with him, despite how he treats you." The answer is nearly always the same, "Yes, I know. You're right. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm going to end it with him." If I had a nickle for every time I got a similar answer!

 

Then three days later I'm back there sorting it out all over again because the woman (in most cases) settled and is willing to put up with his shenanigans indefinitely and the whole situation is recycled once more.

 

Now there are other factors that come into play as well. For instance (I'm not attempting to be abusive or offensive here) overweight or "average" women typically suffer from lower self-esteem and are willing to put up guys like this quite often.

 

At the same time there's another factor here that bears a few lines, often with the same result but entirely different dynamics. I used to be blown away by the number of women who were fantastic looking with gorgeous figures but willing to put up with this type of abuse from their boyfriends. This is an entirely different syndrome . . . what I call "Tame the Bad-Boy Syndrome." The idea that if you're a good looking woman, you can land and tame the bad-boy. If you're up to the challenge, go for it.

 

My experience in dealing with this is only to say, good luck ladies. It doesn't typically work out that way. If a guy is a player, he's just about always going to be a player. He may be able to put it off for a couple of years, and he may even think he can be a different person. The odds however are not on your side.

I read this article earlier and am curious what people think about it. Do women "settle"? Do men? Did you or do you know anyone who has settled?

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennif..._b_919868.html

 

I know one couple that look as their marriage as a business arrangement and I know couples that are insanely in love. What's your take?

[The Blue Knight]

I've never understood the "devout Catholic" angle. The Bible itself gives infidelity as a solid reason to leave the marriage.

 

I was really in love with my H when we got married. I had no second thoughts or doubts. It's been 11 years we've been together. I guess were/are lucky.

 

I also know people who married for purely nonromantic reasons. One woman married to give the other person permanent residency in the USA. It was a pure business transaction. The woman got an x amount of money from him and he got the green card.

 

I know plenty of people who have settled. There's a woman in my mom's circle of friends whose husband cheats on her left and right. We all know it. She knows it. However, she won't do anything about it. She's a devout Catholic who doesn't "believe" in divorce. She has grown children. She's educated and has her own job. But for religious reasons, she refuses to divorce him. When you see her at parties, she talks about all the great things she and her husband are doing, and everyone smiles and nods, but there's a big elephant in the room that no one talks about. His affairs. I truly think she's not happy in her marriage, but since she won't do anything about it, she's ultimately to blame.

 

A casual acquaintance of mine got married a few years ago to a man who was over 50 years old. She was in her 30s. He had never married. Been a bachelor all his adult life. She definitely settled. You could tell there wasn't any passion between them. At the wedding reception, when she tried to kiss him, he turned his head away. He didn't even bother to take her on a honeymoon even though he has the money to do so. He doesn't like to hold her hand in public. He's very serious whereas she is outgoing, the life of the party. None of us could understand what she saw in him. It seemed like she came to age 35 and decided that she wasn't going to find love so she settled with someone she thought was safe and reliable. He is both. I'll give him that.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There's a woman in my mom's circle of friends whose husband cheats on her left and right. We all know it. She knows it. However, she won't do anything about it. She's a devout Catholic who doesn't "believe" in divorce. She has grown children. She's educated and has her own job. But for religious reasons, she refuses to divorce him.

 

Do not underestimate the "It's a cheater but it's my cheater" logic. Perfect example: Hillary Clinton. It's not about religion, it's about wanting to be the woman who will stand next to his coffin when he is buried. It's about the status.

[PinkInTheLimo]

My comments from this point on are more directed at single women than married women. What I've noticed is that many people by their very nature are lonely, or they suffer from low or retarded self-esteem, and thus they will settle for far less than they may indeed deserve. They'll put up with verbal abuse, physical abuse, cheating, stealing from them, taking their cars without permission, and just outright disrespect.

 

I've seen more women than I can count who are willing to work all day, support a lazy-ass boyfriend who sits home playing video games (while supposedly looking for a job) and contributes nothing. The sex must be awesome because in most cases these guys bring nothing more to the table. The woman often pays the bills and the lazy-scum bag keeps his welfare or unemployment check for himself. Usually, he has some side action where he's banging some neighbor or ex-girlfriend during the day while his present girlfriend is at work. It's very screwed up.

 

I must have said this 500 times over the years to various females, "You knew about this guys shortfalls and yet, you're still with him, despite how he treats you." The answer is nearly always the same, "Yes, I know. You're right. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm going to end it with him." If I had a nickle for every time I got a similar answer!

 

Then three days later I'm back there sorting it out all over again because the woman (in most cases) settled and is willing to put up with his shenanigans indefinitely and the whole situation is recycled once more.

 

Now there are other factors that come into play as well. For instance (I'm not attempting to be abusive or offensive here) overweight or "average" women typically suffer from lower self-esteem and are willing to put up guys like this quite often.

 

At the same time there's another factor here that bears a few lines, often with the same result but entirely different dynamics. I used to be blown away by the number of women who were fantastic looking with gorgeous figures but willing to put up with this type of abuse from their boyfriends. This is an entirely different syndrome . . . what I call "Tame the Bad-Boy Syndrome." The idea that if you're a good looking woman, you can land and tame the bad-boy. If you're up to the challenge, go for it.

 

My experience in dealing with this is only to say, good luck ladies. It doesn't typically work out that way. If a guy is a player, he's just about always going to be a player. He may be able to put it off for a couple of years, and he may even think he can be a different person. The odds however are not on your side.

 

If only the good guys were so numerous that we did not even have to throw a second look at the losers...

And if only society was not so harsh for single women...

 

I have been in relationships and I have truly loved men but I can't say I have the feeling that I have ever been truly loved and appreciated by a man. And that's also the reason why I did not stay with them.

I won't settle. Ever. But why does that mean that people discriminate me and label me as "difficult"? And why do I get so many messages - especially from other women in not very happy relationships - that I am too demanding?

Thanks got my selfconfidence is big enough not to let that get to me too much but I can imagine that this is too much for some women who then grab the first more or less decent guy and get together with him.

[The Blue Knight]

Hillary is the model of what a lot of people think of when they consider someone who settled. I just read this morning that Bill Clinton admitted to a friend once that he bagged about 100 women when he was the Governor of Arkansas.

 

True or not, we all know that he had an eye for the ladies and I believe that I speak for myself and my fellow men when I say that the thought of sex with Hillary is at best a frightening calamity in my mind! She'd be barking orders at you during sex about what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, and referring to you as an idiot if you didn't get it just right.

 

Bill had other ideas when he sealed the deal with her, and she certainly saw political expediency or some angle herself. I'm convinced they're together today for no other reason than political and social benefit.

 

Do not underestimate the "It's a cheater but it's my cheater" logic. Perfect example: Hillary Clinton. It's not about religion, it's about wanting to be the woman who will stand next to his coffin when he is buried. It's about the status.

[The Blue Knight]

Pink,

 

It's the classic case of your screwed either way. You hit the nail on the head. You can't win by holding out and you can't win by settling. And I'll be perfectly straightforward and tell you that as a man, I can see where women have very little in the way of a decent choice these days.

 

One of the common complaints I hear from women is that their husbands don't do anything except play video games, watch TV, and whatever else pleases them. This isn't just twenty-something men either. I know of two marriages that have been in trouble for those reasons and both of the men are slightly over 40. He's lazy, doesn't do little things for her, can't even mow the lawn most of the time.

 

The fact is, and I'm ashamed to admit this about men, but it's true. Most available men are looking to land a woman in bed. And the ones that eventually get married do so because they are "settling", or so that they can have regular sex (they're in for a shock!), to add kids to their lives, or to finally "settle down."

 

Ladies, if you find a man who (outside of sex) is just pleased to be with you, who thinks about you often, wants to hold your hand, wants to embrace you, look into your eyes, and does genuinely kind things for you just because, it's probably a sign he's really into you and he's sincere. Those men are out there but they are scarce.

 

The best men I've ever known are men from the Bible-Centered churches I've attended over the years. They put a premium on their relationships and their marriages far more than secular men in most cases. It doesn't mean that they are flawless, but they are far more dedicated and loyal than most other men. Take that for what it's worth.

 

If only the good guys were so numerous that we did not even have to throw a second look at the losers...

And if only society was not so harsh for single women...

 

I have been in relationships and I have truly loved men but I can't say I have the feeling that I have ever been truly loved and appreciated by a man. And that's also the reason why I did not stay with them.

I won't settle. Ever. But why does that mean that people discriminate me and label me as "difficult"? And why do I get so many messages - especially from other women in not very happy relationships - that I am too demanding?

Thanks got my selfconfidence is big enough not to let that get to me too much but I can imagine that this is too much for some women who then grab the first more or less decent guy and get together with him.

Edited August 9, 2011 by The Blue Knight

[PinkInTheLimo]

I believe that I speak for myself and my fellow men when I say that the thought of sex with Hillary is at best a frightening calamity in my mind! She'd be barking orders at you during sex about what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, and referring to you as an idiot if you didn't get it just right.

 

I think you make a lot of assumptions here based on Hillary's public image. I can only speak for myself but as a woman I have no problem to imagine Hillary having a softer, frivolous side and Bill and Hillary having had an interesting sex life at times.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Ladies, if you find a man who (outside of sex) is just pleased to be with you, who thinks about you often, wants to hold your hand, wants to embrace you, look into your eyes, and does genuinely kind things for you just because, it's probably a sign he's really into you and he's sincere. Those men are out there but they are scarce.

 

As if we did not know that yet!

What bugs the hell out of me is that people say you are demanding when what you want is actually a guy like you describe here. Not someone perfect but someone who loves and respects you and wants to behave like an adult in a relationship (so no situations with the woman doing all the housework and the man just sitting lazy with a beer in front of the TV - he can do that but only when the housework is done and I can sit next to him also having a beer ).

I get so angry when people call me demanding just because I ask for the basics of respect and love.

The fact is also that I have a really comfortable life as a single woman because I am financially independent. So I am not inclined to trade that life for a miserable life with a man. It's got to be better than the life I have now!

[Woggle]

This is why men tend to be such commitment phobes. You find a woman you want to marry who you think is in it for the long haul then a few years she all of a sudden says it's a mistake and sometimes after the kids so you can never really get her out of your life. Can you imagine being a man in that situation?

[shadowofman]

I don't find it hard to believe that many/most people settle. I know that I will not likely find a women that would complete me. And as a promiscuously inclined male, I will always envy the men with "hot wives". It really takes all my willpower to avoid thoughts of getting into relationships with "good" girls.

[Woggle]

Being the hottest woman in the world means nothing if she is a complete nightmare to live with.

[shadowofman]

True enough and that's my point. Just one more reason why I feel like I'll never find a good match. If I did find another "hot wife" they might not be up to my desires in other areas.

 

And btw, I didn't mean hot as in her beauty. A "hot wife" is a non-monogamous female.

[Woggle]

There are plenty of ugly women who cheat as well.

[shadowofman]

If a woman left me and I loved her, I wouldn't want her out of my life. I'm not the NC type. I prefer to keep all contacts unless they threaten my safety.

[The Blue Knight]

Well then allow me to share a story I just heard last month. A secret service agent assigned to Hillary who is now reassigned in the Midwest was having dinner with a cop friend of mine. The stories he shared about her were unreal. Some I can't detail here but this agent said she used the word F**K or G** D*** just about every time she opened her mouth. I would never identify this guy because he's still on the job but it goes hand-in-hand with some secret service agents I met in 2002 at our local international airport shortly after 9-11 and there was a large number of police officers stationed there since TSA was still coming online. They said the "Clinton Detail" was the worse. Bill himself wasn't so bad but "Hillary was a first class B***h" who treated them with utter contempt. I have more details but it would take too long to post it all and it's not germane to this forum anyway. Take from these stories what you will. My take on Hillary is that she has little time for such useless and unproductive activities such as sex. I suspect that's one of the reasons that Bill was such a side-action carouser, although that doesn't in anyway excuse his poor judgement.

 

I think you make a lot of assumptions here based on Hillary's public image. I can only speak for myself but as a woman I have no problem to imagine Hillary having a softer, frivolous side and Bill and Hillary having had an interesting sex life at times.

Edited August 10, 2011 by The Blue Knight

[zsu234]

Consider the source