My current life...miserable

[Nsomnia]

Ok, first I want to say this will be quite the read. that being said I thank you for reading and the help, as I am in a mental and emotional crisis and could really use some wisdom.

 

First.. Im broke so therapy is last option, otherwise I would be there.. I know I could use it, however its not a fees-able option as of now.

 

My break up:

3 year relationship with a woman whom I was in love with since high school 15 years ago..we were in a long distance relationship (2.5 hours) spent 2-3 weeks out of the month with each other.. id go there for a week she would come to me... always had a great time together.

We are both 30

 

however communication was very poor on her part.. she was in school for masters degree and was always stressed.. she also had emotional problems and was on panic meds, depression meds, and birth control... so her emotions were always closed off to me, and when they came out it was in the form of breakdowns... 25% of the relationship she seemed actually happy.... we traveled together and always did things togehter.. wine tasting, dancing, zoo, museum, art shows, events, concerts....sports..golf tennis.... we did everything together.

 

we had plans to move together when she finished school and found a job. get married and start a life together. the problem was the communication... period... she only talked to me at like 1030 at night and for about 10 or so minutes.. texting was few and far between she had a non smartphone and it was always dying anyway, and refusd to get a new phone.. nor skype.. nor anything... when we did talk it was small talk.. never had anything to say about her day, never what she was feeling... never talked or had discussions about things..talks to chalenge each other. this lead to me ending the relationship twice.. after the last break up we had 6 months of back to the same thing.

 

She had left to a conference in new orleans in which i could not go due to no time off.. she was down there for a week.... we never talked more in the entire 3 years. when she got back everything changed... she cancelled coming to see me.. saying she was busy... I was upset and let her know about it... to which she then just shut down and ignored me..

i went to see her and when i got to her house.. lived with her parents... she was on the phone... as soon as i came into the house I felt like i wasnt welcomed there. I knew something was up in my stomach.. sh got off the phone and started to lie about it... i knew she was lying and asked if it was a guy... she looked right at me and lied. I was furious to be lied to and left... we didnt text fought after that cause she refused to talk to me.. refused to end the relationship and refused to talk about fixing things.. this guy lives in new orleans... after 2 weeks of desperately trying to salvage the relationship.. i broke up with her for the last time..

she then just didnt care... blamed me for everything... saying it was my fault for pushing her away and that im a negative thinker and I just assumed she was cheating and that it wasnt just a friend.. and i need help.

2 weeks later she is in a relationship with him... and is moving down there and living with him and working there... when i confronted her about it.. she states that she moved on and is happy.. that I have no rights anymore..

 

I knew she cheated on me when she went down there... she made me doubt myself like maybe i did push her away by being negative and not trusting.. when the whole time i was right about what was going on.... she was stringing me along and setting things up there before cutting me loose.. I was just devastated by this.. confused about the truth and my esteem and confidence was shot... as i looked him up and he is more fit.. makes more money.. and is 5 years younger than us. I facebook blocked her as i was sick of her putting how much she loves him and how wonderful and awesome he is on a daily basis... and it happened so fast but it was meant to be and they are soul mates.

 

this all happened 3 months ago....

 

since then i have both made great and poor decisions....

I am now broke due to paying off all my debt and creditors, booze and constant partying... I have had 4 one night stands, I do still perform peak on the job and have been working overtime nearly every weak.... but i was just barely holding onto my sanity..... then I sunk to level I never thought I would.

 

The Affair: 29yof, married 5 years, with him 11.. 5yr boy together. unhappily married, neglected, confused, and regrets getting married but did it for the baby...

 

I met her through work, she was absolutely beautiful, we clicked instantly and when our eyes met... i knew where it was going to lead. I Facebook befriended her and we started talking.... then texting and phone... all day everyday... after 2 weeks into it we met up and kissed... then started to hang out for for midday beers at her place daily. she would talkabout how she is neglected and is considering leaving and how he just is a pity party and yells at her so on so on... after a big fight one night she came over... we slept together. (month into this) after that.. we became so close. as much as i promised myself i wouldnt... I fell for her... she fell for me.. and we started writing love letters and making out heavily everytime we saw each other.. we have only slept together twice...

 

Today: we mutually ended things.. I said if she loved me and wanted to be with me we would be together.. she said she owes it to her family to give things one last shot at home.. thus giving the marriage 1 last month to see if things will change and to really reflect on if the marriage is worth saving. I told her that I agree and if she does want to try to salvage i would respect that.. i said I am out of the picture and if she becomes available to call me.. she cant really focus on what she wants while im there. she told me that it hurts because deep down we are meant to be and are perfect for each other... but she has to try to fulfill commitments and come clean about what has happened...

 

I really am not that heartbroken.... however I am now starting to think about my life and how it just had gotten so out of control.... and now here I am at work.. back to square one.. low credit, emotionally kicked again, lonely, confused and left... I dont trust anything anymore.. not even my own judgement.. I instantly find myself hunting for another woman.

I have not been single for over 6 years... before ex gf I was married for 2 years.. to a blonde bombshell whom lied, cheated, took me for everything.. wiped out the bank account which caused all the credit problems for me in the first place... remarried 2 weeks after divorce was final...

 

I go after unavailable women... always I either poach them from another guy, or just find the insecure needy ones..

 

I do not trust anyone... not one female... I even questioning things my mother tells me... like she is out to screw me over... Im terrified of tomorrow... I live in a small town which I hate.. and there is nothing here.

 

I try to do good things.. I have been reading and trying to adapt Buddhism and meditation... I did a gym membership and plan on committing to it...used my savings to pay off all debts and creditors... all i have is school and maybe a month left on my car. I am just so messed up now... and i allowed to happen, knowing full well what would happen... but did it anyways..

 

financially and physically im in good shape... mentally and emotionally in just destroyed... Im not over my last 2 relationships... 3 years of marriage and 3 months into recent break up... all the while im upset and hurt I lost one of the best women to ever enter my life. even if she left him.. it wouldnt work.. i would constantly question being second best now.. or if she did it to him.. shell do it to me for certain.. and just like that Im instantly trying to hook up another woman.. to which I already have a date with... and she has a boyfriend... WTF IS WRONG ME! what am i supposed to do just become a hermit for the next year? I allow myself to be used by all these women.... used and just discarded... i believe the crap and boost their ego and fulfill them emotionally... then just get discarded when they are good to go...

 

I just honestly feel like a piece of crap and want to die at this point.

anyways... I dont know if this is for advice or venting or comments or what.. maybe a bit of all 3.. i just need to get it out as im tired of holding this crap in.

[ilikesunita]

Plan and problem-solve. Life has difficulties, yes, but IMO this means overcoming them and not succumbing to them.