I Cheated. I'm sorry, how do I fix this mess I made?

[fathead]

Real long story real short.

 

My wife and I, of 5 years, were going through some trying times. I decided to tdo the wonderful thing, of having an affair so I could feel loved again. WOW WHAT A GREAT IDEA.

 

That was sarcasim.

 

Just when you think your rrelationship is on the rocks, toss in an affair. Man this was the biggest mistake I have ever made. And it is NO way for you to in any way FIX any problem. Period.

 

The affair lasted a few months, and actually ended at the moment her and I had intercourse. (One fact of the affair my wife does not believe) The second I went into her, it was not the same feeling I had with my wife. I was subbing her for my wife, and at that time, I realized what I had done. And was a basket case from that point on.

 

I broke it off, and did everything I could to make my now suspecting wife think SHE was out of her mind. The other woman was a cowarker/friend, and was married too. I have a 2 year old with my wife, and the other has a kid too.

 

Anyway, after months of lying, the truth came out at the end of december. I just wanted it to go away. I was sorry and wanted it gone. The look on her face when I told her, was a look I never wanted to see. I hurt her soooo bad. It killed me.

 

Not only that, I have no idea what I was thinking, I tore up MY family, and both of our extended families, estranged friends. She asked me what I was thinking, I told her I simply wasn't. I never thought of the ramifications of my actions.

 

We have been seperated since the end of december. I am living with my brother, and my wife and son are in our house. I am doing everything to show her I am not the same person I was, selfish ass that I was. I am still paying for everything, helping her with whatever she wants, and am getting counceling to see what went wrong with me. Being away from her this long is killing me.

 

I do not blame her. I blame me. I am tourchered by this everyday. Its all I think about, and I am dying to work this out.

 

What do I do? How do I convey to her how sorry I am. I see some of you here are pretty rough on the "cheaters" and thats fine, I can take it. You are not going to say anything about me that I don't already think. She thinks I am still lying, about it only being one time, about me not loving the other woman, and planning to leave my wife for her. Which were never my intentions/feelings. How do you fix a marriage that is this messed up? It is the right thing to do, and I know that if she gave me a chance, I would make her the happiest woman in the world. She would all but forget about it, with all the love I plan on showing her. I have learned my lession.

 

Please Help! (if you can)

[iceprincess]

Sometimes a wound can never be healed. Life is about lessons. You learned yours...and she learned hers. Even if she took you back, I don't think she'll ever see you in the same light again. You say you want to fix this marriage...maybe you should write her a letter about how you feel if she doesn't want to talk with you. She is hurting and may not even want to consider having you in her life again because not only did you betray her, but you also betrayed your children.

 

How would you feel...if she had cheated on you? When she married you, she vowed that she would go through good and bad times with you...you let her down when things got hard.

 

You may never have her forgiveness...but what you can do is SHOW that you at least still care for your children. They are probably very confused about the whole situation and want to know why daddy isn't living with them at the moment.

 

Good luck....

[devastated]

Several weeks ago I found out that my husband of 9 years had a on going affair and that he had intercourse with her 8 times. She is now pregnant and says that "it is possible that my husband is the father". What a shock! It has been weeks since I found out about the affair and I still can not get it out of my head. I was always the type of person that said "if my husband ever cheated on me he would be gone" but when it actually happened I could not leave him.

 

He seems quite remorseful for what he did and apologizes endlessly but that does not really help the way that I feel. I feel broken, I feel inadaquet as a mother,wife even as a woman. And it is hard to say what will happen in the future. I feel that I can forgive but I will never forget the pain that he has caused me.

 

Have your wife come to this board and see if she can get a feeling of what others are going through there is also another one called survivinginfidelity.com where there is alot of people who are trying to make their marriage work after an affair.

 

My husband saw that I was coming to this board and he actually posted an apology and admitted his wrong doing it is the last post under the Restraining order? thread under my screen name devastated. I thought that it was a nice gesture on his part to do that.

 

If you and your wife are meant to be together and you both try to get past this you will. It will take a lot of time and energy but it will be worth it.

 

Good luck

[Debster]

However, I think that you seem to be sincere about knowing what you did was wrong, feel bad for hurting your wife and want to do something about it.

 

I recommend counselling. First off counselling for you to find out why you had the affair. I'm suspecting it had something to do with self-esteem. Then when you can adequately express to your wife why you did it the two of you can go to couples counselling.

 

I think that if I was the cheated on partner, I would want to know that they went through counselling first to find out why they did what they did and to find out what they could do in the future.

 

Good luck.

[fathead]

Originally posted by iceprincess

Sometimes a wound can never be healed. Life is about lessons. You learned yours...and she learned hers. Even if she took you back, I don't think she'll ever see you in the same light again. You say you want to fix this marriage...maybe you should write her a letter about how you feel if she doesn't want to talk with you. She is hurting and may not even want to consider having you in her life again because not only did you betray her, but you also betrayed your children.

 

How would you feel...if she had cheated on you? When she married you, she vowed that she would go through good and bad times with you...you let her down when things got hard.

 

You may never have her forgiveness...but what you can do is SHOW that you at least still care for your children. They are probably very confused about the whole situation and want to know why daddy isn't living with them at the moment.

 

Good luck....

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

My son is 2 and has no real idea what is going on, and is adjusting well. I can't stand what I did to him.

 

I have told her, written it, put it to music, e-mailed it, everything. We are in contact 4-5 times a day. We talk constantly. About this, and other things. She is very angry still, and bitter. I want to help take that away. The way I look at it, is the only person who can take this pain away from her, is me. By showing her how wrong I was, and how much I love her. Am I wrong here?

[fathead]

Originally posted by Debster

However, I think that you seem to be sincere about knowing what you did was wrong, feel bad for hurting your wife and want to do something about it.

 

I recommend counselling. First off counselling for you to find out why you had the affair. I'm suspecting it had something to do with self-esteem. Then when you can adequately express to your wife why you did it the two of you can go to couples counselling.

 

I think that if I was the cheated on partner, I would want to know that they went through counselling first to find out why they did what they did and to find out what they could do in the future.

 

Good luck.

 

Again thanks for the reply. And I am glad you can sence through an e-mail my true remorse for my wrongs. It is the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about in the morning. There isn't a day in the 4 months we have been seperated that I don't cry. (Example, I was on hold with HP about my Pocket PC repair about an hour ago, the hold music made me think of her and cry)

 

I am in counceling. And working through my issues. She went once to see him, on her own, to give her perspective. The Dr. asked her to come. She will not do couples counceling at this time.

 

She thinks I am only sorry because she caught on, and believes I am lying still about the things above. She is one of those "wall builders". And this one is huge. I can't seem to chip it.

 

I don't know how to move on, nor do I want to. I can't see how people say, oh well, time to move on, if they think they were in love. I had a breif period in my life where I was not thining, and I am sorry, but I believe I am in love with her.

 

No clue what I should do?

[fathead]

Originally posted by devastated

Several weeks ago I found out that my husband of 9 years had a on going affair and that he had intercourse with her 8 times. She is now pregnant and says that "it is possible that my husband is the father". What a shock! It has been weeks since I found out about the affair and I still can not get it out of my head. I was always the type of person that said "if my husband ever cheated on me he would be gone" but when it actually happened I could not leave him.

 

He seems quite remorseful for what he did and apologizes endlessly but that does not really help the way that I feel. I feel broken, I feel inadaquet as a mother,wife even as a woman. And it is hard to say what will happen in the future. I feel that I can forgive but I will never forget the pain that he has caused me.

 

Have your wife come to this board and see if she can get a feeling of what others are going through there is also another one called survivinginfidelity.com where there is alot of people who are trying to make their marriage work after an affair.

 

My husband saw that I was coming to this board and he actually posted an apology and admitted his wrong doing it is the last post under the Restraining order? thread under my screen name devastated. I thought that it was a nice gesture on his part to do that.

 

If you and your wife are meant to be together and you both try to get past this you will. It will take a lot of time and energy but it will be worth it.

 

Good luck

 

Wow.

 

I am so sorry for where you are right now, I wish something could help. It breaks my heart to see my wife going through this, and I somehow feel like you are "dancing with the devil" here in trying to help me.

 

I am going to check out that other forum, thanks for the link. I would think of her comming on here, but a lot of the other posts are harsh as hell.

 

"Leave the loser"

"If he cheated he never loved you"

 

Crap like that. I can debate those. People make mistakes. I am not turning this on her, it is my mistake and mine only. Not blaming the other woman, not blaming wife, I blame me. And I will fix me. And hopfully she will let me fix the family that I hurt, that never hurt me.

 

I wish that people thinking about an affair had a number to call. I would take that call any time of day to share what I am feeling. It honestly must feel like a murder who is sorry. You would do ANYTHING to go back and not take that second to pull that trigger. But you can't. Its a sucky feeling. And hating yourself everyday is not easy. I hope these forums help someone.

 

But right now, lets help me.

 

Any other suggestions?

[Debster]

She is dealing with the fact that (among others):

1 - her husband cheated on her, broke the vow, lied, broke trust, etc.

2 - it is with a friend (a double blow)

3 - everybody knows about it (humiliating)

4 - why did he do it?

5 - would he do it again?

6 - was I not good enough?

7 - how long was it going on / when/why did it end?

8 - what should she do?

9 - could she forgive you? Would she want to?

10 - was this the first time?

11 - etc. etc. etc.

 

Being the cheater you deal with issues of your own doing. She was innocent and unprepared for what happened. Try to recognize that and give her space.

 

If you really love her, keep telling her how you are sorry, that you are working on things, that it will never happen again and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to earn back her trust and respect.

 

She might buy it and she might not.

[fathead]

And again, thanks Debster.

 

I know, but it is killing me. But the thing is, she throws that in my face. I am worried about it killing me.

 

WELL, its KILLING ME that I hurt HER, and I just want to take the pain away.

 

All of those items you listed are things she brought up.

 

God I wish there was a huge eraser, I really do.

 

I miss my family, and, naturally, want to fix this as quickly as possable. Perhaps that is my biggest problem. This can not be fixed quickly. I don't know.

 

I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[reservoirdog1]

I, too, probably have a rep for being hard on cheaters, being a BH myself. By way of background, I found out last August that TBXW had cheated numerous times during the 7-year marriage, including a PA that started within weeks of the wedding. I knew about none of this until August.

 

All that being said, however, and taking you at your word as to what happened: you made one horribly stupid, selfish, unthinking mistake. I don't think you're disputing that.

 

But, people make horribly stupid, selfish, unthinking mistakes all the time. People get caught up the emotion of the moment, and things happen. That's not an excuse, and it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

 

The person who does such a thing reveals their true character by how they react AFTER they do it. Do they disclose everything fully to the people they've impacted? Do they address the reasons behind why they did it, and try to fix things? Do they try to make amends? Do they commit themselves to never making the same mistake? Do they show genuine remorse?

 

Or, do they simply conclude that they are somehow entitled to do what they did? That it doesn't matter who gets hurt or how much? That they are somehow governed by a different set of rules? That they can keep doing the stupid, hurtful, selfish thing?

 

In my case, TBXW fit into the latter category. She had several affairs. I can only conclude that she felt guilty the first time she cheated. And yet she did it again, and again, and again. That says a lot about her character, in my view.

 

In your case, you may not have come clean right away. But you at least had the strength of character to acknowledge to yourself that what you did was a huge mistake. You learned from it. And the truth finally came out. From my perspective, something like that would be much easier to forgive than a pattern of serial infidelity and lies.

 

That's not to say that your W will forgive you, and she definitely won't forget. But it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Keep doing everything you're doing. Make your life an open book. At every opportunity, remind her of how much you love her. Accept full and unconditional responsibility for what you did. Do everything you can to make her see that you're not defined by that one-time mistake.

 

You don't seem like a bad guy to me. You seem like a normal guy who made one huge mistake and is genuinely sorry about it. Ultimately it will of course be up to your wife as to what she can live with and what she can't, but I think you probably deserve to be forgiven. While she can't be faulted if she decides to end the marriage (trust is hard to rebuild), I honestly hope that she doesn't. I hope she gives you a second chance.

 

Good luck...

[fathead]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

 

The person who does such a thing reveals their true character by how they react AFTER they do it.

 

Do they disclose everything fully to the people they've impacted?

Do they address the reasons behind why they did it, and try to fix things?

Do they try to make amends?

Do they commit themselves to never making the same mistake?

Do they show genuine remorse?

 

 

Well, since you are all being so nice to me in your replies. I want to be honest about a few points reservoirdog1 (Love that friggen movie BTW) brought up.

 

Do they disclose everything fully to the people they've impacted? At first no. I was a PRICK BIG TIME. I was scared, and treated her like she was an IDIOT for thinking I would cheat on her. I was mean, and cocky. I told her it was because I wanted to look like I was not at fault. She told me it was because I had no remorse. After it came out, I told everyone, and appologized to EVERYONE including the OW's husband. I called him and told him. She didn't. My wife requested that of me. And I told her I would do anything to make this up to her.

 

Do they address the reasons behind why they did it, and try to fix things? I am still trying to figure out the reasons. At times my wife confused reasons with excuses. Her not having sex with me very much after the birth of our child is one of the reasons. I think we went months. Hey I'm 27, I need it, you know? But that is in NO way an EXCUSE or JUSTIFICATION for having an affair, which I know is wrong, more now then every. But it was a reason. So that is tough to talk about sometimes, but I try.

 

Do they try to make amends? I am killing myself looking for that perfect thing to do for her on a daily basis.

 

Do they commit themselves to never making the same mistake? This affair has rocked everyone from my wife and child to the family dog. I have hurt not only them, but my family and her family, friends, co -workers, everyone you can think of was effected by this. I would die rathern then cause this much crap for this many people again. So Yes I will NEVER do this again. And I know this.

 

Do they show genuine remorse? I think I am. But I don't think she can see it through the red veil of anger she is still feeling. Not sure she wants to see it right now. But if I walked away, it would only prove to piss her off I am sure also.

 

Am I on the right track? Who knows.

[devastated]

One thing that has been hard for me to explain to my husband is that the pain that he is feeling for being the one to screw up, is much different from the pain that I feel for being the one that was betrayed. Deep inside I know that the affair is not my fault but it does not prevent me from placing blame on myself such as if I would have done this and not have done that etc... I am sure that your wife has those same feelings.

 

The thought of the affair haunts me 24 hours a day, thank god for Zanax and Ambien otherwise I would probably have had to be admitted to a psych ward some where. In my case I have confronted the OW in a way it helped in a way it did'nt. She had seen me but I had not seen her I wanted to know whether I was standing next to her at the store or not.

 

The stories of events were the same from my husband and the OW which helped in a way. She hates me and still wants my husband so she has said some pretty disgusting things to me just to get a rise which she got.

 

If you feel that this OW can tell her the truth about the affair give your wife the number and have her call if she has not already done so. Confronting the OW is important to moving on, I think anyway.

[devastated]

"Her not having sex with me very much after the birth of our child is one of the reasons"

 

Definitely do not recommend that you tell your wife that one!!

[fathead]

Originally posted by devastated

One thing that has been hard for me to explain to my husband is that the pain that he is feeling for being the one to screw up, is much different from the pain that I feel for being the one that was betrayed. Deep inside I know that the affair is not my fault but it does not prevent me from placing blame on myself such as if I would have done this and not have done that etc... I am sure that your wife has those same feelings.

 

The thought of the affair haunts me 24 hours a day, thank god for Zanax and Ambien otherwise I would probably have had to be admitted to a psych ward some where. In my case I have confronted the OW in a way it helped in a way it did'nt. She had seen me but I had not seen her I wanted to know whether I was standing next to her at the store or not.

 

The stories of events were the same from my husband and the OW which helped in a way. She hates me and still wants my husband so she has said some pretty disgusting things to me just to get a rise which she got.

 

If you feel that this OW can tell her the truth about the affair give your wife the number and have her call if she has not already done so. Confronting the OW is important to moving on, I think anyway.

 

Well, the OW being a friend, she also knows my wife.

 

The only time they have spoken since the affair came out, is the two times my wife called her to tell her she is a slut.

 

The funny part is, my wife has spoken to the OW husband a few times. The stories seemed to match, which, I think, verifies that I was telling the truth. My saving grace, or I thought, was that I told her husband, so there was no getting our "story together" so to speak.

 

The haunting thing, yeah, she tells me she has graphic nightmares of us "doing the act". I hate that, because it is not what happened. We actually started doing it, and we stopped. She noticed the look on my face. ANd believe be, it was the "OH SHAIT What did I do?" look. We did it for a few seconds, and Neither of us came to climax. Althought in all honestly, I got her off oraly before we did it, and once before. I didn't even have an orgasim with this woman. I think she finds that hard to believe.

[devastated]

The oral thing would have killed me!! She gave my husband oral but he did not do it back thank god. Does your wife know about that? If so I see why she would be having a hard time. The fact that "you put it in but then took it out" does not really matter the fact that you got to that point does. Which it seems to me that you already know that so you don't need me to tell you the ramifications of your actions.

 

But speaking as the woman "scorned" I understand what she is going through. I constantly see my husband and the slut together in my head. I had to know every detail how they did it did he "cum" did he do oral, did she do oral, where and when. Was she better or worse than me yada yada yada.

 

As bad as the details hurt I needed to know. The fact that you "did not finish" is probably disheartening to your wife because why then? Why did it go that far and nothing "came" out of it! no punt intended.

 

If your wife needs to talk to someone that knows what she is going through she can come to this board and I will talk to her. I am 29 with 2 children 6 and 8 so I know what it is like to have a family involved.

[fathead]

Originally posted by devastated

The oral thing would have killed me!! She gave my husband oral but he did not do it back thank god. Does your wife know about that? If so I see why she would be having a hard time. The fact that "you put it in but then took it out" does not really matter the fact that you got to that point does. Which it seems to me that you already know that so you don't need me to tell you the ramifications of your actions.

 

But speaking as the woman "scorned" I understand what she is going through. I constantly see my husband and the slut together in my head. I had to know every detail how they did it did he "cum" did he do oral, did she do oral, where and when. Was she better or worse than me yada yada yada.

 

As bad as the details hurt I needed to know. The fact that you "did not finish" is probably disheartening to your wife because why then? Why did it go that far and nothing "came" out of it! no punt intended.

 

If your wife needs to talk to someone that knows what she is going through she can come to this board and I will talk to her. I am 29 with 2 children 6 and 8 so I know what it is like to have a family involved.

 

Yes she knows about it. She wanted to know everything. So I walked her through every detail I can remember. The thing that sucks, is that whatever I don't remember is a "lie". I don't know, I think it makes a difference that I couldn't "go through with it" so to speak. Every stupid thing in the prior months, and "seeing" this OW, and the potential pain I caused my family, crashed into me at that moment of intercourse. I wish that it would have come about 5 mins earlier. It came when I realized that I could "no longer turn back" so to speak.

 

Invite her here? I have no idea. I am terified she is going to get the support everyone else in these forums here is giving. LEAVE THE BUM. Cus I really am sorry, and am dying for someone to support her toward fixing this family.

 

She doesn't think she can forgive me, and never thinks she will not hate me.

 

But I am sure she is not the first to think that way. And not the first to be wrong about it.

 

Am I a coward or what?

[FolderWife]

 

That's all I have to say...except...*~sigh~* I think the best thing for her is to stay away from you How can she ever forgive and forget? I know you are hurting and missing her, but so what...this is your doing.

 

Now she's doing what she has to do.

 

I know you still love her, but you may need to just back off and give her some space. Give her a chance to miss you a little bit. See if she comes around. If she doesn't, then you may well have just destroyed in chance with her...so let her go.

[fathead]

Originally posted by Monday

 

That's all I have to say...except...*~sigh~* I think the best thing for her is to stay away from you How can she ever forgive and forget? I know you are hurting and missing her, but so what...this is your doing.

 

Now she's doing what she has to do.

 

I know you still love her, but you may need to just back off and give her some space. Give her a chance to miss you a little bit. See if she comes around. If she doesn't, then you may well have just destroyed in chance with her...so let her go.

 

THATS WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR!!!

 

But seriously, thanks for the reply. How do you give up the one person you love? I don't know. How do you let a wrong go uncorrected to the one person you love? Do you know? People can make mistakes, and if they are sorry, should we at least TRY to forgive? I literly will do ANYTHING to resotre her trust. And I mean ANYTHING. I will wear a friggen gps locator so she will know where I am, in order to rebuild trust.

 

People can change.

 

Sometimes when this hurts so bad, I kinda wish I can take myself back to the frame of mind I was in when I did this, it would make it easier. I was able to blame her for my unhappiness. But I have learned, I am was unhappy because of things I did. And unfortunatle, due to the fact that I see things clearer now then ever before, I can't go back to that place, no matter how much it will benifit me.

 

My selfishness seems to be subsiding.

[devastated]

You know the fact that I am trying to stay and make my marriage work is definitely not easy. I actually I told my husband that it would have been easier if he would have left me for her. At least there would have been a ending. I have to wait until the OW has her baby before I can even find out if it is my husbands. Talk about a nightmare I am living one!

 

Oh, and not to mention that I had to go to the doctor and explain that my husband had an affair and that I needed to be checked for STD's. If I can go through all of that and still find the courage to stay I am sure that your wife could to.

 

The fact that you still speak 4-5 times a day is encouraging. Ask her out for a date take her to her favorite restaurant or to a movie. Take it slow and let her heal at her own pace. I know that it is frustrating and I know that you would like to move back in to your home with your wife and child but you just have to do what you can to make things up to her.

[fathead]

Originally posted by devastated

You know the fact that I am trying to stay and make my marriage work is definitely not easy. I actually I told my husband that it would have been easier if he would have left me for her. At least there would have been a ending. I have to wait until the OW has her baby before I can even find out if it is my husbands. Talk about a nightmare I am living one!

 

Oh, and not to mention that I had to go to the doctor and explain that my husband had an affair and that I needed to be checked for STD's. If I can go through all of that and still find the courage to stay I am sure that your wife could to.

 

The fact that you still speak 4-5 times a day is encouraging. Ask her out for a date take her to her favorite restaurant or to a movie. Take it slow and let her heal at her own pace. I know that it is frustrating and I know that you would like to move back in to your home with your wife and child but you just have to do what you can to make things up to her.

 

What is your name, are you my wife?

 

Well I missed the other woman being pregnant thing. My OW is also preg. There is NO WAY its mine. My wife found out about the baby before I did. When I confronted the OW about it, she said that it was "intentional" from her and her husband. The baby was conceived before the affair came out, and after it ended. Like 3 months after. So due to the fact that I had a rubber, we did "it" for not even a few minutes, and I didn't finish, I am not worried, but I know it weighs on her.

 

She had an STD test and asked me to do so also. She is clean, and mine have not come in yet, I only had it done last week. God what a mess.

 

What made YOU decide to try? I know not every situation is the same, and Mine may be worse then yours, or not, they still effect the victims the same. I keep thinking there is SOMETHING I can do to convince her I am worth another shot.

 

She is in the "there was nothing good about the marriage" and "you were never a good husband" thing. I have read 4 books about this and how to fix it, that appears to happed to most. Convince yourself there was nothing good in the first place, it makes it easy to walk.

 

What can I do?

[devastated]

You need to talk about the problems that you were having prior to the affair. What you said about the fact that in the beginning you placed blame on her and made her feel like she did something wrong my husband did that same thing to me! Last summer our marriage was falling apart he said things like "we should never have gotten married", he tried to say that I spent too much money and I spoiled our kids too much. It was all a bunch of crap he felt like S*** and tried to blame me for his issues

 

That was hard. The reason that I am here today is because my husband is the love of my life and I could not imagine my life with out him. We have been together for 12 years and have two very handsome boys. He is aware that if he ever pulled anything like this again he would be gone from my life forever. I would consider my self a very strong and independent woman but I have definitely been tested.

 

People tell me all the time "why are you still with him?", "I would have dumped his ass" and so forth but the truth is what other people say about me staying in MY marriage is their opinion. But sometimes it makes me feel weak and humiliated when I hear that.

 

Your wife may feel that if she takes you back she is somehow excusing what you did and that is understandable. I feel that way sometimes too.

[fathead]

Originally posted by devastated

You need to talk about the problems that you were having prior to the affair. What you said about the fact that in the beginning you placed blame on her and made her feel like she did something wrong my husband did that same thing to me! Last summer our marriage was falling apart he said things like "we should never have gotten married", he tried to say that I spent too much money and I spoiled our kids too much. It was all a bunch of crap he felt like S*** and tried to blame me for his issues

 

Well, after it came out I never blamed her. While I was hiding it, I tried to play the OW off as the "friend" still, and make her thing she was the fool for thinking I was messing around. Fear makes you do stupid things, and I just wanted what I did to go away.

 

Originally posted by devastated That was hard. The reason that I am here today is because my husband is the love of my life and I could not imagine my life with out him. We have been together for 12 years and have two very handsome boys. He is aware that if he ever pulled anything like this again he would be gone from my life forever. I would consider my self a very strong and independent woman but I have definitely been tested.

 

People tell me all the time "why are you still with him?", "I would have dumped his ass" and so forth but the truth is what other people say about me staying in MY marriage is their opinion. But sometimes it makes me feel weak and humiliated when I hear that.

 

Your wife may feel that if she takes you back she is somehow excusing what you did and that is understandable. I feel that way sometimes too.

 

Ahh, friends. I think that is the support she is getting from her friends and family. But the problem is, they go home when they are done with the "great" advise. And you are stuck trying to keep food on the table and rais 2 boys. Same with my wife. Its easy to give that advise when its not you. If anyone truely knew how sorry I am it might make a difference.

 

I don't know, I am thinking of sending her the link to this. Who knows, I think your experience could help. I have been trying to find a source that people had made it work, and you could tap them for help.

 

If we work this out, I would put put myself out there help others.

[devastated]

Personal email if she wants to talk is

[Girlie]

I, like some others, have a habit of being very hard on cheaters. However, I'm also willing to take you at your word here, and give you advice based on that. My first thought is to say that your wife needs to run like hell, but the simple fact is that the two of you have a child together and, even if you aren't able to reconcile, it would be best to get past this so that you can have a civil relationship. However, she is likely devastated because she's been betrayed by someone she loves. If she's ever going to forgive you in any way, it's going to take TIME. You don't have to move on if you don't want to. Quite frankly, it would be a horrible idea for you to start dating right now. But you are going to have to be patient. It may never work out the way you want it to. But you can continue to let your wife know that you do love her and that you want her.

[fathead]

I sent you an e-mail. Thanks for the kindness!