I Cheated. I'm sorry, how do I fix this mess I made?

[fathead]

Originally posted by Girlie

I, like some others, have a habit of being very hard on cheaters. However, I'm also willing to take you at your word here, and give you advice based on that. My first thought is to say that your wife needs to run like hell, but the simple fact is that the two of you have a child together and, even if you aren't able to reconcile, it would be best to get past this so that you can have a civil relationship. However, she is likely devastated because she's been betrayed by someone she loves. If she's ever going to forgive you in any way, it's going to take TIME. You don't have to move on if you don't want to. Quite frankly, it would be a horrible idea for you to start dating right now. But you are going to have to be patient. It may never work out the way you want it to. But you can continue to let your wife know that you do love her and that you want her.

 

Dating, thats the LAST thing on my mind right now. Althought I fear she will. I fear the most that she will come to the same realization I came to, and come back AFTER she does the same thing. Then we will have MORE layers to get through, and I really do (and I will sound like a HUGE a$$ here) fear being hurt like she is not. I hate the pain I brought her, and NEVER want to hurt like that. Two wrongs do not make a right.

[Girlie]

Well, in her condition, it would be a horrible idea for her to start dating, too. Unfortunately, you can't control that. But I do wish you luck and hope that you are able to find some sort of resolution for this situation. I hope that your wife realizes that therapy would be a good idea for her, too, to work through her pain.

[devastated]

I know that two wrongs don't make a right however.... I tell you I was very tempted to have a affair just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

 

But that is not something that I will do (stoop to his level). I am starting nursing school in a few weeks and lets just say I think that he is a little nervous.

[devastated]

By the way I sent you a PM. I don't think that it showed my email address correctly.

[fathead]

Originally posted by Girlie

Well, in her condition, it would be a horrible idea for her to start dating, too. Unfortunately, you can't control that. But I do wish you luck and hope that you are able to find some sort of resolution for this situation. I hope that your wife realizes that therapy would be a good idea for her, too, to work through her pain.

 

 

Thanks for the good wishes. It would kill me if/when she does that, depending on how this ends up. She really isn't talking to a "pro" so to speak, and I wish she would. I think she is getting a lot of the "do what feels good NOW" stuff from firneds/family, and that may not be whats best for the future.

 

I wasn't the best husband in the past, and in her defence, she never asked me to be, she just wanted me to be a decent person, and I let her down there too. I just am so into changing, it would be a shame to not try this out, our son is 2 in June.If we can work this out, we could give him a great, stable family life. The life he and she deserves.

[devastated]

By the way, thank you for what you said in my thread.

[CaterpillarGirl]

You asked if you could be forgiven. Yes, you could be. However, forgiveness does not mean "everything goes back to the way it was." It means she acknowledges her pain, your pain, your desire for forgiveness, and lets them go. And moves on. Where she goes after is up to HER. Her forgiving you should not be contingent upon her returning to your marriage. She might be able to forgive you and return, she might forgive you and leave, she might not forgive you at all.

 

Your empathy for her pain is commendable, but telling her you understand how much you hurt her, you'd give anything not to have done so is just rubbing salt in her wounds. Try this: she asks you questions, you answer. You don't blab on and on about how you've come to this great realization about your life/marriage. Because she is not in the same place right now. Be patient and let her work through it at her own pace. People are telling her what to do and believe me, you trying to scream above her friends/family/coworkers is not going to work. Don't pressure her at all.

[fathead]

CaterpillarGirl. thanks for the reply.

 

I would be lying if I said I havnt heard that before. I hate that one. hahahaha

 

The truth always hurts I guess. I don't or cant face some of those sinerios right now. I have faith. And right now refuse to give up. I am believing in happy endings right now. I know how I feel, and if she did, there is no way she would't take me back.

 

Unfortunatly, I have no idea how to do that.

[Debster]

Admit it - you are.

 

You're thinking how can I get my family back - how can I stop feeling guilt, etc..

You know what - start thinking about HER.

 

I think she is getting a lot of the "do what feels good NOW" stuff from firneds/family, and that may not be whats best for the future.

 

Hmmm... WHO's future are you concerned with - hers or yours?

Let her deal with it WHATEVER way she wants. If she chooses to talk to friends instead of a counsellor, so be it. Realize that her friends are giving her advice that you might not like but that, due to your recent behaviour, you might deserve. Let her heal the way she is most comfortable.

 

Then we will have MORE layers to get through, and I really do (and I will sound like a HUGE a$$ here) fear being hurt like she is not. I hate the pain I brought her, and NEVER want to hurt like that. Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Please.. get off your moral soapbox of two wrongs don't make a right.

You are separated. She is free to do whatever she pleases and you don't have a right to say anything, now or ever. If she starts dating to try and feel desirable and needed. Suck it up. I know that sounds hard - but that's the facts. To quote my mom, you made your own bed.

 

If you truly love your wife you will want what is best for her. That is for her to heal, regain her self-esteem (which probably took a nosedive), regain her pride (ditto since everybody knows about it), etc. etc. Realize too - that maybe she will find that what is best for her is to be without you. If that is the case, except it gracefully.

 

The last thing she should have to worry about is YOUR feelings.

[fathead]

Originally posted by Debster

Admit it - you are.

 

You're thinking how can I get my family back - how can I stop feeling guilt, etc..

You know what - start thinking about HER.

 

Hmmm... WHO's future are you concerned with - hers or yours?

Let her deal with it WHATEVER way she wants. If she chooses to talk to friends instead of a counsellor, so be it. Realize that her friends are giving her advice that you might not like but that, due to your recent behaviour, you might deserve. Let her heal the way she is most comfortable.

 

Please.. get off your moral soapbox of two wrongs don't make a right.

You are separated. She is free to do whatever she pleases and you don't have a right to say anything, now or ever. If she starts dating to try and feel desirable and needed. Suck it up. I know that sounds hard - but that's the facts. To quote my mom, you made your own bed.

 

If you truly love your wife you will want what is best for her. That is for her to heal, regain her self-esteem (which probably took a nosedive), regain her pride (ditto since everybody knows about it), etc. etc. Realize too - that maybe she will find that what is best for her is to be without you. If that is the case, except it gracefully.

 

The last thing she should have to worry about is YOUR feelings.

 

Thanks again for the reply!

 

At times, I am thinking of her future, how hard it will be on her. How I should have been the husband she always wanted me to be. How I should have loved he right. SHould have expressed it right. NOT BEEN SUCH AN A$$. At times I think about our future collectivly, me, her, and our son. I want him to have the best. Not just the best she can do, but he could have a better life with the TWO of us. I think about the pain I caused her, and, like you said, the damage to her self-esteem, or pride, and other things, that can be repaired by ME only. I was the one to rob her of that, if she can notice that I made an erroe, perhaps it can restore those things. Divorce does not take those things away. It only makes someone ignore them. It makes you turn your back to them. In 6 months, if we are divorced and she is dating, in her mine, I chose the OW over her, I wanted the OW more then her. Its still there. It will still hurt her. Unless I can fix it myself. Make her see it was a MISTAKE, and there is no better to me, then her.

 

Does that not make sence?

[Debster]

when you type:

 

I think about the pain I caused her, and, like you said, the damage to her self-esteem, or pride, and other things, that can be repaired by ME only. I was the one to rob her of that, if she can notice that I made an erroe, perhaps it can restore those things.

 

SHE is the only one who can repair her self esteem, pride etc. Not you.

This is something she needs to do herself and the way she feels comfortable.

Right now, any contact with you is going to do the opposite as it will remind her of the cheating and betrayal.

 

In 6 months, if we are divorced and she is dating, in her mine, I chose the OW over her, I wanted the OW more then her. Its still there. It will still hurt her. Unless I can fix it myself. Make her see it was a MISTAKE, and there is no better to me, then her.

 

NO. She would only think that if you ended up with the OW. You've told her how you feel. Many times. Right now though her problem is dealing with the fact that someone who says he loves her could hurt her so badly. Realize that she might not be able to get passed this. Right now, I think all you are doing in insisting and trying to prove your love is pushing her away. Let her decide for herself what she thinks/feels/believes.

 

Stop acting selfishly. Let her heal. WHATEVER way she is comfortable.

[fathead]

I know. I guess. It is just so hard, and I am so scared of losing her by making another mistake.

[reservoirdog1]

You've gotten some good advice here. You may be hurting, whether because of the unhappiness that led you to cheat, or from guilt. But let me assure you, your wife is hurting more. You've been living with your own pain for awhile, and yours built up gradually. Hers was thrust upon her, suddenly, without warning.

 

One of the things TBXW and I have fought about in the last several months was the fact that, after we separated, I talked to a number of my friends about what she did. Part of my reason was anger and resentment towards her. Part of it was that I didn't want to slink into a corner like a scared puppy and lick my wounds. I was in pain, and she'd caused it. I didn't want the world to see me like that, so I got angry. And in my anger, I told friends about her affairs.

 

This pissed her off, and she made that clear on many occasions. Then, about two months ago, I told her why I'd talked to people. The largest part of the "why" was that she had forfeited any right she had to expect me to keep quiet about it, by being unwilling to work on the marriage or talk to me about the affairs, to help me understand. During the 2 months of attempted reconciliation, she'd gotten progressively more irritated when I'd brought them up, and concluded that I'd never get over it (in all the vast amount of time she'd so generously given me).

 

After I told her all that, she apologized. She said she now understood why I'd talked to people. She said she wished she'd been more attentive to my feelings of devastation, rather than focusing on her own desire to forget it all.

 

The reason I'm bringing this up is that, your W has a lot to work through. You're going to be travelling a bumpy road. She's going to yell at you. She's going to ask you uncomfortable questions about the affair. She's going to ask you, many times, "how could you do that?" If you want to save your marriage, you have to develop a thick skin. Every time she yells at you, or asks you an uncomforable question, you must stand there and take it. You must answer the questions, even if you feel like you've already answered them. She has to work through her anger, her devastation, her sense of betrayal, and the feeling that she's living in a world that's falling apart. And if you value your marriage, you have to help her do that, by being there, by being, appropriately, the target of her anger and sadness.

 

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[fathead]

Thanks again for thr reply man.

 

I get my a$$ kicked daily. Yelles at, told I am a low life, that she is sorry my son has such a prick for a father. I have head it all. Hell today, I heard that if she wants to go out tonight and f 5 guys at the same time, she will. And maybe she will, she said. Maybe it would make her feel better, she said.

 

Yeah, this is great. I was somewhere I should have never been, and now I am out, and seeing not olny what I did wrong then, but what I did wrong before the A, which I never was smart enough to look at, and now she is in the f-ed up place I was.

 

Life sucks. I am not suicidal, but sometimes I really wish I wouldn't wake up. This think skin is hard to maintain. And sometimes, I feel she is a little too hard on me. I am a good father, and I love my son, the comment that she wishes I wasn't his father hurts me real bad. I think that is a little low.

 

But I take it, i usually just stand there and cry, and ask her to tell me she doesn't mean it, which never comes. I do not lash back.

 

Yippie.

[reservoirdog1]

Don't know why I didn't mention this before (and maybe you've already tried it), but you should immediately check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. There's a lot of useful stuff there, a large discussion board, and an entire program for saving your marriage, particularly after an affair, whether you're the (sorry) cheater or the cheated. Some people swear by the site and its philosophy. There's a lot to read there but you'll definitely get some ideas. It talks about things that you should do, as the one who strayed, to win her back, and approaches you should take.

 

I notice you've discovered survivinginfidelity.com... I post there myself, with the same username I have here. That site is useful for people in your position because, generally, if you're remorseful, they tend to be receptive and helpful.

 

There are also books. I haven't read them myself (unfortunately, in my case it was too late), but the one recommended most often is Surviving the Affair. There's also one called After the Affair. Get them and read them, and be sure to let her know that you're reading them. The more ways you can demonstrate your commitment to fixing the marriage, the more likely she is to come around.

 

She's saying a lot of objectively mean things to you. She may be trying to hurt you. Threatening a "revenge affair" is pretty standard; I did that myself (threatening, not actually doing). Namecalling is similarly common; I called TBXW a slut on at least one occasion. But I can guarantee you that, more than anything, she just wants the pain to stop. Sadness is a rotten emotion because it saps your strength and your will to live. If you can channel it into anger, it's easier to deal with: anger can be a powerful motivator, especially if it's expressed or directed in a positive form.

 

I wish you the best with your efforts, dude.

[brownhair]

Dear FH,

 

my H did far worse than you. He went to prostitutes and had "great" sex with a married friend of mine. His reasons were more or less the same as yours - not much sex after I had a miscarriage at 5 months.

He didn't even use a condom with the friend. He was only thinking about himself and his "fun" at that time, telling himself "I didn't want sex anymore" and that he wouldn't "bother me with his needs". The guilt came afterwards, to put it harshly, after he "came". He thought it would be ok as long as I didn't know - boy did that ever backfire on him when I did find out.

I'd say you showed WAY MORE consideration for your wife, even though that may sound strange in this context.

 

So why am I still together with my H ?

What has he done to make it up to me ?

The same things you have done, I guess.

- telling me what I wanted to know

- being there for me whenever I needed him

- reassuring me that he loves ME and wants to spend his life with ME

- reassuring me that it was a stupid mistake

- showing me that he loves me in ways that I need him to (not in ways HE thinks I need him to!)

- talking A LOT

- letting me vent my anger (I don't do this a lot generally)

- spending time with me

- showing me I'm special to him

 

What did I do (and am still doing) ?

- realizing he's only human and therefore can make stupid mistakes

- realizing I still love him and want to share my life with him

- realizing he really means it when he says he will NEVER EVER do this again

- working on our mutual emotional needs (and yes, the Marriage Builders site is really good)

- realizing we have always been good friends and have had really good times together and it would be a shame to throw all that away because of this stupid mistake.

 

Maybe it's way too early for your wife to think about the good things in your relationship.

And maybe there are other issues in your marriage that you need to work on? I definitively had a problem with my H's doing everything alone (hobbies, going out) and shutting me out emotionally (before and during the A). So we are now taking time to do things together instead of separately. And though it is hard for him, he talks with me about what he feels and needs. I think our marriage would have come apart if he had refused to do those things.

 

I hope you can work it out and get on with your life. If you have learned from this mistake you will probably be a more loving and faithful husband to your wife (or any other woman).

Good luck to you.

[Cutie314]

I know almost too well how you feel right now.

 

It's amazing how you never think about all the people you will hurt in this situation. I am working things out as we speak and I have to say it is going really well

 

 

My biggest peice of advice is LISTEN. They need you to know exactly how much you have hurt them. In fact I am sure she will let you know a number of times. It will hurt, and be uncomfortable, and you will want to quit, but you won't. You will take it because you think you deserve it (and to a point we do deserve it), but don't take it too long. You need to forgive yourself too, and none of this is going to happen over night.

 

Just listen to her...

[ianniegirl]

I HAVE ONLY RECENTLY FOUND THIS BOARD AND WISH I COULD HAVE FOUND IT 2 YRS. AGO WHEN MY HUSBAND HAD HIS AFFAIR. UNLIKE YOU HE WAS NOT AND HAS NOT BEEN HONEST ABOUT IT. THIS WOULD HAVE HELPED SO MUCH.

I WAS MADE TO THINK I WAS CRAZY ALSO. I HAD TO BE TREATED FOR DEPRESSION. MY H SAID IT WAS ONLY AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR BUT HE LIED AND CONTINUED FOR SO LONG I COULD NOT BELIEVE HIM. ONE THING THAT BOTHERS WOMEN IS THAT MOST GUYS WILL NOT TELL UNTIL THEY ARE CAUGHT. YOU SAY YOU ARE SORRY BUT THERE IS AN OLD SAYING,"THEY ARE NOT SORRY FOR WHAT THEY DID, ONLY THAT THEY GOT CAUGHT. WE WOMEN THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT. AT LEAST YOU HAVE TOLD HER THE TRUTH AND ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER.

YOUR WIFE FEELS A LOT OF THINGS THAT YOU DO NOT GET TO FEEL. THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS POST ARE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. IT WILL TAKE YOUR WIFE TIME TO LEARN TO TRUST YOU AGAIN. I THINK THIS IS THE HARDEST PART FOR HER. IF SHE COULD NOT DO THIS TO YOU, THEN SHE WONDERS HOW ANYONE COULD DO THIS. AS I SEE IT YOU ARE REALLY TRYING AND I AM PROUD OF YOU FOR THIS.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN THIS LIFE AND WE LEARN FROM THEM. IT HAS BEEN 2 YRS AND MY H HAS NEVER BEEN HONEST WITH ME. I AM STILL WITH HIM BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME. KEEP ON DOING WHAT YOU ARE AND HOPEFULLY SHE WILL SEE THE MAN SHE MARRIED AND REGAIN HER TRUST AGAIN. JUST DO NOT EVER LET HER FEEL FOR ONE MOMENT THAT YOU ARE NOT SINCERE BECAUSE IT WOULD TAKE HER BACK TO DAY ONE OF FINDING OUT. GOOD LUCK.