Single Sid Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Had a great day today, on top of that pedastal, it was an incredibly high one. it was quite enlightening. Anyway onto the topic of the thread? aint putting a downer on my day but do question this having browsed the forum and know its pretty common thoughout this forum. The dumpers, through the rough, they claim (same in my case) that they hurting just as much as you are even after leaving you for someone else. What hurt is it are they experiencing? or is it guilt they are experiencing? From the dumpee's side who showed plenty of love/affection throughout and know what happened is in no way their own doing. So what is this hurt they speak of? i understand it hurts them too but struggle to see in what way? The hurt of what the outside world is thinking of them? one of embaressment for themselves? anyone care to explain? Link to post Share on other sites
Bubby Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 single sid I agree. I'd like to understand myself. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 The dumpers, through the rough, they claim (same in my case) that they hurting just as much as you are even after leaving you for someone else. What hurt is it are they experiencing? or is it guilt they are experiencing? From the dumpee's side who showed plenty of love/affection throughout and know what happened is in no way their own doing. So what is this hurt they speak of? i understand it hurts them too but struggle to see in what way? The hurt of what the outside world is thinking of them? one of embaressment for themselves? anyone care to explain? i've never dumped anyone but i honestly think it's the guilt that they experience. i would think that most if not all dumpers have been dumped before. so they know how it feels to be rejected - - just as they have done to us. no one wants to be the bearer of bad news or the bad guy/girl. yet here they are putting themselves in the position to do just that. knowing that you're going to hurt someone when you do end a relationship is not an easy thing to do. i'm not trying to villify the dumper. there are cases where people have had to end a relationship because they weren't getting their needs met, didn't feel as though their partner was being attentive, or things just weren't working out. no one should stay in a relationship they're not happy with. but unfortunately there is going to be a great deal of pain in involved in making that decision and it's usually experienced by the person who gets dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
Renard99 Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 (edited) I also think that it's guilt. My ex has displayed many of the classic signs of guilt in what she did and said immediately after the break up. My ex left me saying that, after just short of 8 years together, she no longer loved me and saw me more as a close friend. Now, it figures that if you were to hurt a close friend, and you saw the the pain that it had caused them you would feel guilt for doing that. I honestly think that's the 'hurt' they talk of. Also, another thing that was brought to my attention, was that, initially she started to make 'I miss' you noises but reading between the lines it became clear that it was the relationship she missed, not neccesarily me. She mourned the loss of her feelings, not the loss of me, and that also accounted for the 'hurt' she spoke of. I think that, assuming the break up was a one sided thing where one party knows their decision will cause massive heartache for the other party, all those dumpers will feel 'hurt' but in a different way to the dumpee Edited August 12, 2011 by Renard99 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
FinOuch Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I think it depends on the situation. If they've wronged someone or are throwing away a good thing for stupid reasons...then yes, it's probably just guilt. But when I ended my marriage the pain I felt was not guilt at all. I honestly believe the failure of that relationship was maybe 10% me (being generous), and 90% him just being a jack*ss. I honestly do feel like I gave it everything I could, and had to walk away because his self-destructive ways were not going to change and were going to destroy me as well. The pain I felt was more along the lines of suffering from having to let go something I wanted so badly to work, but was powerless to do anything about. (relationships, unfortunately, take two) Having to give up hope on another human being and walk away to save yourself SUCKS Link to post Share on other sites
antinko Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I know my ex felt guilty and I know she felt hurt, but I have no idea what that hurt constituted. /shrug Given up trying to analyse her. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I'll share: I left my wife three and a half years ago. I had married her right after getting back from the war, and it was a bad decision. We were both unstable people who thought we could help stabilize each other. That didn't work out, at all. When I left, after two years misery and codependence, I felt horrible. I felt like I had failed her, failed love, and all the rest. I left because I realized the relationship had become toxic to both of us, and that we didn't even like each other very much anymore. The plot sickened, but I won't divulge that - needless to say, she didn't want it to end, and I was definitely the dumper - but it took me 6 months to snap myself out of it. I met someone else after a while, went back to school, and life went on. Now I know I did the right thing for both of us. Then the person I met left me for someone else. So it goes. Misery's the river of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 i think its the sefl esteem thing. in my case my ex would like to think of himself as a really good person, as he is to his friends. But he hurt me and wronged me way too much, he even wanted me to do the dirty works but i found out and confronted him. so he said he got hurt, really just he was ashamed of his actions. several days after that he went out and partied and had a great time with some girls. and he said that he looked forward to the summer to spend with some more girls. the end. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 oh by the way whenever he did something wrong and hurt my feelings, the first thing came out of his mouth is always, me hurt his feelings instead by telling him how he hurt me. that made him feel better because then the focus of the talk changed to me, and he could yell at me as much as he wanted, and not have to say sorry. so i guess in this case its the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Wesker Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I also think that it's guilt. My ex has displayed many of the classic signs of guilt in what she did and said immediately after the break up. My ex left me saying that, after just short of 8 years together, she no longer loved me and saw me more as a close friend. Now, it figures that if you were to hurt a close friend, and you saw the the pain that it had caused them you would feel guilt for doing that. I honestly think that's the 'hurt' they talk of. Also, another thing that was brought to my attention, was that, initially she started to make 'I miss' you noises but reading between the lines it became clear that it was the relationship she missed, not neccesarily me. She mourned the loss of her feelings, not the loss of me, and that also accounted for the 'hurt' she spoke of. I think that, assuming the break up was a one sided thing where one party knows their decision will cause massive heartache for the other party, all those dumpers will feel 'hurt' but in a different way to the dumpee Funny, my ex of almost 8 years didn't feel anything when she dumped me cold blue. I suppose a year of stringing me along, and quitting on our relationship helped that. Apparently the guilt(if any) didn't last too long either because she was with someone else after about a week. Come to think about it, I don't think she's been single for more than a month ever, and she was the dumper in all her previous relationships. Whatever "hurt" dumpers like that feel won't hit her for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Diatribes Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I think it depends on the situation. If they've wronged someone or are throwing away a good thing for stupid reasons...then yes, it's probably just guilt. But when I ended my marriage the pain I felt was not guilt at all. I honestly believe the failure of that relationship was maybe 10% me (being generous), and 90% him just being a jack*ss. I honestly do feel like I gave it everything I could, and had to walk away because his self-destructive ways were not going to change and were going to destroy me as well. The pain I felt was more along the lines of suffering from having to let go something I wanted so badly to work, but was powerless to do anything about. (relationships, unfortunately, take two) Having to give up hope on another human being and walk away to save yourself SUCKS I agree with this completely. I dumped my ex-wife because she was ruining my life with her constant mental abuse. It was very hard leaving her. I also kept in contact with her, and also got back together with her twice after leaving. While I knew I had valid reasons for leaving her, I regretted how it worked out, thus got back together with her when she said she had changed. Unfortunately she hadn't, and I was quick to end it both times. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 My ex dumped and insulted me by text, after dating a year. Then completely cut me off, didn't even ask if I was ok. Where was his guilt or remorse? I hope someone screws him over. The player deserves it. Link to post Share on other sites
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