J0N Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am not just talking about the stock market... I had a REALLY vivid dream of my ex last night. In the dream, She was totally over me and acting like a total b***** to me, she also looked really hot too... This is so random, I haven't seen or heard from her since last October. My sister came to visit me this weekend and after a few drinks my ex came up. My sister like my parents said that my ex was 'nice' but she seemed controlling and unhappy with life. My mom, dad, & sister all ASSURED me that I could do better, I am unsure though. I was so happy with life while dating my ex. My sister had a really really serious breakup a few years ago and it took her several years to get over it, she has just recently met a great guy so I am really happy for her. I find myself worrying almost constantly that I am 'unloveable' and that I will never fall in love with another girl again (I am only in my mid 20's). This breakup has been such a distraction to me, I feel like I am not moving on. I feel so jaded by this breakup, I am not sure if I can ever trust another girl again. I really want to meet somebody nice and have her prove me totally wrong... I think I am just lonely, I probably miss having a relationship more than my ex. I am also still struggling with accepting the fact that I was dumped over text messages and in almost a year since the breakup she has not once reached out to me. I could not possibly have been that bad of a boyfriend to her, I really went out of my way for this girl and she just walked away in a really soulless fashion. I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I will never get over her Link to post Share on other sites
nyc_guy2003 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 The way I get over these things is to realize that she's probably b@nged 3-4 other guys by now. That usually sobers me right up. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You will. I will. We all will. It will take time, effort, and pain - but it will happen whether we want it to or not. Eventually, she'll be a distant memory - maybe you find some sweetness in the bitter... maybe not. Good luck. Don't chase precious metals on the market. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I've had more than my share of break ups throughout my life, and I can tell you from experience, that you will get over this. When I think back to all the men I've dated, I often wonder what I ever saw in any of them. You'll get to that place too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Yea, I know. It just seems to be taking foooooooooooooooooorever, I wish I could speed it along somehow. This is also the first time in my life that a girl has ever left me, I honestly think that she may have had some mental issues. Like maybe been bipolar or something, I have no desire to research into it a whole lot. But to be honest, I treated this girl well and over the course of a couple weeks she went cold on me, then dumped me over text messages. I should write her off, which I have. She still lingers on my mind, I dont know why though... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Yea, I know. It just seems to be taking foooooooooooooooooorever, I wish I could speed it along somehow. This is also the first time in my life that a girl has ever left me, I honestly think that she may have had some mental issues. Like maybe been bipolar or something, I have no desire to research into it a whole lot. But to be honest, I treated this girl well and over the course of a couple weeks she went cold on me, then dumped me over text messages. I should write her off, which I have. She still lingers on my mind, I dont know why though... Because SHE left you. As it is for most of us- rejection is a really hard thing to deal with. You have to deal with the fact that someone you loved got to know you and chose to leave you- a very hard pill to swallow. It makes you question yourself, and quite frankly, it makes you wonder what is wrong with you. That is why it takes so long to heal, I think you can carry the weight of the rejection much longer than actually missing the person. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 i think d-lish is right. it is the rejection that makes you feel so bad. to me, i even feel so bad that everybody looks like they hated me. i sacrified a lot of my friends for him at first so... guess how bad it is i am feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
joshislost Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Because SHE left you. As it is for most of us- rejection is a really hard thing to deal with. You have to deal with the fact that someone you loved got to know you and chose to leave you- a very hard pill to swallow. It makes you question yourself, and quite frankly, it makes you wonder what is wrong with you. That is why it takes so long to heal, I think you can carry the weight of the rejection much longer than actually missing the person. Couldn't have said it better myself! Link to post Share on other sites
jessisw Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Loved Your star shines via these pictures I went to a Joyous on Saturday night and wore my baleful HL tear someone off a strip Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is the rejection that hurts so much, after all I did for that girl for her to do this to me and be so cold. I guess I am still a little surprised that she was capable of being so horrible to me. But like my friends told me months ago, I had better stop thinking about her and move on with my life, she no longer matters. Just a rough couple of days, this seems to happen every once in a while. Does this happen to others who are 9+ months out? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 It is the rejection that hurts so much, after all I did for that girl for her to do this to me and be so cold. I guess I am still a little surprised that she was capable of being so horrible to me. But like my friends told me months ago, I had better stop thinking about her and move on with my life, she no longer matters. Just a rough couple of days, this seems to happen every once in a while. Does this happen to others who are 9+ months out? Of course it happens to others. Grieving is a funny things, but once you're done with it, you're done with it- it just takes some people longer than others. I can relate to the contradiction between the person that once loved you and the person that broke up with you. I never imagined that the man I loved would have dumped me when we were in the first few months of dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 @D-Lish How long was your relationship? How long did it take you to get to a point where you couldn't care less about your ex? Its been 9 months since she left me, I am mostly ok but there are still days when I get down about it. My sister said it should take me a year or so to be completely over it, and that if I met somebody new I would forget about my ex very quickly... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 @D-Lish How long was your relationship? How long did it take you to get to a point where you couldn't care less about your ex? Its been 9 months since she left me, I am mostly ok but there are still days when I get down about it. My sister said it should take me a year or so to be completely over it, and that if I met somebody new I would forget about my ex very quickly... I'm still grieving over my recent ex- it's been almost 5 months and we were only together for 6 months. I was really head over heels in love with him though. I think my break up with my exH (after almost 9 years) was easier than this has been. It still took me a couple years to really come to a point of healing after my marriage fell apart. This recent guy was the first person I'd truly fallen in love with since my exH and I split 8 years ago. I probably took a year to get over the guy before that (we only dated 9 month)- but that's because he said the worst, most hateful things anything has ever said to me. He took every insecurity he knew I had and threw it in my face. I was over him way before I was over the things he said to me. 9 Months isn't unusual. I also think that healing involves taking a few steps forward and 2 steps back during the process. Link to post Share on other sites
melenkurion Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 It's ten months for me. Like you, I am mostly OK but I still get rough days. For me the rough times usually manifest as anger (he cheated, left me for my friend) rather than as sadness. I see a counsellor. She tells me it's natural to feel like that, even after all this time. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not unlovable. The way your ex behaved shows far more about her nature than yours. My sister said it should take me a year or so to be completely over it, and that if I met somebody new I would forget about my ex very quickly... Try not to give yourself a timetable. It takes as long as it takes. If it takes longer than you expected, then the wound was deeper than you realised. It's not a sign of weakness. Also, I understand the "if you met somebody new" thing, but I kind of think the cause and effect is the other way round. It's maybe not that meeting somebody new in itself will make you heal instantly. I'd say it's more likely that by the time you are open to let somebody new into your life, then you are already mostly ready to forget the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Jon, Sounds like you have an amazing and supportive family, and you know, they wouldn't steer you wrong. They probably don't think your ex was good enough for you in the first place, but that doesn't mean you didn't care deeply for her. Your ex broke up with you in a disrespectful way, and I am sure that's part of the reason the pain lingers. I felt very disrespected by my ex as well, and I know for certain that was why my pain lingered. Your ex showed a lack of character, and that's not on you, it's on her. Try to tease the two issues apart: your ex, and the way she treated you and the breakup. It sounds like you really are over your ex, but you're not over the way the breakup went down. See what I mean? Try not to give yourself a timetable. It takes as long as it takes. If it takes longer than you expected, then the wound was deeper than you realised. It's not a sign of weakness. Nice sentiment. It's so much better to just allow yourself to feel bad over these months, let yourself heal, and let nature take its course. Some people bounce back from physical injury faster than others do, too. And there's no judgement there. So don't judge yourself harshly when it comes to emotional injury. As for readiness to meet someone and attach to someone new? You'll be surprised how naturally that will happen when you're ready. You'll just find yourself admiring, or noticing, or lusting at some point, you really will. It's not something you'll plan. It will just happen. And that will restore your faith. It will go hand in hand with healing, it really will. Try not to worry, okay? Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Because SHE left you. As it is for most of us- rejection is a really hard thing to deal with. You have to deal with the fact that someone you loved got to know you and chose to leave you- a very hard pill to swallow. It makes you question yourself, and quite frankly, it makes you wonder what is wrong with you. That is why it takes so long to heal, I think you can carry the weight of the rejection much longer than actually missing the person. so true! this is why i come to loveshack! i get so tired of my friends telling me i should be "over it" by now; he was a jerk; blah blah blah. yes we've all been rejected and hurt but it takes a long time to heal from that b/c of what you stated above. unless someone is actually going through a rejection or break up at that moment, it's hard to relate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks for the supporting comments, I really appreciate them. It makes me feel a lot better about things... really. After much thought I realized another reason for my slow healing. I moved to a new city to take a great job (& partly to get away from the city where we lived/met, even though she no longer lives there either). I live in one of the largest cities in America, yet I am struggling to make friends. Everyone I know would describe me as a very 'normal' personable guy, I am not socially awkward or anything like that. I must admit that this move/transition has not been quite as easy as I previously thought. I feel kind of lonely, I think that gets me down a little bit which ultimately brings me back to thinking about my ex. I like this city, I really do, but having no friends makes it really suck. Imagine hanging out in paradise by yourself... I really do not like going to bars by myself, it makes me feel like an alcoholic. I talk to my ex ex gf (who I dumped in a similar way 5 years ago) a lot. We have made up and are now good friends. She dumped her bf of three years about three months ago, she said that she is bummed about it but really doesn't care all that much. She has no desire to reach out to him or even be friends with him. What is so weird for me is that I would bet anything that this is how my current ex feels about me. So it is like I get to see things from her (current ex) perspective too. I guess I still struggle to accept that after everything I did for my ex she could just drop me like that. Oh well, if I had ended up marrying her I bet she would have pulled a stunt like this after a few years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 12, 2011 Author Share Posted August 12, 2011 I am so tired of feeling down all the time. It has really taken a toll on me... Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Thanks for the supporting comments, I really appreciate them. It makes me feel a lot better about things... really. After much thought I realized another reason for my slow healing. I moved to a new city to take a great job (& partly to get away from the city where we lived/met, even though she no longer lives there either). I live in one of the largest cities in America, yet I am struggling to make friends. Everyone I know would describe me as a very 'normal' personable guy, I am not socially awkward or anything like that. I must admit that this move/transition has not been quite as easy as I previously thought. I feel kind of lonely, I think that gets me down a little bit which ultimately brings me back to thinking about my ex. I like this city, I really do, but having no friends makes it really suck. Imagine hanging out in paradise by yourself... I really do not like going to bars by myself, it makes me feel like an alcoholic. I talk to my ex ex gf (who I dumped in a similar way 5 years ago) a lot. We have made up and are now good friends. She dumped her bf of three years about three months ago, she said that she is bummed about it but really doesn't care all that much. She has no desire to reach out to him or even be friends with him. What is so weird for me is that I would bet anything that this is how my current ex feels about me. So it is like I get to see things from her (current ex) perspective too. I guess I still struggle to accept that after everything I did for my ex she could just drop me like that. Oh well, if I had ended up marrying her I bet she would have pulled a stunt like this after a few years. Yes!! be very glad that you didnt marry her or you would be getting a divorce right now!! You should be WAY past all the who did what to who!! After all this time it just doesnt matter anymore. I think your stuck on being sad. They say theres all these different phases we should go through. I think you just got stuck. So now its time to move to another stage k. Hey, try getting mad. I liked that stage. Granted I didnt stay there very long but it felt good to be mad at all the messed up stuff my ex did to me.And the more I thought about it the more I had to be mad about.Try it. And my goodness just because smone breaksup with us (I was the dumpee) doesnt mean their bipolar or anything. People move on, it happens. It doesnt say ANYTHING about you just because smone went "next". My therapist once told me that we ALL have the right to be happy. And if that means him NOT being with me. Then thats what that means. Good luck...Feel better..... Link to post Share on other sites
scoobyluver Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Thanks for the supporting comments, I really appreciate them. It makes me feel a lot better about things... really. After much thought I realized another reason for my slow healing. I moved to a new city to take a great job (& partly to get away from the city where we lived/met, even though she no longer lives there either). I live in one of the largest cities in America, yet I am struggling to make friends. Everyone I know would describe me as a very 'normal' personable guy, I am not socially awkward or anything like that. I must admit that this move/transition has not been quite as easy as I previously thought. I feel kind of lonely, I think that gets me down a little bit which ultimately brings me back to thinking about my ex. I like this city, I really do, but having no friends makes it really suck. Imagine hanging out in paradise by yourself... I really do not like going to bars by myself, it makes me feel like an alcoholic. I talk to my ex ex gf (who I dumped in a similar way 5 years ago) a lot. We have made up and are now good friends. She dumped her bf of three years about three months ago, she said that she is bummed about it but really doesn't care all that much. She has no desire to reach out to him or even be friends with him. What is so weird for me is that I would bet anything that this is how my current ex feels about me. So it is like I get to see things from her (current ex) perspective too. I guess I still struggle to accept that after everything I did for my ex she could just drop me like that. Oh well, if I had ended up marrying her I bet she would have pulled a stunt like this after a few years. Are you in L.A? Link to post Share on other sites
Bubby Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 it seems Jon that sometimes when we fall min love we can fall very heavily, hook line and sinker. The person goes to the centre of our hearts and we learn to treasure them. When this happens it does take a long time to grieve for the loss of that person. My marriage has just broken up. But I remember I broke up with a fellow I went out with in my twenties for four years and do you know that it took me years to get over him. He moved on and married and had children but it was as if I got stuck on him but I was able to move on in my thirties. I love my husband and is has shattered my heart about our break up but I know that it will not take me years to get over him. So be patient with yourself and do you know one morning you will wake up and find that you have not dreamt or thought about your ex for several hours or days at a time. Also try the Serenity prayer over and over again. It is amzing how it works so well and helps you feel calmer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Thanks guys for your supportive comments. I really appreciate it. This has been so hard on me. This whole week I have been thinking about her I do not live in L.A. I picked that city randomly to throw off anyone who might be catching on to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 What is the serenity prayer? Link to post Share on other sites
ventdomain Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Hey Jon, it's crazy how similar our stories are. We dated over 2 years, I moved to a new city, she broke up with me because I wasn't sure of my feelings (she was my first love). I spent 6 months trying to get back with her to have her lead me on and then reject me over and over again. I still think about her a lot. I know she's been dating and might be in a relationship now. I also have such a difficult time believing someone whom I thought was so in love with me could drop me for someone new and just move on. She has a lot going on and as I have recently quit my job, I'm in this crazy transition stage that has me thinking of her even more. We have been NC over three months and the urge to contact her is now greater than ever, although I have no idea what I expect to get out of it. I guess I would like to hear from her that she missed me, she can't imagine ever replacing me and that she understands why I did the things I did and how they were just a product of where I was in life. I've told all of this to her before but I don't think she genuinely understood what it has been like for me. The idea that shehas replaced me just seems so impossible as it has been so hard for me to find someone I could see myself falling in love with again. Although she has had relationships before me, I do feel like I was her first real love also and things could work out at some point further down the road. (Even though I don't feel that is the most constructive thinking). I do feel much better some days. I can go several hours without thinking about her but so much of me wonders just how long she can go without thinking about me. Hang in there man, I can really related. It all sucks. Wish I would have found this site right away and I've learned the hard way everything I need to know for the next time around. Link to post Share on other sites
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