Long-term love conceals relationship from colleagues.

[user1]

-Boyfriend of five and a half years is at a medical convention in Florida with his colleagues at work.

 

-When I call his cell, he pretendsnot to know me and doesn't address me by name in front of this colleagues. He only calls me when he is alone in his hotel room or away from his colleagues. His behavior is odd and out of character.

 

-He admits that he has not told this group of colleagues (mostly women) about being in a long time relationship. this is odd, because...

 

-We work together in the same hospital; I am his senior. I am covering for his patients and his clinical duties. Other physicians in other departments including our bosses know that we are in a long-term relationship, because he has told them. I was instrumental in securing his position for him at the same hospital.

 

 

-He did leave me messages on my phone telling me where is he is going with his "colleagues", and that he will be unreachable at night: at the beach with his colleagues, in Miami, at a bar, at a club; so I should not wait up to call him at night.

 

-We were to be engaged by this July, when I go out in practice. We have shopped for rings.

 

-He cheated on his ex-fiancee over six years ago; their engagement was cancelled.

 

-Sadly, I have been cheated on twice in my lifetime; I run a webforum for people who've been cheated on. He swore before we got involved that he would never hurt me like that, because he's changed. Because I firmly believe people can change, I gave him a chance, like I encourage people on my forum to do.

 

-Last night, I called him at 1 a.m to ask him when I should pick him up at the airport (he never called me to tell me); he spoke to me from the hallway, saying that he was having a party in his room with his colleagues (guys and girls) and that it was too noisey to talk.

 

-I called his hotel room right after, and a woman answered his phone; I told her to tell him his girlfriend called.

 

-few minutes later, I called him again to tell him I was giving him a last chance by letting me talk to another "man" in the room. He said everyone left , party over--in the span of five minutes.

 

-he had another guy colleague call me to vouch for him they had a "party" in his room; he was shocked to hear we have been together for 5 1/2 years and that other people in the hospital know this.

 

-3 hours later, at 4 in the morning, he admits to me over the phone that he has purposely has concealed me from his colleagues. His reason: "I don't want people to think I got this position because you helped me; I don't want them to talk".

 

-He has purposely concealed me from them and treated me like some stranger; insult to injury as I am covering for him at work. Also, all his colleagues are finishing up their training in 1 month, so it doesn't matter what they think.

 

-I pose this question as I counsel others on my forum: Should I continue with this relationship? He insists that he did nothing wrong, as it was his "choice to not tell them". he says that hurting my feelings was not his intention;

 

-My gut tells me there is an ulterior motive for him not telling them, especially if other people in the hospital know about us. What do you think? We still have 2 months to work together....

 

-I know from experience that people don't change unless near death or had a traumatic experience....should I give him the walking papers?

[EnigmaXOXO]

As you probably already know, it’s so much easier to stand outside of a situation and view it objectively when you’re heart and emotions aren’t invested. I think if you were reading this thread on your own forum you might recommend the poster procede with extreme caution…if at all.

 

Love springs hope eternal, and often we ignore our gut to appease our hearts. However, given all the red flags you have so eloquently and carefully listed, I don’t think it would be wise to just assume you were merely being paranoid given your past experience. On the contrary, I think you are rather educated when it comes to recognizing the signs.

 

So here we go again?...Who knows?

 

I think the better question to ask yourself is if you are prepared to go the distance, once again, to see where it might lead. Or if perhaps it would be in your own best interest to walk away now before suffering yet another devastating disappointment.

 

If it were me, I couldn’t bare to be in another relationship with someone who kept my stomach twisted in knots for doubt and worry. Then again, perhaps you’re more patient than me…

[Debster]

Listen to your warning bells.

 

There seems to be too many going on here.

I think deep down you suspect that he is having an affair.

It sounds like it. I would recommend doing some research.

Find out about the hotel he stayed at - was it for one or two?

Talk to colleagues about the conference to find out if he was there.

 

but above all else - never, ever get in a relationship where it is hidden.

It is not good for your self-esteem or your relationship. Everyone deserves a relationship that they can be proud of and not keep secret.

[user1]

Heh heh. So right indeed. Thank you so much for your thoughts about this.

 

I had wanted this relationship to work out so much after previous "failures", that I was becoming a hypocrite to myself, perhaps the worst betrayal of all---to myself.

 

I will proceed with caution. I will trust my self- loving Gut Instinct. I will remain cool and calm. I am mustering up inner strength to let go and be free, for I choose not to have a life of heartache.

 

Peace, Loveshock.

[SoleMate]

My feeling is...if he loves you and you love him back, he will be shouting it from the rooftops! At least figuratively. And he won't have a woman in his hotel room at 1 am and then feed you a cheezy cover story.

 

he says that hurting my feelings was not his intention

Right, that is a true statement. His intention was two-timing you.

 

should I give him the walking papers?

Given your special relationship, why don't you just give him an air bubble in his cardiac artery? <snork>

[Good2Go]

I would leave his a*s at the airport! He doesn't respect or admit to your relationship. Any relationship you may think exists is only in your own head. You are merely sex outside of his real world.

 

If you don't walk away from this one you are foolin' yourself.

[user1]

Thank you for your posts.

Gave him the Talk.

Told him he has to Walk.

Feeling the Universal Devastation of Loss.

Working through the stages of Denial, bargaining, anger, and depression.

Hoping to get to acceptance soon.

Hate myself for holding on to hope that he will get help to change his ways.....

*sigh*.

[liesandmorelies]

It is the hardest thing that you have to do when someone is leading a double life and not being honest with you. It just happened to me and my bf turns out to have had a wife and 2 small children living in mexico and he never told his family about me. I've been living with him here in the states for 2 years and i thought he was different b/c he went the university and was educated. I am devestated but everyone keeps telling me that by breaking it off, I am doing the right thing.

 

I want to go running back to him and try to work it out, but I have to believe that there are other decent men out there that I can meet and start a family with. The most upsetting thing is that he pretended that he was single from the day that he met me and we planned a life together. I was set, and had my future ready to go and ready to start a family next year with him and now I am stuck by myself again and at age 32 that is scary since I want to have 2 kids and a husband, and I feel sort of panicked like I don't have time to meet anybody, since i'm getting old.

 

I have to be honest that I am so so so afraid now that I wont meet anyone decent to start a life with.

 

Hang in there.