Can you ever really get over an affair?

[nyrias]

OMG! Nyrias...are you a vulcan?

 

How do you know? I am here to study human mating rituals and so far it has been fascinating.

 

Live long and prosper.

[Will_miss_rk]

Although I've never been in that situation myself, I've been reading a lot of material on how to get over an affair, since I am studying to be a marriage and family therapist. From what I've read, you never do get over it completely. Once the trust is broken, it never truly comes back entirely. There will always be that sadness in the back of your mind that sometimes comes to the forefront. The way to get past it as much as possible is to slowly reestablish trust in the relationship. That means for the WS to be accountable for his whereabouts at all times. That means the WS needs to be remorseful and demonstrate that to the BS. In order to be trusted again, the WS needs to prove they can be trusted. That is a slow process that will take a lot of time. Those two things--remorse and accountability--are what helps to reestablish trust and helps to get past an affair.

 

Yeah, that sounds like the standard therapist talk. They must all read from the same textbooks when they counsel people. Why would people put up with that much of a slow and painful process and not just leave? Staying after an affair that is more than just a moment of weakness doesn't seem worth the effort.

[Will_miss_rk]

Time definitely does NOT heal all wounds, so stop counting on a miracle like that. Recovery from such a betrayal is a process, and it does take time. You need to face the truth of what your wife did and feel all of the strong emotions this generates. You need to work with a counselor so you have someone you can talk to that is really in your corner. Marriage counseling is not something I recommend, but it might be valuable to you.

 

The bottom line for you at this point is to focus on your own recovery and do the things that you believe are best for you. If being around your wife is difficult because of the hurt she caused and the shame and anger you feel, you might want to consider a separation until you have some time to decide whether your marriage is worth the pain and effort of attempting reconciliation. It's something only you can decide, and there is no wrong answer. Do what is best for you.

 

I'm beginning to think like you and believe that the best thing to do is what is best for me. Leaving is looking more attractive by the day. Why put up with a lifetime of pain just to stay with a person who has revealed themselves to be a real selfish jerk.

[Will_miss_rk]

1) Your children (no matter how old) will pick up that something isn't right. It's just a gut feeling.

2) Children should be raised in the best circumstances, with parents being the best people they can be. This isn't always achieved in marriage if you're not truly happy.

3) YOU deserve happiness. Your spouse broke their marriage vows. You shouldn't have to put up with that if you can't forgive it.

 

Don't only do the best for your children, but yourself, too.

 

I feel if I can tolerate the spouse in a few months, being able to see my kids all the time will more than make up having to deal with the pain of the affair. That is if I can get to a tolerable level.

[Will_miss_rk]

Yes time heals all wounds but it wouldn't happen if I decided to stay with her because looking at her would be a daily reminder of pain...

Now some years later I am a happier person and I am a happier and better parent for my child...

But it's my story,not yours...only you decide what makes you happy

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do...

 

The portion I bolded and underlined is exactly how if feel. I think like you I can forgive my wife one day only if I leave but seeing her face everyday is too hurtful to me. How long did you stay before your realize that you couldn't stay?

[Will_miss_rk]

Honest answer...no. Her affair would creep into my head at odd times. I never regained 100% trust. Eventually divorced. Best thing I ever did. It's nice to live life without a cloud of doubt hanging over my head.

 

I can relate to that. Though the pain of being without my kids would be huge, having to deal with thoughts of the affair during odd times like you said seems unbearable. There is no way I can understand what she did to make myself feel better. It's only when I don't think about it and get lost doing something else do I fell better. If I'm on my own then thoughts of her and her misdeeds aren't my concern anymore and the lose their intensity.

[Will_miss_rk]

it depends on what you call "getting over" it.

 

If it means you can forget about it, then no, you will never get over it.

 

If it means you don't forget, but it just doesn't bother you anymore, then yes, you can get over it.

 

 

Really? It doesn't bother you anymore?

[Will_miss_rk]

Some people can get over an affair, some cannot. I have heard (though have never seen evidence to support) that women can generally speaking recover better than men can.

 

My husband and I have recovered our marriage, are 7+ years out and very happy. But, it took a LOT of work and we went through a LOT of pain in the process. For us it was worth it, for others it may not be.

 

There is no choice that is right for everyone. Only you can decide for you. I will warn you that in recovery - patience is a virtue. It's not a weeks or months kinda thing. Think years.

 

That's just it. It will take at least a few years to get to a good place in your marriage. And it is a big maybe that you will get to that good place. And it is only if you work very hard. The odds are stacked against getting passed an affair. It sounds like it isn't worth the gamble at all. I'm glad you were able to beat the odds, at least there are some success stories out there.

[Will_miss_rk]

My wife and I reconciled after her affair. It's been a little over three years for me and I wonder if I will ever get over it. I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier if I had decided on getting a divorce. I didn't want my son to grow up the same way I did, without a father really being there or him being raised/living with another man.

 

However, I don't think about it as often as I used to, but it is still there. I think once the sanctity of the marriage has been broken it's really, really hard to get that back.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel I'm at the crossroads you were at 3 years ago. Having kids really complicates matters when it comes to divorce. I don't know how I'll live without the kids but I really don't like living with the wife anymore. Either option I choose is really full of pain. My wife messes up and I'm the one that has to pay for it on so many levels, whether I stay or go. There is no justice. It's my gut feeling that once the spouse has an affair the marriage is really ultimately doomed and it is just a matter of time. I want to get to a better emotional state before I make any rushed decisions but my feeling is I will be gone one day, whether it be 1 year or 5 years. I will be gone. At least the longer I stay, I can at least have that much more time with my daughters. So staying isn't all bad.

[Will_miss_rk]

Well My ex had an 8 yr long term affair with a friend, I never forgot and still I'm having a hard time forgiving the both of them. This is something that you will live with the rest of your life. The pain and memories will fade over time I've been divorced now over 2 yrs. My ex has since married her and so far they seem happy ( go figure ). I hurt when I seem them together and when I see her with my kids this kills me but I just play it off because I really know how my kids feel about her. They are older so they were aware of their dads affair. I chose not to stay because of the length of his affair and I could never believe or trust him ever again. I basically take care of myself and my kids and just ignore the both of them. Time does heal and you will see in time you will be happier. Please don't stay with him just because of the kids, they are smart and will catch on. They need to see you happy.

 

Thanks for sharing. Excellent post. I believe you are right. Kids do catch on and they do want to see you happy. That is an excellent point. They may not want to see you leave but the also don't want to see you unhappy.

[Will_miss_rk]

I have to add...

 

I don't think anyone should begin the painful and difficult process of reconciliation for someone else - not even your children. The WS didn't let the thought of the children stop him/her from cheating, the choice to remain with your (formerly) cheating spouse should not be based on the children, either, IMO. If you aren't happy, your children won't be either.

 

Be selfish, here, and decide what YOU want. Then if you decide you want reconciliation, go for it.

 

I've told my spouse numerous times that I feel worse that she didn't even think about the kids when she slept with this other guy. How selfish can you get? It's sad that the courts will grant her custody when she obviously doesn't care for them as much as she should.

[Will_miss_rk]

The obsession with statistics and logic, the fact that she (nyrias sounds pretty feminine so I'll run with that) basically sees the world with numbers, and the need to pick out poorely worded or ambiguous statements so that she can place opinions that differ from the norm just for the sake of it. Huh, just an observation.

 

Will, generally speaking, after a relationship gets hit with infidelity, the BS either ends up being completely adamant with their choice, or horribly torn. Since you seem to be the latter (though leaning towards divorce IMO), I believe that it would be beneficial to wait a while, and open up dialogue with your wife. As I recall, counselors recommend waiting 4-6 months before making a choice.

 

4-6 months sounds like a reasonable amount of time. I will most likely give it at least that long before I decide one way or another. There really isn't a rush but it sure would ease a ton of pain by leaving now. Thanks for the advice.

[carrie999]

I just found out 2 1/2 months ago that my spouse cheated. So far the hurt and anger has been too much for me to ever think I could get over the affair. Are their BS out there who have stuck by their spouse through such a traumatic event and felt the better for it that could advise me on how to get over the affair. They say time heals all wounds but I can't really see how I won't have too much resentment even after 7 or 8 years. Please, anybody is their any constructive advice you can give I guy trying to keep his family together by staying. At this point I don't see anyone can really get over an affair even though they might stay together years after the affair.

 

I couldn't forgive an affair. I always knew that for me, it's the only unforgivable offense in a relationship, and I could never get over it. I could deal with alcoholism or drug abuse if my partner sought treatment and truly abstained, but I wouldn't trust that they were free from it for at least a few years. If they cheated, I'd never fully trust them again. To me, the minute someone chooses to become involved with someone else, they torch the relationship they have.

 

Many people successfully rebuild after an affair, just as many rebuild trust with an alcoholic. In many cases both are about addiction and underlying problems within the person, not the marriage, so it makes sense that the marriage isn't damaged irreparably.

 

But in too many cases (including my own affair with a married man), the marriage is beyond repair. If the cheating spouse chooses to change and become faithful and really addresses the problems in the marriage, and the betrayed spouse is willing to work past it, there's a chance it will work out. But it seems less likely to me...the very core of the relationship has been completely undermined.

 

If it's a marriage that has lasted 30+ years, I might be willing to try to save it. If it's less than 15, I'd pack up and move out. That's just my take on it. I'm very sorry.

[Bugz Bunny]

The portion I bolded and underlined is exactly how if feel. I think like you I can forgive my wife one day only if I leave but seeing her face everyday is too hurtful to me. How long did you stay before your realize that you couldn't stay?

 

After I confronted her about the one month long affair I went to the beach and spend the night there and I thought about my entire life and then I thought about the future...

The next day I filed for Divorce...

 

so the answer is:I never stayed,I filed for D immediately

[MissBee]

Some people can get over it, some cannot. That doesn't imply any superiority of former group in any way.

 

I agree.

 

I've never been a BS so admittedly don't have firsthand experience with tips on getting over an affair but I do believe that one has to consider first of all marriage counseling and putting EVERYTHING on the table. Affairs blow open the doors for ALL the dirty laundry, latent issues, within the marriage as a unit and the individuals, unsaid things, pent up emotions etc to be exposed to the light. After EVERYTHING is on the table the individuals can then decide what it is they want. Have they come to an impasse, is this a mountain they need to climb together, is this the fork in the road leading them on separate paths? I think MC will help with deciphering these things.

 

Some people may be able to throw the towel in immediately, some may want to work it out and may try but realize that it just isn't working, some may act like the cheating didn't happen and resume the marriage seamlessly....

 

I have always said that if I am with a bf and he cheats...it's over but with a husband, I would feel obligated to try. I have also considered that broken trust may be hard and impossible in some cases to regain and walking away may be best for my sanity. I however, would more than likely get MC so that I can sort out ALL my feelings, take a realistic look at my H and the marriage so that I am able to decide, based on a realistic picture, where things will go. Fixing things will be a process if you so choose...likewise leaving will be a painful process as well.

 

I wish you peace of mind and strength.

Edited August 10, 2011 by MissBee

[silktricks]

I agree.

 

I've never been a BS so admittedly don't have firsthand experience with tips on getting over an affair but I do believe that one has to consider first of all marriage counseling and putting EVERYTHING on the table. Affairs blow open the doors for ALL the dirty laundry, latent issues, within the marriage as a unit and the individuals, unsaid things, pent up emotions etc to be exposed to the light. After EVERYTHING is on the table the individuals can then decide what it is they want. Have they come to an impasse, is this a mountain they need to climb together, is this the fork in the road leading them on separate paths? I think MC will help with deciphering these things.

The bolded is absolutely the truth. If ALL of the problems in the marriage pre-affair are not worked on and if not resolved, at least a manageable way to deal with them in the future worked out, you've not really recovered the marriage. The difficult part for the BS is that while you are in abject pain over the affair, you get the fun part of dealing with your own issues and the things that you have done to help the marriage get into such a state of disrepair.

 

Some people may be able to throw the towel in immediately, some may want to work it out and may try but realize that it just isn't working, some may act like the cheating didn't happen and resume the marriage seamlessly....

in my opinion (and my opinion may not be worth much ) if you do the latter, you're just delaying the inevitable. You might as well divorce now, because the odds are very high that cheating or some other death-dealing blow to the marriage will happen again.

 

I have always said that if I am with a bf and he cheats...it's over but with a husband, I would feel obligated to try. I have also considered that broken trust may be hard and impossible in some cases to regain and walking away may be best for my sanity. I however, would more than likely get MC so that I can sort out ALL my feelings, take a realistic look at my H and the marriage so that I am able to decide, based on a realistic picture, where things will go. Fixing things will be a process if you so choose...likewise leaving will be a painful process as well.

 

I wish you peace of mind and strength.

No matter which course you take, there will be difficulties. But if the WS isn't willing to put in the hard work, and really analyze why they took the course they did, trying for recovery is probably a waste of time. It may only take one to wreck a marriage, but it takes the complete effort and commitment of two to rebuild one.

[Will_miss_rk]

After I confronted her about the one month long affair I went to the beach and spend the night there and I thought about my entire life and then I thought about the future...

The next day I filed for Divorce...

 

so the answer is:I never stayed,I filed for D immediately

 

I felt exactly the same but since she has begged me to stay, I'm trying my best to get over it. From the start, I didn't think I could stay, and as time passes my view has stayed pretty much the same. It's like in my heart I know how much i can take and when it is over even though I try to convince myself I'm strong to get over it it, I know I'm not.

[Will_miss_rk]

I couldn't forgive an affair. I always knew that for me, it's the only unforgivable offense in a relationship, and I could never get over it. I could deal with alcoholism or drug abuse if my partner sought treatment and truly abstained, but I wouldn't trust that they were free from it for at least a few years. If they cheated, I'd never fully trust them again. To me, the minute someone chooses to become involved with someone else, they torch the relationship they have.

 

Many people successfully rebuild after an affair, just as many rebuild trust with an alcoholic. In many cases both are about addiction and underlying problems within the person, not the marriage, so it makes sense that the marriage isn't damaged irreparably.

 

But in too many cases (including my own affair with a married man), the marriage is beyond repair. If the cheating spouse chooses to change and become faithful and really addresses the problems in the marriage, and the betrayed spouse is willing to work past it, there's a chance it will work out. But it seems less likely to me...the very core of the relationship has been completely undermined.

 

If it's a marriage that has lasted 30+ years, I might be willing to try to save it. If it's less than 15, I'd pack up and move out. That's just my take on it. I'm very sorry.

 

 

The deceit and lack of respect it took for the my spouse to have a relationship outside the marriage for a number of months just shows how much the marriage meant her. How am I to really believe that things will work out when she has shown that the marriage really means so little to her. I could understand an affair where you just had a moment of weakness but to go on for months, texting, calling, dating and having sex without having enough guilt to stop the affair tells you something about that person and the lack of respect they have for you. It is a person like that, you are suppose to build a strong foundation with again. Seems pretty unlikely even with a strong effort by both parties. To sum it up, I agree that infidelity strikes at the very core of the relationship and almost always causes irreparable damage.

[Severely Unamused]

I felt exactly the same but since she has begged me to stay, I'm trying my best to get over it. From the start, I didn't think I could stay, and as time passes my view has stayed pretty much the same. It's like in my heart I know how much i can take and when it is over even though I try to convince myself I'm strong to get over it it, I know I'm not.

 

What stood out for me was that she is begging for you to stay. Which in other words means that she is using a form of psychological manipulation on you (guilt tripping mostly), without respecting, and perhaps playing on your own feelings (i.e that you seem to want to leave her).

 

I spent some time reading your older posts. I noticed that she was hesitant to accept any responsibility for the affair or her own role in the marriage, which seems to contrast heavily with your own attitude. You were at least willing to admit that you could have been more affectionate and intimate with her. Has she been remorseful? Has she been able to deconstruct herself too?

 

I'm about to enter a similar situation to yourself so I've been reading up on reconciliation. It definitely requires 100% from both spouses. You seem to be trying to forgive her and work on the marriage, but beyond begging, is she doing the hard work too?

 

Ultimately, the choice is your own. Staying or leaving: both are commendable in different situations.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Will_miss_rk]

What stood out for me is that she was begging for you to stay. Which in other words means that she is using a form of psychological manipulation on you (guilt tripping), without respecting, and perhaps playing on your own feelings (i.e that you seem to want to leave her).

I never though of her begging as manipulation. That is an interesting perspective. I will have to think about that more.

 

I spent some time reading your older posts. I noticed that she was hesitant to accept any responsibility for the affair or damage to the marriage that she had, which seems to contrast heavily with your own attitude. You were at least willing to admit that you could have been more affectionate to her. What has she said?

She tells me that I would have an easier time getting over the affair if I would just understand that she felt empty and unloved and she was searching for that attention and love somewhere else. I agreed with that up to the point of maybe having lunch with the guy but at some point a light has to go on that gets you to stop. She called, texted, had lunch, kissed, had sex and a light never went on telling her to stop until 6 months had passed. I can see how I might of pushed her toward another man but it was her choice to continue to escalate the affair past forgivable levels. It's quite obvious that she was enjoying the affair and it had to do more with being attracted to this other guy than filling a void.

 

I'm about to enter a similar situation to yourself so I've been reading up on reconciliation. It definitely requires 100% from both spouses. You seem to be trying to forgive her and work on the marriage, but beyond begging, is she doing the hard work too?

She hasn't done much hard work besides crying and begging. She says she doesn't know what to do to make me feel better. Just to see how much effort she would put forth if I did ask her to make up for her affair, I asked her to give me a ten minute massage every night for a week to see if she would even do it. She did it for a couple of nights only and put forth a weak effort doing the massage so it wasn't very enjoyable. So it seems that she really doesn't want to put any real effort into reconciling. She only puts forth an effort in a manner that she finds acceptable. She talks a good talk about me staying but her actions speak otherwise. Which is why she probably had the affair in the first place. When things were going good she was faithful but the moment there is a little turmoil in the marriage she has an affair. Affairs just seem to reveal the real person that was hiding inside the person the whole time.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Will_miss_rk

[Severely Unamused]

She tells me that I would have an easier time getting over the affair if I would just understand that she felt empty and unloved and she was searching for that attention and love somewhere else.

You see, while you are trying to understand her perspective, she really doesn't seem to be doing the same for you. Would you agree with that?

 

It's quite obvious that she was enjoying the affair and it had to do more with being attracted to this other guy than filling a void.

Ah, so it's sort of like a thief that steals money to feed his starving family, but one who also clearly enjoys the power trip that comes along with what he does. And even after his family has enough money, he keeps on stealing. An extreme analogy, but you get the idea.

 

So it seems that she really doesn't want to put any real effort into reconciling. She only puts forth an effort in a manner that she finds acceptable.

So, put her affair aside for a second (difficult, I realise) and focus on the rest of her. Judging by the way that she has been treating you during these past two months, ask yourself: is this the woman that I want to spend my life with? Edited August 11, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Maladjusted]

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel I'm at the crossroads you were at 3 years ago. Having kids really complicates matters when it comes to divorce. I don't know how I'll live without the kids but I really don't like living with the wife anymore. Either option I choose is really full of pain. My wife messes up and I'm the one that has to pay for it on so many levels, whether I stay or go. There is no justice. It's my gut feeling that once the spouse has an affair the marriage is really ultimately doomed and it is just a matter of time. I want to get to a better emotional state before I make any rushed decisions but my feeling is I will be gone one day, whether it be 1 year or 5 years. I will be gone. At least the longer I stay, I can at least have that much more time with my daughters. So staying isn't all bad.

 

Your welcome. I posted the whole story here three years ago.

 

I agree with you. I don't find myself caring about all the things I used to to make her happy. It's not that I don't love/care about her, you just know that the feeling of loved/being loved unconditionally really isn't there anymore after the affair.

[DepressedinDenver]

I dont think I could which I why I have started separation with my wife from the start. Theres no way I could ever get over it. However we were only married a year which is why I feel this way. She didnt care about the marriage from the beginning so why should I care about her.

[foreal]

I knew the instant Dday hit I would never get over it, but I pushed all that aside and kept trying.

 

I always knew it was a deal breaker- and I think I could have saved all of us a lot of time, money and trouble had I just accepted my intuition and left.

 

But it is very difficult, especially with children.

 

I think each of us knows innately whether or not it is a deal breaker.... Some can do it and still have a great life...this forum seems to have some of those people on it....others can stay, but their lives will forever have a stain that haunts them and they won't ever have a truly 'happy place'...and there are those like me, who knew in an instant that it was over but it just took time (and lots of pain) to acknowledge and accept it.

 

Listen to your gut

[Will_miss_rk]

So, put her affair aside for a second (difficult, I realise) and focus on the rest of her. Judging by the way that she has been treating you during these past two months, ask yourself: is this the woman that I want to spend my life with?

 

That is the million dollar question. Once the kids leave and it's just me and her, I have to know that I will enjoy the rest of my life spending time with the women. Honestly, the next several months will be dedicated to answering that very question. So far it doesn't look so good.