justagirl34 Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 [color=darkblue][/color] I believe I was the victim of a guy on the rebound. My question in all this is not whether I can get him back....he has gone back to his ex and if that's were he wants to be she can have him...but i am baffled by his actions. I can't seem to understand/identify whether his feelings for me were geniune even though he went back. Here's the short version: Me: I am about 2 years out of a serious relationship in which I got pretty burned. Took the first year away from dating completely and have spent the last dating fairly casually but being very guarded/protective. Then this guy shows up. We clicked instantly. He seemd to be everything I was looking for. Smart, articulate, same sense of humore, same goals, professions, values etc. etc. He expressed what I thought was a geniune interest and expressed this through calling frequently, seeming very interested in me, spending lots of time together, meeting friends etc. He seemed so concerned about us both being open and seemed very available capable of having a close, healthy relationship. Felt like he could read me like a book. Him: 3 months out of what was explained as a very difficult relationship of 5 years. Many, many break-ups, she would never commit, finally cheated on him and it ended. It may have actually ended 7 months prior but was maybe ify until 3 months before me. He shared this on our 3rd date and although i felt a flag rise, he seemed SO convinced it was over and he would never go back again. Family hated her, everyone hated her. He seemed to really see the unhealtiness of it and said he would be so angry if this thing he had wasted 5 years on ruined things with me...blah, blah. Everything else was so perfect, i took a chance. Anyway, realtionship went on for about 7 weeks, not long I know, and the i love you starting popping out. I understand that at that stage saying "i love you" is more about having intense feelings and falling in love but...anyway. I had been considering moving to another state but decided to take the risk for what i really wnated and wait. he said that not only didn't freak him out (staying for him ) but that if family/marriage etc. was what i really wanted it would be a contradiction to leave. He talked about future plans...kids, marriage etc. about a week ago he bacame moody and distant. I noticed. Felt like he was angry at her, not me. We went out this past weekend and he was the same which set me off a bit. Wound up having a very minor fight. Next day he was "confused, "may have feelings for his old deal" didn't feel a connection with me anymore". Got the "you are so amazing deal, made me feel strong/healthy again" and "i know i'll be the one to regret this" but ...they had already spoken that morning and she was back and promising "everything". Of course she had heard he was very serious with someone so from my perspective she is in desperation mode and will promise anything. He feels that although he doesn't really believe her he needs to do this one more time to be doen with it or int it for good. My question: I understand having to do something until it is done and all that but...could ANY of what he said/did for and with me have been real?? Is it possible to place yourself so firmly in denial that you can have feelings for someone else. Is it more likely that none of it was real and he was just running hard nto somehting he wanted so badly totake away the hurt??? I just don't know how to categorize it and move on. Kills me that here i am missing him and so blinsided and they are together. How could it possibly last?? any feedback would be great...don't be afraid to hurt my feelings , want to hear some reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 I'm sorry to hear about this situation... I wouldn't say that nothing he felt for you was real. I think there's a good chance he did feel something for you, from the sounds of it. He was obviously in denial about being over his ex. That much is clear now in hindsight. However, just because he was not over her does not mean he didn't feel anything for you, in my opinion. He may have. Unfortunately for you, he and his ex have a long history and his ties to her were/are much stronger than anything he felt for you. I hate to say it, but I also think there's a good chance he'll be back, since his relationship with her sounds unstable. You're best bet is to move on and don't look back. He'll come looking for someone when they break up again, but if she wants him back again, he'll probably also go back again. Spare yourself any further heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 Is it more likely that none of it was real and he was just running hard nto somehting he wanted so badly totake away the hurt??? yes - but as for it being unreal - I'm sure it was very real for the both of you at the time. I think for him ( and for most people ) 3 months out of a tumultuous 5 year relationship is not enough time to be putting yourself out there looking again. Clearly he wasn't over this girl and unfortunately it may just be that you caught him on the rebound. Don't beat yourself up over things he said or did for you - you can't know the state of his mind and you're not responsible for it either. And yes, 7 weeks is not a long time, though that doesn't mean you didn't share some intense moments. You could think about in terms of better 7 weeks than 7 months. Girlies right, your best bet is to move on and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justagirl34 Posted April 30, 2004 Author Share Posted April 30, 2004 Thanks for the insight. I guess you are both right. Was just the first time I let myself really open up to someone in a long time. Let myself begin to really believe that i was done being single...at least for a long while. Not looking forward to getting back out there. appreciate your taking the time to respond though!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted April 30, 2004 Share Posted April 30, 2004 Been there, done that, got the T-shirt Since you sound like you know what you need to do, the only advice I'll give is to listen to that little feeling the next time you see a flag go up like you mentioned in your first post. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly1 Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 Justagirl, the same thing happenned to me last summer and I still think about. It had been about two years as well that I had come out of a pretty serious relationship when I met my guy. We actually met while he was on a "break" from his gf (and I was just visiting) and started dating three months later when I moved to the city. He told me from the start that he and his ex had broken up a few weeks before after almost 2 years and how rocky the relationship was. We got serious pretty fast and dated for about four months. He told me that I was everything he had been looking for, how easy going I was, how happy he was with me.. We talked daily and for the first time in my life, I really felt like he was "the one" because the connection I felt we had felt so right.....Then his ex (who also happens to live next door to him) started contacting him again. He had been the one to call it off with her too. Around that time, I had to move away to finish my last year of grad school and two weeks after I had left and came back to visit him, he told me that he was "confused" and how he "remembered the strong feelings he had for her" and didn't know if he was ready to get into another serious relationship. He told me he could see us together long term and it scared him because he didn't think he was ready and how his ex is calling him and stopping by and he is confused about his feelings for her. I was heartbroken. He sort of admitted to me a few weeks later that "tried" making things work with her again but once again they were rocky and the same forces that broke them up to begin with, started again. I was back in town a few weeks after we broke up (when he was figuring things out with her) and he stood me up for lunch and told me he "wasn't ready" to see me yet and we got into a fight. He told me he needed time alone but I still could not understand what had happenned. A few weeks after that I was back in town again and asked him to go to dinner with me. We went to dinner and what he told me over dinner contradicted everything he had told me during the four months we had dated. He said that his ex was only part of the reason and the real reason was because he didn't think he could develop strong feelings for me and didn't feel the connection to me. Now its been about five months since that happenned and I still think about what happenned between us and whether or not it was all my head and he never really cared about me nor felt anything. With my distance, I have come to believe that what we had was real but the timing was off. You and I could not compare to the history that they had with their exes. We should not have had to but thats how it went. I also have realized that my ex and possibly yours had a wound after their breakup and looked to us to heal it and help them move on. thats not saying that we were "just a rebound" but I think both of them really needed us and depended on us to lesson the emptiness that they probably felt after the break up which probably intensified their feelings for us and made things so serious. I think that when their exes came back and they had healed a little, they remembered the history and the emotional ties they had with them and tried to make it work. Most likely it won't if it didn't work out the first few times around. I am back on the dating scene but I still think about him daily and wonder if he misses me ever. I move back there in a couple of months and I still have the hope that he will come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author justagirl34 Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 Crazy. Since this has happened I have heard so many stories like this. I think youare right that they were seeking to escape the pain they were in at the time and looking to someone else to fix it. I completely understand your hope of him wanting to come back but .....you deserve better. Everyone does. We don't deserve to be someone's clean-up or fix it girl. You have to figure that whatever happened with them was 50% him and you'll just inhereit those issues as well. Maybe something saved you from being in an even worse situation. At least that's all I can hope . Give this new guy a chance. We both have to realize that although our focus is on them...theirs is on something else. Not to say it wasn't real or true...they just have a bigger thing going on. Mine came calling this past firday ( 2 weeks with the old girlfriend). apparently he found out she had been lying etc. He said he wanted to tell me I was right, to tell me how sorry he was and to apologize. Of course I wound up saying loving things he didn't deserve to hear. He asked me to call him the next day, which i did. He didn't even call back. Had to call him again to get the deal. Said he realized how selfish he was being because he was till sorting out "fact from "fiction" with her (aka: still in it) etc. That he didn't want to wreak any more havoc in my life...needed to listen to me and take the mature amount of time and not just bounce. Said he would never call again unless he was 100% certain. On the one hand i feel like i stood up for myself and made it clear i was not his first aid station etc. but on the other i feel ....exposed/vulnerable/foolish...that i said what i did friday night and even said it was okay to ever call me again. I was crazy about the person he showed me during our time together but this is part of him too....the part that really hurt me. anyway, try to focus on you...give this new guy a chance...who knows...maybe your prince charming is right around the corner.... Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 IMO, rebounds never last. Especially if they're like a week or two out of a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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