Caught off guard by her dating other peopel

[Felixtheecat]

She left me about 3 1/2 months ago after a 2 1/2 year relationship (more than half of that living together). I've thought all along that our problems are fixable. She thinks that our personal problems are, but not our relationship. She has wanted to be friends because she says we were "too close and shared too much for too long" to not be. Aside from that she credits me with "saving her life" by being there for her in a incredibly hard time in her life.

 

I went along with the friend thing for a bit with the intentions of trying to reconcile us. It seemed hopeful at times while other times were difficult. She seemed distant as of late so I addressed the matter and asked a few other questions. She admitted that she was seeing other people. My heart completely sank. It was almost like going through the break up all over again.

 

I gave her back every card, letter and note she had ever written me along with some photos of us. I told her the sentiments in those articles contradicted the course our life had taken, but that they were too precious for me to throw away. Her dating people was the last straw. That hurt too much. This is a woman that I always thought I would work for, but the agony of her dating others and just not sharing the same feelings for me was/is crushing.

 

I hugged her good bye, wished her the best and made her promise me that whether it's now or years from now that she simply not just follow a stupid ideal to stay away from me in regards to having a relationship just because it sounds safe or responsible. Instead that she follows her heart and her instincts. She promised.

 

I feel like i'm dying inside right now. I had hope for a future with her again despite it not being promised. I no longer have that. Just hurt feelings.

[smudge21]

I'm impressed with the way you handled that, you should be proud. I'm sure that is something she'll remember for a long time.

 

Sadly this will hurt for a long time - accepting that something is truly over is never easy, sometimes our hearts don't let us believe what our heads tell us.

 

Obviously no contact is your only way forward now as you're well aware. It's now the time to concentrate on yourself and do whatever it is you can to bring the old you back. That will take time so don't expect over night miracles, and don't ever forget that you're not alone in how you feel.

 

Keep posting here and sharing and this place will help you get through it...

[Felixtheecat]

What's funny is that I started posting here originally right after the break up looking for answers and hope. At times I got it. I attempted no contact a few times for a month and then three weeks. I just always had hope, but after hearing her tell me that she has started dating other people it sucked the energy right out of me. Not to mention that when she talks about the prospect of being friends she seems to only think of the best of me, but when she thinks of us in another relationship all she remembers is the worst and tells me "we tried that and it didn't work".

 

The silly irony of the current state of affairs kills. The irony being that there are a few things that our future can hold: absolutely nothing, no contact ever again, a friendship (highly unlikely in my mind), or a 2nd chance at us. The path to these 3 roads is all the same at this point. Forget about her and work on myself. The choice almost seems like no choice. Obviously this choice is to avoid self ruin and grow as a person, but for all the good it does, currently the taste it leaves in my mouth is a sour one.

 

I am looking forward to posting here and being a all around contributing member. As I said, I originally came here looking for answers in a time of crisis. Now i'm just in pain and acceptance and hope to give and receive support.

[Felixtheecat]

I will also say that everyday since the break up had been an intricate step towards getting my ex back whether I spoke do her, wrote to her or did nothing at all. There was work and forethought behind all of it. Despite all the hurt i'm in, I do feel relieved that I don't have to work on that anymore. It was exhausting and I need rest from it.

[radiodarcy]

The choice almost seems like no choice. Obviously this choice is to avoid self ruin and grow as a person, but for all the good it does, currently the taste it leaves in my mouth is a sour one.

 

as someone who tried being friends with the man who dumped me for 2.5 years i feel your pain. what you said above is absolutely true. there really is no choice in this situation. the only option there is is to deal with the pain of watching them move on with someone else.

 

we either choose to stay stuck or we choose to cut that person out of our lives and move forward so we can heal. it hurts. a lot. but after 5 months of NC i can say that i am much much better off without hearing the details of his dating life. i still miss him and think about him quite a bit. but i definitely don't miss the pain of watching him move on with someone else.

[Felixtheecat]

as someone who tried being friends with the man who dumped me for 2.5 years i feel your pain. what you said above is absolutely true. there really is no choice in this situation. the only option there is is to deal with the pain of watching them move on with someone else.

 

we either choose to stay stuck or we choose to cut that person out of our lives and move forward so we can heal. it hurts. a lot. but after 5 months of NC i can say that i am much much better off without hearing the details of his dating life. i still miss him and think about him quite a bit. but i definitely don't miss the pain of watching him move on with someone else.

 

It's such a surreal situation. There is a part of me that does believe that people in our situation can most certainly be with our exes again. I know that some time down the road (presumably long) our paths (mine and my exes) could cross. In all that time the two of us could have changed, worked on ourselves and grown and developed new perspectives all while maintaining the better parts of of who we are. As a result we perhaps can have a new and in a lot of ways different relationship.

 

As discussed before though there's really no controlling the course of this future. There's just as much a chance to end up in a new relationship with another person that lasts.

 

As a result I don't dare fantasize at this point of the potential. I have some lick hope at this point merely for a happy future period. I'll be damned though if I don't feel like a confused mess. I feel like I keep reiterating the questions and answers in my head as if i'll come up with something new, but still keep coming to the same conclusion.