AppleGirl Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am the common law wife of a 38 yr old man. The early part of our relationship was dotted by his obsessive porn watching, his lying about various thing (ie. hiding porn, texting women from work and then deleting the texts so I wouldn't find out, chatting on Facebook with other women, sending flirty messages to a woman he'd previously had a relationship with, etc). We received counselling for all this and agreed to a relationship of complete honesty and full disclosure. Therefore, we each have access to each other's passwords, email accounts, computers, etc.... Things have been going smoothly for awhile now, but that all changed yesterday. I was cleaning out the basement and picked up a backpack to move it and it felt really heavy, so I opened it to see what was inside. I was shocked to find two brand new Fleshlights hidden inside. A Fleshlight is masturbation device for men, shaped like a female vagina, rectum or mouth (for those of you who have no idea what a Fleshlight is). I feel very angry that he would hide this from me, it wasn't really even the fact that he bought them but the fact that he didn't tell me about it and then hid them. I am now wondering what else he has been lying to me about and hiding from me??? I confronted him about it and he looked like a deer in the headlights. He said that he bought the Fleshlights a month before and had only used them once. He said he bought them because he often felt the need for sex more often than I do and since he "didn't want to cheat on me", he bought them. Honestly, the man wants sex every freaking day and we both work and have 5 children, three of whom are under the age of 7. We argued about it and I told him that he has broken the trust that we have rebuilt in our relationship. I feel so sad and deceived...again. Do you think anything is going on, considering what has gone on in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I really don't see the problem here. You do realize that he masturbates? How has he broken your trust. Is he cheating on you when he masturbates with these devices? You freely admit he wants sex more than you do. How else do you propose to solve this issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AppleGirl Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 That is all fine and good, but why not be upfront and honest about it instead of him going to a sex shop and not telling me about it and then bringing home his purchases and hiding it from me????? Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Perhaps he would have told you if you were the sort of woman who could handle being told without flying off the handle? Half of every honest and open relationship involves being someone who your partner feels they can tell anything to, without tempers or emotions flaring up. Link to post Share on other sites
leftfordead2 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 At least he isn't cheating on you, he wants sex more frequently than you do, what's wrong with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 That is all fine and good, but why not be upfront and honest about it instead of him going to a sex shop and not telling me about it and then bringing home his purchases and hiding it from me????? I think you are over reacting a bit.. He is just Mbating after all, nothing more. To come here and say how he broke your trust is just... an over kill in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Do you enjoy a life with loads of drama? Have you ever wondered if you get off being a victim? I'm not judging you, I'm just asking because if you do, he's the perfect man for you. And, my only suggestion, off the top of my head is: why not feed into his deep seated need to have "dirty secrets"? I mean if he's hiding the fact that he likes a fast hard, down and dirty jerk now and then, what's that say about you? Get his attention with some "secrets" of your own, then teach him how to slow down. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 That is all fine and good, but why not be upfront and honest about it instead of him going to a sex shop and not telling me about it and then bringing home his purchases and hiding it from me????? Maybe because your are a crazy, controlling, nutjob? Bottom line. Is he refusing to have sex with you? If he is then you have a problem. Also you may have a problem if he isn't enjoying sex with you as well. A woman has to be a solid turn-off to make me choose masturbation over sex. Overly controlling or emotionally abusive women are a big turn-off... along with the ones that are not good in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Maybe because your are a crazy, controlling, nutjob? Bottom line. Is he refusing to have sex with you? If he is then you have a problem. Also you may have a problem if he isn't enjoying sex with you as well. A woman has to be a solid turn-off to make me choose masturbation over sex. Overly controlling or emotionally abusive women are a big turn-off... along with the ones that are not good in bed. Define good.? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am the common law wife of a 38 yr old man. The early part of our relationship was dotted by his obsessive porn watching, his lying about various thing (ie. hiding porn, texting women from work and then deleting the texts so I wouldn't find out, chatting on Facebook with other women, sending flirty messages to a woman he'd previously had a relationship with, etc). We received counselling for all this and agreed to a relationship of complete honesty and full disclosure. Therefore, we each have access to each other's passwords, email accounts, computers, etc.... Things have been going smoothly for awhile now, but that all changed yesterday. I was cleaning out the basement and picked up a backpack to move it and it felt really heavy, so I opened it to see what was inside. I was shocked to find two brand new Fleshlights hidden inside. A Fleshlight is masturbation device for men, shaped like a female vagina, rectum or mouth (for those of you who have no idea what a Fleshlight is). I feel very angry that he would hide this from me, it wasn't really even the fact that he bought them but the fact that he didn't tell me about it and then hid them. I am now wondering what else he has been lying to me about and hiding from me??? I confronted him about it and he looked like a deer in the headlights. He said that he bought the Fleshlights a month before and had only used them once. He said he bought them because he often felt the need for sex more often than I do and since he "didn't want to cheat on me", he bought them. Honestly, the man wants sex every freaking day and we both work and have 5 children, three of whom are under the age of 7. We argued about it and I told him that he has broken the trust that we have rebuilt in our relationship. I feel so sad and deceived...again. Do you think anything is going on, considering what has gone on in the past? I don't consider that cheating. It's similar to masturbating. It's his way of getting his needs met while remaining faithful to you and not looking for sex from someone else. However, I would be concerned about his overall behavior in the past. It sounds like he has this huge need and is going to have trouble containing it. I'm concerned of how he will react if your relationship starts to deteriorate. If he had so much trouble controlling his behavior when your relationship was good, how is he going to be when it has trouble spots? Most relationships go through ups and downs, good times and bad times. Some people use the bad times or down times as an excuse to stray. While I wouldn't be overly concerned about the fleshlight per se, I would be concerned about the overall character of the guy. Doesn't sound like someone that can be trusted for the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Define good.? Everyone has their own criteria, but there are some strong trends. If it feels like making love to a corpse that's bad.... if she is so freaky she tries to jam something up your butt during climax... that's bad. It really doesn't take much more than conversation and practice to figure out what a guy or girl likes. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts