Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am just wondering about this and how to handle it in the future. My ex bf used to make subtle comments about me being fat. He never said anything directly, but he was constantly suggesting that I start going to the gym or take up a sport (under the disguise that we should both be more active). He would also say that *he* really needs to lose weight all the time. He doesn't, he is not even remotely overweight. Then he would say things like "my brother thinks you should join the gym". The worst comment he ever made (when I got hurt but didn't tell him) was "I think that we should both drop some weight before going to meet my parents. They are highly critical." Again - this is ridiculous as he doesn't really need to lose any weight, so he really meant just me. I want to take this weight issue as a separate entity and see what people think of above comments. I felt like they were borderline hurtful. The thing is, I DO need to drop at least 15lbs to look better. I have a mirror and I know this. So he was just stating the obvious. On the other hand, was it really his place to make those comments? Especially since I haven't gained a pound during our relationship...so he kind of signed up for it. And then progressively relaxed with those comments as the relationship progressed. I am just wondering if people see that as jerk-like behavior - even if his comments were kind of indirect. Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 If you had not gained weight while together, I think it's pretty nervy of him to suggest you lose weight, given you weigh the exact same as you did when you first met. That's like having a preference for blondes, but dating a brunette, and then wanting her to change her hair color to blonde. I feel like we should want to do things to please our partner, if he likes a woman in a dress, asking his lady to wear a dress is perfectly reasonable, and you should want to wear things that he finds sexy/attractive. At the same time, we want or partner to love and accept us "as is". So, it's a delicate balance and I think in this case -----> asking you to join a gym with him, would have been a better way to suggest/approach it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 On other hand, he would constantly tell me how beautiful I am and how much I turn him on. It also never reflected in his desire to have sex with me (he was all over me constantly). Now looking back, those comments were kind of bad, especially about dropping the weight before meeting his parents. I was just telling this story to a friend and she told me that it was pretty insensitive and horrible thing to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 There is an entire 24 pages on this topic here. In comparison, I think your boyfriend approached you in one of the nicest ways he could think. Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 On other hand, he would constantly tell me how beautiful I am and how much I turn him on. It also never reflected in his desire to have sex with me (he was all over me constantly). Now looking back, those comments were kind of bad, especially about dropping the weight before meeting his parents. I was just telling this story to a friend and she told me that it was pretty insensitive and horrible thing to say. Unfortunately, insensitivity (whether intentional or not), will always exist. The dislike of your current weight, isn't so much about you, but about the person who said it. So, it's up to us, to try to understand where it is coming from... Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Some of the comments, like about having to drop weight before meeting his parents, were rude. But the other ones about the gym, IMO, were at least trying to be considerate as he wasn't singling you out at all--he was putting focus on himself too. Just because you didn't think he needed to lose weight doesn't mean he thought the same. So next time anything like that happens, try to take it in stride if the guy isn't singling you out. BF and I have dealt with this sort of thing. I'm at my heaviest weight ever, though still rather slim. I actually would like to drop a few pounds but I'm really lazy about exercise, and I still sometimes indulge in ice cream despite my pledge to cut out dairy. Whenever he goes to the gym he tries to get me to go with him but I never want to. I know he thinks I don't pay attention to what's going on inside my body nearly as much as the surface, and it's true--I don't. I just ask him to lay off and I'll do it on my own timetable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 There is an entire 24 pages on this topic here. In comparison, I think your boyfriend approached you in one of the nicest ways he could think. I guess i don't get why he even asked me out if my weight bothered him. It's not like I gained any later. I had a firm plan to lose the weight myself but when he would say those things, it made me want to deliberately not lose weight. Now that we are over, I am going to lose the weight for myself Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Why is anything that guy said during your relationship an issue now? He's out of your life. From what you've shared with us, he was 100% looser doucheguy. I'm sure you can continue to trot out lots and lots of things he said and did that were bad until the end of time. What for? If you were still together, I can understand why these comments could be valid to think, talk with your friends, and start threads about. As it stands - what a waste of time. Your body size, fitness level, etc. is nobody's business but your own today. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 There is an entire 24 pages on this topic here. In comparison, I think your boyfriend approached you in one of the nicest ways he could think. I remember that thread. So happy I exited it when I did. OP, this is another example of incompatible styles. As an example, I couldn't imagine being with a person who felt they had to modify their (and my) physical appearance just to 'meet their parents'. I couldn't imagine having a healthy relationship with my parents (deceased) if they required such critical criteria for an audience. In my world, there would be a whole pack of disconnected people and my life would go on in a healthy and pleasant way. Life is way too short for such incompatibilities IMO. Your story is why I always opine that time reveals all truths. For some, it's a pleasant progression; for others, a shocking revelation. Each path is different. When they match up, then a healthy relationship can occur. Sorry yours didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 ES, you admitted to laying alllllll of your insecurities out on the table with your ex. I am certain that in laying out alllllll of those insecurities, you included the fact that YOU wanted to lose weight to look and feel better. I don't know a woman on earth who feels a little chubby/thick who doesn't groan about such things to their SO, even if only fishing for compliments. Under those circumstances, your ex chiming in, "Maybe we/you should go to the gym," but also telling you how beautiful he thought you were, isn't rude. He's problem solving. That's what men do when presented with a complaint. As for the before-meeting parents stuff, I have no idea. We all want approval from out parents, and I recall telling Skiman what to wear when he met my mother so he "wouldn't look like a ski bum." You have to take these things in context and understand the person's intention. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 If you had not gained weight while together, I think it's pretty nervy of him to suggest you lose weight, given you weigh the exact same as you did when you first met. That's like having a preference for blondes, but dating a brunette, and then wanting her to change her hair color to blonde. I feel like we should want to do things to please our partner, if he likes a woman in a dress, asking his lady to wear a dress is perfectly reasonable, and you should want to wear things that he finds sexy/attractive. At the same time, we want or partner to love and accept us "as is". So, it's a delicate balance and I think in this case -----> asking you to join a gym with him, would have been a better way to suggest/approach it. I guess i don't get why he even asked me out if my weight bothered him. It's not like I gained any later. I had a firm plan to lose the weight myself but when he would say those things, it made me want to deliberately not lose weight. Now that we are over, I am going to lose the weight for myself Uh, if a woman has a good personality, fun to be with, is attractive; being a little heavy will not be enough of a reason to not date her. I would not be surprised at all if from the day he met you he thought to himself, she's a great girl but she's a little heavy. I think it's perfectly reasonable for a guy to want his girl to lose some weight. You even admited to wanting to lose some weight so what is the problem? As for the way he told you, suggesting that you go to the gym together, that he wants to lose weight; that is exactly how people have told male posters to tell their SO's that they want her to lose weight. BTW, don't tell me that women have never tried to change their male SO's. Link to post Share on other sites
torn_curtain Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I seem to be in the minority on this but if a partner had a problem with my weight I'd rather he be direct about it than hint around. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I think direct is a good approach. I found the largest impediment to direct for myself in the past was fear of loss. Once over that hump, I see the health in direct. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Uh, if a woman has a good personality, fun to be with, is attractive; being a little heavy will not be enough of a reason to not date her. I would not be surprised at all if from the day he met you he thought to himself, she's a great girl but she's a little heavy. I think it's perfectly reasonable for a guy to want his girl to lose some weight. You even admited to wanting to lose some weight so what is the problem? As for the way he told you, suggesting that you go to the gym together, that he wants to lose weight; that is exactly how people have told male posters to tell their SO's that they want her to lose weight. BTW, don't tell me that women have never tried to change their male SO's. I dunno, I do think both men and women should not try to change aspects of their SOs that were there when they started dating. I'm sure it's something we're all guilty of, but I don't think it's something I'd encourage. I would look very warily at a guy who tried to change things about me - one thing is okay, sure, but they do tend to pile up. One should not get with someone expecting them to change for them. Those suggestions were aimed at the men whose gfs gained weight while they were together. That is quite different. From the stats the OP has given us, as well, I would not call her 'heavy'. IIRC she is in the normal BMI range (and is not an athlete nor has an unusual body build, so BMI works for her). Link to post Share on other sites
JHS Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You say that the comments were hurtful, would you rather he just dumped you for what he saw as an ongoing problem? Maybe he kept dropping hints because you weren't taking them - did you join the gym, etc? I am not super concerned about weight but if my lover said something, I would surely work on that and show some results and thank her for motivating me rather than sulk about it. (Off topic: I find that people take weight comments way too sensitively. I see that as something that can be addressed and changed - like a haircut, or an hygiene issue. I learned this when I crossed a line with a neighbor who, literally, is eating himself to death. After helping him shop (because he couldn't walk, doing many favors for him, spending much time listening to his many gripes about his health and how it was everyone else's fault) I once said to him that it wouldn't kill him to skip a meal. He didn't talk to me for 6 months. ) Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am just wondering about this and how to handle it in the future. My ex bf used to make subtle comments about me being fat. He never said anything directly, but he was constantly suggesting that I start going to the gym or take up a sport (under the disguise that we should both be more active). He would also say that *he* really needs to lose weight all the time. He doesn't, he is not even remotely overweight. Then he would say things like "my brother thinks you should join the gym". The worst comment he ever made (when I got hurt but didn't tell him) was "I think that we should both drop some weight before going to meet my parents. They are highly critical." Again - this is ridiculous as he doesn't really need to lose any weight, so he really meant just me. I want to take this weight issue as a separate entity and see what people think of above comments. I felt like they were borderline hurtful. The thing is, I DO need to drop at least 15lbs to look better. I have a mirror and I know this. So he was just stating the obvious. On the other hand, was it really his place to make those comments? Especially since I haven't gained a pound during our relationship...so he kind of signed up for it. And then progressively relaxed with those comments as the relationship progressed. I am just wondering if people see that as jerk-like behavior - even if his comments were kind of indirect. I think it's not fair or wise for a person to knowingly date or marry someone with the idea that they are going to change them. I think people are responsible for their own fitness and weight, and shouldn't be nagged about it by their SO. I think people have no right to expect someone to change their weight if they've always had an issue with their weight. I don't think people should try to take any responsibility for someone else's weight, and that it does put a strain on a relationship if they try. I think if a person marries someone that is in good shape, but the spouse then goes on to become fat or obese, then he does have a right to express his wish that the spouse would do something about the extra weight. I think a person has an obligation to their spouse to not let themselves go and not become fat or obese, thinking that the spouse should be OK with that. I think your bf should get off your case. He knew your body size when he decided to date you. To try to change you now or nag or hint you into losing weight is not fair under the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) He didn't really sign up for it because you weren't naked when you met him. He saw you naked and then wasn't attracted as much. Just hit the gym and eat healthily and drop the extra weight. You'll open the pool of men you have to choose from. You should be happy to have a male perspective, to see how you are really viewed by guys. You do say he is all over you, but really he isn't as hot for you as he could be, and as hot for other women who aren't chubby. That's what he is saying. Edited August 9, 2011 by Hot Chick Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I'll say it again, just because a woman has a few extra pounds is not a reason to not date her if she is otherwise a great person. So from the very beginning the guy could be wishing that she didn't have the extra pounds. And when the relationship is in effect, he's going to try and get her to lose the weight so he can be more attracted to her. Only the shallowest man would not date a woman because she could lose 10 pounds. That's ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Only the shallowest man would not date a woman because she could lose 10 pounds. That's ridiculous. About a month ago, a guy I went on one date with waaaaay back in November-ish told me just that. He came out of nowhere texting me (still don't know why), acting like he didn't know whose number it was in his phone. Long story short, I reminded him of our date, and he said that we would have had a second date if I had been 10 pounds lighter! Can you believe that?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 About a month ago, a guy I went on one date with waaaaay back in November-ish told me just that. He came out of nowhere texting me (still don't know why), acting like he didn't know whose number it was in his phone. Long story short, I reminded him of our date, and he said that we would have had a second date if I had been 10 pounds lighter! Can you believe that?!?! LOL Never mind, guys with no tact do exist. And over half a year later. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 You say that the comments were hurtful, would you rather he just dumped you for what he saw as an ongoing problem? Maybe he kept dropping hints because you weren't taking them - did you join the gym, etc? ... if my lover said something, I would surely work on that and show some results and thank her for motivating me rather than sulk about it. Exactly. It's not like he was telling her to do something dangerous or unhealthy. People just like to make excuses and play the victim. No one wants to accept responsibility for their choices these days. If a man had posted the same thing, the replies would have been far different. The easiest way to expand your dating pool is to improve your physical appearance. Physical attraction is the difference between a friend and a lover. Get over it! Link to post Share on other sites
CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I am just wondering about this and how to handle it in the future. My ex bf used to make subtle comments about me being fat. He never said anything directly, but he was constantly suggesting that I start going to the gym or take up a sport (under the disguise that we should both be more active). He would also say that *he* really needs to lose weight all the time. He doesn't, he is not even remotely overweight. Then he would say things like "my brother thinks you should join the gym". The worst comment he ever made (when I got hurt but didn't tell him) was "I think that we should both drop some weight before going to meet my parents. They are highly critical." Again - this is ridiculous as he doesn't really need to lose any weight, so he really meant just me. I want to take this weight issue as a separate entity and see what people think of above comments. I felt like they were borderline hurtful. The thing is, I DO need to drop at least 15lbs to look better. I have a mirror and I know this. So he was just stating the obvious. On the other hand, was it really his place to make those comments? Especially since I haven't gained a pound during our relationship...so he kind of signed up for it. And then progressively relaxed with those comments as the relationship progressed. I am just wondering if people see that as jerk-like behavior - even if his comments were kind of indirect. He sounds like a TOOL. He should love you for who you are. UNLESS you are highly unhealthy and than it becomes a matter of concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 Honestly, in the future I would much rather someone doesn't date me at all if they think that I am chubby or not that attractive.... And those comments never make me want to lose the weight...in fact it's the opposite, they make me want to lose the guy. I would feel differently if I were in a relationship and gained weight. Link to post Share on other sites
CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Honestly, in the future I would much rather someone doesn't date me at all if they think that I am chubby or not that attractive.... And those comments never make me want to lose the weight...in fact it's the opposite, they make me want to lose the guy. I would feel differently if I were in a relationship and gained weight. Totally agree. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Honestly, in the future I would much rather someone doesn't date me at all if they think that I am chubby or not that attractive.... You're overreacting. Just because a guy wants you to lose a few pounds doesn't mean he thinks you're chubby or unattractive. And those comments never make me want to lose the weight...in fact it's the opposite, they make me want to lose the guy. What comments would make you want to lose the weight? Link to post Share on other sites
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