When your SO makes subtle comments that you need to lose weight

[Cracker Jack]

I've never highlighted the word massive. I did, however, post the dictionary definition of big-boned. Dictionaries exist, in part, to provide universal agreement on a word's meaning. Unfortunately, you can't just choose your own definition and then hide behind it when you've insulted someone. As it is, you appear to be one of only two people in this thread who do not know what BBW stands for. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bbws

 

I know you're referring to me.

 

I'll admit, I didn't Google it, and simply went off (read it somewhere else awhile back) memory and thought it was correct. Anyhoo, sorry for starting an unnecessary debate pages later over this, tho.

[Mme. Chaucer]

As far as I'm concerned, ES always looks like a smokin' hot babe in the pictures I've seen, though I would not sport the same style if I had those looks. Just my opinion.

 

Regardless, I think it's hilarious that

 

We are all participating in a thread about whether or not something her real or imaginary ex or secretly current boyfriend maybe did say or didn't say, or perhaps said under persistent badgering, should or should not be hurtful in retrospect, and whether she should plan to be hurt should any potential boyfriends in the present or future say similar things to her going forward.

 

???

 

And ES is probably enjoying her popcorn.

[Star Gazer]

I wonder how you would feel if, after posting your pictures, posters came along and shared uncomplimentary and inaccurate comparisons?

 

Well, let's see... it's happened many times before. I have pictures up for half of LS to see, so that folks can put a name with a face/body. They can say whatever they want.

 

But really, if someone (in this case, ES) says, "I need/want to lose weight," is it REALLY that bad to tell the person that they merely appear BIG BONED and that they can make more flattering clothing choices??? Because THAT IS WHAT I DID.

 

Did I ever once call her fat? NOPE.

 

Big boned, people. Big whop. I am big boned and have very little body fat. So no, if someone called me big boned, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

 

If I was small boned and the weight I am now, I'd have a pretty fat problem on my hands. Like I said, it would be a GOOD thing for ES to be big boned at her size, rather than small boned, because if she's small boned at that size, she'd have to be carrying a lot of extra weight (fat) around.

[Star Gazer]

Oh, SG. Would you care to explain how you feel the former is an order worth taking offense to, and the latter merely an opinion? I frankly don't know anyone else who would consider the former worse than the latter (in fact, I think the former is a pretty common thing to say to people when they misinterpret common terms), so I hope you'll enlighten me.

 

You're right. I did "order" her to get over it. That was more of an expression of exasperation than a direct order, and I think you know that and are mincing words for some really bizarre purpose.

 

That said, no, I will not "enlighten" you about anything having go do with my interaction with a poster that is neither you or the OP. You are taking this entire thread so far off topic, it's ridiculous.

[Star Gazer]

You can't just choose your own definition and then hide behind it when you've insulted someone. As it is, you appear to be one of only two people in this thread who do not know what BBW stands for.

 

How exactly did I insult her? By calling her big boned? Why do you think that's an insult?

 

I did not know what BBW meant, zengirl did not know, Cracker Jack did not know, and I'm sure others didn't know either. When the definition was PRESENTED IN THIS THREAD as meaning big boned, I used it. I used that very definition in my posts. I didn't say "ES is BBW," leaving interpretation up to the masses of what I meant by BBW. Nope. I said, "If BBW means Big Boned Woman, then that fits ES."

 

It's no different than had I said, "If BBW means Blonde Busty Woman, that fits ES." Or "If BBW means Bright Blue-eyed Woman, that fits ES."

 

How I was describing her was always perfectly clear.

[Star Gazer]

As far as I'm concerned, ES always looks like a smokin' hot babe in the pictures I've seen, though I would not sport the same style if I had those looks. Just my opinion.

 

Regardless, I think it's hilarious that

 

We are all participating in a thread about whether or not something her real or imaginary ex or secretly current boyfriend maybe did say or didn't say, or perhaps said under persistent badgering, should or should not be hurtful in retrospect, and whether she should plan to be hurt should any potential boyfriends in the present or future say similar things to her going forward.

 

???

 

And ES is probably enjoying her popcorn.

 

Well, ya know what? I actually understand why she may be doing this.

 

(I'm going to assume for a minute that she's not seeking validation.)

 

I may regret saying this later, but...

 

Personally, I think doing a post mortum on her longest relationship is actually a good thing. I realize it may just keep her focused on this guy (for a while, anyway), but she can't figure out where she wants to go without reflecting on where she's been. She can't figure out what doesn't work for her, without reflecting on something that bothered her and figuring out why it did and whether her feelings about it were justified. Sh*t, I STILL have moments of lucidity over Skiman...little revelations of things that once upon a time made me feel a little uneasy but I wasn't quite sure why. It's only through doing those mental post mortums/reflections that I've been able to better assess what I really need to thrive in a relationship.

 

So, in that sense, IF that's her intent - to improve her man-picking/staying skills - then I think it's fabulous.

 

On the other hand, she's still relying too much on external influences to shape her self-concept. She's someone who deals with a lot of insecurity, but yet also seems to have a difficult time rationalizing whether something should even bother her or trigger an insecurity to begin with. (We've seen a lot of this in the form of, "This didn't bother me, but I mentioned it to my friends and they all think I should be mad.") So she's presenting things he said to LS, to yet again see if the average Jane Doe would take offense.

 

If something doesn't bother her to begin with, whether that be a behavior or her dress size, I'd like to see her become firmer in her own conviction. She should keep an open mind, but not be so wushu washy depending on feedback she gets. Problem is, I don't what to suggest to help her make that happen.

[Nexus One]

I'm not sure I always buy the "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned" theory that a lot of people seem to use. (in general)

 

Whenever I lose weight and don't do fitness and don't drink protein shakes to counter loss of muscle tissue, then I've always noticed my bone frame shrank somewhat. I didn't shrink in height of course, but my frame did get more slender. It's like the frame of the body "inflates" when gaining weight and "deflates" when losing it. That's why I've always found the big-boned theory that people tend to mention to be somewhat shaky. Sure I believe there are people out there with really big bones, but I suspect it to be a far more rare phenomenon/condition than many people say it is.

 

Another thing is that people's bones will protrude at a lower weight, but in my opinion that can aesthetically be favorable, as I've always been of the opinion that the lines of a beautiful body are created by muscle definition and bone definition and cartilage definition. But then again I'm biased, as (in the physical sense) I prefer slender/lean women, so take that for how much it's worth.

 

When health is not a concern, then do what makes you happy. In the end it's all superficial, but we can't deny that the aesthetics of it all doesn't have an effect on a lot of people due to the fact that our biology is involved.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Nexus One

[oaks]

As far as I'm concerned, ES always looks like a smokin' hot babe in the pictures I've seen,

 

Agreed.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not sure I buy the "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned" theory that a lot of people seem to use. (in general)

 

Whenever I lose weight and don't do fitness and don't drink protein shakes to counter loss of muscle tissue, then I've always noticed my bone frame shrank somewhat. I didn't shrink in height of course, but my frame did get more slender. It's like the frame of the body "inflates" when gaining weight and "deflates" when losing it. That's why I've always found the big-boned theory that people tend to mention to be somewhat shaky. Sure I believe there are people out there with really big bones, but I believe it to be a far more rare phenomenon/condition than many people say it is.

 

A person's frame (their bones) does not "inflate" or "deflate." Other than a decrease in bone density due to old age or osteoporosis, a person's frame/bones remain the same, regardless of whether fat or muscle is gained or lost.

 

Female skeletons of the same height will weigh different amounts due to frame/bone size.

 

A small framed/boned woman who's 5'8" (I think that's what ES is) who is 25% body fat will be physically smaller than the same 5'8" woman who's 25% body fat but is large framed/big boned.

 

Put another way, on average, two women of the same physical size with different frames (for example, one small, one large) will carry their weight very differently. A smaller framed woman who's the same physical size as a large framed woman will most likely have more body fat, and the larger framed woman will appear leaner - or as you put it, more aesthetically pleasing.

[zengirl]

Frame sizes really do vary (my best friend is nowhere near fat and probably in WAY better shape than I am, but she could never in a million years come close to fitting into my clothes, because she has way bigger bones than I do), whatever y'all want to call it, but the whole "big boned" thing seems like a pissing contest to me rather than anyone really trying to distinguish frames at this point, so whatever. And I've seen places where BBW can mean "big black woman", "big beautiful woman", or "big boned woman." Perhaps it's just a bad acronym.

 

What I find amusing is ES has essentially created a thread where decorum is impossible unless you do exactly what she wants which is give her blind validation: she's called herself larger than she should be, and thus it's rude to disagree with her (as it's rude to say anyone needs to lose weight). I imagine she did essentially the same thing to her BF. Many times.

 

In all honesty, I would want my GF, no matter what her weight and level of fitness, to work out at the gym with me. There are many benefits to exercising. If she doesn't like the gym then we could go running, swimming or bike riding.

 

My Dad got my Stepmom into cycling and now she regularly does an hour long bike ride to and from work.

 

Good for you, but then try to date a girl who's also already into those things. I work out (intense, short strength/cardio workouts, kind of like the Shred but harder and I do yoga---mostly at home), but I do so begrudgingly and for the health and chemical benefits. (I do hike occasionally for fun, but only mountains---and I've climbed some big ones---if it doesn't have a peak, I've no interest in walking it unless it's literally for transportation's sake). I'll never ever run, and I'll never go to the gym again. And I've no interest in an exercise buddy. I don't understand why people run around sweaty. Hence: I don't date those guys. It's like any other hobby; the person likes it or they don't.

 

I think if anyone is going to change anything, they should do it for themselves. Changing for someone else is only going to breed resentment and it's a surefire way to be railroaded while in a relationship.

 

Of course. I think that's just plainly true overall. However, don't go around complaining about things you want to change to other people if you don't want them commenting on it!

[somedude81]

Good for you, but then try to date a girl who's also already into those things. I work out (intense, short strength/cardio workouts, kind of like the Shred but harder and I do yoga---mostly at home), but I do so begrudgingly and for the health and chemical benefits. (I do hike occasionally for fun, but only mountains---and I've climbed some big ones---if it doesn't have a peak, I've no interest in walking it unless it's literally for transportation's sake). I'll never ever run, and I'll never go to the gym again. And I've no interest in an exercise buddy. I don't understand why people run around sweaty. Hence: I don't date those guys. It's like any other hobby; the person likes it or they don't.

As hard as it is for me to get a girl, I can't pick and choose to only date girls who's already into those things.

 

In your case you already have something you do for fitness and that's perfectly fine.

 

If the girl I end up dating doesn't do anything at all. I'd present her with several options that she can do with me. As you said, there are health and chemical benefits. I'm sure every girl can find at least one thing that she'd not hate doing.

[tigressA]

If the girl I end up dating doesn't do anything at all. I'd present her with several options that she can do with me. As you said, there are health and chemical benefits. I'm sure every girl can find at least one thing that she'd not hate doing.

 

I think this is generally true. I refuse to go to the gym or go running as I can't stand either, but I do like biking and walking. When my BF goes out for a run I tag along on my bike.

[Star Gazer]

What I find amusing is ES has essentially created a thread where decorum is impossible unless you do exactly what she wants which is give her blind validation: she's called herself larger than she should be, and thus it's rude to disagree with her (as it's rude to say anyone needs to lose weight).

 

Yes, but she actually got mad at someone who AGREED with her, as did two others.

[Star Gazer]

If the girl I end up dating doesn't do anything at all. I'd present her with several options that she can do with me. As you said, there are health and chemical benefits. I'm sure every girl can find at least one thing that she'd not hate doing.

 

Not to mention, exercising with your SO - in whatever form - is FUN!

[zengirl]

Yes, but she actually got mad at someone who AGREED with her, as did two others.

 

I meant to write "agree" there, FTR. She posed a comment where it was rude to agree with her, and she wanted disagreement and validation. I actually only remember what her face (which is quite nice) looks like. So I don't know if she's big or not, honestly. Nor do I think that's what I'd worry about if I were ES.

[Nexus One]

A person's frame (their bones) does not "inflate" or "deflate."

 

http://bit.ly/oaXEw8

 

Other than a decrease in bone density due to old age or osteoporosis, a person's frame/bones remain the same, regardless of whether fat or muscle is gained or lost.

 

People who engage in sports a lot, especially runners, develop lighter bones. There's scientific data that backs this up. The same happens in pretty much all animals that have legs and run a lot. Animals that run a lot will develop a lighter bone material than a specimen of the same species that doesn't run a lot. Micro-cavities will form in the bone that makes it lighter instead of it being a solid mass at microscopic level. Imagine the structure of a bee hive with the hexagon holes in it, instead of it being one solid mass it's structured and lighter than if it would be a solid mass of wax, yet it's strong. A similar principle applies to bones of creatures that run a lot, making them faster and more agile.

Edited August 10, 2011 by Nexus One

[zengirl]

Not to mention, exercising with your SO - in whatever form - is FUN!

 

To some people.

 

In most cases, I'd rather my BF not see me sweaty unless I have my clothes off. Mileage may vary, but I really have no desire to exercise with my BF, excepting perhaps backpacking through a country or hiking a really cool mountain on vacation, which is less about the exercise itself (for me) and more about the journey. If some guy wants to play sports or bike with his girl, he's definitely not the guy for me. I do exercise but NEVER with my BF and I never want to. I consider it neither fun, nor a social activity.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

(I'm going to assume for a minute that she's not seeking validation.)

 

Also, I assume we'd be assuming that the whole ordeal was not some clumsily wrought fiction ...

 

 

Personally, I think doing a post mortum on her longest relationship is actually a good thing. I realize it may just keep her focused on this guy (for a while, anyway), but she can't figure out where she wants to go without reflecting on where she's been. She can't figure out what doesn't work for her, without reflecting on something that bothered her and figuring out why it did and whether her feelings about it were justified. Sh*t, I STILL have moments of lucidity over Skiman...little revelations of things that once upon a time made me feel a little uneasy but I wasn't quite sure why. It's only through doing those mental post mortums/reflections that I've been able to better assess what I really need to thrive in a relationship.

 

So, in that sense, IF that's her intent - to improve her man-picking/staying skills - then I think it's fabulous.

 

Well ... assuming what I posted above, I might agree with you if the "post mortum" were focussed upon herself. I saw a glimpse of that in the thread about the warning to girls and boys not to let their insecurities run amok in relationships.

 

On the other hand, if the post mortum's focus is to discover and reveal all the myriad ways that the former object of love was, in fact, a horrible mean villain - then I think it would be best to let the dead rest in peace. As it were. Assuming it all really happened in a somewhat similar way to what was described here.

[oaks]

Assuming it all really happened in a somewhat similar way to what was described here.

 

You've alluded to this several times. I get it; you think she's making it all up. Why not just say that?

[threebyfate]

ES looks like she has less fat content on her body than some of her critics. *shrugs*

 

ES, you know your ex is a dud. Try not to put too much energy into him anymore. He's gone so it's time to keep him gone.

[zengirl]

You've alluded to this several times. I get it; you think she's making it all up. Why not just say that?

 

Technically, I'm pretty sure Mme. Chaucer DID just say that, several pages ago. I'm not saying I agree with her, but she hasn't exactly been coy.

[oaks]

Technically, I'm pretty sure Mme. Chaucer DID just say that, several pages ago. I'm not saying I agree with her, but she hasn't exactly been coy.

 

Oops. I guess I missed that. My bad.

[Star Gazer]

ES looks like she has less fat content on her body than some of her critics. *shrugs*

 

:lmao:

 

Nice try!!!

[Star Gazer]

Well ... assuming what I posted above, I might agree with you if the "post mortum" were focussed upon herself. I saw a glimpse of that in the thread about the warning to girls and boys not to let their insecurities run amok in relationships.

 

On the other hand, if the post mortum's focus is to discover and reveal all the myriad ways that the former object of love was, in fact, a horrible mean villain - then I think it would be best to let the dead rest in peace. As it were. Assuming it all really happened in a somewhat similar way to what was described here.

 

I do see your point, and I agree... That's partly what I meant when I said I'm assuming she's not seeking validation - not only of herself, but her posture that it's all his fault, he's evil, etc.

 

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt...

[zengirl]

ES looks like she has less fat content on her body than some of her critics. *shrugs*

 

You mean, herself? She's the one saying she has weight issues. . . It's not like someone else made a thread, "ES needs to lose 15 pounds."

 

I do agree there's no point in putting energy into anything bad, real or imagined, her ex may have done. But perhaps ES should not go around with the idea in her head and especially TELLING people she has weight issues. . . if she doesn't want people to think maybe she's right and she could afford to lose a few. (Again, I can't think what she looks like, and said pictures aren't up, so I really don't even know if said 15 pounds of overweight-ness are fictional or real.)