When your SO makes subtle comments that you need to lose weight

[dispatch3d]

Maybe it's a signal that you need to stop your moaning and whining and get your ass on the treadmill ;-).

 

Whatup! hahaha

[dispatch3d]

holy crap star gazer and three by fate are startin a romantic novel in this thread hahaha.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I got a vibe from you that you were a member of some religious group like Scientology or something. Are you? Members of that sect give off a very similar vibe that you gave off in your replies, i.e. reacting very heavily and exaggerating while being unrelenting. The barrages keep coming and often in short bursts to evoke long defenses from other members, not to prove them wrong, because the arguments are too weak, but to wear them out. As if you're using some tactic used by some religious groups to defend their religion or to convert other people.

 

I'm not saying that's the case....I'm saying that's the vibe you gave off. And I sensed that without knowing jack sh*t about you. So tell me, are you religious and what religion do you practice? And don't give me the "that's not relevant" bullsh*t, because if you're going to accuse me of abuse and the enabling thereof, then I want to get to the bottom of your motivation. Because I sense some major bullsh*t here and I don't want to be at the receiving end of some (brainwashed) member of some cult, neither do I wish that upon others. If you are f*cking with us and using tactics taught in your religious sect, then I'm prepared to call you out on it.

 

Me, too. The entire barrage just reeks of an agenda. A really creepy one.

 

I am getting really offended by the constant "ABUSE" of the term / concept of ABUSE here.

[Kelemort]

Total jack-ass. And 15 pounds to lose is nothing in the grand scheme of things - for one there are several studies indicating that women who are 10-15 pounds overweight have nothing to worry about health-wise...the health effect is practically negligible as long as she eats right and exercises (if you're even considered 'overweight' since the 'normal' BMI/body fat range is so wide).

 

I have been on the receiving end of, "I'd like if we were more active." But I've lost 25 pounds and have fairly healthy eating/exercising habits now, so no one really says anything anymore. In my experience, it's fair for a person to make comments like:

 

1.) "I want us to be more active. Would you want to go to the gym with me this weekend?"

2.) "I'd like for us to start eating healthier. How about I make asparagus to go along with that chicken?"

 

These are nice, sensitive comments to make - and he's jumping on board with you. I think it's INCREDIBLY insensitive for a man who sits on his butt - who may or may not be mildly overweight himself - to tell you his parents are critical so you need to drop weight, "so-and-so says you need to get to a gym," etc, telling you that you need to exercise, is just a bunch of jerk moves. His heart may be in the right place but his execution was wrong, wrong, wrong. Did he also comment on what you were eating? Also a no-no.

 

You get what you get from the start of dating. If you start dating a girl and she REALLY lets herself go (I don't mean 10 pounds and stabilizing), but she goes from an active, healthy life to sitting around all the time, gaining 20 or more pounds...and she has no medical explanation for it (i.e., medications or illnesses), it is time to join the bandwagon and figure out ways that YOU can help her. That means if she's on a diet, it's only the polite thing to do to clean up your act too.

 

It's VERY easy for a boyfriend to tell his girlfriend, "You need to drop some weight." It's another thing entirely for him to go along with the lifestyle.

 

I had an ex-boyfriend who was constantly pushing me to go running. Not him - me. He had gained 40 - 50 pounds during our relationship. I gained less than 20. Yet I was the one who needed to go for a run.

 

Current s/o made comments about some of the food I ate and told me he'd like for me to eat healthier. I told him if he made one more comment about what I was eating, he was out. He'd known for a good year how I ate and he knew what he was getting himself into - we were "pre-dating" for several months as it was, where he had ample opportunity to see how I ate. If it bothered him so much, he should've bailed then. He never made another comment about my weight.

 

I have NEVER started losing weight because of what a boyfriend said about my body, because of him telling me others said I needed to lose weight, etc. That kind of pressure just made me feel even more depressed about myself, which made me want to go for pie even MORE. I always started losing weight because I saw myself in the mirror, and that was enough.

 

For the record, my current s/o never says anything negative about my body anymore. If he sees I'm losing weight, he'll compliment me. He's now about 10 - 20 pounds overweight himself..he's got an obvious belly. He's never been the type to work out. He came with me to the gym ONCE and walked on the treadmill for less than 5 minutes. He saw how strenuously I was working out and compliments me on my dedication to eating right.

 

He knows he's a hypocrite, at least. He's talked the talk in the past but he doesn't have a CLUE about losing weight, and he admits that now. He doesn't push it anymore. Eating and exercising to maintain your weight and eating and exercising to lose weight are two different things. Unfortunately, any guy who's even remotely in shape thinks he's an expert on losing weight.

 

Edit: Someone else advocated outright saying, "I want you to lose some weight" or "This is my body type preference." This is probably the worst advice I've ever read. I have been told this and the only thing it does is cause your self-esteem to TANK. You think you're all hot to your boyfriend,and then he comes up to you and says, "Sorry, this is the body type I prefer. I want you to lose weight." This is especially difficult for those of us who are never going to be that ideal - I know that my partner's preference is a 5'5" girl between 115 and 130 pounds.

 

Given my current body fat percentage, height, and my desired body fat percentage - I'm supposed to weigh between 180 and 190 pounds. No matter how much I diet, I am never going to reach 130 pounds. A partner telling you outright "You aren't good enough" is unnecessarily hurtful. For a long time, it killed my sex drive and I would avoid intimate encounters with my s/o because I didn't want him to see my body. He hurt me so badly that I felt absolutely ashamed about getting naked, like he was just giving me pity sex because I was his girlfriend - not because he was attracted to me.

 

No. The best solution remains, "Let's go play basketball this weekend," or "Let's get some healthier food in here. Let's have nonfat yogurt instead of pudding." You start incorporating healthy practices into your lives without making personal judgments, like "You're a fat hog and you need to diet." That's only going to accomplish wavering self-confidence, self-esteem, and it's only going to come back to haunt the GUY later. People rarely know how to directly say something TACTFULLY, and that's going to make it even worse. She WILL remember it even after she dumps the weight, and she may remember it enough to DUMP YOU for being insensitive about it.

 

If she doesn't want to exercise or diet after a boyfriend's hints, she's probably not going to want to work out anymore if he tells her she's fat. It's only going to build up resentment on her side. She MAY start working out to get a good body just to spite him, at which point she'll probably dump him if he's that much of a jerk about her weight.

Edited August 14, 2011 by Kelemort

[sweetjasmine]

Only her threads come out "this way." It almost seems engineered. Ever notice that? No one else on LS garners such a strong response, one way or another. If there's power on LS, she's really the one who has it.

 

Apologies for digging up something a couple pages back, but this is a point worth repeating. These threads are always the longest on LS, and I can't think of any single poster who consistently gets this much attention from so many people. If she truly felt bullied and disliked it, I think she would've stopped posting by now, but she's obviously still getting something out of sharing her life on here. It makes me wonder whether she gets off on shoving her buttons in the forum's face and waiting for people to start pushing them so she can enjoy being the victim.

 

A lot of these threads are really massive sh-t tests. Saying "I need to lose weight" and putting up pictures for people to comment on in the context of determining how big you are is the same type of sh-t test as "honey, does this outfit make my butt look big?". The only way to avoid World War III is to keep your mouth shut and run away as fast as your legs will carry you. Agreeing that she needs to lose weight will result in a meltdown. Praise will result in suspicion of dishonesty...and then a meltdown.

 

tl;dr version - I agree with AO.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Apologies for digging up something a couple pages back, but this is a point worth repeating. These threads are always the longest on LS, and I can't think of any single poster who consistently gets this much attention from so many people. If she truly felt bullied and disliked it, I think she would've stopped posting by now, but she's obviously still getting something out of sharing her life on here. It makes me wonder whether she gets off on shoving her buttons in the forum's face and waiting for people to start pushing them so she can enjoy being the victim.

 

That's what I think. And how people who react this way to them (many of us) can be accused of "abusing" the OP is just ... well, I don't even believe that an intelligent, thinking person who really read the whole threads could possibly go there.

 

There's got to be an agenda.

 

A lot of these threads are really massive sh-t tests. Saying "I need to lose weight" and putting up pictures for people to comment on in the context of determining how big you are is the same type of sh-t test as "honey, does this outfit make my butt look big?". The only way to avoid World War III is to keep your mouth shut and run away as fast as your legs will carry you. Agreeing that she needs to lose weight will result in a meltdown. Praise will result in suspicion of dishonesty...and then a meltdown.

 

Yup.

 

And, I think that the intense attacks on people who react this way with the "bullying" and "abuse" accusations being thrown about willy-nilly may be further sh-t tests of some kind.

 

I mean ... if one were really going to stand up and fight for kindness and "supportive" helping of others, would they not also stand up against this OP's own behavior when SHE is behaving badly herself? Or, as Nexus suggested, take the crusade to other similar thread starters (One Goal comes to mind)?

[Art_Critic]

I dated girl once that I broke up with quickly and quite coldly one day but she wanted to still talk on the phone.

She spent the next week or so ripping on me and my behavior while dating to the point where she broke up with me ....

Hahaha

She totally ignored that I broke up with her and then she found things in me she hated and then broke up with me.

 

That same thing is happening here on this thread... Beat it and tbf into the ground till it all becomes her fault all the while ignore all the other people on this thread who see the bullying

[sweetjasmine]

I dated girl once that I broke up with quickly and quite coldly one day but she wanted to still talk on the phone.

She spent the next week or so ripping on me and my behavior while dating to the point where she broke up with me ....

Hahaha

She totally ignored that I broke up with her and then she found things in me she hated and then broke up with me.

 

That same thing is happening here on this thread... Beat it and tbf into the ground till it all becomes her fault all the while ignore all the other people on this thread who see the bullying

 

My point here is that at some point, you stop staying on the line and hang up the phone when she starts ripping into you. And what you don't do is pick up the phone and call her on a daily basis to hear the same BS over and over again. And you don't ask your friend to call her up and tell her to stop being such a jerk.

 

ES craves something that this forum is providing her, whether it be attention, criticism, harsh words, nice posts, or the lovely pink background. It doesn't matter how many TBFs write how many posts telling people what they can and can't say in order to avoid hurting her feelings. ES keeps coming back for her own reasons and she keeps setting up sh-t tests for her own reasons. I wish people would react differently and ignore her if they're irritated by her posts. And I wish she would get some real help from a professional and stop posting on forums. But you know what they say - wish in one hand, sh-t in the other...

[Kamille]

Apologies for digging up something a couple pages back, but this is a point worth repeating. These threads are always the longest on LS, and I can't think of any single poster who consistently gets this much attention from so many people. If she truly felt bullied and disliked it, I think she would've stopped posting by now, but she's obviously still getting something out of sharing her life on here. It makes me wonder whether she gets off on shoving her buttons in the forum's face and waiting for people to start pushing them so she can enjoy being the victim.

 

A lot of these threads are really massive sh-t tests. Saying "I need to lose weight" and putting up pictures for people to comment on in the context of determining how big you are is the same type of sh-t test as "honey, does this outfit make my butt look big?". The only way to avoid World War III is to keep your mouth shut and run away as fast as your legs will carry you. Agreeing that she needs to lose weight will result in a meltdown. Praise will result in suspicion of dishonesty...and then a meltdown.

 

tl;dr version - I agree with AO.

 

Well, I may be unloyally borrowing from ZG here, but the question is: To what extent is ES responsible for how we choose to respond to her threads? As far as I can tell, this thread got the attention it did because the debate between "Team ES" and "Team SG" was transferred over from past threads. (People even contacted me through pm to ask me to pick a team and accusing me of condoning the actions of each one of the other team, indicating that posters have a hard time reading posts that don't pick a side. But that's besides the point.) The debate is what is spurring attention to ES's threads, not ES herself. We should take responsibility for that before we start assigning malicious intentions to ES.

 

As far as I am concerned, ES hasn't broken any guidelines and has as much right to participate in this community as anyone else. Who are we to decide who can and can't be included here on LS?

[threebyfate]

My point here is that at some point, you stop staying on the line and hang up the phone when she starts ripping into you. And what you don't do is pick up the phone and call her on a daily basis to hear the same BS over and over again. And you don't ask your friend to call her up and tell her to stop being such a jerk.

 

ES craves something that this forum is providing her, whether it be attention, criticism, harsh words, nice posts, or the lovely pink background. It doesn't matter how many TBFs write how many posts telling people what they can and can't say in order to avoid hurting her feelings. ES keeps coming back for her own reasons and she keeps setting up sh-t tests for her own reasons. I wish people would react differently and ignore her if they're irritated by her posts. And I wish she would get some real help from a professional and stop posting on forums. But you know what they say - wish in one hand, sh-t in the other...

Did anyone ever tell you, your posts are a lot like zengirl's?

 

I don't tell people what they can or can't say. But I do give back the purported "honesty" and call out the personal frustration. People need to own their own "frustration" and not take it out on ES using malicious comments like telling her she's lying and crazy. That's just plain bullying and abuse.

[threebyfate]

Well, I may be unloyally borrowing from ZG here, but the question is: To what extent is ES responsible for how we choose to respond to her threads? As far as I can tell, this thread got the attention it did because the debate between "Team ES" and "Team SG" was transferred over from past threads. (People even contacted me through pm to ask me to pick a team and accusing me of condoning the actions of each one of the other team, indicating that posters have a hard time reading posts that don't pick a side. But that's besides the point.) The debate is what is spurring attention to ES's threads, not ES herself. We should take responsibility for that before we start assigning malicious intentions to ES.

 

As far as I am concerned, ES hasn't broken any guidelines and has as much right to participate in this community as anyone else. Who are we to decide who can and can't be included here on LS?

I haven't PM'd anyone to tell them to pick a side. It should be obvious to people that a serious case of bullying has been happening to ES within her threads over a considerable length of time, where common decency should cause them to stand up and say "enough" or to stop engaging in it or to stop enabling it.

[MrNate]

Alrighty, let's give it a rest already.

 

The pride of a human being is a powerful thing.

[Kamille]

I haven't PM'd anyone to tell them to pick a side. It should be obvious to people that a serious case of bullying has been happening to ES within her threads over a considerable length of time, where common decency should cause them to stand up and say "enough" or to stop engaging in it or to stop enabling it.

 

Yes I should be clear, neither TBF, ES or SG have contacted me through pm to pick a side.

 

My point was that this conflict has reached such proportions that it is fueling the attention ES's threads are getting. It is the conflict that fuels the attention, not ES all on her own.

[sweetjasmine]

Well, I may be unloyally borrowing from ZG here, but the question is: To what extent is ES responsible for how we choose to respond to her threads?

 

She can't control how people will respond to her threads, but after a while, it becomes easy to predict how specific posters will respond to specific comments. That's the basis of trolling: put something out there that you know will get a reaction and wait for people to bite. (And before anyone says so, I'm not suggesting that ES is trolling, though it's always a possibility.)

 

What she can control is what she does about it. If I were in her shoes, I'd log out and never post here again. You can't maintain a supportive forum without heavy moderation, and the moderation here is essentially non-existent beyond deleting drama threads a week after they've already gone down the toilet. That's what happens when you put the weight of moderating a huge forum on a single person, so I'm not blaming Tony. The task is impossible to handle without multiple people.

 

It's unfair that someone would have to leave a forum because other people are upsetting them, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen this play out on other light/no moderation forums. I've been the target of harassment at a no-moderation forum, and my solution was to leave and never go back again. No amount of white knights could ever stop every single person from continuing, so it was the only reasonable option.

 

The debate is what is spurring attention to ES's threads, not ES herself. We should take responsibility for that before we start assigning malicious intentions to ES.

 

That's certainly fair, though I will say that previous threads have been about ES and about people fighting over who's doing a better job at helping her. The truth is that no one is doing anything to help her, and the support she gets here (whether it's the "coddling" or the "tough love") has hardly done any good.

 

As far as I am concerned, ES hasn't broken any guidelines and has as much right to participate in this community as anyone else. Who are we to decide who can and can't be included here on LS?

 

That's the way that light/no moderation forums work. It doesn't matter much that you have a right to post somewhere if it upsets you to do so.

[Professor X]

This thread makes me horny.

[Kamille]

She can't control how people will respond to her threads, but after a while, it becomes easy to predict how specific posters will respond to specific comments. That's the basis of trolling: put something out there that you know will get a reaction and wait for people to bite. (And before anyone says so, I'm not suggesting that ES is trolling, though it's always a possibility.)

 

What I'm hearing is a recommendation. Posters who feel ES is trolling should think twice before responding (and taking the bait).

 

 

 

What she can control is what she does about it. If I were in her shoes, I'd log out and never post here again. You can't maintain a supportive forum without heavy moderation, and the moderation here is essentially non-existent beyond deleting drama threads a week after they've already gone down the toilet. That's what happens when you put the weight of moderating a huge forum on a single person, so I'm not blaming Tony. The task is impossible to handle without multiple people.

 

It's unfair that someone would have to leave a forum because other people are upsetting them, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen this play out on other light/no moderation forums. I've been the target of harassment at a no-moderation forum, and my solution was to leave and never go back again. No amount of white knights could ever stop every single person from continuing, so it was the only reasonable option.

 

 

I think ES comes here to think through her issues - and I've said before I don't think LS is helping. LS isn't helping her at all because ES's thoughts process are pretty polarized, as far as I can tell. The thing is, LS's responses tend to be polarized. In a way, I think she turns to LS because we reproduce her polarized train of thought.

 

My point in saying that is that a part of me understands why she posts here.

 

That's certainly fair, though I will say that previous threads have been about ES and about people fighting over who's doing a better job at helping her. The truth is that no one is doing anything to help her, and the support she gets here (whether it's the "coddling" or the "tough love") has hardly done any good.

 

I agree on the last part but not on the first part. This debate here has been stewing for quite some time.

[Kamille]

This thread makes me horny.

 

 

There's two anal sex threads going, one about "F-ing like a s..." and this is the thread that makes you horny? hu?!

[Professor X]

 

There's two anal sex threads going, one about "F-ing like a s..." and this is the thread that makes you horny? hu?!

I can't... can't control my emotions... :-(

 

To each his own

[snug.bunny]

This thread makes me wanna leave

the thread I'm wit, to start a new thread wit'chu.

 

This is what you do

This is what you do.

 

You make me wanna,

You make me wanna....