When your SO makes subtle comments that you need to lose weight

[Art_Critic]

Well, that could apply to quite a few posters here, don't you think?

 

 

Most of the first time posters coming here with heartbreak..

 

How bad would it be if the best avenue to help someone when they post a thread is not post on it

 

hahahaha.. it would be real quiet around here...

 

WTF have people turned into around here ?

[zengirl]

Well, this is the last I'll say on BBW, but what SG actually said was:

 

Wouldn't ES fit that description? Perhaps he was looking for porn that emulated her? What's wrong with that?

 

And she said it in response to the quote:

 

BBW=Big Boned Women

 

That is apparently bullying by your terms. I think the whole thread is a bit absurd, personally, but I cannot imagine that's bullying.

 

Then again, as I said, people are rather ridiculous when discussing weight/appearance at all --- usually those most critical of others' appearances, as we later saw ES to be, towards BBW (whatever that means at the moment) in general.

 

As far as whether what SG said was socially appropriate or not, I think that's certainly debatable, but really, bringing up one's weight in general is not socially appropriate if critiquing another's weight is not, because otherwise it's simply unfair and looking for validation.

 

At any rate, if she was not sincerely confused, it really was good Cracker Jack gave her that post so she could pretend it. Or maybe they're in cahoots? I just don't get why you'd assume her confusion was insincere. ETA: I guess I base my belief on SG's confusion being sincere on the fact that. . . SG normally seems sincere. Do I always agree with her? No. Do I find her flawless? No. But I think ascribing dishonesty, insincerity, or the like to her seems baseless. She's usually extremely honest in what she thinks/knows. Perhaps to a fault.

 

And I also don't think calling her "stupid" for not knowing something is the sign of a great champion of human relations.

Edited August 11, 2011 by zengirl

[Art_Critic]

Well, this is the last I'll say on BBW, but what SG actually said was:

 

 

 

And she said it in response to the quote:

 

 

 

That is apparently bullying by your terms. I think the whole thread is a bit absurd, personally, but I cannot imagine that's bullying.

 

Then again, as I said, people are rather ridiculous when discussing weight/appearance at all --- usually those most critical of others' appearances, as we later saw ES to be, towards BBW (whatever that means at the moment) in general.

 

As far as whether what SG said was socially appropriate or not, I think that's certainly debatable, but really, bringing up one's weight in general is not socially appropriate if critiquing another's weight is not, because otherwise it's simply unfair and looking for validation.

 

So you think that people are bullying SG and you are digging thru the posts to prove that ES hasn't been bullied ? that is kinda sad...

 

I think the bullying that ES has withstood on LS is more than this thread, it is in fact many threads and some that don't even exist here anymore because of how bad they were.

 

Just my opinion...

 

It's been real but I'm history on this thread now..

[zengirl]

So you think that people are bullying SG and you are digging thru the posts to prove that ES hasn't been bullied ? that is kinda sad...

 

I think the bullying that ES has withstood on LS is more than this thread, it is in fact many threads and some that don't even exist here anymore because of how bad they were.

 

Just my opinion...

 

It's been real but I'm history on this thread now..

 

I would agree ES has been --- if not bullied --- abused in other threads (as has SG), but not by SG. I don't know if what SG says is always productive for ES, but I think she always means it to be. Clearly you and I see it differently. C'est la vie. I was just explaining what I thought was offensive and what wasn't.

 

ETA: And I'm not digging through the thread for proof so much as. . . for truth. The truth (as I see it; obviously, everyone won't always agree with me) is the only master I serve in voicing my opinion. I don't want to hurt, control, belittle, defend, boost up, or change anyone. I just want to say and defend the truth, as I see it, and the facts, as they were. That's what was said.

Edited August 11, 2011 by zengirl

[threebyfate]

welike, not acceptable to blame the person being bullied. That is exactly what happens in real life where those are tactics used by bullies and abusers.

 

Take a serious look at the controversial Stanford Prison Experiment. I mean serious look and apply it.

[A O]

Well, that could apply to quite a few posters here, don't you think?

Are you happy with ES's relationship experiences? If not, then what do you think needs to be done?

 

Everyone who has posted in this thread is an enabler to some degree or another, not just TBF.

Indeed.

 

 

.

[anne1707]

welike, not acceptable to blame the person being bullied. That is exactly what happens in real life where those are tactics used by bullies and abusers.

 

Take a serious look at the controversial Stanford Prison Experiment. I mean serious look and apply it.

...............................

[zengirl]

welike, not acceptable to blame the person being bullied. That is exactly what happens in real life where those are tactics used by bullies and abusers.

 

Take a serious look at the controversial Stanford Prison Experiment. I mean serious look and apply it.

 

Bullying has an aim.

 

What is the aim you attribute to SG (or myself, if you think I'm bullying anyone) for whatever comments you find objectionable?

 

In the prisoner experiment, there is a goal. An aim. As with bullies in school. They want power over their victims.

 

Do you really think SG or anyone else here has power over ES?

 

Do you really think all criticisms are bullying?

[threebyfate]

Now I understand. TBF is the prison guard.

Nice try anne but no. I'm not part of the mob bashing the opening poster in thread after thread for no reason at all.

 

It is ES's choice to take advice or not. For people to believe that ripping at her in thread after thread because "she won't listen" is nothing but abuse. It's not constructive criticism, it's intent to hurt and that is malicious.

[Ms. Joolie]

Well I daresay this thread is not over till the fat lady sings.

[zengirl]

Well I daresay this thread is not over till the fat lady sings.

 

Stop calling people fat, you bully! :lmao:

[anne1707]

Nice try anne but no. I'm not part of the mob bashing the opening poster in thread after thread for no reason at all.

 

It is ES's choice to take advice or not. For people to believe that ripping at her in thread after thread because "she won't listen" is nothing but abuse. It's not constructive criticism, it's intent to hurt and that is malicious.

 

But you do bash anybody whose opinion you disagree with in any of ES's threads. Especially if it is SG.

 

By the way, when are you actually going to offer any advice to ES in this thread seeing as you are so concerned for her well being?

[threebyfate]

In the prisoner experiment, there is a goal. An aim. As with bullies in school. They want power over their victims.

You've just answered your own question. Some, especially SG and AO want to control ES's choices. If she doesn't listen, they empower themselves by targetting the vulnerabilities that ES has self-admitted to. That's just cruel and malicious.

[threebyfate]

But you do bash anybody whose opinion you disagree with in any of ES's threads. Especially if it is SG.

 

By the way, when are you actually going to offer any advice to ES in this thread seeing as you are so concerned for her well being?

Ah yes, here we go again. If someone stands up for ES, it's not acceptable but when it's to validate SGs unacceptable bullying towards ES, it's all fine.

 

I already have. Perhaps you need to read the thread before commenting.

[zengirl]

You've just answered your own question. Some, especially SG and AO want to control ES's choices. If she doesn't listen, they empower themselves by targetting the vulnerabilities that ES has self-admitted to. That's just cruel and malicious.

 

I didn't answer it because I guess I don't agree with the motives you ascribe to SG.

 

AO rarely says anything but "This discussion is pointless" (and by the time he says it, it's usually true; we reached pointless a long time ago here) and that ES needs therapy. It has to be her choice, but some therapy would probably help ES. I don't see any real threat to her if she ignores these two, though.

 

I don't see people attempting to push ES's buttons. I see people popping in, reading, and saying what they think. Now there are some posters (haven't seen them in this thread) that you'll see pop into an ES thread and say something gross, I don't disagree with it. But that's really not what happened here IMO. YMMV.

[threebyfate]

I didn't answer it because I guess I don't agree with the motives you ascribe to SG.

 

AO rarely says anything but "This discussion is pointless" (and by the time he says it, it's usually true; we reached pointless a long time ago here) and that ES needs therapy. It has to be her choice, but some therapy would probably help ES. I don't see any real threat to her if she ignores these two, though.

 

I don't see people attempting to push ES's buttons. I see people popping in, reading, and saying what they think. Now there are some posters (haven't seen them in this thread) that you'll see pop into an ES thread and say something gross, I don't disagree with it. But that's really not what happened here IMO. YMMV.

Unbelievable. The lengths you'll go to, to enable bullying.

 

Anyways, I'm out of this thread. You people are unbelievable in your determination to either control ES or tear her to pieces forcing her to leave LS for her own emotional health.

 

If anyone needs therapy, it's not ES. Some of you might want to consider why it's so important to you to have the freedom to tear people apart on LS for nothing but self-empowerment.

[torn_curtain]

The bullying of ES in this thread and especially in her break up thread look pretty blatant to me--and if it's an ongoing pattern that's even more disturbing. I'm puzzled anyone could argue otherwise.

[zengirl]

Unbelievable. The lengths you'll go to, to enable bullying.

 

Anyways, I'm out of this thread. You people are unbelievable in your determination to either control ES or tear her to pieces forcing her to leave LS for her own emotional health.

 

If anyone needs therapy, it's not ES. Some of you might want to consider why it's so important to you to have the freedom to tear people apart on LS for nothing but self-empowerment.

 

(a) I've said this many times before, but will always continue to say it because therapy NEEDS to be de-stigmatized. Why is suggesting therapy to someone an insult? I've been through therapy before. So, it's not a negative thing to say it could help someone.

 

(b) I don't want to control ES or tear her to pieces. I also don't want to coddle her. I try to help, when I think I can be helpful to her (or anyone else). And the rest of the time, I just want to freely express my opinion, as I see it. I try to stay within reasonable tact, but I understand I'll never please everyone; that's cool. I don't get my self-empowerment from LS, and if anyone does, they definitely have issues. Personally, I come here because it's interesting to see the different views and opinions and express myself on various issues.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, please. There is not bullying and especially not abuse in this thread, or towards ES in general.

 

Saying that there is belittles the severity of bullying and especially of abuse.

 

You honestly think that SG saying that ES's knee looked bulgey in a photo is abusive??

 

I don't think it was a nice thing to say, but these two are frequently throwing barbs back and forth. And ES def got her back with the "dreaded apple" comment. They are evenly matched opponents - well educated, great looking buxom blonde professional women close in age - though SG comes off as aggressive and kind of like a pit bull once she gets her teeth into something () while ES appears to work it so that she can always appear to be in a victim role. Maybe they should square off mano-a-mano in a mud wrestling venue. People would pay good money.

 

There is NO WAY that ES needs to be defended by others. She can stick up for herself - which she doesn't, she responds in kind. If she didn't get something out of these dynamics, she would not set them in motion over, and over, and over again.

 

I'm sure that I am also considered "abusive" for pointing out the inconsistencies, once again, in ES's version of stuff.

 

Well ... sorry! Proof read better before posting, and then I'll stop that.

[OliveOyl]

Okay my opinion:

 

Even if SG's comments may have had utility, her original comments about ES's pics came across as blunt, unnecessary, and slightly off topic. There would have been many many better ways to phrase her comments even if ES had specifically asked for constructive feedback on her photos. It's really obvious SG's intention just wasn't to "help" and was an attempt at a dig that she (and other posters) have been trying to rationalize away for pages and pages.

 

If it actually WAS an attempt to be "helpful" then SG is lacking in tact and an understanding of how her words come across to the majority of people. I think SG is probably smarter than that though.

 

ES's comments were an obvious lashing back at SG.

 

So in other words, what we have here is a classic cat-fight. Meoowww.

[climbergirl]

Oh, please. There is not bullying and especially not abuse in this thread, or towards ES in general.

 

Saying that there is belittles the severity of bullying and especially of abuse.

 

You honestly think that SG saying that ES's knee looked bulgey in a photo is abusive??

 

I don't think it was a nice thing to say, but these two are frequently throwing barbs back and forth. And ES def got her back with the "dreaded apple" comment. They are evenly matched opponents - well educated, great looking buxom blonde professional women close in age - though SG comes off as aggressive and kind of like a pit bull once she gets her teeth into something () while ES appears to work it so that she can always appear to be in a victim role. Maybe they should square off mano-a-mano in a mud wrestling venue. People would pay good money.

 

There is NO WAY that ES needs to be defended by others. She can stick up for herself - which she doesn't, she responds in kind. If she didn't get something out of these dynamics, she would not set them in motion over, and over, and over again.

 

I'm sure that I am also considered "abusive" for pointing out the inconsistencies, once again, in ES's version of stuff.

 

Well ... sorry! Proof read better before posting, and then I'll stop that.

 

 

By that token, neither does SG...correct?

[OliveOyl]

I don't see people attempting to push ES's buttons. YMMV.

No? Wow. Are we reading the same threads?

 

I see lots of attempts at button-pushing on all sides.

 

In fact ES's threads tend to be one big button.

[Feelsgoodman]

This thread is a perfect illustration of why LS is not the place to go to for relationship advice. Instead of exchanging dieting and exercise tips, these insecure fatties are bickering over which one of them is actually fatter. That's kind of like Angola and Sierra Leone arguing which country has a lower standard of living. Even if you win the argument, you are still a loser in the grand scheme of things.

[A O]

You've just answered your own question. Some, especially SG and AO want to control ES's choices. If she doesn't listen, they empower themselves by targetting the vulnerabilities that ES has self-admitted to. That's just cruel and malicious.

It's not about control. If it were I'd be acting like you! I would be behaving just like you threebyfate. Neither am I appealing to ES. She's not interested.

 

I am appealing to everyone else, including you, about how to better deal with people in similar situations to ES. And I am doing so because I know, most people here know that what the likes of ES really wants is a happy, meaningful relationship. But that hasn't happened. In all her time here - she is no closer to relationship happiness. That means to me that this place isn't working for her. Quite the opposite actually.

 

In the real world, we all offer advice/support to those who seek it. If that advice falls on deaf ears then we either stop advising/supporting (often called tough love in relationship situations) or we point them towards those more qualified to offer advice than ourselves. This is where we're at with ES and have been for quite some time.

 

 

.

[Mme. Chaucer]

By that token, neither does SG...correct?

 

 

Positively correct! I hope you don't construe what I wrote as coming to the defense of SG. I think that ES & SG got into a sparring match and it's up to them to resolve it, or to let it carry on into further threads. Their choice, between the two of those evenly matched adult women.

 

My post was only in reference to the rescue brigade spearheaded by TBF which

typically swoops into threads where ES has (IN MY OPINION) engineered herself into a central role of "damsel in distress."

 

Further, I have to comment that I NEVER see AO as even close to bullying, abusive, or controlling towards our heroine. He repeats the same mantra, over and over, that he believes is the truth: that if these recurring patterns that never seem to change continue, we are not helping solve them by participating in the threads. And, that ES is not actually looking for help in breaking patterns (HER patterns of HER OWN behavior) by repeating them over and over and posting about them here, over and over. I believe he's right, by the way. That doesn't keep me from pitching in though. It's a vice of mine, like gossiping.

 

He's free to state that. ES is free to do continue to do what she's doing until she's 88. I'm free to post my observations about all of it, whenever I want to. I'm even free to dislike ES (and vice versa)! It does not add up to "abuse" or "bullying."