how to start trusting?

[alexa137]

how do you start trusting men when everyone that you were involved with were *******s? liars, cheaters, players!

if a man starts a pattern like the previous ones that acted wrong, i start to go crazy and think the same with the new one.

for example, if you are used to talking or texting someone everyday for a few months and see each other 2-3 times a week and then you try to contact him and I dont hear nothing back within a few hours i start to think hes busy with another girl or something like that.

i just cant help it! i start to ask questions and act a little smart ass( not gonna lie)

I really try but i feel that if a guy asks you about your past and you tell him you have been hurt because you were cheated on or lied to, that he would make an effort to act differently. oops but i forgot 99% dont have feelings, dont think and dont care! at least none of the ones i deal with.

so basically my past 22 years affects my future, greatly.

with the last breakup in going through now it really hurts alot, not just because i liked the guy alot and i thought he was a good guy and maybe the one, but just the fact that it keeps happening. and to be honest the first 2 months of us dating i tried my best to keep my mouth shut and i did pretty good, but since we did alot together and spent time together i got more feelings, and with sex being involved i didnt want him to be with another woman. im just the kind of woman who only wants to sleep with one man.

even though men dont.

so how do i start with baby steps to fix this? even though im seriously done with men for a long time! just to look or talk to one makes me wanna puke!

[Untouchable_Fire]

how do you start trusting men when everyone that you were involved with were *******s? liars, cheaters, players!

if a man starts a pattern like the previous ones that acted wrong, i start to go crazy and think the same with the new one.

for example, if you are used to talking or texting someone everyday for a few months and see each other 2-3 times a week and then you try to contact him and I dont hear nothing back within a few hours i start to think hes busy with another girl or something like that.

 

so how do i start with baby steps to fix this? even though im seriously done with men for a long time! just to look or talk to one makes me wanna puke!

 

First... you are stupid to just blindly trust men. I'm a guy and in my personal opinion, I would not trust guys at all right off the bat.

 

Give it time and take things really slow. The jerkoffs will go away and the quality guys stick around. The more you get to know a guy the more you will be able to see if he is trustworty.

 

Now... if a guy doesn't txt you back right away... that is pretty much meaningless. Don't freak out over petty crap like that. Just keep your eye on the big stuff.

[SugarShock]

so basically my past 22 years affects my future, greatly.

 

Basing your previous relationships on your newer ones isn't good. You need to get over what the other men did to you and always start fresh with your new ones. I've been through alot of hurt and pain due to cheaters/liars, but I realized that when I start a new relationship I can't blame them for what my ex's did! When you start off a new one, you need to have the mindset that this is NEW not the past!

 

Now, if your new one is setting patterns like your old relationships, I think you need to relax and analyze the whole picture instead of assuming negatively. If they don't respond to your texts quick enough, maybe they were busy at the moment? Give them the benefit of the doubt. And if you have questions, just ask them. Like the previous poster said, time will tell...the good guys will stay. Also, I think 2 months is a lil too early to tell weather they are fully committed to you or not, so give it some time. And remember...don't blame your current guy for the mistakes others have done in the past!

 

And I disagree with "Untouchable Fire"...there's nothing wrong with trusting men and you aren't stupid for trusting them. Without trust, you have nothing. It will continue to hinder your relationships when you keep doubt and no trust in them! Love with an open heart. You just have to learn to decide and make decisions based on what you feel is best for YOU!

Edited August 9, 2011 by SugarShock

[Woggle]

Just remember that many men go through the same thing. It has nothing to do with gender.

[Untouchable_Fire]

And I disagree with "Untouchable Fire"...there's nothing wrong with trusting men and you aren't stupid for trusting them. Without trust, you have nothing. It will continue to hinder your relationships when you keep doubt and no trust in them! Love with an open heart. You just have to learn to decide and make decisions based on what you feel is best for YOU!

 

I'm not saying don't ever trust. I'm saying you need to know the person your trusting first.

 

Banks don't loan money out to anybody that looks nice. They check credit scores first. That is how you should trust people!

[Kelemort]

I'm really gonna get it for this idea, but here it goes anyways:

 

Trust goes in degrees. There may be people you trust to feed your dog every now and then, and people you would literally trust with your life. No one says you ever have to trust anybody completely. And I don't think you should.

 

There's a difference between the lack of trust that results in the kind of paranoia and secrecy that can topple a relationship, and the kind of lack of trust that says, "I am keeping an eye on you." You should keep your eyes open. You should understand that no matter how much someone says he loves you - even if he proposes and marries you - it's no guarantee that he won't eventually break your trust. And odds are pretty good that at some point, intentional or not, he's going to stumble and do something wrong.

 

I think that oftentimes too much pressure is put onto trusting a partner completely. And how many people can genuinely, truly say they feel that way? That they NEVER have at least fleeting thoughts that something might be amiss, or worried that a partner is not keeping up his end of the bargain? You may trust your partner a lot, maybe more than anyone you've ever known, but not completely.

 

But you also indicate a past history of guys treating you badly - cheating on you. First you need to identify why you're continually running into these guys. Do you run in the same circle? Do they have the typical 'player' lifestyles? My advice would be to look for men in their late 20s - generally by then they've gotten out of the "I'm going to bang as many chicks as I can" lifestyle and settled more into a professional lifestyle, which includes monogamy.

 

Not all, but in a general sense, that's what you can expect. If you're just dating college guys or guys with no ambition or big flirts, those are some big red flags. Do you think you're missing the red flags in these guys' personalities? Try Googling for articles related to it sometimes. What you may see as just a 'flirtatious nature' may actually be an obvious indicator that he's a cheater.

 

Like the others said, you shouldn't just trust a guy from the get-go. If he's proving consistently over months that he's faithful to you, it's fair to start building up more trust in him. But from the start? Nah.

 

As for fearing he's cheating on you when he doesn't answer your phone calls - remind yourself that he's a different person and he doesn't deserve to atone for the sins of your exes. It may even be a good idea for you to start getting into counseling or therapy to identify what else you can take care of.

 

But I also think time can help.

[alexa137]

i dont date men under the age of 35, because mentally men are really usually 10 yrs younger than their real age!im 40(41 in oct) , so i try to talk to guys that are close to my age, dont go too much older because most are divorced etc