MM upset about single OW dating

[So Very Confused]

I think I’m losing my mind. I’m normally rational and know right from wrong but this situation has me twisted inside out. (I know there's another thread about why we ware faithful APs but I don't want to TJ.)

 

 

 

Some background: The MM was on a vacation with his family for the last couple of weeks. While he was gone I decided to go on as many dates as possible to distract myself from thinking about him. So, I had a couple of dates with a couple of guys. One of the guys is completely unsuitable for me. The other guy has possibilities and we have another date planned next weekend. He’s supposed to call tonight and I’m not sure how I’m going to dodge the MM long enough for the phone call. I didn’t do anything physical with either date. I still felt guilty though both because I feel that I somehow betrayed the MM and because I feel like I’m bringing an innocent party into a bad situation with me being entangled with the affair and them not having any idea of what’s going on behind the scenes.

 

 

The MM has a lot of stress in his life and has been taking it out on me. I’m also under a lot of stress (from recently being divorced and from dealing with the MM and his stress.) I’m having a hard time separating what is acceptable behavior from the MM and what isn’t. When I point out his behavior and tell him how it made me feel, he says I’ve been on edge since the divorce. Basically, his position is that he’s being fine, I’m being too critical.

 

 

Last night we had a blow up. Once again, he did something that was unacceptable to me (blew off our previous plan to have dinner and blamed it on me because I didn’t call or text him when I left work). I was upset about that and we were talking about it. He said he was hurt by my lack of contact during his vacation and that I didn’t really act like I missed him. I told him I hadn’t missed him that badly because I had a couple of dates and that now I think I understand how he feels. Whenever you are the single person in the affair, your AP takes on more significance than they would if you had another partner. I’m not sure that is true but that’s the way I see it. If you are both married, your AP doesn’t mean as much because you have a backup person to meet your needs. As I explained that to him, he got really angry. He said he was angry because I had been dating behind his back and that I should have told him. I thought I did tell him I was going to start dating, I just didn’t tell him anything specific because I didn’t know when I’d have a date. He then said that if I am going to date that he will start dating other people too. He handed me my purse and I walked out the door and got into my car and was driving away. He ran after me and said that we deserved a better ending than that. So we talked a little while longer. At that point I was already in bed and had taken a pain pill for my headache and didn’t feel that it was safe to drive home or I would have left. So we held each other and cried a while.

 

 

This morning I woke up with a dead feeling inside but also relief that this is finally over. I know I need to go NC or this situation is going to eat me up and jeapordize any future I might have with anyone else. I’ve already been through a hurtful divorce and I just want to put the past behind me and move on. I know that NC is the only answer but part of me wants to ease out slowly.

 

 

Thanks for reading all this and please if you have any words of advice, I’m willing to listen. Am I crazy for thinking it is okay for me to date others? What was he thinking by threatening to date other people too? Does he really think his behavior is okay? Is there any way to make this less painful? Why do I even care whether it’s right or not?

[donnamaybe]

Why, oh WHY do people put up with this kind of treatment?

 

Lose the loser and have a LIFE for gawd's sake where YOU get to call the shots!

[Spark1111]

Ah, sorry you had to go through this. It sounds painful.

 

It is time to worry about yourself. Put yourself first! It's okay to do that.

 

It is your life and we only get one, so make it the best it can be.

 

Why ease out of anything that seems to be a source of pain and confusion and quite a bit of lonliness?

 

Why feel obligated to not date? Does it feel like you are cheating on him? I mean, to me, this is where affairs become completely ludicrous.

 

He goes home to his wife and family, goes away on fun vacations, and you should be home just pining away awaiting his return....

 

How selfish of him! Don't let him continue to dictate the parameters of this affair. You are in it too, right? You should have equal say.

 

The fact that YOU are dating says to me it is over for you; your tired of it; you want and deserve better for yourself.

 

If you have continued contact with him, I believe he will talk you out of all you really want.

 

Threatening to find another mistress was rude, disrespectful, and manipulative.

 

I would say, buh-bye.

[KathyM]

I think I’m losing my mind. I’m normally rational and know right from wrong but this situation has me twisted inside out. (I know there's another thread about why we ware faithful APs but I don't want to TJ.)

 

 

 

Some background: The MM was on a vacation with his family for the last couple of weeks. While he was gone I decided to go on as many dates as possible to distract myself from thinking about him. So, I had a couple of dates with a couple of guys. One of the guys is completely unsuitable for me. The other guy has possibilities and we have another date planned next weekend. He’s supposed to call tonight and I’m not sure how I’m going to dodge the MM long enough for the phone call. I didn’t do anything physical with either date. I still felt guilty though both because I feel that I somehow betrayed the MM and because I feel like I’m bringing an innocent party into a bad situation with me being entangled with the affair and them not having any idea of what’s going on behind the scenes.

 

 

The MM has a lot of stress in his life and has been taking it out on me. I’m also under a lot of stress (from recently being divorced and from dealing with the MM and his stress.) I’m having a hard time separating what is acceptable behavior from the MM and what isn’t. When I point out his behavior and tell him how it made me feel, he says I’ve been on edge since the divorce. Basically, his position is that he’s being fine, I’m being too critical.

 

 

Last night we had a blow up. Once again, he did something that was unacceptable to me (blew off our previous plan to have dinner and blamed it on me because I didn’t call or text him when I left work). I was upset about that and we were talking about it. He said he was hurt by my lack of contact during his vacation and that I didn’t really act like I missed him. I told him I hadn’t missed him that badly because I had a couple of dates and that now I think I understand how he feels. Whenever you are the single person in the affair, your AP takes on more significance than they would if you had another partner. I’m not sure that is true but that’s the way I see it. If you are both married, your AP doesn’t mean as much because you have a backup person to meet your needs. As I explained that to him, he got really angry. He said he was angry because I had been dating behind his back and that I should have told him. I thought I did tell him I was going to start dating, I just didn’t tell him anything specific because I didn’t know when I’d have a date. He then said that if I am going to date that he will start dating other people too. He handed me my purse and I walked out the door and got into my car and was driving away. He ran after me and said that we deserved a better ending than that. So we talked a little while longer. At that point I was already in bed and had taken a pain pill for my headache and didn’t feel that it was safe to drive home or I would have left. So we held each other and cried a while.

 

 

This morning I woke up with a dead feeling inside but also relief that this is finally over. I know I need to go NC or this situation is going to eat me up and jeapordize any future I might have with anyone else. I’ve already been through a hurtful divorce and I just want to put the past behind me and move on. I know that NC is the only answer but part of me wants to ease out slowly.

 

 

Thanks for reading all this and please if you have any words of advice, I’m willing to listen. Am I crazy for thinking it is okay for me to date others? What was he thinking by threatening to date other people too? Does he really think his behavior is okay? Is there any way to make this less painful? Why do I even care whether it’s right or not?

You are wise to try to date others and to get your life back to some normalcy. This relationship with the MM is a dead end for you. Not a good person for you to have in your life. He's threatening to date others in order to make you jealous and to control you. His moral compass is scewed. He doesn't think about what is right or wrong, only about what he wants. Don't let him talk you out of doing the right thing. End the relationship, and move on to guys that can give you a healthy relationship. You don't need this in your life. It's not good for you.

[So Very Confused]

Why, oh WHY do people put up with this kind of treatment?

 

Lose the loser and have a LIFE for gawd's sake where YOU get to call the shots!

 

I needed someone to call it like it is. I don't know why I put up with this. I've stopped trying to figure out why I do it and just try and stop doing it altogether.

[So Very Confused]

Hon you need to disentangle yourself from all the crazy and spend some time alone and get yourself in a better frame of mind. It's not right to be dating when you aren't together yourself but it shouldn't have anything to do with what your mm thinks. Also.......he is playing a lot of head games with you in order to manipulate you into keeping you on a string.

 

You already know what the best thing to do would be. You can do it!

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I know you've BTDT and it means a lot.

[So Very Confused]

The fact that YOU are dating says to me it is over for you; your tired of it; you want and deserve better for yourself.

 

If you have continued contact with him, I believe he will talk you out of all you really want.

 

Threatening to find another mistress was rude, disrespectful, and manipulative.

 

I would say, buh-bye.

 

I agree, I am tired of it and I need to get out before I continue the downward spiral.

[So Very Confused]

He's threatening to date others in order to make you jealous and to control you. His moral compass is scewed. He doesn't think about what is right or wrong, only about what he wants. Don't let him talk you out of doing the right thing. End the relationship, and move on to guys that can give you a healthy relationship. You don't need this in your life. It's not good for you.

 

Wow. That pretty much sums it up right there.

[TurboGirl]

So Very,

 

GREAT you are out, please stay out of it! His "behavior" is typically self centered... and as for him dating other people, that was a good one. Oh, right, he's married...

 

This guy was a J*** and you are so much better off without him. It will take a bit of time to get back to being yourself, but you can do it. There are nice single guys out there for you, without all that blasted drama. You will find someone to have a real relationship with. Stay strong, NC is the only way!

[Lostinlife4now]

So very!!!

 

Had this same conversation a few months ago with xmm....I told him I would be dating and HE FLIPPED OUT.....he was walking around the table in the restaurant ranting and raving like a little child....I looked at him and said to myself...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH THIS? He also said he would go and date other woman....and I started laughing and said YOU ARE MARRIED JACK ASS!! What a nice guy...Narcissistic DEFINITELY...He said he could not stand to see me date that he loves me....lol...well you are at home with your W constantly and I am supposed to be alone? Nope don't get that one.....Now that I have kicked him and the R to the curb....it does FEEL AMAZING.....And while I am not ready to date as of yet...I am taking some time for myself....I can't wait to get out there again.....

 

So GET RID OF HIM.....this will only bring you down....believe me I know...Been there done that...

 

The e-mail that I sent him to go into NO CONTACT was....

 

Do not call me anymore...I am tired of the bull****....go back to your wife...

you are not the man I want and I am sure neither does your wife...but she is stuck with you...Better her than ME!!

 

Have a happy and healthy life......See ya,.....:p:p:p:p

[Emme]

He said he was angry because I had been dating behind his back and that I should have told him. I thought I did tell him I was going to start dating, I just didn’t tell him anything specific because I didn’t know when I’d have a date. He then said that if I am going to date that he will start dating other people too.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: Lord have mercy. SMH... I just can't stop laughing. Child... live your life. He has his already... well I don't think he knows that since he's speaking as a single man.

[donnamaybe]

I needed someone to call it like it is. I don't know why I put up with this. I've stopped trying to figure out why I do it and just try and stop doing it altogether.

You didn't need me or anyone else to tell you that what he is doing is wrong. You write like an intelligent young woman. No one deserves to be treated that way. Now take what you already know and do what you need to do.

[Heart On]

Do not call me anymore...I am tired of the bull****....go back to your wife...you are not the man I want and I am sure neither does your wife...but she is stuck with you...Better her than ME!!

 

Nice! So hypocritical and selfish for MM's to expect total commitment from

an OW or thier wives for that matter if you ask me and also so Narcissistic for them to feel entitled to having thier cake and eating it too!

 

OP....Let him go....he's not worthy enough for you to stay loyal to anyways.

[waytogo]

I think I’m losing my mind. I’m normally rational and know right from wrong but this situation has me twisted inside out. (I know there's another thread about why we ware faithful APs but I don't want to TJ.)

 

 

 

Some background: The MM was on a vacation with his family for the last couple of weeks. While he was gone I decided to go on as many dates as possible to distract myself from thinking about him. So, I had a couple of dates with a couple of guys. One of the guys is completely unsuitable for me. The other guy has possibilities and we have another date planned next weekend. He’s supposed to call tonight and I’m not sure how I’m going to dodge the MM long enough for the phone call. I didn’t do anything physical with either date. I still felt guilty though both because I feel that I somehow betrayed the MM and because I feel like I’m bringing an innocent party into a bad situation with me being entangled with the affair and them not having any idea of what’s going on behind the scenes.

 

 

The MM has a lot of stress in his life and has been taking it out on me. I’m also under a lot of stress (from recently being divorced and from dealing with the MM and his stress.) I’m having a hard time separating what is acceptable behavior from the MM and what isn’t. When I point out his behavior and tell him how it made me feel, he says I’ve been on edge since the divorce. Basically, his position is that he’s being fine, I’m being too critical.

 

 

Last night we had a blow up. Once again, he did something that was unacceptable to me (blew off our previous plan to have dinner and blamed it on me because I didn’t call or text him when I left work). I was upset about that and we were talking about it. He said he was hurt by my lack of contact during his vacation and that I didn’t really act like I missed him. I told him I hadn’t missed him that badly because I had a couple of dates and that now I think I understand how he feels. Whenever you are the single person in the affair, your AP takes on more significance than they would if you had another partner. I’m not sure that is true but that’s the way I see it. If you are both married, your AP doesn’t mean as much because you have a backup person to meet your needs. As I explained that to him, he got really angry. He said he was angry because I had been dating behind his back and that I should have told him. I thought I did tell him I was going to start dating, I just didn’t tell him anything specific because I didn’t know when I’d have a date. He then said that if I am going to date that he will start dating other people too. He handed me my purse and I walked out the door and got into my car and was driving away. He ran after me and said that we deserved a better ending than that. So we talked a little while longer. At that point I was already in bed and had taken a pain pill for my headache and didn’t feel that it was safe to drive home or I would have left. So we held each other and cried a while.

 

 

This morning I woke up with a dead feeling inside but also relief that this is finally over. I know I need to go NC or this situation is going to eat me up and jeapordize any future I might have with anyone else. I’ve already been through a hurtful divorce and I just want to put the past behind me and move on. I know that NC is the only answer but part of me wants to ease out slowly.

 

 

Thanks for reading all this and please if you have any words of advice, I’m willing to listen. Am I crazy for thinking it is okay for me to date others? What was he thinking by threatening to date other people too? Does he really think his behavior is okay? Is there any way to make this less painful? Why do I even care whether it’s right or not?

 

Seems you knew your answer, but found strength in others agreeing with you. Good for you How dare him expect to have his W and you, and you just be satisfied and mostly alone in that arrangement. You have a great time with either the SG that seems interesting, or another if you need to look further.

 

If it helps, when I left MM, my now H entered my life in less than a year. It was so worth being out of the A sitch for me. I'll bet you will find the same to be true for you

[whichwayisup]

I think I’m losing my mind. I’m normally rational and know right from wrong but this situation has me twisted inside out. (I know there's another thread about why we ware faithful APs but I don't want to TJ.)

 

Negative and unhealthy relationships, reguardless if it's an affair or a regular relationship, when one feels the way you do, it's time to re-think things, take time to figure out what you want.

 

Some background: The MM was on a vacation with his family for the last couple of weeks.

 

Going on a family vacation means he's continuing to live life with his wife and kids. Doesn't sound like someone who is planning on leaving.. Could be he's completely content with you on the side and staying married.

 

While he was gone I decided to go on as many dates as possible to distract myself from thinking about him. So, I had a couple of dates with a couple of guys. One of the guys is completely unsuitable for me. The other guy has possibilities and we have another date planned next weekend. He’s supposed to call tonight and I’m not sure how I’m going to dodge the MM long enough for the phone call.

 

So MM is back and you're getting together with him tonight? Or do you mean MM is going to be calling you and you're also going to get a call from one of the guys you casually went out with? Keep in mind, if MM gets a call from his wife, he's going to take the call and not be too concerned about your feelings.. You should do the same! You don't OWE MM that courtesy. Sure your emotions and heart is what's confusing you here, don't want to hurt MM or make him jealous, but why can't you "live" life as he is too? Right? When that guy calls, tell MM 'excuse me, I need to take this call, I'll be right back' and leave the room. You don't owe him an explanation!

 

I didn’t do anything physical with either date. I still felt guilty though both because I feel that I somehow betrayed the MM and because I feel like I’m bringing an innocent party into a bad situation with me being entangled with the affair and them not having any idea of what’s going on behind the scenes.

This is your heart calling the shots, not your mind.

 

Though I do agree with you, bringing in an innocent person into this mix isn't such a great idea, for obvious reasons.

 

Also...What if this guy has potiental? Is a real good guy? Because of what you feel for your MM, there's probably not much room in your heart, nor the desire to get to know him and allow him the chance to see where things could go...

 

The MM has a lot of stress in his life and has been taking it out on me. I’m also under a lot of stress (from recently being divorced and from dealing with the MM and his stress.) I’m having a hard time separating what is acceptable behavior from the MM and what isn’t. When I point out his behavior and tell him how it made me feel, he says I’ve been on edge since the divorce. Basically, his position is that he’s being fine, I’m being too critical.

 

Would you put up with such treatment in a regular relationship? So you are divorced due to the affair etc., but MM is still married, going on holidays with wife and kids..?? He seems to put it all on you, not taking any responsibility on his part in this. Fair? I think not.

 

Last night we had a blow up. Once again, he did something that was unacceptable to me (blew off our previous plan to have dinner and blamed it on me because I didn’t call or text him when I left work). I was upset about that and we were talking about it. He said he was hurt by my lack of contact during his vacation and that I didn’t really act like I missed him. I told him I hadn’t missed him that badly because I had a couple of dates and that now I think I understand how he feels. Whenever you are the single person in the affair, your AP takes on more significance than they would if you had another partner. I’m not sure that is true but that’s the way I see it. If you are both married, your AP doesn’t mean as much because you have a backup person to meet your needs. As I explained that to him, he got really angry. He said he was angry because I had been dating behind his back and that I should have told him. I thought I did tell him I was going to start dating, I just didn’t tell him anything specific because I didn’t know when I’d have a date. He then said that if I am going to date that he will start dating other people too. He handed me my purse and I walked out the door and got into my car and was driving away. He ran after me and said that we deserved a better ending than that. So we talked a little while longer. At that point I was already in bed and had taken a pain pill for my headache and didn’t feel that it was safe to drive home or I would have left. So we held each other and cried a while.

 

 

This morning I woke up with a dead feeling inside but also relief that this is finally over. I know I need to go NC or this situation is going to eat me up and jeapordize any future I might have with anyone else. I’ve already been through a hurtful divorce and I just want to put the past behind me and move on. I know that NC is the only answer but part of me wants to ease out slowly.

 

 

Thanks for reading all this and please if you have any words of advice, I’m willing to listen. Am I crazy for thinking it is okay for me to date others? What was he thinking by threatening to date other people too? Does he really think his behavior is okay? Is there any way to make this less painful? Why do I even care whether it’s right or not?

 

Sorry, I'm confused here. He is still married and planning on leaving/divorcing his wife or did he go away with his kids and he's divorced already and you two are laying low for a while? Also, him saying he'll date others, meanwhile you've already gone on a few days and he's still married means he's being a jerk to you ON purpose. Aka because he is jealous and hurt so he's lashed out.

 

Either way, there's no easy or fast way of doing this, if you are wanting to end it. Just put YOU first! If you need time and space to think, take that time!! Be honest and up front with him, tell him you need to think about stuff. Then DO take that time to figure out what you want out of the affair/relationship with him. Is he worth it? Or is there an unhealthy dynamic forming that won't go away? Think long term, not just "now".

[David Cain]

You knew the kind of person he was from the start.

[waytogo]

You knew the kind of person he was from the start.

 

Not necessarily. But she does now. She has all she needs for a better present and future.

[David Cain]

Not necessarily. But she does now. She has all she needs for a better present and future.

 

She knew he was married, so no need for the dramatics when things get slippery.

[waytogo]

She knew he was married, so no need for the dramatics when things get slippery.

 

She doesn't sound dramatic to me at all. She was evaluating and came to a good place to do so. She's making the right choice. There's every reason to wish her well.

[MissBee]

SVC:

 

As to the questions: the whole situation is a mess and in affairs it is difficult to know proper boundaries. In my A, my AP was the one taken and he was the most jealous and expected me to act like I was his exclusive gf meanwhile he got to have me and his gf and I should have been fine with it....it wasn't fair. I still dated whom I wanted to, but like you, was NOT open to a real relationship as part of me was reserved for this taken guy and me dating others, was to protect myself in some way from solely loving him, but it didn't work... He may or may not think the behavior is okay, but what is apparent is that he wants what he wants. There is unfortunately no way to lessen the pain except to understand that you have to go through it, and it won't kill you, and eventually you will feel better. You will not hurt from this situation always *hugs*

 

 

I can definitely empathize with you and everything you said reminded me of an article I read yesterday on the Baggage Reclaim site. I'm going to post excerpts of the parts that came to mind with regards to your situation, and you could probably check the site out for yourself. The article is titled "Stop Explaining. Stop Justifying. Stop Talking. Boundaries Are Upheld With Action". I thought it was perfect in regards to your situation of constantly explaining to this man why stuff is or is not okay, and that made me chuckle to myself with understanding as I too have found myself caught in that trap, as intelligent and rational as I am. I hope this helps with perspective!

 

Boundaries are basically your limits and also act as your personal electric fence alerting you to the fact that you’re uncomfortable or even in danger. They also communicate to others not only how they can treat you and what to expect from you, but also what they’re likely to get away with.

People only explain and keep on explaining or even justifying boundaries that they don’t believe in. It is time to start believing in what you already know – relationship insanity and the fact that certain types of behaviours and relationships don’t work for anyone.

 

 

I’m going to be honest with you – unless you’re going out with someone under the age of seven, which would be illegal, whoever you’re involved with knows the difference between right and wrong. Unless they are a teenager, it’s unlikely that you are their first relationship or the first person that has ever pointed out their shortcomings or even their complete and utter level of *******ry.

They haven’t just fallen out of the sky. They don’t need the ‘right’ person to show them the light – you’re not God or a higher power.

When you do try making a case for why they shouldn’t be doing something and why you shouldn’t be putting up with it and pacing your relationship courtroom laying out your argument, all someone that would show up to a relationship with shady carry-on does is deny it, claim their version of things is correct, or even make out like you’re the one with the problem.

Stop asking for the person that crossed or even busted your boundaries in the first place to validate your observation! It’s like being sexually harassed by a manager and then filing a complaint about them with them.

There’s no point in recognising that you need to have boundaries if you don’t apply them. There is a reason why there are code amber and code red behaviours – one is stop, look, listen, and if comfortable, proceed with caution and the other is abort mission.

 

If you struggle with boundaries, when you get a code amber, you ignore the information or have a half hearted conversation and proceed anyway even if you’re not comfortable. When you get code red, you try to convince and change them because you don’t trust your judgement, possibly because you’re scared that if you do, in two shakes of a lambs tail, they’ll turn into Mr/Miss Perfect with someone else. You don’t want to try again – you want this one to be it.

You know what people who have boundaries do when they experience something that they know is a no-go for a healthy, mutual relationship? They walk. They don’t Bet On Potential, deny, rationalise and minimise. They recognise that that they deserve better than selling themselves short.

 

Know and show your limits and if you haven’t got limits, get some. The idea of knowing these limits isn’t for you to bounce them in the hope that they’ll chase after you and make promises that they can’t keep. You should be bouncing them because you have no room for certain types of behaviour or for feeling bad about yourself.

Stop talking. They don’t need a lecture on the error of their ways or an attempt to make them feel bad about something they’re entirely comfortable with being and doing, even if in your eyes, you think it’s outrageous and ‘needs’ to change – you need it to change; they don’t.

Edited August 9, 2011 by MissBee

[Lostinlife4now]

Thanks Heart On!

 

 

I definitely let him go...and you know what? I feel really good! Enjoying my new found freedom....even though I had all the time in the world to myself....now this is a different kind of freedom...

 

It took me long enough to bounce him out of my life....BUT I DID IT......:rolleyes:

[fooled once]

Hon you need to disentangle yourself from all the crazy and spend some time alone and get yourself in a better frame of mind. It's not right to be dating when you aren't together yourself but it shouldn't have anything to do with what your mm thinks. Also.......he is playing a lot of head games with you in order to manipulate you into keeping you on a string.

 

You already know what the best thing to do would be. You can do it!

 

agree.

 

OP, you deserve so much more. I can't believe he had the audacity to get mad that you went on a date; when he was on a vacation with his wife! Every night he goes home and crawls into bed with his wife, by HIS CHOICE. He could end it, he chooses not to.

 

He knows you deserve better and he is pissed that you know you deserve better and you are done being his ego boost and done waiting for him. GOOD FOR YOU. Stay strong. Do not call him, do not text him, do not seek him out. Do not return calls, texts or anything. Let him go. Find YOU again. Find the WOMAN you are.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[David Cain]

She doesn't sound dramatic to me at all. She was evaluating and came to a good place to do so. She's making the right choice. There's every reason to wish her well.

 

Nope.......

[So Very Confused]

Negative and unhealthy relationships, reguardless if it's an affair or a regular relationship, when one feels the way you do, it's time to re-think things, take time to figure out what you want.

 

 

 

Going on a family vacation means he's continuing to live life with his wife and kids. Doesn't sound like someone who is planning on leaving.. Could be he's completely content with you on the side and staying married.

 

 

 

So MM is back and you're getting together with him tonight? Or do you mean MM is going to be calling you and you're also going to get a call from one of the guys you casually went out with? Keep in mind, if MM gets a call from his wife, he's going to take the call and not be too concerned about your feelings.. You should do the same! You don't OWE MM that courtesy. Sure your emotions and heart is what's confusing you here, don't want to hurt MM or make him jealous, but why can't you "live" life as he is too? Right? When that guy calls, tell MM 'excuse me, I need to take this call, I'll be right back' and leave the room. You don't owe him an explanation!

 

 

This is your heart calling the shots, not your mind.

 

Though I do agree with you, bringing in an innocent person into this mix isn't such a great idea, for obvious reasons.

 

Also...What if this guy has potiental? Is a real good guy? Because of what you feel for your MM, there's probably not much room in your heart, nor the desire to get to know him and allow him the chance to see where things could go...

 

 

 

Would you put up with such treatment in a regular relationship? So you are divorced due to the affair etc., but MM is still married, going on holidays with wife and kids..?? He seems to put it all on you, not taking any responsibility on his part in this. Fair? I think not.

 

 

 

Sorry, I'm confused here. He is still married and planning on leaving/divorcing his wife or did he go away with his kids and he's divorced already and you two are laying low for a while? Also, him saying he'll date others, meanwhile you've already gone on a few days and he's still married means he's being a jerk to you ON purpose. Aka because he is jealous and hurt so he's lashed out.

 

Either way, there's no easy or fast way of doing this, if you are wanting to end it. Just put YOU first! If you need time and space to think, take that time!! Be honest and up front with him, tell him you need to think about stuff. Then DO take that time to figure out what you want out of the affair/relationship with him. Is he worth it? Or is there an unhealthy dynamic forming that won't go away? Think long term, not just "now".

 

Just to clarify, I was in the process of getting a divorce when I met him. He said he was going to leave his wife but was wanted some more time with his youngest child (10 yo) before he left.

 

I get what you are saying though. Thanks for the advice about the phone calls etc. I've wondered how to handle that, but I don't think it will be an issue. I told him goodbye last night and I meant it.

[White Flower]

So very!!!

 

Had this same conversation a few months ago with xmm....I told him I would be dating and HE FLIPPED OUT.....he was walking around the table in the restaurant ranting and raving like a little child....I looked at him and said to myself...WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH THIS? He also said he would go and date other woman....and I started laughing and said YOU ARE MARRIED JACK ASS!! What a nice guy...Narcissistic DEFINITELY...He said he could not stand to see me date that he loves me....lol...well you are at home with your W constantly and I am supposed to be alone? Nope don't get that one.....Now that I have kicked him and the R to the curb....it does FEEL AMAZING.....And while I am not ready to date as of yet...I am taking some time for myself....I can't wait to get out there again.....

 

So GET RID OF HIM.....this will only bring you down....believe me I know...Been there done that...

 

The e-mail that I sent him to go into NO CONTACT was....

 

Do not call me anymore...I am tired of the bull****....go back to your wife...

you are not the man I want and I am sure neither does your wife...but she is stuck with you...Better her than ME!!

 

Have a happy and healthy life......See ya,.....:p:p:p:p

I have a friend who has recently confided in me about his A. OK, his As, lol. I saw him with a young thing at a restaurant while with my guy and a few weeks later I saw him again with an older version of her. I teased him and asked him what the new flavor of the week's name was when she went into the ladies room. I knew neither girl was his W. A few weeks later he confessed all of it with me since I'm so easy to talk to he says. (No, he is not grooming me for an A as well).

 

His M was over a long time ago and being in a new country they just don't know how to live without each other, but sex is not going on and both are fine just having roommates and raising kids together.

 

The older OW is the love of his life, the younger one who looks just like her is the revenge A. Yes, the revenge A. His revenge because the first OW will not leave her H for him. He says he cannot even get it up for the younger OW because he is so much in love with the older one. I honestly don't know what the younger one sees in him. He is twice her age and he can't even get it up with her. The older one is hyper aware, and eyeballs me every time she sees me. Not sure this is her first A, lol. Or perhaps she is threatened that I speak the same language as her MM? Who knows.

 

To the OP: it sounds as though your MM always banked on the fact that your love for him equaled a forever commitment to him. In your heart, yes this is true. In your head, well logic steps in and says wtf? You deserve full time happiness too so stop sitting at home and pining for him. I agree with most here, his selfishness abounds and if he wants you all to himself make him do something about it. He can get a D too. If not, put up and shut up. And let him have your scraps and see how he likes it.