Lots of emotions over moving out of state

[hurting_in_nw]

My ex-wife and I divorced over four years ago after she revealed an affair she was having. It was a very ugly time for me, I was consumed by anger over the betrayal, and still deal with a lot of anger towards the OM, to whom she is now married. One of the main issues I dealt with was the idea of redemption…that someone who could so easily abandon what we had spent 8 years building, who could be so cold and callous about the whole thing…certainly there must be a "price" that those people should pay at some point. For a long time I relished the thought of it, dreamed about it; that moment when karma would come back to bite them both in some way.

 

Well, now it appears that moment has arrived, and I'm very conflicted about it. My girlfriend of two years and I both work for the same company in our small town, where unemployment is very high and opportunities are scarce. Back in January, our parent company announced that they are consolidating operations and would be closing down the facility here. In the process, my girlfriend and I were both offered promotions with significant pay increases if we moved to the LA area. I discussed this with my son's mother, and although she is sad about it, she agreed that our son could come with me and my girlfriend to Los Angeles.

 

At the time we first discussed me possibly moving, she said something odd, that it was evident our son "loves me more than her." I told her that was not only an untrue statement, but an unhealthy way to view her relationship with her child. Kids love both their parents, and while my son certainly identifies with me more, I think that's a natural thing between fathers and sons, plus the fact that although he sees her regularly, he spends more time with me. When we divorced, she was OK with giving me custodial custody, which meant he would be with me Sunday - Wednesday nights, with her on Thursday nights (Friday & Saturday nights as well if she wasn't working, which came out to every other weekend). Plus, we have been very flexible, allowing unplanned times when things come up. She lives in the same neighborhood as I do, less than a half-mile away, which has been ideal. However, I think it was naive of her to expect that it could/would last forever.

 

Part of me feels that for the first time, she is finally feeling some serious consequences for ending our marriage. As I said earlier, that was something that I used to think about a lot (although less and less over time). Although most of our communications are fairly business-like at this stage, today she asked if we could take a break from discussing all this, as it is becoming very difficult for her to face the fact that we are leaving, and she will have to go long periods of time without seeing her son (and vice-versa). That made me very sad, to be quite honest.

 

In making my decision to accept the job in LA, I really thought long and hard and looked at it from every angle. The alternative--having our entire household income vanish, struggling to find similar-paying jobs in this environment, facing foreclosure, etc.--seems worse to me than us moving and separating my son from his mother. I do not feel guilt about the decision I've made, and to be honest, my son, although sad about certain aspects, is excited about the adventure ahead.

 

What I'm conflicted about is that finally, after all these years, I am seeing my ex-wife "pay" for what she's done, in a sense. And while I expected that when this day came, I would feel vindicated, I really don't. It just makes me feel crappy about everything all over again. I guess if there's a point that others can take away from my experience, it's too not waste too much energy thinking about those who have wronged you being "paid back" in some way. When it does happen, it might not feel as good as you think. Thanks for reading.

[Bito]

Thanks for shareing your story.

 

I am 3 months out after my breakup. I found out she was cheating on me and she is now in a relationship with the OM. I wish ill things upon them both and pray for some form of charmatic justice. I want to see her go through the pain of loss that I did. I want to see her face her problems like a normal human being. Not always just run away.

 

I hate her for what she did to me. I know I shouldn't but I do. Should I be trying to change my feelings for her? It feels right to let the anger and hate consume me.

[hurting_in_nw]

Sorry to hear about your situation Bito. At the stage you're at, anger is a normal reaction. You will go through all the stages of grieving your loss. But to let it consume you? No, I don't think that is right. I did the same thing, to the point where I honestly feel I did myself physical harm because of the stress.

 

I don't know if you can change your feelings for her. At best, you can hope for indifference...you just won't have feelings for her either way anymore. But that takes time. I used to feel the same way early on in the process...I too wanted to see my ex-wife face her problems and not just run away. Now, I don't really care what she does; that's for her new husband to care about, not me. The only concern I have for her is with relation to our son. I would like her to be a healthy, well-adjusted human being for his sake more than anything.

 

Are you doing any sort of counseling? I think it's mandatory for anyone who is a victim of infidelity and I highly recommend it if you're not.

[Bito]

I cant even imagine what it must feel like to add kids to the equation. At least I have the ability to go NC.

 

As for seeing a profetional to talk to, I tried about a month ago but found it very unhelpful. perhaps I should try a different person.