why does his beers bother me?

[BOWWIE]

i get so mad about my boyfriends drinking even though i know he does not drink all that much, yet it really pisses me off to the point that i want total control of it, and if i had total control of his drinking he would not never ever have another drink. the reason this is coming up right now is because softball season has just started and tonight he is at softball and of course afterwards, win or lose, they all have to go and have a beer after the game. not anywhere, but right there, someone has to bring beer for after the game. why do drinking and sports HAVE to go hand in hand? his brother does not drink after the games, but most of them do cept for him, but i get so mad at hiem because of it. he has to drink a beer or two every where we go. when we go to dinner, or at home he always has a glass of wine most nights, but i do not say much about the wine at home, but just all the other times why does he have to have a stupid beer? or should the question be, why do i feel the need to control this? or just plain ole hate this aspect of him? does it mean i need help and not him? he is not an alcoholic i guess anyway cause he does not drink that much, but just the fact that he has to have a beer with every occassion pisses me off!

[Sundaymorning]

you know if it bothers you, you need to talk about it. sports and beer go hand in hand...its how it goes. if you cant deal with this, move on. young men and many older men are freakin OBSESSED with beer. luckily i caught one that wasnt...which is something few and very far in between... go catch you one.

[befuddled11]

Give the guy a break!

 

Most every guy I've known, dated, or been friends with, has done the "beer with sports" thing. What's the big deal? Is it hurting you? Is it impacting you? Cut the guy some slack. You're not his mother. Sounds like you just want to be in control of him.

 

Aren't you the same person who posted not long ago that if your boyfriend and you decide to do something and he decides to then do something else, or the cat looks at you the wrong way, or it's trash day..that your whole day is ruined? If so, I still think you need professional help. You sound like a control-freak.

 

Why don't you get out and get some hobbies or interests..and then maybe you will be busy enough in your life that you won't find such silly mundane things to fuss over and try to control. sheesh!

[Sundaymorning]

I completely feel like she is allowed to feel this way. I sell beer on weekends and I know how ppl act when they drink. They do it to be cool, lets face it. anyways, if this upsets her, so be it. geez.

[BOWWIE]

YOU know if it was once in a while then fine, so be it. It is not though. It is everything, everytime and in my opinion too much of the time.

 

Yes, it bothers, or I would not of come here. Maybe I am a control freak, but even if I am, his drinking is not healthy for him, and if it causes problems for our relationship, then something needs to be done for that reason alone too. You think?

 

I have a life, I have hobbies, friends, pets, family, a job, the whole smear. These things are after the day is done - not during the day when, say, I might be out having lunch with a co-worker - but in the evenings mostly. Maybe you enjoy waking up to the smell of stale beer breath on some guy, but I don't!

[befuddled11]

Well this is what you originally wrote, despite the fact that you're *NOW* claiming the problem is his beer breath:

 

i get so mad about my boyfriends drinking even though i know he does not drink all that much, yet it really pisses me off to the point that i want total control of it, and if i had total control of his drinking he would not never ever have another drink.

 

You've admitted it yourself. You want to control him.

 

Here again:

 

but just all the other times why does he have to have a stupid beer? or should the question be, why do i feel the need to control this? or just plain ole hate this aspect of him?

 

You "HATE" this aspect of him? That's extreme. The guy has a beer or 2 with the guys, after playing softball, and you hate that aspect of him? What on earth for?

 

he is not an alcoholic i guess anyway cause he does not drink that much, but just the fact that he has to have a beer with every occassion pisses me off!

 

So what's the problem? Does he come home drunk? Doesn't seem so, based on your post. You've not explained why you're so angered by your adult boyfriend having a beer now and then? Is this occasional drinking of a beer or 2 interfering with his ability to hold down a job? Pay the bills? Get along with you? You need to identify WHY this offends you so. Sounds more to me like you just want to be in control of what he does or doesn't do.

 

So what about the beer breath......eating garlic or onions gives a person bad breath..are you going to hate him for eating garlic or onions?

 

Just because he does something you don't do yourself, doesn't mean he's wrong. It all seems pretty petty.....you've not identified one solid reason why his having a beer with the guys after a ball game is so offensive to you.

[Papillon]

I'm with befuddled on this.

 

The point is, what if he had a coke every time? Would that piss you off?

 

So what is it that pisses you off? Does his behaviour change when he's had a brewski? If so, yes, THEN you have a point. Otherwise it's just your own insecurity.

[BOWWIE]

I came here with a damm problem with his drinking, duh, don't you get it, any of you? i admitted his drinking bothers me because it is always there. we could go out to dinner seven nights a week and he would be drinking then those seven nights a week. yes it bothers me, that is what i am saying.

 

i have no idea of WHY it bothers me. sure you can minimize it all you want, and maybe i am insecure and or controling about it, but nonetheless it is an issue to me and that is what the problem is. sitting here telling me i am a control freak, over reacting, etc, does not help me one bit nor does saying what if it was a coke, etc. you have given me no help here on this subject so just drop it.

 

bviously no one understands that to me it is a problem he is a great and wonderful and loving man other then this, so no, i would not leave him for this, but it just puts a ton of stress on me. just forget it becauase none of you whom have responded so far understand a word of what i said, typical.

[Tony T]

I can understand how you feel. I don't like a lot of drinking around me either. It's doubtful he's going to do anything about this until he sees the problem that it is. It's an addiction. You will have to take the lead and let him know if he doesn't get help you'll be out of the picture soon. No, you don't want to leave him now but in time it will get the best of you. Your patience will wear out and love grows thin over time. There's no good reason why you should be made to endure this stuff. I know just how unpleasant it can be.

 

Perhaps if you could get him into treatment or counselling, this could help. I will tell you, it can only get worse unless some definitive action is taken to get him to reduce his consumption.

[BOWWIE]

i understand what you are saying about this tony, and i really hope it wont come to that! he went to counseling before for another issue and talked to the counselor about it and the counselor did not see anything wrong with his "occasional drinking" as they put it.

 

i am sure that to most maybe it does not seem like a lot and like i said it is not a daily thing still it is something that i have to put up with each time we go somewhere and at times when he has not had a beer i sat there feeling so guilty because i felt that he has that right to have his beers if he so chooses.

 

he also has a right to leave me if he feels so inclned to do so. i guess i am just so anti-drinking that it makes sense i would end up with someone who is so totally opposite. the book "the seat of the soul" talks about this very thing. it says that we repeat lessons in life till me learn from them.

 

i wonder what i am suppose to learn from this? i feel it could be a lesson i need to learn as it is a constant issue for me. i just have to figure out what the lesson is i need to learn. maybe it has to do with compassion, or understanding or losing control, giving up control, or who knows what for sure. thank you for the help.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by BOWWIE

I came here with a damm problem with his drinking, duh, don't you get it, any of you? i admitted his drinking bothers me because it is always there. we could go out to dinner seven nights a week and he would be drinking then those seven nights a week. yes it bothers me, that is what i am saying.

 

You seem to be adding more information, each time you respond to our responses. All you originally complained about was the fact that the poor guy plays on a softball team and had a couple of beers after the game. Okay, so apparently that's a problem for you......is it our fault we don't understand why? I played mixed softball for years and years, in a competitive *and* beer league. I'm a woman by the way. There was always a flat or 2 of beer for the guys to have a drink after the game, or anyone who wanted one. Beiing that I'm not much of a drinker, I'd just pass it up, no biggie. It surely didn't get me all bent out of shape if a boyfriend who was playing on the team would partake in a brewski or 2. There's much bigger things to take issue with in life, I would think.

 

[qipte]i have no idea of WHY it bothers me. sure you can minimize it all you want, and maybe i am insecure and or controling about it, but nonetheless it is an issue to me and that is what the problem is. sitting here telling me i am a control freak, over reacting, etc, does not help me one bit nor does saying what if it was a coke, etc. you have given me no help here on this subject so just drop it.

 

 

Ahhh, a clear case of "if you don't take my side and tell me what I want to hear, then I'll get all snitty and tell you all to just drop it."

 

You come to this "free" advice forum, seeking the opinions and advice of those reading. None of us here are paid to do so, none of us here are in any way obligated to take your side in things. I'll stand by my point that you've really not identified or expressed why his having a beer bothers you so much. You actually ADMITTED that you want to "control him"..so my response was based on that. Wanting to control someone and their actions and behavior is unhealthy. If a partner's behavior is so offensive and stressful, then leave the relationship and find someone else who's behavior is more in line with yours.

 

I think it's arrogant and presumptuous of you to expect that we're going to "help you" with this problem that you alone have. You admitted you want to control him, and I suggested you seek professional help because in light of your past posts that indicate you have a lot of issues, I don't think *we* can help you the way you need.

 

Obviously no one understands that to me it is a problem he is a great and wonderful and loving man other then this, so no, i would not leave him for this, but it just puts a ton of stress on me. just forget it becauase none of you whom have responded so far understand a word of what i said, typical.

 

You've failed to indicate WHY this puts so much stress on you. It makes no sense to me and I'm being honest. Why does it stress you out so much that your boyfriend has a beer or 2 with the boys after playing softball stress you out so much? You can accuse us of not being helpful, and of not understanding you til the cows come home, but it's not our fault if you don't explain your "issue" with this a lot better.

 

I think it's really out of line for you to get all snippy with us because we "don't understand a word" you've said, and that it's "typical." If you don't like the advice and responses you seek here, you're more than free to find a professional in your area who can give you what you seem to need.

[bluechocolate]

The health benefits of moderate alcohol consumption have long been known. One of the earliest scientific studies on the subject was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1904.

 

 

The Director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recently wrote that "Numerous well-designed studies have concluded that moderate drinking is associated with improved cardiovascular health," and the Nutrition Committee of the American Heart Association recently reported that "The lowest mortality occurs in those who consume one or two drinks per day." Several years ago a World Health Organization Technical Committee on Cardiovascular Disease asserted that the relationship between moderate alcohol consumption and reduced death from heart disease could no longer be doubted. But the benefits are not limited, important as they are, to reductions in heart disease.

 

http://www2.potsdam.edu/alcohol-info/AlcoholAndHealth.html

[BOWWIE]

i have heard that as well and also with wine which he drinks most evenings of the week and i do not say much about it, even though he just started this wine trip about six months ago and never did that before, so now it is a routine of his. if it is suppose to help with cardiovascular then why is his cholesterol level so high? i am sure it cannot help with that!

 

so today i emailed him and told him how i feel about this new softball season starting and having to deal with his weekend beers in addition to the rest of times he has to have them. he told me he is not hurting anyone, and i said he is hurting me and he asked how? i told him because it is a pain that everytime we go somewhere he has to have a dammed beer, and to me that is a problem since he cannot have fun without it. so now he says i am the one with the problem, which is why i had come here in the first place, because i know i have a problem with his drinking, duh again, so now he wants us to go to couples counseling for this problem because he is 'NOT GOING TO BE HASSLED ALL SUMMER ABOUT THIS".

 

since his counselor did not see anything wrong with his drinkng because it is not a daily ocurance, she is in agreement with him and that is against my case. we would see a different counselor about this and i would get picked apart for my hate of drinking. either way, if i got to the bottom of why i hate it does NOT mean i am going to accept it!

[bluechocolate]

then you should leave him

[EnigmaXOXO]

Bowwie,

 

I can understand your concern that your boyfriend's dependency on alcohol may be increasing. And if you've ever experienced alcoholism in your family or past relationships, it may explain your heightened diversion to it.

 

I was married to a full-blown alcoholic (a case of beer and fifth of gin per day), and the disease was later inherited by my own daughter. My father was also a heavy beer drinker …his sister (my aunt) died of cirrhosis of the liver because of her daily beer consumption. When I look back in retrospect, I can never remember seeing my aunt when she wasn’t buzzed. The smell of stale beer permeated out of her pores. Of course, I was too young to understand what alcoholism was then. We had a HUGE family, and it was a part of every holiday, ballgame, and backyard family get-together…and EVERYBODY drank. We grew up around it, and it became something we were conditioned to think was a part of normal family life.

 

You would think given what I’ve learned since then, I would shy away from choosing a man who would ever bring alcohol to his lips. Quite the contrary. My current partner enjoys having a beer after a stressful day at work. The difference between his responsible drinking and my ex-husband’s dependency and disease are as different as night and day.

 

I’ve never seen my current partner drunk, while in the early years of my marriage, I never saw my husband sober. While my partner has never missed a day at work because he had too much to drink the night before, I’ve lost count of how many days my ex-husband missed because he couldn’t crawl out of bed. While my partner will switch to drinking water before bedtime when he feels he’s reached his limit, ‘A beer’ would be the first thing my husband grabbed in the morning, the first thing he grabbed from the refrigerator at work, and the last thing he grabbed before going to bed at night.

 

Alcoholism is an inherited disease much like the propensity towards diabetes. You and I could be alcoholics for all we know; we just haven’t consumed enough over time to trigger the gene. The councilors who helped my husband through recovery explained it to us like this:

 

If you had ten people sitting at a bar, all of them drinking the same amount of alcohol, the same number of days, with the same frequency…only one of them out of the ten would develop a physical addiction because they had inherited the disease which had remained dormant until it was triggered. All the rest of the nine would still be able to function normally with the exception of developing a psychological “dependency” on alcohol…meaning, they relied on alcohol socially as a means to relax and feel as if they were having a good time.

 

BUT…(and note this)…psychological “dependency” on alcohol CAN lead to full-blown alcoholism (or physical addiction) if the disease has been inherited. Unfortunately, most folks don’t even know they are at risk for alcoholism until its already too late.

 

So how does one know if they are physically addicted or just psychologically dependant?

WITHDRAW symptoms! Not your usual ‘Sunday morning hang-over’, rather several days of the shakes (or DTs) when the drinker has gone without alcohol for an extended period of time. Anxiousness, restlessness, physical illness and an overwhelming desire to drink again to relieve the symptoms. It’s just like any other chemical addiction.

 

Additionally, when an alcoholic resumes drinking, not only does it calm the withdrawal symptoms, but it actually helps them to function normally again. While alcohol works as a depressant for those who are not physically addicted (we get drowsy and want to sleep…even pass out), for the alcoholic the effects can be quite the opposite. Instead, alcohol worked as a STIMULENT for my husband. Not until grabbing that first beer in the morning was he ready to tackle his day. At night, he would toss and turn unable to sleep until the effects of his all day binge-drinking began to wear off.

 

Keep a close eye on your boyfriend for any of the above signs. If he is able to go for an extended period of time without drinking, and without withdraw symptoms, you may not have anything to worry about yet. Continue to encourage him to monitor his consumption so that it does not become a problem later on. Meanwhile, if you are thoroughly put off by any alcohol consumption whatsoever, you may want to reconsider whether your relationship is worth all the undo stress it is causing you. I can’t stand stinky beer-breath either, but I also know there are those who would be equally bothered by my cigarettes.

[BOWWIE]

i was just sitting here thinking how easily his drinking could be the death of our relationship because at times i hate it so much!

 

i guess i am just feelng angry and frustrated thinking about the long ass summer ahead and the battles about this again.

 

then some stupid rational voice pops into my head telling me that he does not really drink that much if i looked at it the right way, what ever that means..

 

he drinks a glass o f wine at home most nights, but not all

nights...we go to the dumb bar every other weekend where he drinks five beers then we go home., he has a beer or two when we go to dinner, he has a beer or two at every baseball, football, basketball, hockey game etc that he goes to, mind you though we/he don't go very often but when we/he goes he has to have the beer too, he says it is just part of the game, hmmm, i guess everyone there then is having a beer as well except me okay, so looking at that way, he does not have them that often but he does have them with each thing

 

iknow we have discussed this before, that it is just the fact that he can't go without when they go to these things

am i over reacting to his drinking? he thinks it is because of the abusive boyfriends i had that were drunks, and or because my mom drank a lot and left me home alone alot to be watched by my sisters and they never watched me though, they didn't want me around them, so i learned to fend for myself and ran wild when my mom went out and then even when she was home too..i got out of control and did drugs and drank myself...

 

but i did alot of that then i got pregnant with my first born i stopped it all, instantly! after i had him, i smoked cigs and had some pot sometimes but that was the extend of it all. later about two years or so later, i started doing some pot again with a boyfriend who drank like a fish, his drinking did not bother me, but him being at the bar all the time bothered me, but i smoked the pot with him and friends at my house just for some dumb reason i cant even think of now.

 

when the hell did i turn into such a prude? so anti drinking/drugs, etc...i dunno what to do anymore with myself and the way i feel, think and or act about things...

 

i think about leaving here again when these things come up! i feel it best for him to let him live his life in peace and harmony and do what he needs and wants to do with his life, so he does not feel deprived of a life

 

then i think of h im with someone else, loving her, holding her, being ohhh sooooo haaaaapy like he never knew me, like he would be happier with her then he ever was with me,and that kills me

 

but you know it should make me happy,.happy that if i left him so he could pursue his life the way he wants, that if he finds happiness with someone else well then that is what i had set him free to do in the first place right?

 

so it would hurt, but it should make me happy if he finds someone who like himself likes to have a few beers here and there now and then. i know alot of his exes were also alcoholics, and when i met him he was as well. he drank every night of the week!

i love him that i want to set him free from me...so he can live his own life and i don't have to stress about everytime he has a beer.

am i beyond hope here?

 

you know, i just don't believe that it is something in my past that causes me to be rebellious about it, but i just guess i cant be sure either then. either way, he thinks i have the problem with my past that is inflicting these issues on him today, and i swear it is not. but? so i say he has the drinking problem and he says i have the hang up. either way i am wrong about this according to him, and once i get over my hang up about it i wont hassle him anymore.

 

i have challened him before to give it up for two lousy weeks and the pressure of it was too much! he would not do it, he could not do it, his excuse was that he does not have to do it to prove anything to me, which to me proved he could not do it!

[EnigmaXOXO]

when the hell did i turn into such a prude? so anti drinking/drugs, etc...i dunno what to do anymore with myself and the way i feel, think and or act about things...

 

Perhaps things turned around and you finally grew up when you became a mother? Maybe during your moment of clarity you looked back over your life and decided, for your son’s sake, that you would become the responsible parent you felt you never had?

 

I can’t remember where I’ve heard it, but I remember someone once saying: “We only fear that which has hurt us before.”

 

Of course, you would have some serious issues regarding alcohol and drugs given what you’ve been through and experienced yourself. You’ve seen it ruin lives. It’s even had a serious impact on yours. Much like the ex-smoker who preaches the strongest against those who still light up, you have turned your own recovery into a personal vendetta which makes you resentful towards any kind of substance use or abuse.

 

This isn’t unusual, however. As a matter of fact, its probably been very beneficial, even necessary, in helping you to remain vigilant over your own recovery. Your internal battle has manifested into an external one.

 

You stated two things in your last post that leaves me questioning the seriousness of your boyfriend’s drinking habit:

 

i know alot of his exes were also alcoholics, and when i met him he was as well. he drank every night of the week!

 

Was he clinically diagnosed with alcoholism? Did he quit drinking on his own, or did he go through a treatment program?

 

If you know for a fact that he was ‘physically’ addicted, and he has started drinking again after a period of recovery, than his drinking again would signal a ‘relapse.’ He would not be able to control or monitor the amount of his consumption and he would gradually begin to increase the amounts. The biggest mistake most recovered alcoholics make is after a period of sobriety, they start thinking that ‘this time’ they can manage their drinking and handle “just one.” It’s the key factor in why an alcoholic has a 99% chance of finding themselves back in rehab…whether it be 1 year later, ten years later; or twenty.

 

i have challened him before to give it up for two lousy weeks and the pressure of it was too much! he would not do it, he could not do it, his excuse was that he does not have to do it to prove anything to me, which to me proved he could not do it!

 

It’s hard to say whether he “can’t” or “won’t.” Perhaps he should accept the challenge, not only for you, but for himself, to see whether or not he can refrain from drinking for a period of one month. If he can do it, you promise not to ride him so hard unless you start noticing some real physical and behavioral changes. If he can’t do it, then it would absolutely signal that he has a problem. But it would take a clinical professional to determine whether his drinking was alcohol addiction, or alcohol dependency.

 

Until then, its up to you to decide what is best for you and your son. But remember, all the badgering in the world won’t stop your boyfriend from drinking unless HE admits he has a problem. The only person we have control over is ourselves. So don’t loose sight of yourself, your son, and what is best for the two of you in the process.

 

Crap. I apologize for being so darn looooooong winded!

[BOWWIE]

i guess first i should say my son is now 30. one of those things you are thnking in your head but forget to say aloud. sorry. you make some really good points. one with the asking him to go one month without drinking and if he can do it then i will cut him some slack. i will bring this up to him but not expect him to do it. a little bit of background may be in order here for him: he had a drug addiction for ten years before i had met him. when we met he had been clean for about six months. he did drink every night and i had thought maybe he traded one addiction for another and somewhere down the road he did admit that. he slowly gave up the drinking every night when i was going to end the relationship as i did not want another alcoholic boyfriend, never ever! so he went to drinking at home, then finally to non alcoholic beers. we did still go out every single weekend both nights for many years, till about six months ago i begged of him to change it to every other weekend and that is what we do now, one night every other weekend which he does not like but i love! if i had my way we would never go to the bars but go figure that is where we met! the other things you say, that the history i had would make me like i am now. i just honestly do not see it. i do not see that my moms being at the bar all the time has an impact on me today or the several abusive boyfriends i had has an impact either. i consciously do not see it, but am not dismissing the posibility becausei know it has been a factor in many a people. i know the analogy of the smoker becoming a non smoker and i am a recovering smoker as well but and he smokes and i do not harp on his smoking but once in a while i bring it up, only because i worry about the 2nd hand smoke and of course for his health as well. you make some really good points on all this and i am going to think about this whole thing somemore and see what i can come up with from here. this is something that i was looking for, not being told other things that did not make sense or help me to see anything different then what i already know. thanks so much for "being long winded".

[unforgiven]

Bowwie

 

I too know how you feel, for I am the same way. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and when i was young I felt he chose alcohol over me. He promised me several times that he would stop, but couldnt, and i found myself one time at the age of 12 driving his truck back home because he was drunk and went to sleep in it---i got him in the passenger side and took him home---he had taught me how to drive on some dirt roads around the house. This eventually lead to withdrawal from him, mainly due to my parents finding out and keeping me away. He died alone and miserable, wasting so much that he had worked for and people who loved him.

 

So now i have a deal with alcohol, and see people using it as a social thing, whether it is beer with the boys or these new age wine experts. I just view it as a crutch, and dont hang around people who drink to excess. Perhaps you think like I did concerning my last girlfriend. She always had to have a few beers everytime we went out, and I always perceived a slippery slope she was on which could lead to problems in the future. Maybe they were ill conceived, but i was always concerned about her drinking to excess if she ever found herself ina problem. She was a depressive also, and i thought it was not very bright to pour a depressant over anti-depressant drugs, even though she said she only drank a few beers on the weekends to relax her. I saw signs pointing elsewhere, however.

 

I told her about my past experiences with alcohol, even though I never insisted she stop drinking it. She knew it bothered me, and I would never pay for her beers with dinner, even though i always paid for everything else. I just told her I wasnt into buying drugs for her that I thought could be harmful in the future.

 

There are plenty of people out there who dont drink, and dont feel pressured to do so in a social situation. My GF and I eventually split up over several issues, but I always thought that by her not respecting my feelings and give up beer, especially around me, that it was a sign of disrespect, and that if she couldnt do this one simple thing then she was not disciplined enough to hang around me. If she wasnt addicted some how, i just thought she could stop. I drank soft drinks for 25 years and just gave them up one day, and havent had one in 5 years. It is nothing more than pet peeve of mine based on past experience, and you just have to weigh the pros and cons of dealing with people who use alcohol. I am not prudish about it around people and say nothing to them about it ---they can drink all they want, its just that i will not participate or buy it, and i will find an excuse to leave if they begin to have too much. They make their choices, and i make mine, and as long as their interests dont conflict with mine, then we dont have a problem.

 

She just had a few beers, and several times that ended up being a few too many, and she would get loud and slightly obnoxious. She sometimes made the same argument about the health benefits of a few drinks....I just told her to take an aspirin if she was worried about her heart.

 

Dont worry about some people on this site----they have many problems. You will find what you want, but sometimes you have to wade through self rightous bullsh.. from pseudo -psychologists and self proclaimed intellectuals and grammer and punctuation professors. They dont realize that you cant say everything in a post.

 

If this guy has an addictive past, and doesnt show any concern for your fears of his drinking leading to future problems, then i think i'd search for greener pastures elsewhere. There are others to chose from who do not need this crutch, and you will always be in doubt of alcohol's effect on your life. take care.

[deesgirl]

If you hate drinking so much, why did you start dating a drinker to begin with? You knew from the beginning, so it's not fair to try to change him into what you want him to be.

[BOWWIE]

hi unforgiven, i can truly commisterate with your pain on losing someone you love to alcohol, i'm sorry for your loss through that way even if it was a long time ago. i think if someone drinks just socially and it is not a problem for them to give it up then there really is no problem. others it seems even if they think they have no problem but it still hurts someone they love and loves them and they refuse to give it up or at least not have it on every occassion then maybe there is a problem.

 

my boyfrineds point is that he does not hurt me, nor embarrass me/us or anyone else, he is a quiet social drinker at these times, he does not get rowdy or cause any problems, it is just the fact that i get so tired of it having to be in our presence when we go somewhere. that gets real tiring youknow?

 

deesgirl: i met him in a bar that i was dragged to with a friend. we hit it off really good, we had so much in common, and he continually called me and kept calling me for dates. all of our dates for months were at bars. i enjoyed his company so much that i did not mind for a while. then all the late nights started getting to me. he handled his beer extremely well, never waivering or getting nasty or nothing. after a few months i did tell him that i did not like this life style any longer.

 

he of course accussed me of trying to change him, the same ole blah blah blah song they do. so i told him straight up that i could not deal with it and did not want to deal with it anymore. he said i was throwing him away like an old shoe. he showed up at my apartment the next night with his own beer to drink at home. that was fine for a while then i seen it was the same ole pattern just not at the bars. it took a while longer again for him to stop doing that too and started drinking only a few at home every other night. i seen him trying at least so i stuck it out with him. so i did try to break it off with him.

 

you have to understand that it all came together so slowly that i did not even realzie how bad it was tilli was in love with him and in the midst of it all! now here it is a few years later and i am still battling this crap with him. i love him so very much in my heart, i do not want to leave him over this, i just don't want beer to be involved as part of our social life everywhere we go! if i am the one with the hang up then i am willing to admit it, if going to couples counseling with him is going to help us then i will go.

 

however, it probably wont change my mind about how i feel about it, so i dont know if it is worth it. he thinks us going is going to be in his favor because he sees it as know problem but i see it as a pain in the booty. i guess time will tell what the counseling will reveil and that will tell us the next step in our relatinoship.

[Papillon]

Originally posted by Tony

Perhaps if you could get him into treatment or counselling, this could help. I will tell you, it can only get worse unless some definitive action is taken to get him to reduce his consumption.

 

THE GUY IS HAVING A BEER FOR CHRISSAKES!

 

God help us all for having to go into counseling for having a beer with the game on Saturday

[moimeme]

Papillon, you really have to read the history. The guy has a history of addictions.

[Kat]

Originally posted by BOWWIE

but i do not say much about the wine at home, but just all the other times why does he have to have a stupid beer?

You mean when he drinks when you are not there.

 

Sounds like you are just jealous and want to control his drinking when you are not around. Sounds highly childish and obssesive on your part to me.

[moimeme]

It is a very valid concern to worry that a person with a history of addictions might be becoming addicted to something else. It is not jealous, controlling, childish, or obsessive in the least.