My fiance's "solution" to finance our wedding

[limelily]

So this is my first post and just wanted to vent about how my engagement has gone so far...

 

My fiance proposed to me on Mother's Day with our son there. It was a great setting and circumstance but...He didn't get down on 1 knee...he didn't say too much...it just wasn't really what I imagined. After getting over the "buzz" of being newly engaged, these things have began to slightly bother me. Also, my ring looks like a promise ring. Its small and not me. My fiance wasn't even proud to give it to me and knew that it was too small!

 

Anyways, at the beginning I was doing a lot of planning and my fiance seemed to be on board for this. We set a budget, determined that we would be paying for everything, had the whole vision/theme set, and decided we would get married probably summer of 2013...which all was fine with me!

 

Now, "there's no money". No money? There was money when he went and bought another dirtbike last month. I checked, it cost more than my ring....which is disappointing because I have to look at my ring for (hopefully, fingers crossed) the rest of my life! That dirtbike? Won't be around for THAT long. I have starting saving strictly for the wedding.

 

His idea to fund the wedding:

1. Sell condo.

2. Buy house.

3. Get loan/second mortgage/equity from the new house to fund our wedding.

4. When we get cash from wedding gifts, we'll just pay back the loan.

 

This is totally wrong to me!

 

I told him that there's no reason for us to fund the wedding that way. I have taken a wedding planning course and know all planning every aspect of a wedding. This is NOT necessary! and frankly...it seems rude to use cash presents to pay off the wedding debt! Not to mention, I think spending it on a honeymoon would be nice!

 

He knows how I feel about his plan. Now, he says there's no money for the wedding. I want to make it clear that we are not broke. We are comfortable and both have great/stable careers. My fiance is the type of person to stress now, work it out later. He is great with money, but frankly, slightly crazy. Now, we don't even have a YEAR of when we're getting married.

 

I feel robbed of everything I thought being engaged would be like....and I almost resent him, want to call off the engagement, and tell him to get it right and do it again. Get on one knee...tell me exactly how he feels about us and what he wants our life to be like...give me a ring that he is proud of...have a date in mind...help me save strictly for our wedding...

 

What in the world do I do....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Did you by chance drop heavy hints here and there about wanting to be engaged/married before the fact? From the way he is acting, it sounds like he was not really on board to begin with and his limp proposal/thoughtless ring was more to placate you than anything else.

 

You sound excited about being married and from what you post - he clearly isn't. You want something from him that he does not want. Money isn't the problem. Its the excuse. He is suggesting ways to pay for the wedding/honeymoon that he knows 100% that you won't go for but still allows him to say that it is you who is holding things up (way to assuage guilt and blame shift, I guess).

 

He is manufacturing roadblocks - until you figure out why, there is no point in going further with your wedding planning. If I had to hazard a guess, he is likely one of those 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' type of guys who has everything like he likes it and sees no real reason to get married since you are already living like a married couple and would rather spend money on other stuff.

[Eeyore79]

I agree with Lucrezia - it sounds like he wasn't on board with the whole wedding thing to begin with. The proposal was lack-luster, and then he went and spent all the wedding money on a bike. He really isn't that keen on getting married!

 

If you didn't have a son with him, I'd tell you to leave him and find someone who actually wants to marry you. But as you have a child, you're going to have to try to work this out with him. Have a chat with him about your concerns, and find out his true feelings about marriage. Don't go ahead with it unless he's 100% committed, and definitely don't sell your home to fund what is essentially a big party. If he truly isn't into you, it might be a better long term option to just break up and find someone else.

[limelily]

Thank you for your advice LucreziaBorgia & Eeyore79. I really appreciate it!

 

What I failed to mention was the fact that a lot of our friend's in relationships were getting engaged/married last year. I was fine with this and I made it clear to my fiance that I am not the type of woman to nag him about getting married. I never nagged him or even dropped hints. We both were on the same page about the fact that we do want to get married one day. He was the one who (out of the blue) told me to take a look on the internet at what kind of ring I want and email him some pics. I sent two, which might I add, are not at all what I got. Anyways, I left it at that because I like surprises and didn't want to know when he would be proposing. That was in March and we got engaged two months later. I had NO idea! I was super stunned and totally caught off guard.

 

At first we would talk about wedding plans. I started a Pinterest page and posted pictures of ideas for our wedding and would show it to him every now and then to keep him updated, see what he likes, what he doesn't like. We decided on save the dates, invitations, a photographer, and a catering company. All was good up until a month ago. I just don't get what happened within the last month.

 

I have put off wedding planning for the past month. I don't even look at magazines, the internet, my Pinterest page, because I know it is just a waste of time right now.

 

I don't know how to approach him at this point regarding wedding plans. The last time I did, I got really upset and told him that I didn't ask to be propsed to. I would have been fine they way we were for another 3 years! I just feel that now that there is a ring on my finger, I should be planning. It goes hand in hand, does it not?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe he is just now understanding the reality of cost/time? A lot of the excitement of weddings tends to pale when the numbers start adding up.

[Lucky_One]

How deeply in love with him are you?

 

I am asking, because I have never seen a woman who was crazy in love with her man sound so upset at the manner of the proposal.

[limelily]

How deeply in love with him are you?

 

I am asking, because I have never seen a woman who was crazy in love with her man sound so upset at the manner of the proposal.

 

 

I am in love with him...or else I wouldn't even care to work this out. With that said, I know that I could be deeper in love with him if certain important areas in our relationship can be resolved.

 

I feel that if HE was that deep in love with me, the proposal wouldn't have gone the way it did...I feel that I deserve better than that...more romantic than it was. The ring isn't what I wanted, but it is a lovely ring...I'm not going to throw it in his face and tell him to get me exactly what I wanted. I feel that he didn't think or pay attention enough. The proposal itself isn't the deal breaker here though.

 

Its hard to be crazy in love with someone when they aren't crazy in love with you. I am posting on this forum because I badly want that and believe that we do have the potential to get to that point.

[Lucky_One]

This whole big important romantic proposal is very new. The videotron, the sky-writer, the billboard, the public display of how much he loves you isn't typical.

 

Aren't you simply just THRILLED that he asked you to be his wife? I mean, jumping up and down, giddy inside JUST from being engaged to the man who holds your heart?

 

Perhaps he can tell that you are disappointed in his proposal and his choice of ring, and so he isn't nearly as excited about wedding planning and spending, when you aren't putting the MARRIAGE as being far more important that a PROPOSAL or a WEDDING.

[thatsonlyme]

you two clearly have different ideas about marriage.

first off, you should understand that guys are generally speaking not nearly as excited about wedding as women are. it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

you should ask yourself what's more important to you: a dream wedding or a great life with somebody you love and who loves you? this is of course assuming that you two get along well in other aspects of life, otherwise you shouldn't be getting married at all!

maybe his proposal was not perfect, maybe wedding itself doesn't mean much to him, so what? would you rather lose a person you love and take your chances trying to find somebody better who will maybe, and just maybe provide you with a dream wedding, but the rest of your life with him could end up being miserable?

 

from the way you described your fiancee I think I can relate to him. he loves you. he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. in fact, he loves you so much that he proposed you, but not because he wants to get married badly, it's because you want it! he want's you to be happy! unfortunately, women love to overdo it when it comes to wedding itself.

really, from man's point of view, it's just crazy to spend 10-20 grand or more for a ceremony that lasts only one day! all of my friends agree with this and some of them are happily married. some of them did spend ***load of money on their weddings just to keep their spouses happy!

any guy, and I mean ANY, with maybe very few exceptions would rather spend that kind of money on a dirt bike, a car or whatever makes them happy! the logic behind this is very simple: dirt bike will bring him a lot more fun over next few years than one day party could ever possibly do!

 

my advice to you is just compromise a little if you really love him. it will be over in one day anyway, then you'll have the rest of your lives to enjoy together.

or you can choose a different route. leave him and find someone else. but just a fair warning: even if you find another person to love and who will love you, when it comes to wedding you will either face similar issue, a guy who is not interested in it too much, or he'll just fake his excitement to make you happy. unless of course your new guy turns out to be a millionaire, in which case the money won't be an issue and he'll let you have it your way.

 

now just to put it in perspective: he's probably very excited about his dirt bike. I can imagine that you're not. also I can safely assume that he's not expecting you to be excited about it and he's certainly not giving you s**t about it. question: why are you giving him s**t about the wedding?

all you have to do is accept the fact that men and women are different. different things make us happy. now why would you want your man to act like a woman? weddings simply don't have the same appeal to men. it's just something we have to do to make our women happy. please note that I'm talking about the wedding itself not marriage. some men do want to get married. most men don't mind getting married. but all those men most certainly don't give a damn about the design of your wedding dress, type of flowers and all those other little things that mean so much to women.

 

just like lucky_one said it: the marriage itself should be more important than a ring or wedding!

 

I apologize if some people find my post offensive or rude. I had no intentions to offend anybody. I just tried to give the simplest, most direct answer from my own perspective, based on my personal experience and experiences of my male friends. I'm 33 years old and i was married once.

 

op, I wish you best of luck. please don't expect his proposal or attitude towards marriage to be an indicator of love because it's not and shouldn't be!

[limelily]

Lucky_One: If you take a look at my other post titled "Engaged - No Affection From Him" you'll see that marriage is definitely more important to me. This post is just mainly about his idea of financing the wedding...which has tapped into other problems that we are having. I am looking long term at dealing with all of the problem areas with our relationship before we get married.

 

I was excited about being engaged...and if you read exactly what I am writting...you'll see that the way he proposed is not the issue here. He has sucked the life out of this entire thing...being proposed to, being engaged, planning our big day, AND actually being married. The proposal is a small one in comparison to the rest of the issues. I have not expressed any issues I have about the proposal to him so that is not the case here.

 

Let me just put it out there that I am not high maintenance, I am not materialistic, and I am not a nag. I am just genuinely wanting some romance, passion, affection, and consideration. That is not a lot to ask for.

 

Please read the other post...I think the whole situation will make more sense as a bigger picture.

[limelily]

you two clearly have different ideas about marriage.

first off, you should understand that guys are generally speaking not nearly as excited about wedding as women are. it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

you should ask yourself what's more important to you: a dream wedding or a great life with somebody you love and who loves you? this is of course assuming that you two get along well in other aspects of life, otherwise you shouldn't be getting married at all!

maybe his proposal was not perfect, maybe wedding itself doesn't mean much to him, so what? would you rather lose a person you love and take your chances trying to find somebody better who will maybe, and just maybe provide you with a dream wedding, but the rest of your life with him could end up being miserable?

 

from the way you described your fiancee I think I can relate to him. he loves you. he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. in fact, he loves you so much that he proposed you, but not because he wants to get married badly, it's because you want it! he want's you to be happy! unfortunately, women love to overdo it when it comes to wedding itself.

really, from man's point of view, it's just crazy to spend 10-20 grand or more for a ceremony that lasts only one day! all of my friends agree with this and some of them are happily married. some of them did spend ***load of money on their weddings just to keep their spouses happy!

any guy, and I mean ANY, with maybe very few exceptions would rather spend that kind of money on a dirt bike, a car or whatever makes them happy! the logic behind this is very simple: dirt bike will bring him a lot more fun over next few years than one day party could ever possibly do!

 

my advice to you is just compromise a little if you really love him. it will be over in one day anyway, then you'll have the rest of your lives to enjoy together.

or you can choose a different route. leave him and find someone else. but just a fair warning: even if you find another person to love and who will love you, when it comes to wedding you will either face similar issue, a guy who is not interested in it too much, or he'll just fake his excitement to make you happy. unless of course your new guy turns out to be a millionaire, in which case the money won't be an issue and he'll let you have it your way.

 

now just to put it in perspective: he's probably very excited about his dirt bike. I can imagine that you're not. also I can safely assume that he's not expecting you to be excited about it and he's certainly not giving you s**t about it. question: why are you giving him s**t about the wedding?

all you have to do is accept the fact that men and women are different. different things make us happy. now why would you want your man to act like a woman? weddings simply don't have the same appeal to men. it's just something we have to do to make our women happy. please note that I'm talking about the wedding itself not marriage. some men do want to get married. most men don't mind getting married. but all those men most certainly don't give a damn about the design of your wedding dress, type of flowers and all those other little things that mean so much to women.

 

just like lucky_one said it: the marriage itself should be more important than a ring or wedding!

 

I apologize if some people find my post offensive or rude. I had no intentions to offend anybody. I just tried to give the simplest, most direct answer from my own perspective, based on my personal experience and experiences of my male friends. I'm 33 years old and i was married once.

 

op, I wish you best of luck. please don't expect his proposal or attitude towards marriage to be an indicator of love because it's not and shouldn't be!

 

He set the budget for the wedding, not me. He was game for all of the planning and was excited along with me in the beginning. Nothing is overdone with our wedding. We are having a simple, intimate, wedding at our friend's parent's ranch (thats the plan so far anyways). Before the dirtbike that he just purchased, he had another dirtbike and I have an atv. Now, he has TWO dirtbikes. Pointless. Plus, the dirtbike that he recently purchased was purchased after he proposed to me. I never nagged him about getting engaged/married OR what to spend his money on.

 

I also want to make it clear that I am not a selfish b*tch. I am VERY giving, understanding, caring, and considerate. I comprimise a lot with him and usually I'm on the loosing end of that when it comes to financial issues. I could give many examples. I also don't want my husband to act like a woman?? I would just appreciate that he SHOW me he loves me, not just say it now and then.

 

This post just started out as his solution to finance our wedding, which I do not agree with when I know that we can save for the wedding ourselves and not go into debt over a wedding. For me, a great wedding IS important. I have taken a wedding planning course and everything and my fiance knows this. It was very important for him too in the beginning.

 

Again, please read my other post to see what else is going on with this whole situation. The marriage itself is more important to me, of course! This post just started strictly looking at the financial aspect of the wedding.

[limelily]

...and one more thing...

 

I didn't ask his opinion on the "girly" aspects of wedding planning, for example, the dress, flowers, decor, etc.

 

We agreed on what he would get for groomsmen, our menu, our venue, photographer, invitations...stuff that is more interesting to him. The rest of the "girl" stuff I have my bridesmaids for...and I am well aware of what will bore a man when it comes to wedding planning.

[thatsonlyme]

@limelily

 

the problem with public boards is that we form our opinion based on the information available. Obviously this topic gives us only one part of the story and I jumped into conclusion too soon. I just read your other topic and that cleared up things a little. I was wrong thinking that you're obsessed about the wedding and I apologize.

 

apparently there is something else going on and I'm glad that you're trying to resolve it. good luck.

[bdasqripsjrotmql]

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[limelily]

@thatsonlyme Don't worry about it. I realized that two of my posts have sort of blended together and thats I really wanted you to read to other post as well to get more of the background story. With that said, I think I am going to carry on with my other post rather than this one.

 

Thanks again everyone for your feedback

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think that the ideas for financing a wedding are completely out of whack. Sell a condo, buy a house, and refinance the house to get money for a WEDDING???

 

The real estate market is in the toilet. Probably where you live, too.

 

I really believe that if you need to do such things to afford a big wedding ... you cannot afford a big wedding. And it doesn't sound, either, like the two of you are on the right track for handling finances well together as an ADULT married couple.

 

Also, I am kind of taken aback by the frequency with which you mention your disappointment with your engagement ring. I think it's unattractive that you are doing so. But I guess that's beside the point. \

 

If having a big rock is important to you, and he didn't realize this enough to wait until he could get one before proposing, I don't think it bodes well for your future, compatibility - wise.

[limelily]

@ Mme. Chaucer

 

We are not having a big wedding. We are having a small, intimate, outdoor wedding. I'm not sure what I posted on this thread to make one think that we are planning on having a huge wedding. If I've overlooked something, please let me know.

 

"And it doesn't sound, either, like the two of you are on the right track for handling finances well together as an ADULT married couple." We own our own condo, having stable careers and we are just fine with our finances. My fiance would afford to buy that dirtbike after proposing, I just don't think that it was the best purchase given that he has one already and the fact that we are gettign married. As I mentioned before, we are comfortable and can afford to get married without having to "Sell a condo, buy a house, and refinance the house".

 

Also, I merely pointed out the fact that engagement ring is not what I thought it was going to be. I do not think that is a crime. That point that I made is a small one compared to the whole picture, I realize that. That point was totally blown out of proportion.

 

I think you should take a look at my other post to gather some more insight on what the issues at hand are. This post was just supposed to be about the financing of our wedding and my thoughts on the wedding itself versus my fiance's. My other post talks about everything as a larger picture...not just the wedding, but our future married life.

[limelily]

Before anyone else posts on this thread: Please take a look at the following link if you'd like:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291784/.

 

This thread is the most recent "situation'. The issue with this post has been resolved with my fiance and I...

 

Thanks

[bdasqrylepalazed]

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