Do parents have the right to impose a life style on their children?

[dizy]

I have been thinking about this for years now: is it selfish to impose a certain lifestyle on the entire family because of one person's dream?

 

In short, my dad is really into business. He created his own business and invested a lot of money, energy and time. My mother wanted something stable: i.e. a job. But my dad felt that if she has a job then she will have less time for the family and especially less time to help his business. The result? My dad has his business and since it doesn't generate that much money yet, my mother has to own another small business in order to support the family.

 

The problem with having their own business is that there is absolutely no difference between work time and family time. They always talk about what happened during the day when they are at home, and they work SO MUCH that they have 0 second for my sister. Moreover, my mother is so exhausted that no one really takes care of the house. Not to mention that the ambiance in the house is always stressful because they ALWAYS have problems with their business.

 

I grew up without my father because he was never there (entirely dedicated to his business) but at least my mother had a job and she was there when i needed someone. When we moved to another city, my father decided to start a new business and my mother to take care of another small business, there is absolutely no one to take care of my young sister who is 7. I know how it feels to be a kid without a real family so I try my best to be there for her.

But there are moments that I am just sick of my lifestyle and think that this life is not worth living.

 

what bother me in short are:

1. my young sister is in the same situation as i was: no real family no love from parents, I try to be there for her, but sometimes I dont know if I am a parent or a sister, because I have to take care of her so much.

2. I have to help a lot my parents with their business: no time for friends, relaxing, completely burn out, tired

3. my parents always have problems with their business that they have to share with me which makes me stressful

4. I was working for them during school time, my grades were not as good as my friends, they got accepted into their first choice programs in university and not me, my self-esteem was seriously affected

 

 

 

I tried my best to come out with solutions that can change the situation:

- I stop my parents when they try to tell me about their problems: there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that so no point to stress me with their problems

- I will not work anymore when university starts (I NEED more time for school and socializing)

- I am a SISTER not a parent, I am not responsible to raise my sister but rather to be there for her

 

 

 

But my solutions only help ME getting better, my entire family is still in this insane and unhealthy cycle: work, sleep, eat, work

All this, because my father wants to pursuit some dreams to become a successful business man. I AM SICK OF IT. Sometimes I just want to jump from some building so I dont have to wake up and face the same situation again. I am so envious of my friends who have parents who work normally: have weekends off, family time, stable income, no pressure...

My parents are aware that they have no family time, they regret it, they feel bad about it and then they continue to work on their business. The situation is completely desperate

[carhill]

Ideally, parents should support and challenge their children in the pursuit of the children's passions in life, exposing them to as many potentials as possible and encouraging the child to explore what interests them.

 

Your situation doesn't sound much different than my maternal grandfather marshaling his eleven children to slave away on the farm, with the older children parenting the younger ones.

 

I know this is hard to accept, but as long as your sister is safe and not abused, her life with your parents will be her life. Look at it as a good lesson to make healthy choices for yourself when you become a parent. Feeling 'responsible' for her takes away from the healthy progression of your life.

 

My best female friend for many years lived a similar life. She is ethnic Chinese and, even with a university degree, slaved away in the family's restaurants well into her 30's. She despised it on one level but felt obligation on others. Her parents finally retired and she moved on to other things and got married. Prior, it had been her whole life.

 

I hope graduation and attending uni will bring change for you; positive change. It's your time to fly. Even if it is a struggle, get your own place. Your sister will survive, just like you have. It'll work out. Good luck.

[dizy]

Thank you Carhill

You are right about my sister. I am constantly telling myself how she is not me and at least she got a sister whereas I didnt, but it's hard to just stand there and watch. In a way, a child's life is very affected by his/ her parents decisions : which high school, yes or no for piano/painting/hockey/tennis lessons, etc

and since I am helping my parents with a lot of their daily work, they trust my judgments and consider my opinions. That is partially the reason for which I feel so responsible for my sister.For instance, what I think of a certain high school will affect my parents' decision to send her there, and I am afraid to have the "wrong" opinions, even though I know that nothing is black and white in the world.

 

Your friend's story freaked me out =) and I have no intention of having my own life as late as after my 30s, but the truth is I have always lived like this: helping my parents, family oriented, and ... not have my own life. I feel guilty when I go out too often when I am aware that my mother is having some problems with her business. I am gradually letting everything out and telling myself that unfortunately or fortunately, I cant take care of every problem that my parents encounter. Having my own life is definitively going to be harder than it seems like, to start with, I have no idea how to have my own life =\

[antinko]

No, because that's controlling someone's hopes and dreams.

 

Parents should guide children and ensure they're instilled with good values and become law abiding citizens.

 

Fact of the matter is that, if you 'force' a child to live in a certain way, they're probably going to resist it if said lifestyle isn't natural to them and loving parents shouldn't persist with imposing such a lifestyle if it makes the child genuinely unhappy.

 

When I become a parent, I want my child to become their own person. Providing that they are law abiding, respectful etc., then fine.

[Lucky_One]

Jobs come from people starting businesses. When you are out of university and unable to find a job, you may be thankful that your parents have something for you to do to provide you with income and experience. If you find a job elsewhere upon graduating, you may be considered ONLY because of the experience you have gained from your parent's businesses.

 

You may think that your parents are being unsupportive, but your parents could counter that they are giving up lives of their own in order to be able to provide for you and your sister in the future, to give you a legacy based upon their sweat and sacrifice. Be thankful that they are instilling a strong work ethic in both of you, as well as providing you with food, shelter, clothing, and internet/a computer.