hopelessly devoted

[loveletters]

I posted last month about the MM that I'm involved with. I tried to end things but it only lasted a couple weeks. It's so hard for me to let go, as much as I want to. I know I could if I really wanted to but apart of me just wants to be with him.

 

He's moving out of his house right now, he found a place close to mine so we could see each other easily & we still work with each other too. I know everyone gave me such great advice but it's just sooo hard for me. I read a post here about "fastforwarders" and "FutureFakers" & I feel this MM has all of the characteristics of one. He tells me things like, "So if we were married..." Etc.. or "If we lived together then..."

 

I HATE IT! I know how bad he is for me but just as I stayed with my abuser close to 8 years - it's so tough for me to let this one go too and we've only been together 5 months going on 6. He came over to my place today and we had SUCH a great time! We listened to music, danced with each other, laughed, watched movies, cuddled & it was very strange but after our intimate session we had a bath with each other as well, which totally made me fall even more in love with him.. Despite our age differences, we do have lots in common. I feel as if I have an old soul & we connect on a whole nother level. I know this has probably been said and done before..

 

I feel so numb at times, and the only time I feel alive is when he is around. I don't want to go to counseling because I've never done such a thing before & it's just not in my schedule to do so. I read posts on here every other day and just when I think your ladies' advice gives me enough strength to leave him, I'm back at square one. I just don't know what to do..

 

 

People seem to think the 30 year age gap is such a bad thing. I know that he is 53 & I'm barely starting out in life, but why can't two people who really care about each other just be together? Especially when the other is taking steps to achieve this...?

[TurboGirl]

Alright. First and foremost, I hope you run, don't walk to your nearest exit.

 

Let's review.

 

He's 53 and there is a 30 year age gap. I'm not a math wizard, but that puts you at....hmmm, 20+. Seriously? Do you want children? Do you want a man you have something (anything) in common with? Do you want to nurse this man in his old age? Be his primary caregiver? Does he have children, I'm guessing older than you? Seriously? You've hitched your star to this old mans wagon?

 

If you think this is a wonderful, fulfilling relationship then I'd guess you wouldn't be here seeking...(?) what exactly. I'm curious as to what exactly you two have in common. Your words..

 

If this works for you, then go for it, but it seems that isn't the case. You're questioning the relationship, wondering what the future is. I think that is a good thing. From what you've shared, I personally don't see much substance to this relationship, and think you are questioning that as well.

 

You're young, have your life ahead of you, possibilities are open and limitless. Is this what you want? You're in the prime of your life, can do/be whatever you want. I hope you take a step back, look at who you are, what you want out of life, don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for some old ass man (getting older by the minute) who wants to have some young, attractive woman by his side as he checks out. Don't be his play thing. Go, live. For you.

 

I wish you well....

 

Agree with WiserNow. Especially the bolded parts.

 

All this chatter he is giving you, it's just chatter. WOW 5 whole months, going on 6 months... do you think that is long? That is a mere raindrop.

I know that you think you can't be without him, but this would be a very hard road for you if you choose to be with him. Not a walk in the park. Being without him might end up being easier than you think, if you get some professional help.

 

What do your friends think?

 

What about your Mom & Dad?

 

The 30 year age difference alone. Perhaps you are seeking a father figure? You stated that you had not been to counseling. Well, seriously, suggest that you make time in your busy "schedule" and go and talk with a professional about this.

 

Best wishes, hope that you can make the difficult choice that that you KNOW YOU NEED TO MAKE and stick to it.

[carrie999]

I posted last month about the MM that I'm involved with. I tried to end things but it only lasted a couple weeks. It's so hard for me to let go, as much as I want to. I know I could if I really wanted to but apart of me just wants to be with him.

 

He's moving out of his house right now, he found a place close to mine so we could see each other easily & we still work with each other too. I know everyone gave me such great advice but it's just sooo hard for me. I read a post here about "fastforwarders" and "FutureFakers" & I feel this MM has all of the characteristics of one. He tells me things like, "So if we were married..." Etc.. or "If we lived together then..."

 

This part doesn't concern me.

 

I HATE IT! I know how bad he is for me but just as I stayed with my abuser close to 8 years

 

This part does. You've been in an abusive relationship since you were 14 or 15? You need serious therapy.

 

Despite our age differences, we do have lots in common. I feel as if I have an old soul & we connect on a whole nother level. I know this has probably been said and done before..

 

This is possible. I wouldn't advise it, but I do have a friend (who I honestly thought was quite odd at first) who married at 25 to a 56 year old man. They've been very happily married for nearly 15 years. He's getting older and ailing, and her heart is going to break when he passes...he's not healthy, so I don't think they have another 15 years. Still, her time married to him has not been time wasted. It's just difficult. She'll probably be a widow at her prime. And quite honestly, it will be hard for her to find someone who understands her. But she's being true to herself and to her love for him. Don't let this part deter you, but know that it will hurt down the road.

 

I feel so numb at times, and the only time I feel alive is when he is around. I don't want to go to counseling because I've never done such a thing before & it's just not in my schedule to do so. I read posts on here every other day and just when I think your ladies' advice gives me enough strength to leave him, I'm back at square one. I just don't know what to do..

 

Also not good. You definitely do need counseling, and you need to schedule the time for it. If he loves you, he will support you in doing so, knowing that you want to be healthy and ready to really be there for him as well. There is nothing wrong with falling for someone older than your parents, but you will deal with emotional stress related to your age difference. You two may line up in terms of what you want and need from life, and may have very similar perspectives, but you are in very different places. This can only work if you know what you are dealing with, and approach it honestly.

 

And he should WANT you to have a support structure. He's only 56, and realistically, he might outlive you, but chances are you'll end up spending your prime years caring for your ailing husband. It's years down the road, but if he's serious about you and marrying you someday, I would imagine he would also like to have some security with you as well. How would he feel if you decided you couldn't deal with it when he's 70 and you're 40?

 

Just be true to yourselves, and deal with this now.

 

 

People seem to think the 30 year age gap is such a bad thing. I know that he is 53 & I'm barely starting out in life, but why can't two people who really care about each other just be together? Especially when the other is taking steps to achieve this...?

[Gentlegirl]

Hello Loveletters,

 

My late husband was 15 years my senior. It didn't matter while I was 30 and he was 45, I was 40 and he was 55. Then I was 50 and he was 65...starting to slow up a bit, Then I was 55 and he was 68 and along came Alzheimer's, diabetes, coronary disease.

 

I was still a young women with a lot of energy and zest in all areas of my life. I ended up being his carer and very much alone for 10 years of our lives. It led me down a path into an affair that I would never have otherwise done. A lot of the lovely people here know my particular story. I DO NOT BEGRUDGE HIM ONE MOMENT! I loved him very dearly.

 

I am not saying this will happen to you.... BUT you will be 50 and he will be 83!!!!! It's not easy at your age to imagine how that might be and I am not being condescending to you at all. Just sharing a bit of my life experience that you cannot possibly have yet.

 

Read everyone's comments here. Just know that when you are in the A you really are wearing rose tinted glasses and living in the fog. The community here is really kind and mostly try to offer sane , rational advice.

 

I wish you all the best,

 

Gentlegirl

[awkward]

I HATE IT! I know how bad he is for me but just as I stayed with my abuser close to 8 years - it's so tough for me to let this one go too and we've only been together 5 months going on 6.

 

Did you ever talk to a counselor after you escaped from the 8 years of abuse? It might be tough to let this one go too, but you need to do it. You need to love yourself more than you love/d these men.

[woinlove]

Gentlegirl has made insightful comments on the age difference and looking toward the future. This is something to think about, but as she points out if the two of you truly love and care for each other, the positives may outweigh the negatives of the age difference - at least for many years.

 

What concerns me more is that (from your previous thread) this man has been through two marriages and multiple affairs, one of which (with you) is ongoing right now. That does not suggest a man who has really changed and is capable of the type of commitment most people would want in a life partner. The age difference is just one factor - how about how this man treats others? I don't know what to make of a man who wants to introduce his on-and-off-again AP as his girlfriend to his young son, while he is still married to and living with the mother. And he seems quite disconnected from his children - I recall he said something like that his wife can have them if he leaves for you.

 

Are you comfortable with how this man treats others? I'm worried that you are still affected by being in a previous abusive situation and are setting yourself up again with a man who does not treat others well and may not even be capable of maintaining a loving relationship. To me his age is a concern mainly because he has had all those years to try to figure out how to treat others and he clearly has failed at it and his actions right now, toward his W, his children, and you, all continue to show a lack of respect and empathy for others.

[Lucky_One]

Hey - gotta love a serial cheater who leaves an aging wife post-stroke and takes their kids to be raised by his 22 (+/-) GF.

 

Enjoy, loveletters.