Waiting for a Decision

[heartinlove]

Im having a rough day so thought Id give an update and get some feedback.

 

A quick recap of my situation.

 

MM married 19 years, three kids. He and I were best of friends for 6 years, and A has been going on for a year.

 

He told wife about affair about 8 months into the A. From the fallout of that he felt that he needed to give the marriage a last try , so if he ultimately left, he wouldn’t feel guilty. We both have attempted to cut off contact so many times its ridiculous to count. Im hesitant to once again say lets not speak until you’ve made a decision, because I don’t want to say it one more time if im not strong enough to follow through. I really should do that though.

 

So, what I did take to heart from the last round of advice is to set a date which I did. I gave it three months until the end of october for action to be taken. That part I feel good about.

 

He has been consistently saying in this last three weeks that he has decided to leave the marriage and will do so sometime in this next month (August) before the kids go back to school. We have talked so much about how our lives will look once we’re together. So here we are in August. Im trying to not have huge expectations, and am trying to remain neutral, because I know its one thing to say it and a whole other to do it. I also understand this is one of the biggest decisions he will ever make.

 

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Listen, I expect him to have moments like that after so many years together. I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

Also, if he leaves his marriage, I’d like it to be because he is clear his marriage is over. Is that realistic, who knows.

 

And I will stick to my timeline, because this is ridiculously hard and not fair to anyone, his wife included. Im sure she’s feeling all the same uncertainty I am.

 

I’m posting today because I’m having a difficult time with all of this. I am clear this is the first and last affair I will ever have in my life, because this is just hellacious.

[SidLyon]

Im having a rough day so thought Id give an update and get some feedback.

 

A quick recap of my situation.

 

MM married 19 years, three kids. He and I were best of friends for 6 years, and A has been going on for a year.

 

He told wife about affair about 8 months into the A. From the fallout of that he felt that he needed to give the marriage a last try , so if he ultimately left, he wouldn’t feel guilty. We both have attempted to cut off contact so many times its ridiculous to count. Im hesitant to once again say lets not speak until you’ve made a decision, because I don’t want to say it one more time if im not strong enough to follow through. I really should do that though.

 

So, what I did take to heart from the last round of advice is to set a date which I did. I gave it three months until the end of october for action to be taken. That part I feel good about.

 

He has been consistently saying in this last three weeks that he has decided to leave the marriage and will do so sometime in this next month (August) before the kids go back to school. We have talked so much about how our lives will look once we’re together. So here we are in August. Im trying to not have huge expectations, and am trying to remain neutral, because I know its one thing to say it and a whole other to do it. I also understand this is one of the biggest decisions he will ever make.

 

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Listen, I expect him to have moments like that after so many years together. I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

Also, if he leaves his marriage, I’d like it to be because he is clear his marriage is over. Is that realistic, who knows.

 

And I will stick to my timeline, because this is ridiculously hard and not fair to anyone, his wife included. Im sure she’s feeling all the same uncertainty I am.

 

I’m posting today because I’m having a difficult time with all of this. I am clear this is the first and last affair I will ever have in my life, because this is just hellacious.

 

Does his wife know he is planning to leave in August and therefore they are working together to minimise the impact on the kids? Or, is he planning to spring it on all of them at the same time? As his wife already knows of you, does she think they are working on the marriage together?

 

Also are you still planning to give him until October or is it now the end of this month? What will you do if there's no observable progress by the end of August?

 

My opinion is that you only have a chance, if the answer to my first question is "yes".

[carrie999]

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Yes, this is hard. And you've done the right thing by setting a deadline for yourself. What you need to do now is find that fine line between being there for him and distancing yourself from the situation. It's good that he feels comfortable opening up to you, but if he's waffling, he needs to find another outlet. While you deserve to be kept apprised of his current feelings (and if he's just going to choose her in the end), at this point, it's only going to torture you to hear about it.

 

Also, if he leaves his marriage, I’d like it to be because he is clear his marriage is over. Is that realistic, who knows.

 

Exactly.

 

And I will stick to my timeline, because this is ridiculously hard and not fair to anyone, his wife included. Im sure she’s feeling all the same uncertainty I am.

 

I’m posting today because I’m having a difficult time with all of this. I am clear this is the first and last affair I will ever have in my life, because this is just hellacious.

 

I feel your pain, hon. I'm not there yet. Right now MM is going to leave his wife but she doesn't actually know yet. So basically I'm a few steps behind you.

 

It's wonderful that he can tell you everything, but at this point, all you really want (or need) is a yes or no answer. As someone who loves him immensely, you want to be there for him while he wades through an awful situation...but as someone who is in love with him, you stand to get hurt as much as anyone involved, even if some would argue that point. This is where I think LC would be appropriate, but figure out what works based on your own situation.

 

You can't be his sounding board for advice or emotional support unless he's truly capable of being yours, too. In other times in your relationship, before it came to the big decision, or if you eventually end up together and he's suffering for some other reason, it's perfectly appropriate for you to step in and take care of his needs. In this case, you are also out on a limb, and you need support from someone who will truly be there for you whether or not he meets the deadline...whether it's a close friend or a counselor.

 

((((Hugs))))

[heartinlove]

My stomach is in knots just reading your post, so can only imagine what you're going through on a daily basis.

 

With him being married for 19 years, he is certainly going to have days where he feels a connection with his wife and the life they have and have had. Thats not a bad thing, just reality. It must be hard to not take that personally and read something into, but perhaps he is questioning his decision? I don't know.

 

Whatever the outcome, I applaud you for the timeline you have set, and hope you can stick to it. I fear (no matter his decision) it will be a difficult road for you and him in the near future.

 

I'm curious, as to the bolded, why you would think otherwise.?

 

I wish you well...

 

Thanks for the feedback. As for the bolded sentence, Im just saying that Im hoping he leaves because the marriage is over, and am wondering if thats possible, because after an affair his feelings for me will most likely impact that choice. Im just hoping it is because the marriage is over.

 

I believe I will stick to the timeline, because this needs resolution. As for you saying this will be a very difficult road for both he and I regardless of the outcome, I couldn't agree more with you. We have both talked about that often how whatever path is chosen it will involve a great deal of pain.

[KathyM]

Im having a rough day so thought Id give an update and get some feedback.

 

A quick recap of my situation.

 

MM married 19 years, three kids. He and I were best of friends for 6 years, and A has been going on for a year.

 

He told wife about affair about 8 months into the A. From the fallout of that he felt that he needed to give the marriage a last try , so if he ultimately left, he wouldn’t feel guilty. We both have attempted to cut off contact so many times its ridiculous to count. Im hesitant to once again say lets not speak until you’ve made a decision, because I don’t want to say it one more time if im not strong enough to follow through. I really should do that though.

 

So, what I did take to heart from the last round of advice is to set a date which I did. I gave it three months until the end of october for action to be taken. That part I feel good about.

 

He has been consistently saying in this last three weeks that he has decided to leave the marriage and will do so sometime in this next month (August) before the kids go back to school. We have talked so much about how our lives will look once we’re together. So here we are in August. Im trying to not have huge expectations, and am trying to remain neutral, because I know its one thing to say it and a whole other to do it. I also understand this is one of the biggest decisions he will ever make.

 

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Listen, I expect him to have moments like that after so many years together. I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

Also, if he leaves his marriage, I’d like it to be because he is clear his marriage is over. Is that realistic, who knows.

 

And I will stick to my timeline, because this is ridiculously hard and not fair to anyone, his wife included. Im sure she’s feeling all the same uncertainty I am.

 

I’m posting today because I’m having a difficult time with all of this. I am clear this is the first and last affair I will ever have in my life, because this is just hellacious.

Well, I think you should dump him. He's not someone you can trust. Why settle for a cheater? Not a good plan. Regardless of that, he's obviously stalling and doesn't really want to leave. He's very ambivalent, but you've made it clear there was a deadline, so he realizes he has to make a choice. He doesn't want to make a choice. He wants his cake and eat it too. He's really keeping you in limbo--some days are good with the wife so he's thinking of staying--some days are not and he wants to leave. Time for you to get off this roller coaster. Wouldn't you want someone you could trust? He's not that guy.

[heartinlove]

Does his wife know he is planning to leave in August and therefore they are working together to minimise the impact on the kids? Or, is he planning to spring it on all of them at the same time? As his wife already knows of you, does she think they are working on the marriage together?

 

Also are you still planning to give him until October or is it now the end of this month? What will you do if there's no observable progress by the end of August?

 

My opinion is that you only have a chance, if the answer to my first question is "yes".

 

He felt that he needed to reach a definitive decision before saying anything to his wife that he was even contemplating leaving. He was planning to tell her first and then they would discuss the children. I feel at this point he should tell her he is thinking about leaving the marriage, that that is only fair to her.

He is so inside of a belief system that is trying not to hurt anyone, and he is very scared of her response and her anger and how that will affect the children. He has told the therapist all of this and that he is very torn, and I've been surprised she hasn't encouraged him to be more forthcoming.

 

He also still as i mentioned has a sliver of hope sometimes and questions whether he could still fix it with her. He believes if he even told her he's thinking about leaving it would be over. He is basically in a lot of fear. I personally don't think withholding the truth is helpful to gaining clarity. I think she deserves to know where he is at.

 

I am giving him until the end of October and then I plan on going no contact if there is no progress. I might do it sooner, as he may never be able to make a clear choice while Im in the picture and communicating with him.

[heartinlove]

Well, I think you should dump him. He's not someone you can trust. Why settle for a cheater? Not a good plan. Regardless of that, he's obviously stalling and doesn't really want to leave. He's very ambivalent, but you've made it clear there was a deadline, so he realizes he has to make a choice. He doesn't want to make a choice. He wants his cake and eat it too. He's really keeping you in limbo--some days are good with the wife so he's thinking of staying--some days are not and he wants to leave. Time for you to get off this roller coaster. Wouldn't you want someone you could trust? He's not that guy.

 

I think thats a very standard stereotype. Once a cheater always a cheater. Hes never cheated before and I do trust him. Also, he doesn't know of the deadline. I've never pressured him to make a choice. He had told me of his decision to leave all on his own. I agree with the limbo comment. That part is entirely messed up, but he is pretty tortured and torn. When people say wants their cake and is eating too, it implys that he is having a grand time of it. I promise you that is not happening. I've known him a long time, and he is a happy person and he is downright tortured over all of this.

[heartinlove]

Y

 

It's wonderful that he can tell you everything, but at this point, all you really want (or need) is a yes or no answer. As someone who loves him immensely, you want to be there for him while he wades through an awful situation...but as someone who is in love with him, you stand to get hurt as much as anyone involved, even if some would argue that point.

((((Hugs))))

 

I couldn't have said that better myself. You do understand the dynamics of this all really well. He is my sounding board too. I am very easily able to communicate with him how difficult all of this is for me. It is very, very difficult for me to be his sounding board when it comes to his confusion. I kind of wish he wouldnt share that with me, but part of our connection is we are very open with each other.

 

You said you are a few steps behind. How long have you and MM been together and does he have a plan to tell his wife?

[Silly_Girl]

Im having a rough day so thought Id give an update and get some feedback.

 

A quick recap of my situation.

 

MM married 19 years, three kids. He and I were best of friends for 6 years, and A has been going on for a year.

 

He told wife about affair about 8 months into the A.

 

What was her reaction?

 

From the fallout of that he felt that he needed to give the marriage a last try , so if he ultimately left, he wouldn’t feel guilty. We both have attempted to cut off contact so many times its ridiculous to count.

 

I'm sure you realise that by continuing contact he is not at all 'giving the marriage a try'? And that does count for something. I went NC with my boyfriend back when he was floundering, and it was a depressing mess at his end. Forced him to see clearly what life is like without the distraction and comfort and love. It means I feel at peace with myself in terms of what he chose to leave behind.

 

Im hesitant to once again say lets not speak until you’ve made a decision, because I don’t want to say it one more time if im not strong enough to follow through. I really should do that though.

 

I think it creates a false atmosphere to keep the NC roller coaster going if you know you won't stick to it, WHY you won't is a question for you and he, but I think it's wise not to keep falsifying the situation. You may as well face facts.

 

 

So, what I did take to heart from the last round of advice is to set a date which I did. I gave it three months until the end of october for action to be taken. That part I feel good about.

 

Good.

 

He has been consistently saying in this last three weeks that he has decided to leave the marriage and will do so sometime in this next month (August) before the kids go back to school. We have talked so much about how our lives will look once we’re together. So here we are in August. Im trying to not have huge expectations, and am trying to remain neutral, because I know its one thing to say it and a whole other to do it. I also understand this is one of the biggest decisions he will ever make.

 

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

That is harsh. If you are certain and he's the one weighing things up, that really hurts. But, as you know, it's par for the course.

 

My experience of my boyfriend leaving his wife was that their relationship (not a conventional marriage I should say) strengthened temporarily. Particularly as she was desperate for him not to leave. So she said things which were hurtful, some of which were genuine, some were to prompt guilt (there was some rewriting of history going on); and it meant there were some emotional times. My boyfriend didn't want to hurt her and didn't like the atmosphere and upset. And it meant recollection of pleasant memories from years prior. It's emotionally evocative, naturally.

 

I felt extremely close to my then-husband when we separated, and we both cried and held each other. I just think it's worth being prepared for their bond to increase.

 

Listen, I expect him to have moments like that after so many years together. I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

Also, if he leaves his marriage, I’d like it to be because he is clear his marriage is over. Is that realistic, who knows.

 

My boyfriend would have stayed in an empty marriage were it not for me, so essentially he left for me, but only because I was the reason he saw what life could offer. So I absolutely cannot say 'he'd have left because the marriage was over', because he'd have hung around getting his socks washed and his meals cooked and having that sibling-like arrangement. I'm okay with the 'he left for me' thing, but many are not. It might be worth thinking about though.

 

And I will stick to my timeline, because this is ridiculously hard and not fair to anyone, his wife included. Im sure she’s feeling all the same uncertainty I am.

 

It is utterly awful all round. We had a period where she knew he was leaving her for me, and he was living there and spending weekends with me. All three of us hated it and it's not a healthy situation at all.

 

I’m posting today because I’m having a difficult time with all of this. I am clear this is the first and last affair I will ever have in my life, because this is just hellacious.

 

I'm not surprised you're having a difficult time! It's horrible isn't it? But it's definitely worth talking about than not. It does help. Hope you start to feel better soon.

[Silly_Girl]

Well, I think you should dump him. He's not someone you can trust. Why settle for a cheater? Not a good plan. Regardless of that, he's obviously stalling and doesn't really want to leave. He's very ambivalent, but you've made it clear there was a deadline, so he realizes he has to make a choice. He doesn't want to make a choice. He wants his cake and eat it too. He's really keeping you in limbo--some days are good with the wife so he's thinking of staying--some days are not and he wants to leave. Time for you to get off this roller coaster. Wouldn't you want someone you could trust? He's not that guy.

 

Firstly, it's a very hard situation, making that call. I remember deciding to call time on my marriage. Your mind will change and there's good and bad days. Doesn't mean he's ambivalent.

 

And just because the OP is in an affair with him does not mean she is not able to trust him, now or in the future.

[awkward]

From the fallout of that he felt that he needed to give the marriage a last try , so if he ultimately left, he wouldn’t feel guilty. We both have attempted to cut off contact so many times its ridiculous to count.

 

I'd be concerned that since he didn't really give his marriage one last try that these feelings may surface again.

 

So, what I did take to heart from the last round of advice is to set a date which I did. I gave it three months until the end of october for action to be taken. That part I feel good about.

 

This right here is smart. Your deadline is only a few months away so you won't be waiting for him to make a decision for years. He will either leave or stay. Stick with your deadline no matter what.

 

 

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Is he lying to you or her or both of you? Does she think he is working on the marriage while you believe he is working on leaving the marriage? Could he possibly be working on staying in the marriage and keeping you?

 

I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

Hopefully he will work out what he wants before he leaves because even though this sucks, imagine how painful it would be for him to leave and then go back.

 

And I will stick to my timeline

 

Good. Don't let the goal posts change.

[TurboGirl]

He felt that he needed to reach a definitive decision before saying anything to his wife that he was even contemplating leaving. He was planning to tell her first and then they would discuss the children. I feel at this point he should tell her he is thinking about leaving the marriage, that that is only fair to her.

He is so inside of a belief system that is trying not to hurt anyone, and he is very scared of her response and her anger and how that will affect the children. He has told the therapist all of this and that he is very torn, and I've been surprised she hasn't encouraged him to be more forthcoming.

 

He also still as i mentioned has a sliver of hope sometimes and questions whether he could still fix it with her. He believes if he even told her he's thinking about leaving it would be over. He is basically in a lot of fear. I personally don't think withholding the truth is helpful to gaining clarity. I think she deserves to know where he is at.

 

I am giving him until the end of October and then I plan on going no contact if there is no progress. I might do it sooner, as he may never be able to make a clear choice while Im in the picture and communicating with him.

 

Heart, I can understand how you are feeling... but from someone who has been around on the face of the earth for a while with many scenarios to back up this statement - Go NC now rather than later.

 

Your talking with him every day, like a "sounding board" is ridiculous and YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WILL BE HURT by that even more if he does not leave his W. Staying in touch with him while all this is happening must be ripping your apart. Either way, he's gonna be just fine, he has you and his W and I gather the W has no idea he is planning on leaving. Soooooooooo when he tells W he is leaving there will be an inevitable scene, and begging and promises etc and he will end up staying so they can 'work on their marriage'.

 

Please, Heart, don't waste your precious lovely time anymore... not sayin' there is not a possibility that he actually WILL leave... but let him man up and figure it all out on his own without you to lean on. He needs to stand on his own here on this one. Tell him you have to step back for your own sanity and ask him to call you when he moves out.

 

Yeah yeah yeah I know, easier said than done, but no one ever said doing what you have to is easy. You have to quit talking with him! Protect yourself!!!

[whichwayisup]

Why haven't you told him about your time line? Is it because by not telling him, you can change your mind and give him more time?

 

It's always going to be something.. School, a birthday, a holiday, (thanksgiving etc), a family function, possibly a death in the family..

 

The thing is, if his marriage was good before the A, still loved his wife and he never had any thoughts of divorcing, chances are low that he is going to leave his wife and kids.

 

He's hinting and in his own way letting you know it's not as easy to just up and leave (because he's not ready), him letting you know that he had a nice day with his wife, brought up feelings and emotions in him that he probably buried because of the A. Hope this makes sense to you.

[whichwayisup]

How did your D-Day really go down? Are you sure he was the one who told his wife he wanted to leave? Or did she bust him and he's made it seem like he confessed?

 

Fact is, he cannot continue to work on his marriage with you still in his life. All this does is keep the A going and you the OW.

[PinkInTheLimo]

So let's put this in plain ole english instead of affair speak.

 

His wife knows he had an affair. He has told his wife you are gone. He has his wife believing he loves her and he is working on the marriage. He put his wife through the ringer with the affair but then says I want to make this work.

 

Then instead of trying to make it work with his wife he has you on the other end telling you how he is leaving and he loves you.

 

Do you see what a cruel man this is? Lying to two women, one his wife of 19 years, for his own fun.

 

Don't let him snow you. He is doing what he wants to do and having fun while doing it. You agreed to be the other woman for this long so why would he think that would change. He just reels you in farther and farther.

 

This man is running through hoops for his wife right now. Kissing her patootie. What do you think working on a marriage after an affair entails?

 

RUN.

 

I have to agree here. Sometimes I think that all these MM who have affairs are in a secret club where they learn from each other what excuses to give. I have heard all the excuses he is giving you at some point in my life, almost literally, and I have heard them from other women I have spoken to and I read them hear.

 

The bottom line is that most of the time the guy wants to have his cake and eat it. The marriage is not too bad and way too comfortable. At the same time he also enjoys what he has with you. He does not want to lose you and he does not want to lose his comfortable marriage. Therefore he tells both you and his wife what you want to hear, in other words he is manipulating you both.

 

At the end of the day, he only cares about what HE wants.

 

I bet that if you would tell his wife, he would never ever want to speak to you. That's how much he cares about you.

 

How painful it is, run indeed.

[seren]

He felt that he needed to reach a definitive decision before saying anything to his wife that he was even contemplating leaving. He was planning to tell her first and then they would discuss the children. I feel at this point he should tell her he is thinking about leaving the marriage, that that is only fair to her.

He is so inside of a belief system that is trying not to hurt anyone, and he is very scared of her response and her anger and how that will affect the children. He has told the therapist all of this and that he is very torn, and I've been surprised she hasn't encouraged him to be more forthcoming.

 

He also still as i mentioned has a sliver of hope sometimes and questions whether he could still fix it with her. He believes if he even told her he's thinking about leaving it would be over. He is basically in a lot of fear. I personally don't think withholding the truth is helpful to gaining clarity. I think she deserves to know where he is at.

 

I am giving him until the end of October and then I plan on going no contact if there is no progress. I might do it sooner, as he may never be able to make a clear choice while Im in the picture and communicating with him.

 

I agree with you that he should tell his wife he is leaving, that would seem to be the honest way, to you both. It must be difficult waiting for him to make a firm decision and hard to be his sounding board. Personally, I don't think you should be and I also think it is unfair for him to share this with you, it seems like dissasociation to me, and almost like it is the norm for him to have two women. I echo others and would say NC until he has left, difficult though that may be for you, it will at least give impetus to his actions and might give a dose of reality to the situation other than I will leave when ...

 

As an XBS, I will say that he must be really good at gaslighting if he can lull her into thinking they are working on their marriage. That in itself, were I an OW, would raise red flags and make me think this was not the action of someone who was leaving. But that is me speaking as someone who has been gaslighted, to say more might be hurtful and that is not my intent.

 

I would, if you are to be together in October let him know that he has to do it now, putting it off until .... whenever is delaying the inevitable and in the meantime it is you who are being hurt. Not a good start to any relationship and if his marriage is dead in the water, he needs to bury it. It will always be painful, will always hurt someone. Just make sure it isn't you. I think you are being unreasonably reasonible.

[Owl]

You decided to give him until the end of October...to do what, specifically?

 

What's the true milestone that needs to be completed by that date?

 

And it SOUNDS like it's a deadline you've not communicated to him.

 

My concern is this...it sounds like a nebulous deadline that he's totally unaware of.

 

Sounds like a very difficult boundary to measure and enforce. You're better served by having crystal clear, enforcable boundaries. And he should know what your expectations are, clear and up front.

[So Very Confused]

Why Im struggling so much today is recently he shared with me that he had an odd good day with his wife and felt in moments what they used to have early on and it made him very emotional and sad and threw him back into confusion land. He has been in confusion now for the last few days. I am the lucky one who now gets to hear how confused he is.

 

Listen, I expect him to have moments like that after so many years together. I imagine there will be many more, but its really ridiculously hard to go from hearing him finally sound definitive to go back to uncertainty about his choice.

 

It must have been really hard to hear that he's having the same feelings he had for his wife when they were happy. I'm sure you were happy that he was leaving and have been building a life together with him in your mind and heart. Now it seems that this is threatened and that has to be devastating. I don't know about you but being in limbo is the worst kind of hell for me and it sounds like that's where you are dreading.

 

I think having some of the fond memories (even of a terrible relationship) are normal. He married his wife for a reason. It couldn't have always been that bad.

 

Just from my perspective as someone who left my spouse (not for an AP though, I left because he was a mean drunk), I can say that I still have good memories and long for the time when we were happy together. He was a jerk though so all I have are memories and there's no way I'd ever go back even though I wish it could be different.

 

I don't really know what is going on with your MM but the best advice I can give is to take care of you. It's virtually impossible, but try not to let his stress and confusion become your stress and confusion. There's really very little you can do right now to help the situation. It's all in his hands so let it go. Focus on what you can control (how much contact you have with him) and try not too worry to much about things you that are beyond your control (his emotions and ultimately his decision).

[KathyM]

Seriously Kathy?

 

It's not a one size fits all equation. Your advice is at times spot on, but it's not a one size fits all answer. Everyone and their situation is unique.

 

As an XoW and former BS I don't feel the need to lump all other OW/OM into a tight space and give them the "He's not that guy" advice. There are shades of gray. In some instances, I feel its better to let that person make their own choices, they know what is right for them, better than you or I. They make it clear in their posts that they know what's right and are looking for some validation in their decision, or just to be heard. IDK, I'm starting to agree with others who think this is a very judgemental, one-sided, place for people to go to. I found great advice here from OW and BS's. But it wasn't the one size fits all standard fare. It was real life, raw, advice. Not the canned BS. Being fairly new here, I can certainly understand why some are intimidated to post, repost, or have an opinion.

See that's the difference in my perspective and your perspective. I see infidelity in terms of black and white. You see gray areas. IMO, all infidelity is wrong. It hurts people. It's dishonest. You see infidelity as a possibility that may or may not work out. I don't think it's wise to put your faith or trust in a man that is willing to cheat on his wife. I don't have sympathy for a man who is leading a double life. Lying to the wife while leading on someone else. He has no business establishing a relationship with someone else while still pretending to be a committed husband. That's dishonest and unfair. I'm trying to get some of these OW to evaluate their situation and the person they are planning to build a life around. Is this person that cheats on his wife really someone that would be good for them in the long run? I seriously doubt it. They've shown themselves to be someone that can't be trusted. Someone that's dishonest. Someone that's willing to seek sex on the side if he becomes unhappy in his marriage. Not a good plan to try to build your life around someone like that. He should have at least had the decency to separate from the wife if he wanted to pursue another relationship, but he didn't do that. He continues to string both women along. Not someone worth building a life around. People come here for advice, not validation. And they get advice from a variety of perspectives. They can pick and choose what advice, if any, they will use or think about.

[KathyM]

See that's the difference in my perspective and your perspective. I see infidelity in terms of black and white. You see gray areas. IMO, all infidelity is wrong. It hurts people. It's dishonest. You see infidelity as a possibility that may or may not work out. I don't think it's wise to put your faith or trust in a man that is willing to cheat on his wife. I don't have sympathy for a man who is leading a double life. Lying to the wife while leading on someone else. He has no business establishing a relationship with someone else while still pretending to be a committed husband. That's dishonest and unfair. I'm trying to get some of these OW to evaluate their situation and the person they are planning to build a life around. Is this person that cheats on his wife really someone that would be good for them in the long run? I seriously doubt it. They've shown themselves to be someone that can't be trusted. Someone that's dishonest. Someone that's willing to seek sex on the side if he becomes unhappy in his marriage. Not a good plan to try to build your life around someone like that. He should have at least had the decency to separate from the wife if he wanted to pursue another relationship, but he didn't do that. He continues to string both women along. Not someone worth building a life around. People come here for advice, not validation. And they get advice from a variety of perspectives. They can pick and choose what advice, if any, they will use or think about.[/QUOT

 

Wow Kathy. You DO know everything, don't you.? I don't recall ever saying the bolded, but I'm sure you must be right, since you are the all knowing.

Just giving my perspective, as do you.

[pureinheart]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

 

Ok, your title said everything to me, it set the tone for the reason I am responding this way.

 

Why does he have all of the power in a R that requires two people? Take your power back.

 

My deal was, and still would be, call me when your done, and I say this because your relationship sounds similar to my former relationship.

 

It is good that there is an expiration date though...do you plan on continuing the friendship should the need for NC come up?

Edited August 10, 2011 by pureinheart

[Woman In Blue]

He's supposedly moving OUT before the school year begins in the beginning of September - but hasn't TOLD his wife yet??? It's August 10th - he's got 20 days to have "the talk" with his wife, decide how their real property is to be divided, come up with a successful co-parenting plan with his wife, get things reconciled with his 3 kids so they don't hate him or resent him, see a lawyer to get his financial and legal ducks in a row, find a place to live, furnish that place and make it functional, and make that final walk out the door of the marital home - in essence, deserting his family.

 

All in the space of 20 days?????

 

I'm willing to bet my house - and my dog - that the next 'deadline' he gives you will be, "after the holidays." Or his wife will suddenly be "diagnosed with a serious or terminal illness" that will prevent him from leaving for an untold time into the future. Or one of his kids will face some kind of "life-threatening event and he won't be able to leave, because what kind of a father would he BE if he did???"

 

Yup...be on guard - a cheesy excuse about serious/terminal illness or an "I'm going to leave after the holidays" excuse is on it's way.....

Edited August 10, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[carrie999]

I couldn't have said that better myself. You do understand the dynamics of this all really well. He is my sounding board too. I am very easily able to communicate with him how difficult all of this is for me. It is very, very difficult for me to be his sounding board when it comes to his confusion. I kind of wish he wouldnt share that with me, but part of our connection is we are very open with each other.

 

You said you are a few steps behind. How long have you and MM been together and does he have a plan to tell his wife?

 

We've been together a little over a year. He is in the process of separating from her. He doesn't plan to tell her about the affair because it will likely kill her. She doesn't have real friends, has very low self-esteem, and she'll not only blame herself for all (or most) of it when we're the ones to blame, but she'll never trust anyone again. It's a very difficult situation, and I'm in the very odd role of being there for them both.

[Owl]

We've been together a little over a year. He is in the process of separating from her. He doesn't plan to tell her about the affair because it will likely kill her. She doesn't have real friends, has very low self-esteem, and she'll not only blame herself for all (or most) of it when we're the ones to blame, but she'll never trust anyone again. It's a very difficult situation, and I'm in the very odd role of being there for them both.

 

OK...I'm totally lost.

 

How can you POSSIBLY be having an affair with her husband...without her knowledge...and "be there for them both"?

 

I just don't see how that could really, honestly be true.

 

You're working in direct opposition to anything "for her" by having an affair with her H, and all that that entails.

 

I don't get it. How can you feel that you're there for them both in the light of this?

[woinlove]

OK...I'm totally lost.

 

How can you POSSIBLY be having an affair with her husband...without her knowledge...and "be there for them both"?

 

I just don't see how that could really, honestly be true.

 

You're working in direct opposition to anything "for her" by having an affair with her H, and all that that entails.

 

I don't get it. How can you feel that you're there for them both in the light of this?

 

I suspect what Carrie meant is "be seen to be there for both of them".

 

I imagine being seen in that way will help keep the wife in the dark about the reality of the life she shares with them.