blueeyes11 Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I was not sure where to put this since my son is 20. My son has been dating a girl for 2.5 yrs. She just graduated hs and is 18, he is about to start his sophmore yr at college. The degree he is studying for is a 6 yr degree and is not offered everywhere so moving is not an option for him. University is 2 hrs from home. His gf is going to go to the same school starting next week. Her career goal is uncertain at this point. Problem is she was pushing him to get engaged and he finally did it last weekend. I have been upset ever since because I am afraid this is going to prevent him from finishing. Their heads are in the clouds and they do not see the problems they will be facing by moving too fast. Saturday he told me they were going to wait 2 yrs to get married. Well her parents are in a hurry for her to marry my son and suggested next yr so a yr from now when they get an apartment together they will not be living in sin. I see a couple of things going on that I really dislike and my son is not picking up on. One is the gf is pushing him to marry before its time. Two is her family putting the push on to do the same. And three that I really believe they are trying to get rid of their daughter so they do not have to be responsible for her any longer. Four they took advantage of his generosity and asked my sons father if their daughter can use my son's car while my son is in school. She has been hauling her mother to work and all over for a yr now. The car has had some bumps and scrapes and they did not fix it. I feel my son is being used big time by the gf family and he does not see it. I want to talk to my son. I cannot talk to him alone, she is always there, I cannot call him to talk to him, she is there. He does not come over alone they stay with each other day and night. I am so upset for days now. I do not know what to do. I feel I have to be careful because I do not want to push my son away. What can I possibly do to get thru to him? I feel like I a train wreck is about to happen. My son has no balls and just gives and gives and doesn't stand up for himself. I don't want to watch all his dreams go up in smoke. Any advise how to handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 (edited) He is 20. Not much you can do. He is grown and surely can make up his own mind despite anyone else's input. Unless she holds a gun to head, he is doing this all on his own. I really hate the notion that poor wittle men have no minds of their own. At 20, he should be paying his own way and working along with school anyway. If you are paying for his bills and his car, stop. The best way to push him to her is to act badly toward her or speak nasty about her. Edited August 11, 2011 by DaisyLeigh Link to post Share on other sites
Ddeepprreesseedd Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 How do you know it will be a disaster? How are you so certain that they will not be happy? Have you thought about injustice of you influencing him and preventing him from the happiness of his life? Are you so absolutely sure that you are so wise and so clever that you can influence his (or anyone's) decision of THAT scale and magnitude? I am not being tough. I am trying to show you the other side of the coin, I am sure you are a wonderful mom and love him very much. ~~~Boundless Love~~~ Link to post Share on other sites
PelicanPete Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I feel obligated to say something since I was in the exact same situation as your son last year when I was 19, and my mom worried just like you are. My now ex was pressuring me into marriage and to become a student in her country to live with her. I felt very appreciated and special that my ex wanted to marry me, but I also felt very pressured from her and her family for me to marry her as well. I talked to my mom about it because I'm very close to my mom and value her opinion, and she stressed the same concerns as you are. I wanted to hear what she had to say about it, but I already knew she didn't really like my gf so I never considered what she said seriously. She was demoralizing and treating me like a child which only made me not want to listen to her. Deep down, I knew all along I didn't want to get married. I knew I wasn't ready to make that commitment and be a husband. My life was just beginning and I didn't want to make that kind of promise to my gf because I still had years of college ahead of me and I wouldn't be able to provide for our would be family. I wanted to wait, but I didn't want the gf to leave me if I said no because she was everything to me at the time. I came to a decision by myself and told my gf I wanted to wait and that I wasn't ready to get married yet. Half a year later my gf ended up cheating on me and leaving me for someone else, marrying him 4 months after our breakup. Have some confidence in your son. Reading this really pissed me off: My son has no balls and just gives and gives and doesn't stand up for himself. It is his life in the end, and if you try to control him like a child he is only going to take less consideration towards what you say. Don't lecture him about how you don't like his girlfriend, or how you don't want them to get married. Instead ask him questions. How will he provide for their family? Do you really want to commit the rest of your life to her? Why do you need to be married? Voice your concerns, but don't push them on him. Plant the seeds that will make him think long term consequences and let him come to a decision by himself. He probably doesn't want to get married right away either, but feels like no matter what his decision he'll lose someone he cares about. It's not a fun position to be in. Just trust him to make the right choice and let him decide for himself. If he has a shred of doubt about marriage, treating him like an adult and voicing your opinion in a neutral way will probably cause that doubt inside him to grow. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazel_eyes Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 I just want to say as well that he is an adult, and it is his decision. You need to tread VERY carefully with this. I was in this situation as the female fiance. 1. Just because they get married in college doesn't mean they won't complete college. Lots of people get married in college and go on to finish their degrees. We chose to get married in college instead of waiting because 1) we knew we wanted to be married and 2) it actually turned out to be cheaper to be married and attend the school we were at then to do it single. We were both supporting ourselves, neither of our parents took care of our money. 2. I find your description of your son to be very troubling and almost controlling quite frankly. Just because he isn't treading the path that you think is best doesn't necessarily mean it isn't the right one. And if he does make mistakes he needs you to be there for comfort, cause he is young and will, not saying I told you so. Listen my mother in law thought similarly to you. I was in a lose lose situation, she wanted my husband to marry his ex girlfriend and she didn't want him getting married til he was graduated. He put a ring on my finger and all hell broke loose from her. She voiced her opinion many times, caused a huge scene at my wedding day and ruined it, and said similar things about my husband that you are saying about your son. My husband is a very intelligent man capable of thinking for himself and making his own decisions, just because he didn't do what she said didn't mean he didn't have the balls to do it. He just didn't agree with her. The reason why I say be careful is because my mother in laws words and actions during our engagement and wedding completely destroyed their relationship. He has only talked to her once in the last 4 years and he didn't want to. He has no desire to be around her. And like your situation she was the only one who had a problem with it, everyone else supported our decision to marry. Why don't you instead try going from a different angle if you have concerns. If you are worried that they aren't ready then why don't you encourage them to get some premarital counseling. This will either open their eyes and make them decide that they shouldn't get married or provide them the tools to have an even better relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Im so sorry that your going through this. Im going to voice out my opinion on this matter and i have to say that after reading some opinions im quite dissapointed on the answers. You are mother and Its not that you are controlling you just see everything in a different light. I believe that what you say is how you honestly see it and im looking at it from your vision. I would be upset too. maybe you should arrange a lunch date with just him. you ARE his mother. make a point when you talk to him that finishing his career is first. marriage is fine but to take their time... while in their marriage. this girl is young. their could be a possibility she might change her mind in a year. many things can happen in a year. the girl has clinged herself on him and he is basked by the attention. not suprised. lol. about the car situation... it does sound like their taking advantage. so you state it this way " she has that car then its her responsobility to repair and fix." Not his. change of tire... ect... Her parents might be trying to set her up quickly to bask in the essence that theyre daughter did the right thing and got married. and it does take away all responsobility of paying for her college and expenses. they have won the lotto. its a highschool romance that may flourish into something beautiful. open your mind to the positivity. the only thing you can do is have a nice lunch together and voice your opinions with a sweet smile on your face and make sure you point out that its just opinions and how you are seeing things in a third party view. trust me your words will stay with him and they wont harm. One day when hes 35... he will be sitting in his couch and remember your words. whether he took it good or bad at the moment they were told i assure you that a smile of gratitude will appear on his face. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 The best thing to do is address it with logic. Get a big poster and a marker, and sit down with both of them, and chart out what their lives are going to be like in a year when they get married. Brainstorm with them what they will be facing in terms of time, travel, finances, grades, studying, financial aid, etc. Show them that you're on their side if they can map out how they are going to handle everything. Discuss EVERYTHING - birth control (how to afford it), jobs, spending money (who pays for what), gas money, whose friends they'll hang out with, sorority/fraternity issues if applicable, everything. Bring up every potential issue you can think of, and get them to address them. Let them see what it will be like. Also compare that to what it would be like if they do NOT get married yet. (ahead of time, look up financial issues for single and married people so you'll have the data ready) Ask them how they plan on planning a wedding from two hours away. Ask them everything. But do it ON their side, not AGAINST their side. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Have you made an effort to get to know your son's girlfriend? I suggest inviting her out shopping, for coffee, etc without your son. Bonding with her might change your mind and also give her a chance to get to know you too. In this scenario, you might actually be able to influence some decisions in her life and in your son's life if they see you in the light of a caring parental figure. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 12, 2011 Share Posted August 12, 2011 Wow! It absolutely seems as though they are using your son. What did his father say about the car? Will they be helping with maintenance and payments? We have always told our daughter that she gets only one car, only one college education and only one wedding, and ONLY in that order. Two cars in now! She wanted to move out to get an apt with her BF. A few years ago I would have not even considered it! When the time came, I found myself happy she didn't want to marry him to move out. (we love the kid but 22 was too young to make that decision) We sat them down and made suggestions on how to do split bills, rent, make purchases so that if either wanted to move on it would be easy and not so intwined. They followed all suggestions, thankfully. Maybe it's time to have a little talk with her parents. Our trump card has always been the college tuition and car. As long as we are supporting you then you don't get to make careless decisions. 18 and 20 are way to early to get married, stall it for as long as you can and offer to pay for implanted birth control! I can't imagine the parents wanting their daughter to marry at such a young age! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 EDITED: the girl has clinged herself on him and he is basked by the attention. not suprised. lol. about the car situation... it does sound like their taking advantage. so you state it this way " she has that car then its her responsobility to repair and fix." Not his. change of tire... ect... Her parents might be trying to set her up quickly to bask in the essence that theyre daughter did the right thing and got married. ENd Editing Seriously you are going to say in this day and age that a Young lady cannot pay for herself and her career? OKay now That is archaic and not worth sidetracking the OPS' concern. Which yeah I side with wisdom. Its not the PARENT who is getting married, its NOT her life. THat Son that she spoke so unkindly of is a result in part of her childrearing and that of other influences. She is of no manner to CAST final say in his life. She has many choices, first being to grow up and accept that the son is old enough to brush his teeth, cross the street and date. She can either make his life a living heck or jump on the railtrain called life and learn to travel the path in support of her sons decision. Go against the grain and you are bound to get rug burn...Learned to support the person whilst refraining from personal angst for the matter.... TO the poster who thinks that cutting the son off financially is a way to manipulate the matter, think again, it creates a wedge and simply will take years to recoup from. Yes at 18 a kid (young adult) should be told to fend for themselves, but if the parents in some small way to contribute to "investing" in their childs future and has the means to do it then by golly be gracious and do such. IF he marries then yeah...let them stand on their own and be the couple who makes it thru those growing years together.... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 Since his GF is always with him- talk to the both of them when they come over the next time. Let them know you have fears about them not completing college and let them know that. Tell them you'll get behind the marriage as long as they agree to finish school, and suggest lightly that waiting 2 years is probably a better option- just reason with both of them. You can't do much about their plans- he's 20 and he's in love (lust)... Yes, he's most likely making a stupid decision- but he's an adult, so this whole thing will be a learning experience for him. So...Who is paying for this wedding???? Link to post Share on other sites
AHardDaysNight Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I agree with talking to the both of them. Long distance relationships rarely work out, but it could work out...if both partners are willing to make it work. Yes, I said partners. Your son and his girlfriend are a couple, they love each other, and the last thing in the world you need to do is drive a wedge between his love for you compared to his love for his girlfriend (soon to be wife.) That could be problematic. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 I didn't say to just cut off everything, but truthfully, he is a 20 year old ADULT. I managed to pay my bills and attend college, without Mommy and Daddy paying my way in life. I am just saying it can be done. He wants to be a grown up? Fine. Let him. Then back off. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted August 13, 2011 Share Posted August 13, 2011 ... You can't do much about their plans- he's 20 and he's in love (lust)... ... So...Who is paying for this wedding???? I'm not exactly sure how age and lust/love are correlated. You really mean to tell me that a 20 year old MAN cannot be in love with his girlfriend, and it -has- to be lust? The OP mentioned they have been together 2.5 yrs. That hardly seems to be a relationship driven by lust. On the matter of the wedding, I also don't see why it has to be some huge expense... as I recall, it costs like $70 to apply for a marriage license. You guys really give no credit to young people. At 20, you are an ADULT, capable of real love, real relationships, and of having a successful life. Sure, they might not be as mature as they could be, but they are not stupid and incapable of figuring out what they want and how to go about getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyes11 Posted August 13, 2011 Author Share Posted August 13, 2011 Wow, you guys had a lot of advice! I ended up taking my own before I saw what you wrote. I want to say I was very upset when I wrote my post and very emotional and I let it all out. After much thought over a few days I asked my son and his gf to come over and we sat down at the table and had a heart to heart talk. I told her I was going to talk to her like she is already a part of my family. We had a good talk. They listened to my concerns. I voiced my opinion... kindly and my hopes that as his wife she will support making his dreams to come true and not let anything hinder it. They both were very mature and they both said that they do not want to get married next year, its too much pressure. I pledged my support and we all felt much better afterwards. So it looks like we have a couple of years at least before we will be hearing wedding bells. I never said I did not like her btw, I do like her. I was fearful for my sons future because he still has 5 yrs of university to finish before he can start his career. I don't want to see him have to quit, he has a very promising future. I am not trying to control him. I just care and love him and I want the best for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted August 14, 2011 Share Posted August 14, 2011 Well done Blueeyes! Walk alongside them, that's all we Mums can do. Glad you do like the gf. A mums intuition is often right in these matters so don't beat yourself up too much. You found a way to fairly discuss this - that is all that matters. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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