In love with a liar...now what?

[TrutrustGirl]

I have been friends with this man for 6 years. I've shared everything with him (which i'm realizing now was a big mistake). We always felt that we were right for each other and just last year we decided to start dating. Things were pure bliss. It took some time because he has two kids at home living with him and he is very protective about who he introduces to his children. As time went on we got closer. It was as if we've known each other forever. He finally introduced me to his kids, family and most of his friends. Just recently, he asked me to move in with him. As much as I felt that this man was the one, I said yes. I trusted him with everything I am. Just before we moved in, I noticed a problem. The man I'm in love with is a huge flirt. Time passed and I have always known he has many (and I do mean many) female friends that he talks to, texts, IM's, etc. I never paid any mind to it because this man would always talk about how lucky he is to have someone as beautiful as me by his side, how much he wants to marry me. We were even trying to get pregnant because he said he wanted another baby and well, I'm in my mid 30's and still do not have a baby. So we agreed to try. Well two weeks went past that I moved in with him and I suprised him by buying him a new cellphone. I took his old phone to the store to have all his contacts and information transferred over to the new phone. Then it hit! I saw a bunch of text messages to multiple women that were very explicit. He spoke of sexual things he would do to them, sent photos of his privates, received photos of their privates, talked about never getting married, etc. I was devastated!! To this moment, I'm so hurt that I don't know what to do. We've been together for over a year and he wont even put on his facebook status that he is in a relationship with me. I'm starting to believe that he has all these "chat" buddies that he lies to and tells them that he's single. I've posted a few pictures of us on his site but no one has commented or anything but he's been caught up in so many lies that I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He has a strong ego and he always finds away around things. When I confronted him about it, he blew up at me and said that I am invading his privacy. That he would never go through my phone snooping. He claims that he has never done any of those things and that he has flirted here and there with women but he never admitted to doing anything wrong. He denies, denies, denies. He tells me that he has never touched another woman since we've been together. Yes I know I'm dumb in love...things have only calmed down because after weeks of constant arguing, I decided to stop arguing about it. He continously tells me now that I'm his dream girl and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me....BUT HE HAS!!! LOSING TRUST IS THE #1 THING THAT WILL STOP A RELATIONSHIP FROM MOVING FORWARD. He tells me that he doesn't want me to leave him and that he needs me in his life and never wants to lose me. He tells me he loves me and I just can't even say it back. His kids love me and I do everything for them...school, sports, everything a mother would. When he is with me he is sweet, attentive, etc....but when he is at work (a job were he is 99% of the time alone), this is where the texting, and photo sharing take place. One woman even asked him to call him because she was masturbating thinking of him and he commented back, call you in 2 mins. My heart is broken like there is no tomorrow but I cant find it in me to leave...because I really don't want to but now I'm sitting here thinging what a fool I am. I'm stuck in a year lease with a man I love but dont trust!

 

Every morning when he leaves for work, I literally have anxiety attacks because I think the worst. What can I do to over come this? He has been trying to be more open. He lets me use his phone and he doesn't really hide anything but he knows that I won't go through his phone because I'm afraid to find out more. He tried to confort me by telling me that he doesn't talk to anyone anymore but the calls and text messages continue. He hasn't given up these "friends" and I don't think he will. I just want him to prove to me that he is no longer entertaining these other women. I don't want to live terrified but I don't want to leave him either. Ive tried to offer us going to couples counseling but he refuses. I just want to have peace of mind and I really want to trust this man. Can it ever be restored? How do I move on?

[CarrieT]

I just want him to prove to me that he is no longer entertaining these other women. I don't want to live terrified but I don't want to leave him either. Ive tried to offer us going to couples counseling but he refuses. I just want to have peace of mind and I really want to trust this man. Can it ever be restored? How do I move on?

 

He can prove to you that he is no longer entertaining other women by giving you complete and total access to his phone and going to counseling.

 

If he won't, than the trust cannot be restored and you move on by moving out, ASAP.

 

The guy is a player and they thrive on this type of activity. It will not stop and the lies will continue.

[PegNosePete]

He is a liar and a cheat.

 

You need to get rid of him, and find someone you can trust, because you can never trust this guy.

[Arikel]

Trutrustgirl, are you dating my ex by any chance? Because they do the exact same things, deny, deny. My ex said I'm crazy, that I come up with all this weird ****, he defends his lies, I swear he believes in them. He cheated on me, I found out, he said 'he doesn't feel guilty', like a fool I forgave him after talking to him about it all, he lied for another 6 months that he would never cheat on me .. but all the while, HE WAS! He never stopped at all.

 

I finally have dumped him and am now NC, because I know if I do talk to him I might get sucked right back in. My heart wishes we could be together, but I know that will only lead to heartbreak because he WILL NOT and cannot change. He's a serial cheat and a compulsive liar.

 

I don't know if your BF is trying, my ex never did. He put all the responsibility of regaining trust on me. He never helped me at all. So if your BF is like that .. just go. It will never stop

[nalfy88]

Your mental health is a lot more important than the kicks this pervert gets from sneaking around behind your back. That is the most absurd thing, he's probably just doing it for the adrenaline rush and feeling he's doing something he's not supposed to do. Absolutely pathetic! You say he has kids? Poor kids looks like they are going to conflict a lot with their father due to confusion and anger about where he wants to stick it next?! Absolutely shocking!

 

There is no way you are obligated to take this, as I said to a previous threader; women like us should be more choosy, as to force these male perverts to change their spots due to lack of physical or emotional attention from women that they obviously don't deserve. I feel that you should at least start looking at your options to distance yourself from this man (at least to think things through) because trust me if you don't break away and soon, this relationship is going to make you suffer more in the long term.

[dreamingoftigers]

Quit now,

 

You guys are dating, he failed the audition!

 

I am married to one like this and the last damn thing you want with him is a baby!

 

They will tell you that you are crazy, nag too much, too fat, too thin, are blowing this out of proportion etc etc etc. The last thing that you will hear is: yes I did do this, I am ashamed of myself for hurting you so badly. I will stop this BS, I care for you more then I care about being able to do this and I hope that we can repair this. What will it take to earn your trust back?

 

He isn't going to say and mean it. He just isn't. He'll get so emotional and so pushy and act like you better just leave because "it's too much for him." he'll also pull some lame example about how you are just as bad because you left the bread open on the counter in April so don't act like you are any more trustworthy.

 

Jeez, just break the lease and go. Landlords deal with worse everyday. No one is going to cry about it.

[New_Life08]

Hello, your post took my eye and I read every word as if I were looking in the mirror; I have been in your shoes at least to some extent. With some education in human behavior and my own experience…I'm sure you will agree that it is easy to give advice on the outside looking in; however, when we are on the inside it is a much more difficult task to apply what we know is best. One more thing…this will probably be a long post ;-).

 

I am just going to tell you my thoughts from my own experiences and knowledge. The good news is anyone can change so long as the payoff is perceived as more pleasurable than the old behavior. The not-so-good news is that past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

 

From what I see and feel with your partner (obviously) is that he wants his cake and eat it too. He seems to have the same moral dilemma as many people who have been sucked into the sexually explicit nonsense that can be found at the click of a button. Only he brought that into his real life with real people and that is a problem.

 

I will not suggest there is no hope to reestablish what has been lost; that is a very personal matter. But I will say… to err on the side of caution when planning a family with this person. I do not know him, but his behavior hints to narcissism and he would like nothing more than to have you further invested with a child and complicate your efforts to leave.

 

Another thing I want to mention is to beware of the partner who refuses couples counseling for a few reasons. #1 he knows he cannot fool (lie) to a therapist. #2 he has no intention of changing his behavior. #3 he is not going to give you the power of discovery...to have someone else confirm his behavior is inappropriate and destructive.

If he does have some sort of ill guided character you might want to do some homework before you find you’re in a continuous leap of faith that only leads to more question marks. If your intuition is unsettling you might want to consider individual counseling, do not be surprised if he doesn’t like that idea either…for reason #3 mentioned above; there are also self-help books out there that can shed some light on relationship issues. All you have to do is start Googling. Amazon is a great place to get self-help books that are very reasonable.

I also wanted to comment on his defensiveness toward his privacy. I think you already know that this move is a classic turn about to disarm you. If you would have discovered texts between him and his buddies talking about football scores, I doubt he would have taken issue with “privacy”. I believe that the vast majority of people who find sexually explicit exchanges between the person they love and another… are going on a mission to find out just how deeply they have been betrayed….it is human nature.

Another thing that you might want to consider is how far he has taken the betrayal. What you were describing is not isolated instances of casual flirting; it was some very serious ongoing intimate betrayal.

I think you should be mindful of a worst case scenario…there are people in the world who are attention seekers who go to extremes to satisfy it. Consideration and respect are not part of their thought process because these things are the antidote to deception so they pay no mind to how it affects others. This person believes the only thing they did wrong was to get caught; so they manipulate steady ground at home and lie low until they find a better way to hide it. Which tends to get discovered eventually…leaving the other person devastated.

This person has never established healthy moral values and boundaries in fact to some degree they live a double life, one of security, the other of risk and fascination. What is hardest to realize is that it is nothing personal. This person’s intentions are not to hurt anyone and that is where the lies pay off. But most likely the reason to not hurt anyone is also self-centered…so you continue to provide the security he needs at home.

There is an old, over-stated truth: “we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves.” This does not imply that you lay down your guns and leave yourself vulnerable. What it means is to put your energy where it is most productive. The best way to find the answers you need is to detach from the anguish that makes you feel insecure and jaded. It can be a very tough thing to do but you must invest some quality time in yourself to discover your own self worth.

When you are not so clouded by the anguish and resentment of his behavior you will have a much clearer understanding of your own needs and figure out the next step to take. As I mentioned before… a counselor would be very beneficial for you. It can be an eye-opener to have a specialist in the field answer questions and offer methods to empower yourself emotionally.

From my own experiences, time spent wondering “why” and if he will have a revelation that your relationship is meaningful enough to make him respectable …is time wasted.

Work on yourself to learn your own standards of what is forgivable and worthy of trust. In the meantime whether he has a revelation of what love is or not is irrelevant because you may discover that the things you already know have crossed over what you can live with peacefully.

Take Care, I wish you all the best.

B~