"I am No Longer Attracted To You" thread

[wilsonx]

I have a friend at work who has gone through these types of relationships (shes the dumper in all but once case). Shes a runner and doesn't like to face her own or relationship problems. She is the poster child for GIGS.

 

If you read a lot of these stories about people that post here, they are all the same. No problems with the relationship, perfect couple, almost no fights. One day it just ends out of no where.

 

For the longest time I did not understand what was going on. My ex said something to me 2 months before it ended when I saw her drunk text another guy. She said "If there wasn't a problem with the relationship, I never would have given this guy the time of day" That kind of sat on me for a long time. To someone logically and emotionally mature, that made absolutely no sense and I did not understand it. Another thing that sat on me was she finally confessed to cheating on me after she broke up with me and I asked her why she did it, she said the same thing, that her and I were having problems(our problems at the time was about the texts her and him were sending to each other the same as at the end of our relationship).

 

So I asked my friend yesterday what goes on in your mind. She said if theres a problem in the relationship, attraction is built towards someone else of the opposite sex. Attraction is a killer of relationships. That attraction built up would eventually cause them to lose attraction towards you and the relationship is over and they jump ship to the next person. She said that relationship takes its course and then the same thing happens, from either person in the relationship and then that relationship is over. She told me at the end there she has tried going back to the ex's she has left but they usually have moved on as a significant amount of time has passed.

 

The problem I noticed with this instantly and I hope that those dumpees that are reading this do too is that this is extremely emotionally immature. These people will continue doing this for the rest of their lives without help. You can't tell them this, trust me, my intuition told my ex this the day after she broke up with me and she said instantly "that isn't going to want me to get back together with you" I told her I know.

 

If you follow the GIGS thread recently, there is a link to a thread that I got heated on because there is a pattern there. In the dumpers very first post, she stated that She regrets what she did (she's playing the victim card that these people play so that others will show her empathy and sure enough people did show her empathy). She said she was no longer "attracted" to him even after all these years(See key words). She said another key word that my friend stated, she said that she tried to extremely hard to love him." My ex said this to me after our breakup and after her cheating thing. She said after she cheated, she was trying 2xs harder to love me. When you truly love someone, you just do, you don't try harder and it just doesn't go away over night. That's why I have made the comment before that hurt people do not know how to love, they dont. All hurt people know how to do is hurt other people.

 

Both guys and girls do this, just because I am using a female doesn't mean guys dont do this.

 

Hopefully this makes people that have had difficulty coping with this understand it better and find some closure. Bottom line, these people are emotionally immature, they use other people's love as casts to cover up the hurt they have in themselves. These people do have hurt and anger built up inside of them, usually from a parental figure and/or lack there of in their childhood.

 

Watch the patterns, stay away, and protect yourselves.

 

Feel free to comment, add, ask questions.

[Mack05]

That's why I have made the comment before that hurt people do not know how to love, they dont. All hurt people know how to do is hurt other people.

 

Bottom line, these people are emotionally immature, they use other people's love as casts to cover up the hurt they have in themselves. These people do have hurt and anger built up inside of them, usually from a parental figure and/or lack there of in their childhood.

 

Watch the patterns, stay away, and protect yourselves.

 

 

Wilson, This is spot on! I posted this on another thread. I will very careful in future before getting involved with someone from a broken family/childhood. The people that rise above it and go on to be success's in life are truly amazing, inspirational people. The truth is, most end up being a product of their environment. Running away from demons and kidding themselves along the way. Living their lives believing they are happy but living in complete and utter self denial..Avoiding having to deal with all that hurt and anger. Taking it out an everyone else along the way. One dysfunctional relationship after another.

 

People from broken families tend to have atrocious communication skills. They are unable to 'relate' in a relationship. Being in a relationship with these type of people can be intoxicating, until it all starts to go wrong. There is nothing surer that it will eventually go wrong, no matter who they are with. It can be a massive shock to see just how fast they fall out of love with you. It's a like a child with a toy it no longer wants to play with. These types of men/women have not emotionally developed and the longer they stay in these destructive patterns, the worse things will get for them when they get older.

 

They don't think like a 'normal' emotionally healthy person and talking to them about this is pointless, as these people live their lives in complete and utter self denial. Indeed, if you talk to them about this, they will end up resenting you. I find it sad that external circumstances have caused these girls/guys to be as messed up as they are. Like everyone they just want to be loved, but you can't help people that simply don't want to be helped..Unless they partake, in years of tough therapy and conquer their inner demons, they will continue to make the same mistakes. They will continue to stay in a vicious, destructive cycle. They have too REALLY want (be self-aware) to break free from this vicious cycle, but staying in their 'dream' world/bubble is a lot safer. They are bullet proof there and genuinely believe they are happy. Sadly the longer they stay there avoiding things, the quicker they head towards that inevitable train wreck that's waiting for them down the track.

 

Before I will get involved with someone from a broken family/childhood I need to be 110% certain they have faced their demons and conquered them. Yes that is harsh, but relationships are hard enough to make work longterm. With an emotionally immature person, it's pratically impossible. Eventually, they will suck all the good out of you and leave you on the scrapheap (broken) when they are done. Leaving you with a million questions and zero sense of closure..Thread with care is my final piece of advice on this forum for awhile. I am in a happy place now and I don't think I can empathise with a broken heart like I used too.

 

Good Thread Wilson..

Edited August 10, 2011 by Mack05

[CaliBabe]

good post wilson

[Rory12345]

Snip

 

Brilliant thread Wilson, enjoyed it and it made me think.

 

Mack05, you have hit the nail on the head, such a well thought post. I was one of those people you described. I had a tough childhood (physically and mentally abused). I was rubbish in my communication and lived in denial about what happened. After having a tough break up, I booked counselling. I went to and my life is starting to turn around. Slowly, I'm starting to trust people. I feel like a new person, actually confronting my demons from my past and talking about them. Thinking back to how I was now just makes me cringe.

 

Once again Mack05, a brilliant post. One of the best I've ever read.

 

Regards.

[Mack05]

Rory that is great to hear mate. Massive respect for turning your life around. The happiness that is coming your way, way you deserve it.

[NursingGirl]

Wilson and Mack- it is true that hurt people (from bad childhoods) don't know how to love. Mack, you and I have already discussed this in my thread and I am totally aware of how my childhood affects me in relationships. I have come along way and people who want to change CAN change! People who fall in love with those from bad childhoods can help and support that person's change also. My point is, people CAN change! To chain a person from a bad childhood to the assumption that they are doomed for eternal failure and unhappiness is totally unfair. It is possible. Please, give us hope. We are amazing people once we begin serious work on intimacy issues.

 

The people who can't see the issues they have...they may one day. Forums like this could actually help them to see. Like I said in my other thread, I had foster children and could spot the trust issues and the emotional shutdown from someone failing them. I understood and could explain and I hope I have helped. I know one of my foster children had a baby with an abusive man and did not finish high school. I don't know if one day, she will replay some of my words in her head and decide she deserves more and that her child deserves more. I know that a big precipitant to change, for me, was my first daughter. I had never been in love before her. Because of her as an inspiration, her life will never have to be like mine. Sometimes, we just need someone to love us and inspire us to change.

[nikkinicole36]

I come from a broken home and had an atrocious childhood. My ex came from a stable family where his parents were still together and married. He was the one who screwed me over, so the assumption that it's mostly the people from broken homes is not true. I will say however that I have spent years in therapy even prior to my relationship with my ex working on me so I was lot more self aware. The truth is that most of us come from some level of dsyfunction. No family is perfect, and the statistics say that 85% of people now come from homes that have major issues. That's a lot of us.

[Mack05]

Nursing girl/Nikki I agree 110% people can change. But they must have that desire to change (and this is the hardest part, as most are in self denial believing there is nothing wrong with them). I came from a good home and I can accept my role in messing up my last relationship so I get your point Nikki. Anyone can mess up a relationship if they are not happy within themselves.

 

What I am saying is, in general (and I am sure the stats would back me up) people that come from broken homes tend to be a product of their environment. That doesn't mean everyone is. And as I said above (and to Rory) I have massive respect for people that turn their lives around, after coming from such a troubled background.

[NursingGirl]

Nursing girl/Nikki I agree 110% people can change. But they must have that desire to change (and this is the hardest part, as most are in self denial believing there is nothing wrong with them). I came from a good home and I can accept my role in messing up my last relationship so I get your point Nikki. Anyone can mess up a relationship if they are not happy within themselves.

 

What I am saying is, in general (and I am sure the stats would back me up) people that come from broken homes tend to be a product of their environment. That doesn't mean everyone is. And as I said above (and to Rory) I have massive respect for people that turn their lives around, after coming from such a troubled background.

 

 

Gotcha Mack, thanks.

[wilsonx]

I believe people can change too. I have thrown away 2 good relationships because I was bored. I think it took me to get beat down into the ground on this relationship to realize and learn a lot about myself. I came from a good home. My parents are still married. Will I change after this yes.

 

I was just showing the patterns of hurt people and what they say that should throw up redflags in any relationship. I almost have a list of things but a lot were personal to me. They weren't necessarily bad, but when it was said, I paused and wondered uhhh what was just said. I have another good friend that I gave this site info too today because she is one of those people like my other friend/boss I posted about. If you can not tell, I am surrounded by these types of people. My ex, my boss(female posterchild for GIGS), my friend (female), and another friend (male) who just got dumped by a female with these same traits. Its really ridiculous. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. All emotionally immature but really smart intellectually. All are hurt from their childhood. I know all their stories and they are the same.

[antinko]

Hm, upon reading this thread, I wondered if we can simplify things a little bit because this struck me as...interesting; it might not be, but hey.

 

Ok, does attraction come down to this in some ways?

 

- People who are willing to change are more likely to be attracted to people who are also willing to change?

 

As you can see from my journal, and other rambles I've produced, I'm trying to better myself and it took my break up to make me really put effort into this. Time will only reveal who I next end up with, but with what I've learned, I suspect I'll only be settling for a relationship next time with someone who is similarly adaptable, even coming from a similar background.

[wilsonx]

Hm, upon reading this thread, I wondered if we can simplify things a little bit because this struck me as...interesting; it might not be, but hey.

 

Ok, does attraction come down to this in some ways?

 

- People who are willing to change are more likely to be attracted to people who are also willing to change?

 

As you can see from my journal, and other rambles I've produced, I'm trying to better myself and it took my break up to make me really put effort into this.

 

Change should have nothing to do with attraction. Nothing, you do not want to be with somebody that is not happy with themselves or happy with you and want either one to change. The point of this thread was to show patterns of people that say "I am not attracted to you anymore". Do you see the word love in there? For these people it means the same thing because they do not know what love is.

 

Time will only reveal who I next end up with, but with what I've learned, I suspect I'll only be settling for a relationship next time with someone who is similarly adaptable, even coming from a similar background.

 

What is this? Time has nothing to do with it. The only thing responsible for who you end up with next is you. Do not use the word settling with relationship or you will be posting here soon after that relationship starts.

[antinko]

Fair points. You know, I really don't get 'me' to be honest. I'm so hit and miss.

 

Thinking about how me and my ex got started, I was on fire, I teased and tested her and it work so well in the beginning, I think, because I wasn't that 'bothered' in the beginning. I was somewhat detached, but grew into it...then we both got boring.

 

I need to strike a balance somewhere; it's just experience. I'm not going to be 'settling' for anyone.

[lvm]

I agree with all of the points above. I come from a mixed family where two of my three siblings just left with very little explanation when I was a kid. I "learned" at a young age that love was scary because you never know when they will leave. This severely impacted my relationships; in looking back at the majority of mine, the one thing that is common is that I always left. So I always left before I could get hurt like that.... but didn't understand it until more recently.

 

In working with an at-risk population the last ten years, I have noticed another common trend - "I'm going to act up before you reject me; thus when you walk away, it is because of my behavior - not because of me personally".

 

People do change, but they need to wrestle with the issue first. For a long time, I was trying to change... but didn't even know what the root cause was in causing my behavior! Once it became clear to me, I began making a lot of progress. I was talking with some friends about it the other night and they pointed out how obvious it was to them the whole time... but for so long, I just couldn't pinpoint the cause of my emotional immaturity

[SCG_Sasa1111]

After reading your post and you reading about my story on several threads....would having your parents divorce at a young age and not having that father figure around in your life play a part in getting emotionally attached to someone else when I was gone? I mean 4.5 years is a long time to throw away for an attachment during the 15 days I was gone like when I tell people this story they look at me like i am an idiot and this was going on way before when it wasn't....:S

 

 

I was gone for 15 days and that was enough for her to get attached to someone else and leave me for him eventually. However a year before she would go 3 weeks to the states to visit family and she was fine - so when she did the leaving she was okay but when i left her all alone she was depressed and completely reached rock bottom?

 

any insight on that wilson?

[wilsonx]

She got attached to him well before the 15 days to be honest, she just used that as an excuse. Honestly, I have learned to never believe what someone says as a reason for the breakup. Its pure bull**** for the most part.

 

As far as the family issue you brought up, thats the pattern I am seeing big time. Its usually father not in picture or in the picture very little.

[antinko]

She got attached to him well before the 15 days to be honest, she just used that as an excuse. Honestly, I have learned to never believe what someone says as a reason for the breakup. Its pure bull**** for the most part.

 

As far as the family issue you brought up, thats the pattern I am seeing big time. Its usually father not in picture or in the picture very little.

 

Yeh, I think I just 'got' this fact. I really wanted a reason as to why my ex broke up with me but the things she said were so garbled, so contradictory that they just hurt me even more.

 

Anyway, after reading the original post again, it pretty much fits my ex to the letter and, had I been more experienced, I would have taken what she'd said about the patterns of her previous relationships as a big clue.

 

To be honest, my gut told me this was the case with my ex even before I joined LS, but I couldn't acknowledge, or instead refused to believe, that anyone who'd been so convincingly in love with me could disengage in such a way. It's been a powerful learning lesson.

Edited August 15, 2011 by antinko

[danceallday]

This thread has been very helpful and is very interesting to read. My ex came from a broken home and grew up with some of the worst stuff you can imagine. He was always trying to push me away, there were always trust issues with him, and he was astonishingly immature and emotionally unavailable. Hindsight is 20/20, and lesson learned. The things that I have observed that make people change: near-death experience, serious disease (like cancer), loss of a loved one, birth of a child, true epiphanies.

[wilsonx]

This thread has been very helpful and is very interesting to read. My ex came from a broken home and grew up with some of the worst stuff you can imagine. He was always trying to push me away, there were always trust issues with him, and he was astonishingly immature and emotionally unavailable. Hindsight is 20/20, and lesson learned. The things that I have observed that make people change: near-death experience, serious disease (like cancer), loss of a loved one, birth of a child, true epiphanies.

 

Actually, I do not know if what I bolded is true. The friend who I talked about in this post has been in a long term relationship for 3 years, had a kid with him, "need her space from him" after 6 months with him, hung out with his best friend and he caught her. She slept with another friend of mine. Now they are back together and she told me the other day that she considered dating me when she saw me after I worked out. She had this super strong attraction towards me and I told her absolutely not.

 

I think these people need to go through counseling/therapy.

[betterdeal]

You know, I read what you've posted here and it sounds like you want to make the entire world make sense, for everyone to fit into it in a clear and understandable way. It's tempting to think like that, but it's also futile and, frankly, none of your business how other people conduct their private lives.

 

The one size fits all approach has never worked and never will. The spinster aunts who live together can be as happy as the TV commercial average, regular atomic family, except they're more likely to feel disrespected for not conforming to the nuclear family model you are pushing for, and so their source of unhappiness is your pushing, not their lifestyle.

 

Look at it like this: some people get their pay cheques and splash out for a week or two, then scrimp and save for the rest of the month. Others plan their spending and spend much the same each week. The first type get to live like a king for a week each month then become paupers for the rest of the month. The latter live somewhere in between. Neither is more right or wrong than the other. It's a personal choice.

 

The same happens with relationships. If a series of 3-month f*ckfests followed by messy breakups twiddles your knobs, or a lifelong partnership to the grave is what you want, both are fine. And more than likely you will switch between the two and everything in between at different points in your life. The point is to find a way to live that makes you happy. If then you decide that someone else is worthy of sharing that with you, for some period of time, great. If not, great too.

 

But if you do decide to share some of yourself with someone else, talk to them about what you want and what they want. If you can agree amicably an arrangement that makes you happy, great. If not, move on. And keep reviewing it as you see fit to. If you're with someone for a number of years and you split up, that's too bad, but it's not the end of the world. You guys probably didn't talk enough about things that bugged you. So next relationship, be more communicative, if you want to have a better chance of dealing with things in a different way from the last one.

 

I don't wish to dismiss the agony and heartache you had from your last relationship. I've read quite a lot of your posts and threads, and I know how it feels. I'm just saying, let go of trying to make everyone else fit into your world-view and instead just change your world-view a little. Maybe make it a bit smaller, so that it can be bigger. Focus on the things near you and the bigger picture will paradoxically become clearer.

Edited August 19, 2011 by betterdeal

[LelouchIsZero]

You know, I read what you've posted here and it sounds like you want to make the entire world make sense, for everyone to fit into it in a clear and understandable way. It's tempting to think like that, but it's also futile and, frankly, none of your business how other people conduct their private lives.

 

The one size fits all approach has never worked and never will. The spinster aunts who live together can be as happy as the TV commercial average, regular atomic family, except they're more likely to feel disrespected for not conforming to the nuclear family model you are pushing for, and so their source of unhappiness is your pushing, not their lifestyle.

 

Look at it like this: some people get their pay cheques and splash out for a week or two, then scrimp and save for the rest of the month. Others plan their spending and spend much the same each week. The first type get to live like a king for a week each month then become paupers for the rest of the month. The latter live somewhere in between. Neither is more right or wrong than the other. It's a personal choice.

 

The same happens with relationships. If a series of 3-month f*ckfests followed by messy breakups twiddles your knobs, or a lifelong partnership to the grave is what you want, both are fine. And more than likely you will switch between the two and everything in between at different points in your life. The point is to find a way to live that makes you happy. If then you decide that someone else is worthy of sharing that with you, for some period of time, great. If not, great too.

 

But if you do decide to share some of yourself with someone else, talk to them about what you want and what they want. If you can agree amicably an arrangement that makes you happy, great. If not, move on. And keep reviewing it as you see fit to. If you're with someone for a number of years and you split up, that's too bad, but it's not the end of the world. You guys probably didn't talk enough about things that bugged you. So next relationship, be more communicative, if you want to have a better chance of dealing with things in a different way from the last one.

 

I don't wish to dismiss the agony and heartache you had from your last relationship. I've read quite a lot of your posts and threads, and I know how it feels. I'm just saying, let go of trying to make everyone else fit into your world-view and instead just change your world-view a little. Maybe make it a bit smaller, so that it can be bigger. Focus on the things near you and the bigger picture will paradoxically become clearer.

I agree with most of the OP, though some of it is a bit off.

 

It doesn't fit every case but I personally feel that it suits most.

 

The analogy you used is a bit stupid as they're two totally different things. 'Big' decisions you make whilst in a relationship directly affect the person you're with. Selfish acts can emotionally/mentally destroy people for some amount of time, unlike spending money a certain way.

 

I agree that you should always be looking for things that make you happy, but you can't just go along hurting other people & then change back to wanting a proper relationship when it suits you. Doing so is selfish.

 

If you're not looking to commit to someone then don't get in a relationship, especially when you're not going to put an equal amount of effort in. I guess its all fair game if you outline what you want at the beginning of the relationship with the other person.

Edited August 19, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[wilsonx]

You know, I read what you've posted here and it sounds like you want to make the entire world make sense, for everyone to fit into it in a clear and understandable way. It's tempting to think like that, but it's also futile and, frankly, none of your business how other people conduct their private lives.

 

The one size fits all approach has never worked and never will. The spinster aunts who live together can be as happy as the TV commercial average, regular atomic family, except they're more likely to feel disrespected for not conforming to the nuclear family model you are pushing for, and so their source of unhappiness is your pushing, not their lifestyle.

 

Look at it like this: some people get their pay cheques and splash out for a week or two, then scrimp and save for the rest of the month. Others plan their spending and spend much the same each week. The first type get to live like a king for a week each month then become paupers for the rest of the month. The latter live somewhere in between. Neither is more right or wrong than the other. It's a personal choice.

 

The same happens with relationships. If a series of 3-month f*ckfests followed by messy breakups twiddles your knobs, or a lifelong partnership to the grave is what you want, both are fine. And more than likely you will switch between the two and everything in between at different points in your life. The point is to find a way to live that makes you happy. If then you decide that someone else is worthy of sharing that with you, for some period of time, great. If not, great too.

 

But if you do decide to share some of yourself with someone else, talk to them about what you want and what they want. If you can agree amicably an arrangement that makes you happy, great. If not, move on. And keep reviewing it as you see fit to. If you're with someone for a number of years and you split up, that's too bad, but it's not the end of the world. You guys probably didn't talk enough about things that bugged you. So next relationship, be more communicative, if you want to have a better chance of dealing with things in a different way from the last one.

 

I don't wish to dismiss the agony and heartache you had from your last relationship. I've read quite a lot of your posts and threads, and I know how it feels. I'm just saying, let go of trying to make everyone else fit into your world-view and instead just change your world-view a little. Maybe make it a bit smaller, so that it can be bigger. Focus on thetr things near you and the bigger picture will paradoxically become clearer.

 

This post isn't for all breakups. This is for gigs type breakups. no one else assumed that this was for all breakups. I wrote this thread to extend homebrews gigs post written in last Nov. His post helped me find closure and this is just an expansion of my personal experience with these type of breakups between myself, my friends, my family and other people that have posted their experience here.

 

I

[reimeivn]

yeah getting bored. when you dont build it, it dies. love is like a tree. you can choose to nurture it, but you cant choose to nurture it after you killed it already.

 

it took me a friend listening to me and my ex talking in order to find out that my ex wasnt listening to me. and yes, he yelled at me saying that he tried so hard, shut up about him trying, i didnt know anything. immature people do that.

 

the good thing is you can choose to not nurture the love for that kind of person anymore. i am slowly doing it, whenever i success, i lll tell you guys.

[AlexDP]

She got attached to him well before the 15 days to be honest, she just used that as an excuse. Honestly, I have learned to never believe what someone says as a reason for the breakup. Its pure bull**** for the most part.

 

As far as the family issue you brought up, thats the pattern I am seeing big time. Its usually father not in picture or in the picture very little.

 

Not always true. Borderlines have object constancy issues. The people you describe sound like people who have bpd traits. It's all relative, but don't be so fast to judge. It is possible she attached to a new guy within 15 days if she's borderline.

[Movingthrough]

After making my massive post in the breakup section, this thread pretty much describese my ex. I think the biggest problem with dumpees that are involved with these type of people is the whole "want what you cant have thing". I still find myself slighty attracted to certain aspects of my ex, yet every aspect has a dark side, a side that no guy would ever want.

 

Another thing that should be added to this thread is the fake confidence aspect. These people because they love to jump, have a confidence about them (or they portray it). For someone to say "I dont love you anymore" and move on, makes the dumpee feel worthless and it makes the dumper look "strong". Obviously its a fake confidence that will go into a fake relationship but its something that hurts.

 

I hate to say it, but this jumper mentality is becoming very common.