Marie20 Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Okay so me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and have lived together for 3 1/2 years. The first time we met he told his friends that he was going to marry me (this was before we even started dating). So for 4 years I have been told that he wants to marry me and that a ring is coming soon. He always has had a excuse as to why I do not have a ring I was unemployees and needed a job, I got a job and then it was we couldnt save money because we were paying to much in rent but he did save $3,000.00 for a truck no problem at all. Then we moved into his mothers basement that he redid over so we could save money for a house and he told me that we would be engaged in a year. Well lets just say living with the mother didnt work out well at all and we moved out again after 7 months to a new apartment that we are paying much less in rent. He has even told my father that a ring is coming when my father asked him where is my daughters ring. Which was embarassing for me of course because not only does that put more pressure on him but it makes me look stupid. So for 4 years I have watch my best friend get engaged to a guy she has only been dating for 2 years. I have watched my other friends get divorsed and re-engaged to another guy in the amount of time that i have been with my boyfriend. It breaks my heart to see everyone else moving to the next step and it just seems like I am stuck in a relationship that isnt going anywhere but I am constantly told that the ring is coming. I have some security issues from my ex from cheating and physicaly abusing me but I have come a really far way as has my b/f who was constantly in trouble with the law. He is going to be 33 and I am 27. Its not just about the marraige and the ring to me its more about the commintment so we can start a family. I am 27 years old I am not getting any younger and i would like to have kids before I turn 30. We talk about marraige ALL the tiem and he insists that he is going to marry me. My question is how long am I suppose to wait for him to propose? How do I know he isnt just stringing me along? I love him with all of my heart and would do anything for him but I cant wait forever. Talking to him about it doesnt get me anywhere because he just tells me that it is coming. But being told that for 3 years now its kinda hard to believe. What do I do??? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
limelily Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 He's not ready to get married. Talk is cheap. If he talks about getting married all of the time, he would have put things into action if he was truely ready. I think you should think about leaving this guy or at least DO something that will put it into his head that you don't have to stay with him. Move out or stay somewhere else until he comes to you with a ring maybe? Stringing you along is exactly what he seems to be doing. I think you have waited long enough, and by the sounds of it, patiently. That's not fair at all. Try not to compare your relationship to your friend's when it comes to getting engaged, married, kids, etc. This can just create tension within yourself and possibly you'll start questioning/doubting youself and self worth. Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Kelemort Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I don't think there's anything wrong with her for acknowledging that other friends' relationships have progressed more quickly - what she is saying is that she envies that their relationships have progressed while, despite her interest in moving forward, she's still stuck in the same spot. My feeling is that this guy isn't going to marry you anytime soon. He's going to let your ovaries get brown, crusty and useless before he comes around to proposing. What's his job like? Does he do well financially - at least somewhat? I can understand him putting money down on a truck IF he needed it (if it came down to it, I'd much rather my boyfriend postpone an engagement if he has a big expense that's going to help him get to work and back). But now you've got a guy repeatedly telling you "Soon" or "Someday" and it's been something you've been hearing for ages. People around you are getting impatient. You're getting impatient. So, it's time to get to business. The next time he tells you "Soon" or "Someday," you ask "When?" If he tries to give you an ambiguous timeline, you say, "I would like to be engaged by X." Don't let him give you this ambiguous "Soon," because soon never ends up coming. He always has a way out of it. And then you start putting your own life together. You've made it clear to him when you want to be engaged and what your expectations are. If your 'desired engagement date' rolls by, you pack up and move all of your stuff out without any warning. Because otherwise, if you continue to stay, you're reinforcing that you'll set deadlines but never keep them, and he can keep doing what he wants. And if it takes more than just a "I'd like to be engaged by..." to get a guy to marry you, it likely would end up in divorce down the road anyway when he blames you for pressuring him to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
limelily Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 I agree, 'acknowledging" her friend's relationships is going to happen naturally...it all depends on how you deal with it. I do think it is a constant reminder, I just don't want you to compare yourself in such a way that you begin to feel like you're lacking something. I agree with Kelemort, "soon" and "someday" are WAY to vauge! I think setting an actual timeline in the near future on getting engaged is in order. If it doesn't happen, on to the next. He's had plenty of time I think. You've already waited long enough in my opinion! On second note, Kelemort made a great point with the financial side of it...if you know it CAN be done financially (engagement ring AND wedding) and he hasn't done anything yet...I wouldn't give a timeline to get engaged. I'd be packing...like now. Link to post Share on other sites
David Cain Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 He's not ready to get married. Talk is cheap. If he talks about getting married all of the time, he would have put things into action if he was truely ready. I think you should think about leaving this guy or at least DO something that will put it into his head that you don't have to stay with him. Move out or stay somewhere else until he comes to you with a ring maybe? Stringing you along is exactly what he seems to be doing. I think you have waited long enough, and by the sounds of it, patiently. That's not fair at all. Try not to compare your relationship to your friend's when it comes to getting engaged, married, kids, etc. This can just create tension within yourself and possibly you'll start questioning/doubting youself and self worth. Hope this helps! Great post. Link to post Share on other sites
FarmGirl Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Like I'm one to talk (sheepish grin) but is sure sounds like he's not ready to get married & you're probably better off not wasting your golden years of childbearing waiting for him to get ready. ~FG Link to post Share on other sites
limelily Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Like I'm one to talk (sheepish grin) but is sure sounds like he's not ready to get married & you're probably better off not wasting your golden years of childbearing waiting for him to get ready. ~FG Key term: Golden years of child bearing. This is such a big deal for women, not so much men. You REALLY need to determine how much of a deal breaker this is. Think long term and about the things you want to achieve. Link to post Share on other sites
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