Guilt, Ownership, and the Future ...

[Under The Radar]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

[half_ofa_heart]

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

DID and DO!!!! I Hate what I am doing to his wife and kids and have daily struggles between that and my feelings for him. The question I pose to myself is how could I fall in love with someone who isn't available in the first place????!!!!

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

HELL NO!!!! I have had MM approach me in the past and was more than capable of telling them NO and meaning it.

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

I keep searching as to what made this man different - I still don't have the answer. But I know now the pain that it causes - not just to his family but to ME!!!! Leaving my husband was easier than leaving this relationship! (which I'm still in BTW)

 

It's like quitting any addiction.... Once you're free from the drug, why on earth would you ever want to go back to that scary place???

[Under The Radar]

Half_ofa_Heart, thanks for sharing. If you haven't read the book, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" - How and Why Love Doesn't Work, it may be helpful. The author is Howard Halpern and it did give me some great insight into why I have had trouble exiting some toxic relationships in my past.

I can understand how difficult the process of ending a toxic relationship can be. For your own sake, I hope you find the strength to leave if that is what's best for you.

[MissBee]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

He wasn't married and often times I feel like if he were, I would not have ventured there at all. Yes I did feel guilt.

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

He wasn't married, and someone married is even less attractive to me to become involved with, as in my own mind it seems like an even bigger transgression. But no I would not get involved with ANY taken person, married or otherwise involved in a "perceived relationship" with someone else.

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

It is not the ideal situation, there was too much to think about, too much rationalizing and justifying, over thinking, I hate the lack of transparency, the questions, concerns, the inability to have full availability, the impediment to trust and the list goes on. Yes there can be good times and a form of love, but the cons outweigh those pros for me and I'd rather aspire to THE BEST and most ideal situation, and this, no matter how it's sliced, for me, just isn't.

 

I never embarked upon that situation with full knowledge but continued after finding out the truth. I think my mentality then, maturity, spiritual evolution, psychological evolution, overall self awareness etc were at a different level and I feel like the level I am on now, the requirements I have for myself and a partner, my idea of love, my life stage where I am young but starting to carve out my place in the world and want to eventually settle down and get married etc wouldn't allow me to find that situation acceptable or satisfying and I have an aversion towards it and plan to avoid such trysts at all cost.

 

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

My answers are bolded

Edited August 10, 2011 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

I didn't feel guilt as to my actions, I felt guilt that she did not hold the knowledge I held. I felt guilt for the treatment she received (from him, not me). I felt sad for her, for both of them.

 

I think that becoming involved with THIS married person ranks up there as one of the greatest experiences of my life. But it brings a stack of hassle. I doubt very much that if we decided to end our relationship now that I'd contemplate someone who's committed to another. I just can't be arsed, to be frank.

[Gentlegirl]

Yes I felt guilty.

 

Definitely wouldn't do it EVER again.... it's a destructive toxic way to live, involving a lot of pain. I don't want to waste anymore of my life or anybody else's

 

Have a great day,

 

Gentlegirl

 

Gentlegilr

[White Flower]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

Last year in late September I found myself suddenly exOW for a time. Two weeks later I began dating a separated man, and I felt leery due to advice from this forum because most said if he was separated, well, he was a MM and an obvious liar!

 

Posters chided me with, 'How do you KNOW he's getting a D?' (It was final last March).

 

We dated heavy for about 3 months and had a great time. I could have fallen in love with this guy and ended up M to him when I think about it but my heart was still pining for MM at the time and I was honest about those feelings. I ended it with the separated man and he began seeing someone right after me who he is engaged to now. I couldn't be more happy for him. I do not consider that R an EMA.

 

1a)

I thought I felt tremendous guilt at the beginning of my A with MM, especially as I knew nothing of his BW. I later decided it was more a feeling of compassion rather than guilt. If she were warm, kind, caring then I could and would feel compassionate, (not about sleeping with him, but about her pain). MM rarely said a bad word about her, but would relay stories about arguments between them, about her views on her acquaintances (because she didn't have any friends), and about her adult children's feelings about her, and also about her behavior regarding me (which is verifiable) so I began to feel less and less compassionate about her feelings since she didn't seem to care about mine, nor about a whole lot of other peoples'. (again, verifiable). So in the end, my compassion factor was definitely minimized for her.

1b)

I DID, however, feel guilty, rather, compassionate when the separated man's wife saw us together. She had dropped her daughter off at his apartment just as he and I parked in the same parking lot. I waited in my car for him while she waited in her car for her daughter to return from his apartment after she got her keys. I knew the STBXW still wanted him back, and my heart broke for her as she must have sat there and stared at me, (she was parked behind me). His stories were relayed in a manner that I could tell she was a warm and caring person. I had all kinds of compassion about that, even though he was not cheating on her.

 

So I would say my guilt factor (really compassion) relies on how I feel about the individual. If she is kind and compassionate I will return that sentiment and if she is a vulture, well what goes around...

2a)

I technically did, and it worked out fine. Would I do it again with someone who was in a committed R? No. I have two such men bugging me right now who I keep saying no to.

2b)

However, at the beginning of my A with MM I did often believe an A was quite enough for me. I don't know if I will ever be in that place again.

3a) 3a will be pro having an A again: sexual gratification, companionship, and excitement without having to pay his bills or do his laundry.

3b) 3b will be con having an A again: wanting more and not having it.

 

 

In your title you mention ownership. Was that meant as ownership of guilt, or what?

Edited August 10, 2011 by White Flower

[fooled once]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

**Yes

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

**NEVER

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

**Because it was wrong. I was lied to (he was separated when we met - he lived on his own for a year, and yes I know this to be a fact because we stayed there. Plus he was using the lawyer that I had used in my divorce; which was prior to meeting him. I was at a low point in my life; he said the right things, he did the right things and I know now I should have ended it when he returned to the marital home. But I didn't and I can't change the past; I can only go forward and I know me and know I will never again get involved with a married person. I also know me and knew I will never cheat on my husband, just like I never cheated on my ex husband.

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

Answers above in bold

[Under The Radar]

White Flower,

 

I guess by ownership I was asking if people involved with a married person felt it was wrong. If so, are they at peace now?

[White Flower]

White Flower,

 

I guess by ownership I was asking if people involved with a married person felt it was wrong. If so, are they at peace now?

Well TR, IME people tend to feel guilty about stepping out on their own M's/R's and let the other committed people worry about what they're stepping out on.

 

 

I asked the question because there has been a longtime debate on the subject of M equaling ownership. Most M say no, how offensive is that idea!, but then agree in the end that they do in fact own their spouse, or their spouse's fidelity, parts, assets, etc. But since you didn't mean that, sorry for the threadjack.

[donnamaybe]

I asked the question because there has been a longtime debate on the subject of M equaling ownership. Most M say no, how offensive is that idea!, but then agree in the end that they do in fact own their spouse, or their spouse's fidelity, parts, assets, etc. But since you didn't mean that, sorry for the threadjack.

That's not what I've seen. I've seen people discuss how they own the rights to the promises made by their partner. I don't know anyone who expects people to break promises and be fine with it. What kind of partnership is that?

 

"Honey, I promise I'll pay half the rent next month and half the bills. Oops. Nevermind. I decided I don't have to keep my promises."

[Under The Radar]

No problem White Flower, I didn't consider that a thread hijack

 

I appreciate everyone's perspective and learning from their experiences.

[Under The Radar]

donnamaybe,

 

I agree that when someone makes a promise to me I expect them to keep it. If I were married, that would certainly include my wife's wedding vows. Unfortunately, I have found when people break promises now a days the excuse is always "I meant it at the time".

[donnamaybe]

donnamaybe,

 

I agree that when someone makes a promise to me I expect them to keep it. If I were married, that would certainly include my wife's wedding vows. Unfortunately, I have found when people break promises now a days the excuse is always "I meant it at the time".

And there's nothing wrong with that. What IS wrong, however, is when they don't bother to let their partner know they've changed the terms of the agreement and sneak around like a snake.

 

That's why I made the statement I did about this concept of "ownership" in another thread. It's not ownership but a mere expectation of honesty. Apparently honesty is just too big a burden for a certain brand of people.

[Spark1111]

donnamaybe,

 

I agree that when someone makes a promise to me I expect them to keep it. If I were married, that would certainly include my wife's wedding vows. Unfortunately, I have found when people break promises now a days the excuse is always "I meant it at the time".

 

And if you no longer feel you can keep that vow, if you tell me, as much as it will hurt I still have to respect your honesty.

 

It is the appalling cowardice of sneaking, and lying to me (as in an affair) that causes the total betrayal and the residual lack of respect, IMO.

 

Own your actions, like an adult. Live your life out loud with conviction and authenticity.

 

Everything else, every excuse given to continue to deceive, is just smoke and mirrors IMO.

[Under The Radar]

To donnamaybe and Spark1111,

 

I agree with your comments. People should be honest in a committed relationship no matter how scary or hurtful it is to tell the truth.

[TurningTables]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

 

1. In the end, Yes I did. At first, because he was one of my best friends, I didnt feel any guilt at the beginning because there wasent any romantic feelings.

 

2. No way, No how.

 

3. Hmm.. I think every R is unique. Every R we go through in life teaches us something.Sometimes its about ourselves and sometimes its about them ( what needs to change to keep R's, etc) I also feel that its easier to look outside of a R when things are tough, than to face the truth because we as humans get comfy in the spot we are in and change=hard work.

[eleanor01]

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum: I'm not an "ex." I am a current OW, but maybe what is up with me right now might be helpful for somebody else anyway.

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

Oh, yeah. While I don't regret my decision, necessarily, I do feel guilty.

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

A year ago I would have said that I would never, ever become involved with a married person. Never, in my 50+ years, had I done so before. But, I fell deeply and madly in love with my MM, and here I am. So, to directly answer your question: I guess I really don't know.

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Well, having an affair with a married person really does not have anything to recommend it at all. But, sometimes we just can't predict what's in store for us. And frankly, I love my guy so much that unless he turns into a total jerk or something (which I don't see), I can't imagine not being with him when we can. You just never know.

 

Best,

Ellie

[Lostinlife4now]

So, I just finished reading the "Can Infidelity Ever Be Justified?" Thread. There are so many different opinions on this matter. I am an ex-OM who would never choose to become involved with a married woman again nor would I choose to cheat on any future partners.

 

So, I have some questions for the other exOM/exOW on the forum:

 

1. Did you feel any guilt from your involvement with a married person?

 

2. Would you ever become involved with a married person again?

 

3. Depending on your choice, why or why not?

 

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply.

 

 

1) YES I have alot of quilt...That's why I ended it...xMM didn't care AT ALL what he was doing to his W and kids...But I did.....

 

2) ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!! NO WAY, NO HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

3) It is too hurtful being involved with a MM personally on the OW end...don't I know what the hell he was doing on his end with the W......

I refuse to sit around and be someone's option instead of a priority......I felt very used in the end.....VERY VERY USED.................................:sick::sick:

[Under The Radar]

It appears that many of the exOM/exOW on the board would not choose to be involved in an affair again. It seems that most of the posters never thought they could end up in a situation like that. I guess for me, the most valuable lessons I've learned in life, were all experienced the hard way. I had to make mistakes, sometimes on a monumental level, to understand what is the healthy choice for me. You know what they say: "A smart person learns from their own mistakes and a wise person learns from the mistakes of others." Thanks again for everyone who shared their experiences and took the time to answer my questions ...