Engaged - No affection from him

[limelily]

Please read my other post regarding my fiance's idea to financing our wedding to get more info on how our engagement has been...

 

In regards to a lack of affection, I had an issue with this before from my fiance and have talked with him about this. Now that we're engaged, I refuse to get married if it is going to be this way. He seems to make an effort and then it just stops. This tendency of his also goes hand in hand with those sort of "mood swings" he gets into every now and then. I'd say it happens every couple of months and will last for at least a month. He was very affectionate in the beginning of our relationship (we have been together for almost 4 years). Yes, I understand that 99% of relationships are more like that in the beginning, but this is ridiculous.

 

In past relationships, I have known that my boyfriend at the time cares for me or loves me. Not just by what they say, but how they SHOW me. My fiance now, does not show me nearly as much affection as I show him. He tells me he loves me only when we're getting off the phone with each other or when he leaves for work. That's it. Our relationship lacks A LOT of passion, in and outside of the bedroom. The only time he shows me affection is when he's ''in the mood'', which is NOT often. The way he shows affection when he wants to get some just makes me feel like a piece of meat. Its not flattering or romantic at all.

 

He is also very miserable when he gets into these moods that last for at least a month. Everything is negative. We barely talk. He goes on craigslist right when he gets in the door from work and will stay on it for hours. He provided's little to no domestic support (because he's too busy on craigslist looking at what toy he should buy next). I am a very positive person, yet when people around me are stressed all of the time, I tend to take on their stress as well. I don't nag. It takes a lot for me to get fed up and get mad.

 

We haven't talked to 4 days. I am pissed. He was out of town for work all last week and got home Friday. He gave me a kiss when he got through the door, and that was it. This to me, is unacceptable from my future husband. I want attention and I shouldn't have to beg for it. I feel annoying when I do that! Not to mention, when my attempts/passes are just pushed aside, its very discouraging.

 

I feel at this point, if we do get married, I will end up straying from the marriage if we don't divorce first.

 

How should I approach this?

[CeeJ]

Based on this and your other thread, I don't understand why you agreed to marry him in the first place. You realize he's not going to change?

[limelily]

When he did propose, we were doing really, really well. Now that he's gotten into one of his "ruts" after the fact of getting engaged, I think its irritating me more and magnifying our other issues as well. When he's not in these moods, we're good. Minus the affection thing. But the negative and miserbale attitude certainly goes away.

 

We have been friends for 10 years as well, together for 4 years, and have a child as well. Its easier said than done to just leave. If there wasn't so much invested in this relationship, believe me, I would leave.

 

Like I said, to me our problems from before we were engaged are magnified. Should I tell him I don't want to be engaged until I FEEL loved? You are right though...had I known this would happen, I wouldn't have said yes.

[limelily]

LoveThisFace, how did you teach your husband to be more affectionate and open about his feelings? I need some pointers!

 

I don't want it to seem that we're staying together for our son. Being thrown back and forth between my parents growing up, I wish they had just divorced rather than "stay together for the kids".

 

We do have fun together when he's not being miserable and negative. We share the same interests such as camping and many other things, so those we do enjoy together and as a family. He's fantastic with our son. There is loveable aspects to him. Its just that when he's miserable its hard to see.

 

The affection thing is whats killing me. We need to spark things up again, and not just in the bedroom. I just don't know exactly how to because from past relationships, I've never had this issue!

 

Any pointers would help...

 

Thank you for your comment LoveThisFace.

[limelily]

I do show him affection but 95% of the time, its not given back. I am very affectionate to my son so its not like its an issue for me to show it. I also make it a point to thank him when it comes to helping in the house, cooking dinner, etc when he actually does...to show him that I appreciate it. I compliment him as well. For instance, if he points out an insecurity that he has, I reassure him that it doesn't bother me and that he's hot or just something to let him know that I am still attracted to him.

 

He's always been shy of holding hands in public and I have said to him that its not like people are going to be like "oh my gosh, look at that couple holding hands". Its not a big deal! When I talk to him about how I want him to show me affection, he treats it almost like I'm from another planet and the conversation does not last long.

 

He's a closed book at this point. I have no idea what to do because he is just SO emotionally unavailable. I am very upset with him at the moment and I don't want to give in. He knows exactly why I am upset (its not like as of late this is our first encounter with this issue) and I don't want to back down this time. I refuse to. My problem is I don't know how to approach him at this time. I don't want to talk to him unless he starts talking to me about what I am upset about. Do I give in? Do I tell it like it is? Or do I just forget about everything and move on? Sounds harsh...but I can't do this for the next 50+ years of my life...I told him that exact same thing this past weekend. That's the sentence that ended that conversation!

 

Please help! I really appreciate your feedback!

 

I have also posted about our engagement and how its been going. Thats a whole other issue. See my post titled "My fiances solution on fianancing our wedding".

 

 

 

 

I gave him a lot of affection and compliments. He wasn't used to that; his mother was very cold. He said that I am so loving that it rubbed off on him. Within 3 months of meeting, we were holding hands all the time, sharing copious kisses and sending sweet texts or emails all day long. We have been together for four years.

 

My husband was coaxed into talking more when I asked questions and complimented him on his eloquence. I was also brutally honest about how frustrating and dull the constant silence was. He was told that if he did not want to interact with anyone, he should not date.

 

What are the other issues you have posted about?

[limelily]

Sorry, I copy and pasted your response LoveThisFace to the bottom of the text field so I wouldn't have to keep referencing what you had written. Forgot to delete that!

[limelily]

His whole concept of financing our wedding is crazy. We set a budget that we could live within our means and save at the same time just fine. We are financially comfortable so I don't know why or where he come up with this "great" idea. The money he could have put towards a wedding went towards a dirt bike.

 

You're right. You are absoutely right. I am starting to believe that he's not in this the same way I am. The ring is what starts it all and he absolutely didn't give me a ring that he was proud of...so how can he expect me to be proud of it?

 

I think I am just in denial about getting married to him at this point...I definitely want to tell him to take the ring back, figure it all out, and then propose properly. Then, be excited for an upcoming wedding and not suck the life out of it.

 

Thank you for your advice and bluntness at the end there...I need to hear it for sure.

[Afishwithabike]

Limelily,

 

You two have incompatible ways of showing affection. You should take a look at the Marriage Forum's first six or seven pages of topic discussions. You'll see what it's like after one gets married to someone who is emotionally incompatible. You need to decide if you can live for the rest of your married life with a spouse who is emotionally closed off. That's probably the way he will be 10 years from now. Those habits are deeply ingrained in us and it takes a conscious effort and willingness to change. It's rare that people change drastically for the better once married.

 

A friend of mine has a joke which is applicable to this situation. It's a joke with some truth to it. Men marry women thinking they won't change. Women marry men thinking they will change.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Forever Learning]

Now that we're engaged, I refuse to get married if it is going to be this way.

 

He seems to make an effort and then it just stops.

 

This tendency of his also goes hand in hand with those sort of "mood swings" he gets into every now and then.

 

I'd say it happens every couple of months and will last for at least a month.

 

How should I approach this?

 

Try couples and individual therapy and put a time limit on it for real change and improvement, say 3 months (don't let it go on for years for God's sakes without improvement and benefit to the relationship).

 

If you feel the therapist is doing reasonably well and clicking with you both, and you still don't see the improvements within the relationship you are looking for, you need to end this and move on.

 

Don't marry this man if you are not happy in the relationship, life is too short and marriage won't solve any of your incompatibilities. Good luck.

[TheFinalWord]

Please read my other post regarding my fiance's idea to financing our wedding to get more info on how our engagement has been...

 

In regards to a lack of affection, I had an issue with this before from my fiance and have talked with him about this. Now that we're engaged, I refuse to get married if it is going to be this way. He seems to make an effort and then it just stops. This tendency of his also goes hand in hand with those sort of "mood swings" he gets into every now and then. I'd say it happens every couple of months and will last for at least a month. He was very affectionate in the beginning of our relationship (we have been together for almost 4 years). Yes, I understand that 99% of relationships are more like that in the beginning, but this is ridiculous.

 

In past relationships, I have known that my boyfriend at the time cares for me or loves me. Not just by what they say, but how they SHOW me. My fiance now, does not show me nearly as much affection as I show him. He tells me he loves me only when we're getting off the phone with each other or when he leaves for work. That's it. Our relationship lacks A LOT of passion, in and outside of the bedroom. The only time he shows me affection is when he's ''in the mood'', which is NOT often. The way he shows affection when he wants to get some just makes me feel like a piece of meat. Its not flattering or romantic at all.

 

He is also very miserable when he gets into these moods that last for at least a month. Everything is negative. We barely talk. He goes on craigslist right when he gets in the door from work and will stay on it for hours. He provided's little to no domestic support (because he's too busy on craigslist looking at what toy he should buy next). I am a very positive person, yet when people around me are stressed all of the time, I tend to take on their stress as well. I don't nag. It takes a lot for me to get fed up and get mad.

 

We haven't talked to 4 days. I am pissed. He was out of town for work all last week and got home Friday. He gave me a kiss when he got through the door, and that was it. This to me, is unacceptable from my future husband. I want attention and I shouldn't have to beg for it. I feel annoying when I do that! Not to mention, when my attempts/passes are just pushed aside, its very discouraging.

 

I feel at this point, if we do get married, I will end up straying from the marriage if we don't divorce first.

 

How should I approach this?

 

As a man I can tell you his behavior is off. You're right to question it and not like it. A wife is the greatest gift a man can receive; a life partner that will stick by her husband and believe in him even when the whole world turns their back on him. A wife is not something that compares to a dirt bike.

 

Now maybe he is not traditional and that is okay, but there are some components of the engagement ritual that he should be excited about. There is a strong meaning attached to getting down on one knee, being excited to buy the rings, etc. that he should want to do. If he is this unromantic about the proposal I can't imagine once you are married for a few years.

 

Seeing you have a commitment you should tell him about this and really tell him how important it is. If he values you he would want to make it work. To be honest it doesn't sound like you're asking for much and you seem very reasonable and flexible. He has to know women need a bit of romance. If he values you as a wife he will want to provide that for you. Maybe he doesn't know what he has???

[limelily]

Thanks everyone for your opinions and feedback. I need it so much and appreciate it!

 

TheFinalWord: I don't think he knows what he has. I do feel taken for granted. He knows I'm upset, it was evident last night that he knows exactly what I am upset about. He just does this whole "I'll just sit back and hope she gets over it as per usual" which he did last night. I stuck up for myself and didn't budge. I don't think he recognizes the seriousness of this in regards to long term commitment.

 

He texted me this morning saying that we should go on a date tomorrow night. I told him "Perfect! Good chance for us to be alone and talk about what we need to talk about". So he is getting our son a sitter and making all of the plans. I do really appreciate this effort of his...don't get me wrong. We don't normally go on dates so I don't want him to be sucking up to me and that's the only reason. If this is a start to him changing, perfect, but we still need to talk.

 

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow night...

 

Thanks again everyone!!!

[limelily]

PS:

 

Forever Learning: If tomorrows nights date goes well and we have an understanding and some serious effort for 3 months, great. If not, therapy it is. I won't go down without a fight.

[limelily]

Okay, so here's how Friday night's date went:

 

We went to a fantastic restaurant right on the beach and had a table on the patio. It was the perfect romantic setting. We both are wanting to go back and it was just fantastic.

 

After getting some food and just enjoying the evening, I told him that we needed to talk (He knew previously that I wanted to focus on figuring out our issues that night so I didn't trap him into talking). We explained to him that us showing our feelings for one another now will be only beneficial to each other now as well as in the future. After expressing to him how I feel that it could lead to other problems if we don't SHOW each other love, it could ruin us down the road. We both agreed that we do not want to go into marriage with any sort of doubt that it could work and a possibility of divorce.

 

We both got choked up and teary eyed and the fact that I could literally see it in his eyes made me assured that we'll be okay as long as we talk about these types of things. He feels the same way. This is SUCH a huge relief for the both of us.

 

Now, my other post has sort of blended into this one so I am just going to talk about our entire ordeal on this thread (for those that care to read/help). We can still agree on the same budget that we had set before. He agrees with me about the ring and he said once the wedding is said and done he will upgrade it (fine by me! but I'm not going to bring this up again - if he truely wants a better ring for me, he'll do it). He was just looking at the pictures of the decor and what not on my Pinterest page and was thinking that this will cost a lot of money. My fiance has no sense of decor or anything like that so he really has no concept of how much it costs. I assured him that I will make our wedding look like its expensive, but it will be cheap. As I mentioned I think in my other post, I have taken wedding planning and know that research is KEY. I won't be jumping on the first thing I like without finding a cheaper price or seeing if its an easy DIY.

 

Over the weekend, we had a family BBQ. He was so attentive (seeing if I would like another drink, more to eat, if I'm tired, if I'm ready to go or want to stay). He doesn't normally do this - and it didn't seem forced whatsoever. Every move he made to show me affection this weekend was how it should be, and I soaked it all in and of course, gave it back.

 

So I think (for now) we are okay. We have had these talks before, but I let him know that they are magnified now because we are engaged - its do or die! I think this really made him open up his eyes. Thats not to say I am going to do whatever I can from my side to make sure it stays this way. Hopefully he can keep it up to...if not, then therapy it is. If that still doesn't work...I'll have to call all of this off.

 

I really appreciate all of the advice and insight that you all gave. Its one thing to put your relationship hardships out there for everyone to read, but the response and the advice I've gotten was well worth it.

 

If anyone has anything to add, please feel free. I will certainly be back on this site if I need more help (hopefully not!)

 

Thanks again and I hope everyone gets the answers they're looking for in love...