I want him to hurt

[chalkfarm]

Despite being NC for over 1 year, I still have really sad days like today. I want so badly for him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain I've felt. I want him to cry and rage and despair. I want his life to become empty and void.

 

The only times I have ever wanted his wife to know are times like this. I want her to know so that he can see the reality and face the consequences in technicolor and stereo sound.

 

I can hear everyone's responses now. From the callous who want me to shut up - "One year? Get over it." From the BS or the overly saintly - "Don't you feel guilty wanting to hurt the innocent wife?" From the way too literal crowd - "Your life isn't empty and void...." And then there are those really special people who will go back and read my earlier posts only to quote my words right back at me. I get it! I hear it! But today - today, right now, this very minute - I feel really freakin' unhappy.... and I want him to suffer too. I want his heart squeezed so tightly with pain that he thinks death is the only way free.

 

And yes! Yes! His pain would make me feel better!

[whichwayisup]

You're having a bad day, which you're allowed to have. Just don't react on emotions and do something that you'll regret.

 

Have your fantasties of ruining his life, making him suffer, feel like sh.it etc., but keep as just that!

 

Vent it out until you feel better. Punch your pillow and pretend it's his face (or his c*ck! LOL)!!

 

Soon, this will pass and you'll have better days..Not caring what he does, feels or thinks.

 

As the old saying goes, the best revenge is to live well and be happy. He doesn't deserve to be a thought in your head!

[jwi71]

Despite being NC for over 1 year, I still have really sad days like today. I want so badly for him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain I've felt. I want him to cry and rage and despair. I want his life to become empty and void.

 

The only times I have ever wanted his wife to know are times like this. I want her to know so that he can see the reality and face the consequences in technicolor and stereo sound.

 

I can hear everyone's responses now. From the callous who want me to shut up - "One year? Get over it." From the BS or the overly saintly - "Don't you feel guilty wanting to hurt the innocent wife?" From the way too literal crowd - "Your life isn't empty and void...." And then there are those really special people who will go back and read my earlier posts only to quote my words right back at me. I get it! I hear it! But today - today, right now, this very minute - I feel really freakin' unhappy.... and I want him to suffer too. I want his heart squeezed so tightly with pain that he thinks death is the only way free.

 

And yes! Yes! His pain would make me feel better!

 

So what's stopping you?

 

It's a real question...why not?

[Owl]

Sounds to me like you're wanting EVERYONE to hurt as much as you are right now.

 

I get that you're hurting...it's pretty clear. And I sympathized with you right up until you started lashing out at other posters on this site who might have stepped in to offer some solace.

 

Stop focusing on the hurt...try to redirect your focus onto the improvements in your life.

[no expectations]

Despite being NC for over 1 year, I still have really sad days like today. I want so badly for him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain I've felt. I want him to cry and rage and despair. I want his life to become empty and void.

 

The only times I have ever wanted his wife to know are times like this. I want her to know so that he can see the reality and face the consequences in technicolor and stereo sound.

 

And yes! Yes! His pain would make me feel better!

 

I LOVE your honesty. I get it. Days/times like these are awful. I can relate to every word you've said. There will be better days...I promise.

[chalkfarm]

So what's stopping you?

 

It's a real question...why not?

I assume you mean why not tell wifey? Because I'm not that person.

[chalkfarm]

Sounds to me like you're wanting EVERYONE to hurt as much as you are right now.

 

I get that you're hurting...it's pretty clear. And I sympathized with you right up until you started lashing out at other posters on this site who might have stepped in to offer some solace.

 

Stop focusing on the hurt...try to redirect your focus onto the improvements in your life.

An example of the unhelpful. One who is willing to sympathize but with strings attached.

[stillafool]

Despite being NC for over 1 year, I still have really sad days like today. I want so badly for him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain I've felt. I want him to cry and rage and despair. I want his life to become empty and void.

 

The only times I have ever wanted his wife to know are times like this. I want her to know so that he can see the reality and face the consequences in technicolor and stereo sound.

 

I can hear everyone's responses now. From the callous who want me to shut up - "One year? Get over it." From the BS or the overly saintly - "Don't you feel guilty wanting to hurt the innocent wife?" From the way too literal crowd - "Your life isn't empty and void...." And then there are those really special people who will go back and read my earlier posts only to quote my words right back at me. I get it! I hear it! But today - today, right now, this very minute - I feel really freakin' unhappy.... and I want him to suffer too. I want his heart squeezed so tightly with pain that he thinks death is the only way free.

 

And yes! Yes! His pain would make me feel better!

 

 

As long as you feel this bitterness in your heart you will never heal and be happy. You really do have to forgive yourself and all parties involved in order to really heal and go on to be happy with someone else. What does it benefit you to be bitter about MM and his marriage as he is going on with his life. Move on with yours now.

[MissBee]

I can empathize with you, although, admittedly, after a year of NC I didn't have very intense anger but would occasionally feel upset.

 

Getting to a point of indifference took a lot of self introspection, as well as the natural passing of time.

 

I think it's fine to be angry and vent, I would CONSTANTLY conduct lengthy conversations out loud saying the things I wanted to say to him, crying, yelling, arguing my case, etc. I knew calling him up wasn't an option, envisioning his life careening off the edge of a steep cliff was nice sometimes but I realized that there was no way for me to control that either, I couldn't make him talk to me, I couldn't undo what happened etc so I did what I could do....and that was hash out my thoughts and feelings out loud, in journals, on LS, to my bestfriend etc.

 

 

I don't know if you actually know about his life or not, but I know how crazy you can get when envisioning this person's life as spectacular, or that they don't hurt and the whole thing seems unfair but I have come to realize that comparing lives is just about the worst...especially when you do not know for a fact. Looks can deceive. Post break up my ex would showcase his "fabulous" life on Facebook and his new gfs, his trips etc and I would torture myself and get soooo angry that he was "allowed" to be happy. The reality, which I found out later, was that it was all for show! I also realized that I was hurting but had he been looking at my life, he would have NO REASON to think that was the case, as I seemed quite fine. Moral of the story: you never really know what's going on in the inner recesses of someone's heart/mind/feelings, even if you can see the superficial layers of their life and I do believe in universal balance and justice. Maybe his life is great now, but as my grandmother always says: "Today for me, tomorrow for you". Which is pretty much saying EVERY person is going to go through something and not because your life is happy now (or sad) means tomorrow, next week, next year it will stay the same.

 

Your best revenge, cliched as is, is to not give him and his life the time of day and fake it til you make it Everytime I would get angry at the ex, I would feel indignant, I would imagine that my anger was his strength so would immediately wish him well in my mind and go do something else to take my mind off of it as I refused to "feed his ego". That way of thinking gave me strength, ofcourse sometimes I just wanted to ruin his life, but for the most part I started to feel good about leaving his life be and imagining justice being served in it's own time, and today, I am completely indifferent. I am truly happy now and because I am happy I can also wish him happiness and no longer feel hurt by the thought of his life being good without me. If his life is good, great, if it's bad, sorry....but either way, it doesn't matter to me. I wish that for you.

Edited August 10, 2011 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

An example of the unhelpful. One who is willing to sympathize but with strings attached.

 

But don't ignore the rest of his reply, it is helpful.

[chalkfarm]

I can empathize with you, although, admittedly, after a year of NC I didn't have very intense anger but would occasionally feel upset.

After a year, I actually rarely feel intensely angry. I don't think I'm particularly angry today. I just feel overwhelmingly sad. And the sadness is a direct result of the relationship with XMM. The death of that relationship is a huge loss for me...... not only the loss of the XMM but of the person that I was as well. She is gone forever.

[woinlove]

I assume you mean why not tell wifey? Because I'm not that person.

 

What person? The "overly saintly" who worry about hurting the wife? Or some other kind? I'm curious because you already dismissed the reasons why one might not follow through on what you said would make you feel better.

 

In any case, sorry to hear that you are hurting.

[jwi71]

I assume you mean why not tell wifey? Because I'm not that person.

 

You are not doing a very good job of not being that person.

 

All you have done is lash out at us instead of him - you are still lashing out and still being that person.

 

Don't let the anger win.

 

All I can suggest is this:

 

Drop it. Like a heavy bag - just stop being angry. Its a conscious choice and one only YOU can make. And you can make it whenever you wish.

 

I can conceptualize the hurt and anger and feeling like a total idiot and fool at times. Hell, been there myself. I feel confidant in saying EVERYONE does at one point or another.

 

But let it go. The happiness and success of others does NOT influence or change YOUR life. There is no correlation. Except when we allow it to exist. When we tie OUR happiness and well-being to others we remain vulnerable to them - dependent upon them. Why give that kind of power and control of YOUR life to someone who cares so little about your well-being?

 

So stop. Stop caring that he is doing great (he isn't) and start living and caring about your own life. Sever that tie.

 

Go re-read your first post in this thread. Does that sound like someone you wish to be?

 

Watch your thoughts for they become words.

Watch your words for they become actions.

Watch your actions for they become habits.

Watch your habits for they become your character.

Watch your character for they become your destiny.

 

Your life, your choice.

[MissBee]

After a year, I actually rarely feel intensely angry. I don't think I'm particularly angry today. I just feel overwhelmingly sad. And the sadness is a direct result of the relationship with XMM. The death of that relationship is a huge loss for me...... not only the loss of the XMM but of the person that I was as well. She is gone forever.

 

And this is his fault you feel? I ask, because I truly do not believe one man, even if he was Jesus Christ incarnate, should have that much power.

 

Do you feel the lost of who you were is for the worst? As in, while together and before the end of the relationship you were better off than you are now?

 

Do you see no way to recover from this and eventually recover yourself and build a new, fulfilling life and a new you?

 

I am interested to hear and am truly concerned for you....I truly felt a sadness upon your bolded comments but need to hear from you what it is you mean.

[chalkfarm]

What person? The "overly saintly" who worry about hurting the wife? Or some other kind? I'm curious because you already dismissed the reasons why one might not follow through on what you said would make you feel better.

 

In any case, sorry to hear that you are hurting.

I'm not willing to hurt XMM's wife in order to in turn hurt him. I know that it wouldn't really make me feel better.

 

I suppose the person that I am not is the vindictive one. I may have all nature of retribution fantasies but none that I would act upon.

[woinlove]

I'm not willing to hurt XMM's wife in order to in turn hurt him. I know that it wouldn't really make me feel better.

 

I suppose the person that I am not is the vindictive one. I may have all nature of retribution fantasies but none that I would act upon.

 

I'm not sure telling the truth is hurtful, as many (most?) say they wanted the truth, but I think it's good not to be vindictive and that likely keeps you happier overall, even though you aren't too happy right now. Maybe you have a bit of that so-called "overly saintly" in you too.

[chalkfarm]

I'm not sure telling the truth is hurtful, as many (most?) say they wanted the truth, but I think it's good not to be vindictive and that likely keeps you happier overall, even though you aren't too happy right now. Maybe you have a bit of that so-called "overly saintly" in you too.

"Overly saintly"? Moi? No, just a healthy dose of conscience.

[fooled once]

Despite being NC for over 1 year, I still have really sad days like today. I want so badly for him to hurt. I want him to feel the pain I've felt. I want him to cry and rage and despair. I want his life to become empty and void.

 

The only times I have ever wanted his wife to know are times like this. I want her to know so that he can see the reality and face the consequences in technicolor and stereo sound.

 

I can hear everyone's responses now. From the callous who want me to shut up - "One year? Get over it." From the BS or the overly saintly - "Don't you feel guilty wanting to hurt the innocent wife?" From the way too literal crowd - "Your life isn't empty and void...." And then there are those really special people who will go back and read my earlier posts only to quote my words right back at me. I get it! I hear it! But today - today, right now, this very minute - I feel really freakin' unhappy.... and I want him to suffer too. I want his heart squeezed so tightly with pain that he thinks death is the only way free.

 

And yes! Yes! His pain would make me feel better!

 

Like Owl said, I was with you until you started throwing stones at all of us here. Why do you strike out at us? If we don't offer any advice/support/suggestions, why post here? Why tear us down? Does it make you feel better?

 

 

Sounds to me like you're wanting EVERYONE to hurt as much as you are right now.

 

I get that you're hurting...it's pretty clear. And I sympathized with you right up until you started lashing out at other posters on this site who might have stepped in to offer some solace.

 

Stop focusing on the hurt...try to redirect your focus onto the improvements in your life.

 

Exactly

 

You are not doing a very good job of not being that person.

 

All you have done is lash out at us instead of him - you are still lashing out and still being that person.

 

Don't let the anger win.

 

All I can suggest is this:

 

Drop it. Like a heavy bag - just stop being angry. Its a conscious choice and one only YOU can make. And you can make it whenever you wish.

 

I can conceptualize the hurt and anger and feeling like a total idiot and fool at times. Hell, been there myself. I feel confidant in saying EVERYONE does at one point or another.

 

But let it go. The happiness and success of others does NOT influence or change YOUR life. There is no correlation. Except when we allow it to exist. When we tie OUR happiness and well-being to others we remain vulnerable to them - dependent upon them. Why give that kind of power and control of YOUR life to someone who cares so little about your well-being?

 

So stop. Stop caring that he is doing great (he isn't) and start living and caring about your own life. Sever that tie.

 

Go re-read your first post in this thread. Does that sound like someone you wish to be?

 

Watch your thoughts for they become words.

Watch your words for they become actions.

Watch your actions for they become habits.

Watch your habits for they become your character.

Watch your character for they become your destiny.

 

Your life, your choice.

 

Excellent post jwl!

[Severely Unamused]

I'm not sure telling the truth is hurtful, as many (most?) say they wanted the truth, but I think it's good not to be vindictive and that likely keeps you happier overall, even though you aren't too happy right now. Maybe you have a bit of that so-called "overly saintly" in you too.

 

On this board, I have noticed a greater emphasis on the more altruistic reasons for not telling, and a downplaying of the more egoistic motives. It's a very common coping mechanism to deal with one's conscience.

 

In any case Chalkfarm, I won't lecture you, since you are evidentally not in the mood.

 

It is clear that you are using LS to vent. I recommend that you let it all out on here, until you are feeling better.

[TurboGirl]

I'm not willing to hurt XMM's wife in order to in turn hurt him. I know that it wouldn't really make me feel better.

 

I suppose the person that I am not is the vindictive one. I may have all nature of retribution fantasies but none that I would act upon.

 

Hi Chalk,

 

I feel for you and understand. Almost 6 months for me... and I can't believe it some days. Anger is good, it helps you get to the healing place. Only natural, I think, that anger flares up. I have it too some days.

 

Have also considered letting the Wife know... and also letting the wife know that her H is on the single dating websites... trolling and looking for more women (I admit, I have checked up on him to see if he was there and sure enough there he is proclaiming single-dom with a photo and all! and I'm certain that it is him).

 

However, letting the W know would only cause minor annoyance to your xMM. If he is a smooth talker, like mine was, he will probably charm his way out of it, or buy his way out of it with some expensive gifts for her. He will proclaim that you are some crazy B**** who stalked him, or some other bizarre scenario. Not worth it.

 

Chalk, what are you doing for yourself? Are you treating yourself kindly... doing some nice and fun things that you enjoy? I paint and find that it helps take my mind off of things on a bad - - you know the kind of day when your stomach still hurts when you think about it. Better yet, have you considered dating again? (not sure if you are single) or getting out with some friends as often as you can? Doing any little tiny thing that brings you joy is important - whatever it is! (((Hugs)))

[Disillusioned_Wife]

I'm a BS but here's a mantra that I always repeat to myself (I'm not without compassion here, even for the OW\OM).

 

Nobody can hurt me without my permission - Gandhi.

[Lostinlife4now]

Chalkfarm!!!

 

I still to this day want the wifey to find out...THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!!

Why should he get away with 777777777777777777777777 years....yes I said 7 years of cheating on his wife and then he goes along his merry way like nothing has ever happened and he is the star in the wifey's eyes...Puleessssseeee....

Makes me want to vomit....Now I just have hatred for him...He is a coward...oh and narcissistic also......

 

So you are hurting? Hurt here....don't let the toad (xmm) know any different...MM are nothing but wasted sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek::eek:

[HalfAlive22]

I assume you mean why not tell wifey? Because I'm not that person.

 

Freakin tell her! Im a bs and me kniwing was the best thing that happend ,even tho it sucked at first!

[HalfAlive22]

Chalkfarm!!!

 

I still to this day want the wifey to find out...THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!!

Why should he get away with 777777777777777777777777 years....yes I said 7 years of cheating on his wife and then he goes along his merry way like nothing has ever happened and he is the star in the wifey's eyes...Puleessssseeee....

Makes me want to vomit....Now I just have hatred for him...He is a coward...oh and narcissistic also......

 

So you are hurting? Hurt here....don't let the toad (xmm) know any different...MM are nothing but wasted sperm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek::eek:

Lol sounds like your talking about me almost...before I knew,can I just say tho why "wifey" I hate that word no offense

[loozerinluv]

After a year, I actually rarely feel intensely angry. I don't think I'm particularly angry today. I just feel overwhelmingly sad. And the sadness is a direct result of the relationship with XMM. The death of that relationship is a huge loss for me...... not only the loss of the XMM but of the person that I was as well. She is gone forever.

I could have written these same words myself. So, I certainly understand how you feel. I rarely post here, I mostly just read, but this thread reminds me so much of myself that I thought I would comment.

 

My story is a bit different in how it ended up, but if you search for my previous threads, you will see that I also wanted to see the the XMW hurt the same way that she hurt me. You will also see that I finally couldn't resist the temptation. I didn't tell her BH, but did give her new man some info.

 

In the end, despite having basically attempted to use me and blackmail me (things that I showed the new guy proof of), she managed to tell him a bunch of lies that blamed everything on me and managed to portray herself as my poor victim -- and he bought it all.

 

So, the point is, I suspect that these emotional attempts at revenge rarely work out like you think they will. In my case, it didn't.