So...we're still together...

[FarmGirl]

Last year I posted an SOS for help on Loveshack & got great advice & support. See link below.

 

I did not leave, but instead chose to stay & attempt to work it out.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t226072/

 

(((I'm sorry this is going to ramble. I'm stressed and have a migraine but I need to vent so badly.)))

 

I put my foot down in Nov 2010 & demanded immediate change. He complied sort of.

 

He was definitely trying harder for awhile & I seemed to feel happy on the outside. But inside I was still cold & numb towards him, but struggling to be open and loving (if I could after all we've been through).

 

Not much has changed since my initial post in May 2010 here on Loveshack. His bad & bizarre behavior has slowed down somewhat but I also don't allow myself to be in situations with him where he has opportunity to do his old tricks.

 

A few things however have happened & I need some feedback.

 

I've always had this unreliable car (which has 72K miles on it, I pay insurance & most repairs on it...)... My SO has a car that broke down in Feb this year and he says he cannot afford to repair it (he makes 6 figures so this is b/s however proving that to him & making him admit it is impossible).

So he started driving my car, leaving me stranded at home ALL THE TIME. I still have no job, the economy here is in the tank so finding one that will cover daycare (remember he won't help with daycare) & my time is impossible.

Then in March he was on business in another state where his mom lived & she wasn't feeling well. She was in her late 80s & living alone. I loved her a lot. I encouraged him to bring her home & we would care for her. A week later she arrived & promptly became sicker & sicker. I was her primary caregiver (keep in mind SO & I aren't even married). I took her to doc appts with 3yo in tow...(this was after I would drive him to work then home again, then get everyone ready then drive to doc - yes it was exhausting).

SO took her a few times in the beginning then it all fell on me...

Meanwhile, she's sicker every day & finally hospitalized for 10 days. At the end of 10 days we bring her home with a stage 4 terminal lymphoma diagnosis. SO's bro & wife arrive & stay 10 days & help with everything. Meanwhile SO's bro is treating me & 3yo like crap. We had a huge falling out & I laid the law down with SO's bro who mostly behaved after that.

During all this time, I had begged them to bring in hospice, encouraged SO to get her final affairs in order etc. Nada.

The family leaves & goes home & I am alone again caring for her, a huge house/yard/garden, an active 3yo etc etc. I put my foot down & demanded hospice. SO finally allows them (still not acknowledging she is dying) when I threaten to leave him if he doesn't get me some help.

(on his behalf SO did help when he was home, which wasn't often...)

Meanwhile NOTHING is being done about her estate, power of attorney, will etc. I finally force the issue & get it done 5 days before she died. SO set it up so it goes to the grandkids & we didn't get a dime.

(ie he can't fix his car, repair our house which is falling down around our ears etc...I resent this because it leaves us in a hard situation which just a tiny portion of her estate would have changed <~altho he prob doesnt want situation to change as I am so dependent on him still)

During the end of her illness hospice encouraged us to give her morphine for pain but SO wouldn't because he said it would make her loopy. I snuck her some on nurse's orders occasionally but due to my honest nature would 'fess up later.

This led to him accusing me of trying to KILL HER with morphine. I kid you not. I told him to have an autopsy when she died so they could send me to jail if they thought she was murdered...(I'm shaking my head as I write this because it's so unbelievable, but I swear it's true)...

Anyways, she dies. It was so sad & I miss her a lot but so many things came to light with this situation...

a) the car (still)

b) leaving me stuck at home 24/7 to care for her w NO RESPITE from her or the 3yo

c) refusing to allow hospice

d) most of the burden was on me (he got to go hide at work 12 hrs/day)

e) leaving her finances hanging

f) he said "gee my dad worked so hard to make sure she was well taken care of (estate)" I said "gee I wish I knew you would take care of me like he did for her" (I meant that too, I have no thought that I will have any security

g) him accusing me of trying to kill someone I adored

 

 

So that's the sad part of the story...but wait there's more...

 

SO snores & I am a light sleeper & if I go to the now 4yo's bed to sleep SO follows me and hovers over me and moans and groans that I am in another room. I swear...he will not allow me to get out of bed w/o him yet he spends all night on his computer (porn) all the time...I know he's a control freak, but this is nuts. I am literally run ragged from lack of proper sleep & he won't allow me to get it... ???????

 

SO paid for brakes on my car when they were at 1% in April when he was driving my car all the time & we had to take his mom to the doc 3x a week. I had no money to do so & now he uses the fact that he paid for these repairs as a weapon against me when I complain that he drives MY car that I bought & paid for myself (like those brakes give him ownership).

 

We haven't had sex except for a few times since last year and honestly the times we did were extremely disappointing. He got viagra but it doesn't help (I dont think porn induced ED can be helped by viagra actually). I've avoided it doing it with him if at all possible...but yikes I still want to, just not with him.

 

He finally got dental & health insurance for the 4yo & could have it for me but he says he can't afford it (he makes 6 figures...)...so I go without.

 

SO has been pestering me to get married all the time lately which is odd for him...

 

Then I find out that the state tax guys contacted him recently saying he owes nearly 30K in taxes (he also has huge tax unpaid tax bills from the late 90s in another state & 100K+ back child support)...(so much of this I didn't know until after we had this child together )

 

Now I know why he needs to be married so badly ($$).

 

He is in a deep hole with the tax guys & he asked me to lie on 2009 & 2010 taxes & say we were married then. I said no way & he got very upset with me. I know he will punish me even worse financially because I wouldn't be dishonest for him (like not fix his car forever etc...).

 

So now I'm just sitting here in a fog trying to understand what to do next.

 

I have a pending mortgage modification which would make the house payment affordable even on my unemployment (or a low paying job later).

I want to keep this house & am very happy here.

I'm using all the money I can scrounge up to pay to repair the dry rot, hole in the roof, etc before winter. SO has contributed nothing & now uses tax excuse to disconnect even further from helping out around here.

 

I calculated that he is only paying 1/3 of his take home pay on our house expenses yet he never has enough $ to do anything that is needed (ie house repairs or car repairs...). I know it's a power thing, but it sucks.

 

In closing, I know I need to end it with him, but I am determined to keep the house and a stable home environment for the 4yo...

 

4yo still seems pretty unaware of our basic dysfunction because we are very *nice* to each other. I'm doing everything I can to keep things running smoothly around here but I HAVE to continue this for a few more months until the mortgage mod comes through.

BUT I'm losing my ability to put on a cheery face every second...

I want to sleep in another room...but I'm trapped.

Ugh.

I know I am whining and everyone here will point to my front door and tell me to walk out. But I'm keeping this house come hell or high water. The only other option is complete failure (moving back in with family) & my pride will not let me do it.

 

Thanks for listening.

<3

[Holding-On]

Last year I posted an SOS for help on Loveshack & got great advice & support. See link below.

 

I did not leave, but instead chose to stay & attempt to work it out.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t226072/

 

(((I'm sorry this is going to ramble. I'm stressed and have a migraine but I need to vent so badly.)))

 

I put my foot down in Nov 2010 & demanded immediate change. He complied sort of.

 

He was definitely trying harder for awhile & I seemed to feel happy on the outside. But inside I was still cold & numb towards him, but struggling to be open and loving (if I could after all we've been through).

 

Not much has changed since my initial post in May 2010 here on Loveshack. His bad & bizarre behavior has slowed down somewhat but I also don't allow myself to be in situations with him where he has opportunity to do his old tricks.

 

A few things however have happened & I need some feedback.

 

I've always had this unreliable car (which has 72K miles on it, I pay insurance & most repairs on it...)... My SO has a car that broke down in Feb this year and he says he cannot afford to repair it (he makes 6 figures so this is b/s however proving that to him & making him admit it is impossible).

So he started driving my car, leaving me stranded at home ALL THE TIME. I still have no job, the economy here is in the tank so finding one that will cover daycare (remember he won't help with daycare) & my time is impossible.

Then in March he was on business in another state where his mom lived & she wasn't feeling well. She was in her late 80s & living alone. I loved her a lot. I encouraged him to bring her home & we would care for her. A week later she arrived & promptly became sicker & sicker. I was her primary caregiver (keep in mind SO & I aren't even married). I took her to doc appts with 3yo in tow...(this was after I would drive him to work then home again, then get everyone ready then drive to doc - yes it was exhausting).

SO took her a few times in the beginning then it all fell on me...

Meanwhile, she's sicker every day & finally hospitalized for 10 days. At the end of 10 days we bring her home with a stage 4 terminal lymphoma diagnosis. SO's bro & wife arrive & stay 10 days & help with everything. Meanwhile SO's bro is treating me & 3yo like crap. We had a huge falling out & I laid the law down with SO's bro who mostly behaved after that.

During all this time, I had begged them to bring in hospice, encouraged SO to get her final affairs in order etc. Nada.

The family leaves & goes home & I am alone again caring for her, a huge house/yard/garden, an active 3yo etc etc. I put my foot down & demanded hospice. SO finally allows them (still not acknowledging she is dying) when I threaten to leave him if he doesn't get me some help.

(on his behalf SO did help when he was home, which wasn't often...)

Meanwhile NOTHING is being done about her estate, power of attorney, will etc. I finally force the issue & get it done 5 days before she died. SO set it up so it goes to the grandkids & we didn't get a dime.

(ie he can't fix his car, repair our house which is falling down around our ears etc...I resent this because it leaves us in a hard situation which just a tiny portion of her estate would have changed <~altho he prob doesnt want situation to change as I am so dependent on him still)

During the end of her illness hospice encouraged us to give her morphine for pain but SO wouldn't because he said it would make her loopy. I snuck her some on nurse's orders occasionally but due to my honest nature would 'fess up later.

This led to him accusing me of trying to KILL HER with morphine. I kid you not. I told him to have an autopsy when she died so they could send me to jail if they thought she was murdered...(I'm shaking my head as I write this because it's so unbelievable, but I swear it's true)...

Anyways, she dies. It was so sad & I miss her a lot but so many things came to light with this situation...

a) the car (still)

b) leaving me stuck at home 24/7 to care for her w NO RESPITE from her or the 3yo

c) refusing to allow hospice

d) most of the burden was on me (he got to go hide at work 12 hrs/day)

e) leaving her finances hanging

f) he said "gee my dad worked so hard to make sure she was well taken care of (estate)" I said "gee I wish I knew you would take care of me like he did for her" (I meant that too, I have no thought that I will have any security

g) him accusing me of trying to kill someone I adored

 

 

So that's the sad part of the story...but wait there's more...

 

SO snores & I am a light sleeper & if I go to the now 4yo's bed to sleep SO follows me and hovers over me and moans and groans that I am in another room. I swear...he will not allow me to get out of bed w/o him yet he spends all night on his computer (porn) all the time...I know he's a control freak, but this is nuts. I am literally run ragged from lack of proper sleep & he won't allow me to get it... ???????

 

SO paid for brakes on my car when they were at 1% in April when he was driving my car all the time & we had to take his mom to the doc 3x a week. I had no money to do so & now he uses the fact that he paid for these repairs as a weapon against me when I complain that he drives MY car that I bought & paid for myself (like those brakes give him ownership).

 

We haven't had sex except for a few times since last year and honestly the times we did were extremely disappointing. He got viagra but it doesn't help (I dont think porn induced ED can be helped by viagra actually). I've avoided it doing it with him if at all possible...but yikes I still want to, just not with him.

 

He finally got dental & health insurance for the 4yo & could have it for me but he says he can't afford it (he makes 6 figures...)...so I go without.

 

SO has been pestering me to get married all the time lately which is odd for him...

 

Then I find out that the state tax guys contacted him recently saying he owes nearly 30K in taxes (he also has huge tax unpaid tax bills from the late 90s in another state & 100K+ back child support)...(so much of this I didn't know until after we had this child together )

 

Now I know why he needs to be married so badly ($$).

 

He is in a deep hole with the tax guys & he asked me to lie on 2009 & 2010 taxes & say we were married then. I said no way & he got very upset with me. I know he will punish me even worse financially because I wouldn't be dishonest for him (like not fix his car forever etc...).

 

So now I'm just sitting here in a fog trying to understand what to do next.

 

I have a pending mortgage modification which would make the house payment affordable even on my unemployment (or a low paying job later).

I want to keep this house & am very happy here.

I'm using all the money I can scrounge up to pay to repair the dry rot, hole in the roof, etc before winter. SO has contributed nothing & now uses tax excuse to disconnect even further from helping out around here.

 

I calculated that he is only paying 1/3 of his take home pay on our house expenses yet he never has enough $ to do anything that is needed (ie house repairs or car repairs...). I know it's a power thing, but it sucks.

 

In closing, I know I need to end it with him, but I am determined to keep the house and a stable home environment for the 4yo...

 

4yo still seems pretty unaware of our basic dysfunction because we are very *nice* to each other. I'm doing everything I can to keep things running smoothly around here but I HAVE to continue this for a few more months until the mortgage mod comes through.

BUT I'm losing my ability to put on a cheery face every second...

I want to sleep in another room...but I'm trapped.

Ugh.

I know I am whining and everyone here will point to my front door and tell me to walk out. But I'm keeping this house come hell or high water. The only other option is complete failure (moving back in with family) & my pride will not let me do it.

 

Thanks for listening.

<3

 

Okay. I feel for you but :

1.do not marry him. This will make leaving him harder (much harder)

2. drive your car to another state/place where you can get a job/have family/welfare is better

3. create another, different stable home for your child. This will be much much much easier away from him. If you have family/good friends somewhere else it will be even easier.

 

This involves letting go of the house idea. Unless the house is in your name (?) I don't understand how you can "keep" it if you don't have any income.

[FarmGirl]

Okay. I feel for you but :

1.do not marry him. This will make leaving him harder (much harder)

2. drive your car to another state/place where you can get a job/have family/welfare is better

3. create another, different stable home for your child. This will be much much much easier away from him. If you have family/good friends somewhere else it will be even easier.

 

This involves letting go of the house idea. Unless the house is in your name (?) I don't understand how you can "keep" it if you don't have any income.

 

I don't need sympathy I just need a kick in the butt.

 

AND I won't marry him never fear!

 

The house is solely in my name and the bank is working on modifying my mortgage payment down to 31% of my unemployment so even a lower paying job than I used to have will still be ok. The payment would be nearly the same as renting an apartment.

 

I TRIED so hard to move out and go to my parent's farm but my mother is a narcissistic type person and the idea of living there just drove me into a deep and horrible depression. She's a backstabber, a liar and a judgemental ultra conservative religious wingnut (no offense to other religious people out there) and being around her sucks the life out of me worse than being here with SO (at least I think it does...). That farm is the only place I have to go at the moment and it's just out of the frying pan & in to the fire really.

 

Also SO will have to pay child support & he is currently being garnished for support for his other 2 kids w his ex wife so adding this kid will probably be pretty easy. Especially because he essentially abandoned them & hid from child support for years. No judge will give him sole custody of my wee one.

 

Thanks for replying.

I feel like I am going to burst from the stress at the moment.

 

 

PS (big PS)...I have worked for years on the soil & gardens around my home and am growing much of our food here. It's been such a labor of love and the thought of walking away from that as well as my cozy home just breaks my heart.

[FarmGirl]

I wonder if I am just "full of excuses" or if my reasons for wanting to stay here are valid. I know none of you can know this about me...but just the same if you have an opinion I can take it. I'm a big girl

[Holding-On]

Yeah. Sorry. I felt such a strong "run away" vibe. I thought about it after and realized that the house was probably yours (along with the car) and that you likely came from disfunctional parents to end up falling in love with this man in the first place.

 

I am very glad to hear you will not marry him.

Is he is paying for anything right now? Is there any benefit at all to having him in your house?

 

 

How hard, in actuality, will it be to get him out when the time comes? I'm guessing that in some states it will be very very hard and in some other states you can dump all his stuff on the lawn and change the locks. Have you researched this?

[Woman In Blue]

I have to say I'm a bit surprised that you didn't do your homework on this guy before you chose to have a kid with him. But does anyone anymore?

 

He's a complete deadbeat dad who hid for YEARS to avoid supporting his own flesh and blood. Since the state/government had to GARNISH his wages to collect what the loser tried to avoid paying, I'm ALSO going to assume that he had NO visitation with these kids either. That wasn't your FIRST red flag that maybe this guy wasn't Father of the Year material??? I can't imagine his kids were visiting on a regular schedule while he avoided paying for their support, so logic would dictate that you've probably never met these kids. That was a huge clue, right there.

 

What a collassal loser. Deadbeat dad, anger and control issues, and asking you to commit tax fraud. I wouldn't have gotten a goldfish with this low rent dirtbag - forget having a child with someone like this. Just so you know, he'll do his best to abandon your child and not support him when you finally get rid of his worthless ass.

 

Start evicition proceedings on this loser. Yesterday.

[FarmGirl]

Yeah. Sorry. I felt such a strong "run away" vibe. I thought about it after and realized that the house was probably yours (along with the car) and that you likely came from disfunctional parents to end up falling in love with this man in the first place.

 

I am very glad to hear you will not marry him.

Is he is paying for anything right now? Is there any benefit at all to having him in your house?

 

 

How hard, in actuality, will it be to get him out when the time comes? I'm guessing that in some states it will be very very hard and in some other states you can dump all his stuff on the lawn and change the locks. Have you researched this?

 

 

My dad is really wonderful but he totally enables my mother to be the hypochondriac tyrant of the family. The worst part for her is after making up stuff about her health for years and treating her children like they don't matter...she now has ovarian & uterine cancer and probably won't live very long. I've not seen her in a long time. I call once in awhile but it's so hard to pretend I'm the "good" daughter...my brother also has a strained relationship with her & I can safely say it's all her fault that she is now sick w/o much support from her kids.

 

You can't raise children like we were raised and then expect us to come running when your life takes a turn for the worse. I know that sounds terrible...but what else is there to do.

 

And yes my SO is similar in attitude to my mother. He is completely wrapped up in himself & his desires for his life. The rest of us are secondary or even just players in a game. We could easily disappear and he would go on pretty much the same as always after locating new victims for his warped attention.

 

Right now until the mortgage modification happens SO is paying the mortgage. He also pays the cell phones, the internet and buys some food.

 

I am paying all utilities, my own car insurance/ repairs, some food as well as tons of house repairs. I also do most of the upkeep or PAY to have upkeep done around here. I also take care of the 4yo 95% of the time. SO may be here on weekends but he's usually holed up in his office "working".

 

I never, ever, ever and I mean EVER get away from the 4yo. We're both suffering from being together too much. I'm stressed then I'm grumpy and then 4yo feels sad because he thinks he did something wrong. Then I spend tons of time reassuring him that I just have a 'headache' or something...and that he is perfect and I love him more than anything. Wash, rinse, repeat over and over and over.

 

I have two grown sons & a nice XH who would assist me when it comes time to boot him out. SO doesn't have the guts to get all legal on me...he has too many other legal issues to work out LOL...

[FarmGirl]

I have to say I'm a bit surprised that you didn't do your homework on this guy before you chose to have a kid with him. But does anyone anymore?

 

He's a complete deadbeat dad who hid for YEARS to avoid supporting his own flesh and blood. Since the state/government had to GARNISH his wages to collect what the loser tried to avoid paying, I'm ALSO going to assume that he had NO visitation with these kids either. That wasn't your FIRST red flag that maybe this guy wasn't Father of the Year material??? I can't imagine his kids were visiting on a regular schedule while he avoided paying for their support, so logic would dictate that you've probably never met these kids. That was a huge clue, right there.

 

What a collassal loser. Deadbeat dad, anger and control issues, and asking you to commit tax fraud. I wouldn't have gotten a goldfish with this low rent dirtbag - forget having a child with someone like this. Just so you know, he'll do his best to abandon your child and not support him when you finally get rid of his worthless ass.

 

Start evicition proceedings on this loser. Yesterday.

 

SO's XW has sole custody of their kids. I've met them twice. Once in 2002 & once in 2008. They call him by his first name.

 

I've done everything I could to encourage him to visit them as well as make sure he knew they could come here any time. He chose not to pursue a relationship with them. He spent 5 days there in July (making that 3x since July 2002 that he's seen them...) because his oldest son graduated from high school.

 

I know I'll have to use the state to go after him for support just like his XW did. I also know it was dumb to have a child with him, but there's no use beating myself up over it. The 4yo is my life now & I couldn't imagine not having him.

 

As soon as the mortgage mod happens I'll ask him to go.

Meanwhile I'm having the dry rot in the roof, eaves & siding fixed, fixing the gutters and painting the house as well as replacing bad appliances so the house is in tip top shape when it's just me & the wee one.

 

Thank you for your input, it's much appreciated.

[FarmGirl]

We live in a quiet neighborhood with excellent schools & I can most likely rent my large finished basement for about what my new house payment would be.

[Spark1111]

I sit here and for the life of me, cannot figure out what this relationship provides you.

 

What needs of your's does he meet?

 

Meanwhile, your 4 year old is growing up in a home where Daddy virtually imprisons Mommy, demands she take care of everything with no money, and.....what all else?

 

Children learn from what they see everyday! So you two are pleasant but he's a dirtbag control freak and you are a venting, stressed out door mat?

 

This is what normal is looking like for your son, so one day, he too can be a cheap controlling, uncaring, porn-addicted man to a totally stressed out but still rescuing his ass door mat.

 

What ARE you thinking here? And WHY so little money? On top of accusations of trying to kill his mother? But still being controlled.

 

Are you absolutely SURE their is no other woman at that 12-hour a day job he hides at?

 

Because that would explain everything.

[FarmGirl]

I sit here and for the life of me, cannot figure out what this relationship provides you.

 

What needs of your's does he meet?

 

Meanwhile, your 4 year old is growing up in a home where Daddy virtually imprisons Mommy, demands she take care of everything with no money, and.....what all else?

 

Children learn from what they see everyday! So you two are pleasant but he's a dirtbag control freak and you are a venting, stressed out door mat?

 

This is what normal is looking like for your son, so one day, he too can be a cheap controlling, uncaring, porn-addicted man to a totally stressed out but still rescuing his ass door mat.

 

What ARE you thinking here? And WHY so little money? On top of accusations of trying to kill his mother? But still being controlled.

 

Are you absolutely SURE their is no other woman at that 12-hour a day job he hides at?

 

Because that would explain everything.

 

 

Good question. I have no idea what I am getting.

A facade of respectability I suppose.

I'm not being loved or looked after in any way.

 

I'm afraid of looking like I failed at yet another relationship (in my parent's eyes).

I'm probably afraid of being alone although logic would tell you I mostly already am.

To your face I would tell you I have no fear of being alone...but I must...because I stay.

It's become so easy to see only the good things he does and ignore the cold-hearted things he does.

I know that if today you told me you'd take my 4yo for the day and that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to...I would have no idea what I wanted to do. I don't have any desires left.

 

SO is so secretive about everything, I've always assumed he had someone else (virtual or real)...but have no proof & have asked him about it and he obviously says that he doesn't...

 

It feels in a way as if this is all I deserve. Does that make sense?

 

Meanwhile poor 4yo eh?

[Holding-On]

Okay, so you are modeling your father's behavior to a tee here. And it is good that you know this and that you have some incentive to change (that is your four year old).

I do wonder how it is that you were able to find a "nice" husband the first time (what happened there?) but went back to your emotional roots as it where with this one.

 

I get that your brain is in a rut. He provides just enough money to keep you where you want to be: in your house in a nice school district and so on.

 

But... what if you had your nice XH and sons come and kick him out and help you get the suite/dry rot etc. all finished and help you get it rented out. Would not the difference of the suite rental make up for his piddling contribution - without all the stress and emotional abuse?????......

You - and your 4 year old - would be immediately better off.

Just saying.

[dreamingoftigers]

You want his validation that one day soon he will look into your eyes and say "you have been so good to me, going through all of this, I love you so much and you are the prettiest/most loyal/generous/loving/caring/tolerant woman in the world, you make this relationship a great place to be."

 

But he isn't going to say that because to him on a sex and love level you do not exist unless or threaten him or beg him. You know in your heart that this is true.

 

The more it looks like you might leave, the more dependent he becomes on you. I know, I have a financial leech too. Plus we stay because of the security of knowing we can push Button A and he will do B

[dreamingoftigers]

Plus he gives you just that 1% of hope that things will calm down, and just as you catch your breath and start to build yourself up: he tears if all down again because he can sense you pulling away.

[FarmGirl]

Plus he gives you just that 1% of hope that things will calm down, and just as you catch your breath and start to build yourself up: he tears if all down again because he can sense you pulling away.

 

oh my god that hit me like a ton of bricks

that's exactly right

[FarmGirl]

Okay, so you are modeling your father's behavior to a tee here. And it is good that you know this and that you have some incentive to change (that is your four year old).

I do wonder how it is that you were able to find a "nice" husband the first time (what happened there?) but went back to your emotional roots as it where with this one.

 

I get that your brain is in a rut. He provides just enough money to keep you where you want to be: in your house in a nice school district and so on.

 

But... what if you had your nice XH and sons come and kick him out and help you get the suite/dry rot etc. all finished and help you get it rented out. Would not the difference of the suite rental make up for his piddling contribution - without all the stress and emotional abuse?????......

You - and your 4 year old - would be immediately better off.

Just saying.

 

 

My "nice" ex was completely emotionally unavailable to me while we were married. He's only now growing up 13 years after we split

 

I am desperately afraid of being in yet another relationship that fails...I know the part in my brain that helps me pick a mate is BROKEN.

Seeing a counselor will help. I'll put it on my list of things to do hehe.

 

It's just 20 - 40 days on the mortgage mod, then I can rent the basement. Right now the payment is HUGE & I'd end up in foreclosure...

[OnyxSnowfall]

You NEED to get out of that relationship. You do NOT deserve it... in life we tend to try to recreate situations, especially negative ones --- this is something you are FAMILIAR with and so often we prefer the familiar before the unknown.

 

THE UNKNOWN IS BETTER FOR YOU.

 

KICK him OUT and do NOT let him back in.

It's hard as a single mother --- trust me I know --- but it gets better. How are you going to heal in your situation? How? Isn't your spirit more important than wasting your life on such a man?

 

What pushed me to leave my dead relationship (my ex was a nerd too, addicted to video games and at times physically abusive) was in realizing that my children needed to see me happy.

 

Children need that, they need that so they could learn how to be happy when they are adults --- they need to see their caretakers love, feel loved, and love them, and love, love love. LOVE. Otherwise they so often fall into cycles that are hard to break out from when they are adults, and guess what? Their children are also inflicted.

 

I didn't have anywhere to really turn when I left my ex and I had tried a couple of times before I was successful. When I didn't look back, I had a newborn baby (whom I was holding the last time he hit me and went to town on me) and a 4 year old --- I stayed with my father for awhile, sleeping on the couch but his gf didn't want us there (she had her 20 something son staying there already) and my mother has schizophrenia and refuses to take medication so she was not an option to go to. I ended staying with other family and friends, sometimes in a car, until I got on welfare and eventually became employed --- took a few months. The ex didn't work and lived with his mom so I was unable to receive child support (I still don't and it's been a few years) --- it looks like you'll have a financial advantage at least.

 

Either way, it can be done.

 

I know you just wanted to vent, BUT HOLY! Your story is PAINFUL and there is so much better for you out in the world. You don't deserve it, it's really just scary to uproot and impart but there is LIGHT at the end, there is.

 

If you have a faith, pour yourself in it and believe that you can be free and be better off for yourself and your little ones.

[dreamingoftigers]

Two things for you: Taming Your Outer Child

 

And EMDR therapy.

 

Plus I know a few of the major tear-down weapons they like to use. You ALREADY know what buttons he is going to push because he has done it so many times before.

 

1. Ignores you, maybe even encourages you to leave, laughs at you for wanting to.

2. Appears helpless, like "how can I order pizza for myself if you aren't here? You always do that for me."

3. Any form of withdrawing to the point where you feel that painful-alone feeling that you think that you can't get through.

4. Financial sabotage.

5. Letting you know everything that you did wrong to make things this way. Including "dumping your emotions and making him feel guilty." He should feel bad about what he has done to you, it would be a sign that he has a shred of humanity left.

 

Trust me, I am in your boat with you. You aren't betraying him by going. I feel that way often. We are not betraying these guys. We are not allowing them to betray us anymore.

 

 

You keep trying to talk to him explain things too, don't you? Like he just doesn't "get it."

 

You will be ready to truly leave when you realize that you could talk yourself blue in the face and project Power Point from your arse and he still won't "get it" because he doesn't want the responsibility of "getting it." it is much easier to be a victim to it and therefore do whatever the Hell he pleases.

[OnyxSnowfall]

(I tried to edit my first reply but a post came after mine too quickly... little one****, and, just to clarify, "negative cycles").

 

But I do also think the following is on spot:

We are not betraying these guys. We are not allowing them to betray us anymore.

[FarmGirl]

Whenever life gets tough I walk to a designated wilderness area (w/in city limits! so cool) nearby to walk & think.

 

The 4yo loves to go! There is a running creek, marsh areas, wildlife, huge oaks, firs and maples. Plus trails galore and when it rains zillions of mushrooms pop up. Today we picked blackberries and just walked together holding hands, it was bliss.

 

The thing I was pondering the entire time we were walking is why I allow this in my life? Why I can bend the facts to justify the way it is around here...I'm so good at this. I can make anything that is currently happening or has happened seem *so* normal in my mind. How is it that we can do this to ourselves?

 

It's not like I'm getting great sex (even bad sex might be nice right about now LOL), health insurance, dinners out, nights on the town, vacations, security for my future, nightly massages (I can dream) or even money. I'm getting NOTHING from this relationship. I think a hooker would be getting more from a situation like this than I am LOL!

He is getting everything from me that he seems to want...I am the perfect "wife". I have dinner ready most nights when he gets home. I make him coffee in the mornings before work. I do his laundry. I dropped my life and took care of his mom for months. I don't rock the boat except for very rarely when I've just reached my limit...

 

By nature I am a caregiver. It suits me to a tee to have his dinner ready. I love doing it. Of course he praises my kitchen work once in awhile...because it takes so little to keep me going these days that a dropperful of praise will get him dinners & coffee & laundry for a month.

 

I work so hard on our yards, garden and house to make them beautiful and clean and welcoming. Granted they're never perfect, but I do try.

 

I believe I am a good mom to the 4yo but lately I find myself thinking that I have become a horrible, stressed, impatient, disconnected mom.

 

Yet I'm so scared of that step that I need to take to become the kind of mom I know I am capable of...

 

So again I've come around in a circle & I wonder WTH is wrong with me.

 

Sigh.

[dreamingoftigers]

The "what the He'll is wrong with me?" staff can last years. The answer: nothing so bad that you deserve to stay here and take this.

 

As well, leaving someone is a big pressure and for women it is 95% final. Men always figure they can go back and are surprised when they can't.

 

We spend thousands of hours trying to improve a situation so we don't HAVE to leave it. The thing is, you know damn well that you can turn yourself into a human pretzel and it won't make a difference to a porn-addict.

 

They have a short-circuit in the gratification area of their brain where they keep deadening normal, healthy relational feelings. You can't fix it. Only he can, and he has no reason to as long as you are his human pretzel, bowing to his every need. And caving when you ask for your own needs to be met.

 

You don't have to leave him all at once, but you do need to for the sake of your soul and sanity. You need to detach slowly and attach more to yourself. Make some more money. Silently plan and move. Day by day. You don't need to make a ton of progress each day, but don't reverse any progress that you do make.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Maybe just focus your care-taking efforts on *you* and your little one right now --- where they truly count. Years ago someone told me: "If you don't look out for number 1, no one else will - then how will you be able to look out for son?"

 

It is not a bad thing to want to take care of others... it is a wonderful thing, it's just something that others can tend to take for granted and abuse. There is truth in we teach others how to treat us, but that does not necessarily mean we DESERVE bad treatment... it can mean we need to set boundaries and prioritize ourselves, not so we can be "selfish" but so we have enough energy and love to spread around.

 

Naturally it feels great to receive acknowledgement -- but maybe you just need to receive acknowledgement from yourself right now -- that you're unhappy but that you can change that. That you DESERVE more. Don't ever tell yourself you don't --- you will believe it, even if it's a lie. Belief is more powerful than truth. You just gotta believe you're better --- then you synchronize belief with truth and that's something beautiful.

 

Only you can make the decision, good luck in whatever you do --- I say this though, people who don't want to change flaws that hurt others, generally do not get better over time... for whatever reasons, they get worse. People just become more of how they behave/think/"are". If he isn't seeking help to deal with his issues now, I don't know how much hope there is for things to change. He may behave for awhile, but it will be a facade or at least, a half-hearted attempt. I don't think any amount of effort and giving you put into the relationship can change him either --- it's not you that has the issue here, it's HIM. There are MEN who would appreciate you and be kind to you.

 

I agree with just taking things day by day for now... but I really think it'd be best for you to guide the days towards starting a life without him.

 

(You seem really attuned to nature, a lot of solace can be found there... just listen to your heart =/)

[FarmGirl]

Both of you (dreamingoftigers & onyxsnowfall) encouraged me to start putting myself first (well, 4yo & I).

I'm sitting here searching on google re how to take care of myself.

I can't come up with ONE thing other than the 2 walks the 4yo & I took today...

I'm hopeless it seems!

[FarmGirl]

I've been torn up by the fact that I promised SO's mom on her deathbed that I would take care of SO & the 4yo...

She could no longer speak, but tears were sliding down her face and she gripped my hand so hard.

I feel like a horrible person for not honoring this promise. But how can I when he doesn't honor anything for me??????

[OnyxSnowfall]

You promised to take care of your SO & your little one?

 

Well, if one cancels out the other (trying to take care of the SO makes you unable to take good care of the little one), and one is impossible (taking care of the SO, because in the end he has to help himself)...

 

you may as well keep as much of the promise as you can =)

 

Take care of your 4 year old. They *need* it the most and will benefit the most from you.

 

I don't know how to help you with any guilt you may feel, only that I, if either of my two sons had children and behaved so poorly and treated their SO so badly... would want the grandchild/ren to be spared, even if it meant my own child/ren had to go through "growing pains" or pure suffering, as consequences for their actions.

 

Maybe that's harsh, but generally, children don't really have a say in what occurs around them... they just have to go with it and try to cope. Adults have the option of more freedom, for better or worse.