Ok I really really didn't need that.

[antinko]

I've been trying to get through the healing process, bettering myself, going out etc.

 

I went out tonight looking my best with a mate and I was going to try mingling with new people, but who should walk through the door of the establishment just in front of me when I arrived? My ex...and a new guy.

 

My ex never goes into this place, hence why I decided to go there. I like it in there. I thought I'd get some space, but no.

 

I know it's just horrible coincidence, but I feel like someone's laughing at me up there... She walked in at exactly the same time.

 

Anyway, we get to the bar and I'm trying my best to be civil. Reasons why I didn't feel civil:

 

1. Seeing your ex with a new person hurts obviously.

2. He was fat, short and not great looking. Why am I being replaced by him? It can't be sex - she loved that with me. It can't be looks...seriously. Maybe he's rich? I don't know. I am so angry right now. I know female attraction isn't just about looks etc., but I hit so many of the bases for a good, attractive boyfriend when we were together. I said initially when I joined this forum that I may have done too much for her...but in hindsight, I didn't. I was just a good chap.

 

I've left it five minutes before typing more to cool down. I'm not going to edit the above as I need it as a reminder to get a grip.

 

I think I'm getting over her, but that just felt like a kick to the gut. I know I'm being superficial by sizing him up, but after she insulted me making comments about me physically?! I'm a model compared to that clown!

 

Ok...calming down a bit more. I know I'm bitter and the above was a knee jerk reaction. I actually, somehow...somehow...managed to appear happy and confident at the bar, smiled and said hi to her. She looked distinctly uncomfortable at that and I guess she felt it...but I was focusing on looking cool. I think I looked ok. I didn't mention them after that to my friends...just sat down and engaged in conversation. I tried not to look at them when I walked past them either...

 

God. That sucked.

 

It was difficult because I couldn't exactly ask my mates to move to a different pub/club. I just had to suck it up.

 

I'm trying not to analyze it. I really just want to move on now...but I wish I could just erase her from my mind. She has her life to live and is obviously living it - I hope she's happy...certainly looks it...but I just want to be happy now.

 

I'm not crying over this. Initially, the inner caveman wanted to destroy the other guy (I wouldn't have - I'm a total pacifist...). I wanted to say all sorts... I wanted to rant at her about the above asking "What the hell is going through your mind?! THIS is my replacement!? What the...?!"

 

I didn't. If anything, she probably knew on some level how it was tearing me apart inside. I probably didn't do the most convincing job of looking cool either. Damn it. I tried my best...stayed out of their way, talked to my friends, played pool...

 

I just had to get this off my chest.

Edited August 10, 2011 by antinko

[Wesker]

I know that kick in the gut feeling. My ex of almost 8 years dumped me a couple months back. Less than a month later she's with this other knob who is way older than her, very chunky, talks like an idiot, and really not great looking. He does make a lot more $$ than me, but who cares about that. How do I know this? We all work at the same place, so there are times I have to see them together. At first I was like, really, you dumped me for that? Now I look at it as, wow, you really are desperate to cling to some guy just so you're not single. Maybe it's just me, but I have been noticing quite a few hot girls checking me out lately. If I was actually ready to start dating, I prolly would be asking them out.

[antinko]

I hope I can just forget her now. She rejected me - fine. I can't allow myself to reject me. Just got to keep on working hard and being me.

 

Hopefully having that kick in the gut is what I needed to help me start to properly get over her. I don't want to think of her now.

 

I'm bored of trying to analyse the past, her, everything. Need to keep looking forward like I was doing so well at...

[antinko]

I really hope I don't dream tonight... It's 1am and I've been putting off going to bed. I don...oh what's the point. You all know what's going through my head right now. I also know some of you, from reading what I've posted previously, know I know what I need to do.

 

I think I need to get out of this town, though. I really just don't want to bump into her. Ever.

 

Looks like I might need to start renting and put off saving for a deposit... Need space. I feel suffocated.

[Zaphod B]

There's a bar i go to every second Sat night and every time I go I dread the thought of running into my ex and seeing her with some other guy. Chances are I won't because she was never into the bar scene any way. And on top of that she is looking for a type of guy that just doesn't exist on this planet, so I can't ever see her finding a guy she will last more than a few weeks with. But I still really don't want to see her in my favourite bar with some other guy. That would suck completely and probably ruin my night.

 

So I can understand how you're feeling right now!

[0hpenelope]

Posting all of that instead of showing a loss of composure is, in fact, very cool. You behaved very well in spite of your discomfort when leaving would have been the easiest choice to make.

 

For some, leaving is a better option since they're not ready. But this is you. You stood your ground. She looked uncomfortable, but you can be where you want to be, whether or not she happens to be there, too. Now you know you can handle seeing your ex, even though you'd prefer not to. Bravo!

[Nohbody]

You did as well as anyone could be expected to do. If I'm ever unfortunate enough to be in the same situation I hope I can do so well.

[D-Lish]

You handled it well- holding your composure in her presence and venting about it where she has no clue how you really felt.

 

Maybt this guy was just a friend and nothing more.

[ScienceGal]

Definitely keep your composure... well done!

 

I have been seen with another guy once by my ex (ignored me) and once by his friends. But this guy is just a friend to me, nothing more... I am no where near ready to give someone else a fair shot. I don't suspect my ex to care at all...

 

If I saw my ex with a woman though, I would keep it together and then freak out when I got home and probably post it here too! I hate that he still gets to me and I still love him, but there is no way in hell I would ever let him know that!!!

 

I give you major credit!

[lymtal1]

Sounds like you played it best you could under the circumstances and you should give yourself credit for that. It does mean something. That can go to a piece of your healing and realizing that you are stronger than you may think you are. That type situation would have made all uncomfortable but you pushed through and vented where you should have. Now when I am in the same situation I will think of what you did and follow suit. So thanks for sharing..........

[fauxleather]

You played it well dude. The other time I saw my ex with a guy (they didn't see me), I nearly broke into a fit but luckily my friend was around to rationalize the whole situation for me. That guy even walked PAST me (I doubt he knows who I am) and for that moment I was like, seriously. Life can play such cruel jokes to you.

 

But I remain steadfast in my thinking that this guy is just a friend or someone she's using to fill up her void anyway. But let's say if she's really attracted or in love with this guy, it just shows how much of a bitch she is anyway and I didn't exactly lose anyone valuable.

[sleepykitten]

Well done, it sounds like you handled that amazingly well. I too found out out via fb my ex was with someone 2 weeks (probably before) after we broke up, and she is awful looking, i just dont get it, i just felt like nothing when i read all her wall posts about her wonderful perfect boyfriend!

[BrettLost]

Antinko,

 

Congrats mate. U have gotten through a major hurdle like a champ. Cool, composed, no drama well done. Afterwards like u did, u may remember and stew on *****, but at the time of it u remained (to her) unaffected.

 

Im actually very annoyed by his physical attributes, nothing against fat dudes.

Now guys wont normally compare themselves to other guys physically, unless there a fight brewin.. But if he is as u said, visually less appealing physically, it does make u wonder what she sees in him that ATTRACTED her to him.

 

Like u said,

Money?? He could spoil her rotten, be a yes man and give her the world...

Sweet talker?? Pump her up with that much confidence she feels unstoppable (alive as they say).

OR- my fear in my own situation also, is that u DID do too much for her.

 

Good honest guys feel driven to help out their lady live and move through life as easy and enjoyable as possible.(WTF is wrong with that?) Whether this means financial or just being agreeable when u know u dont wanna, they (from what i gather now) get tired of it.

They like a challenge.

Some dude who is *****, but can "become" the white knight. They like lumps of old clay they can then mould, show off to their girlfriends and them say "WWOW, i thought he was a real horses a$$, hes so awesome now".

Women do **** with men for the attention of other women to spark jealosy.

This is why dickheads get girls. Til they mature n wisen up, they'l put up with all sorts of a abuse, just to say THEY changed him.

 

I'l start a thread on that very topic.

[antinko]

Thanks for the replies. I'll admit that I'm taking this harder than I anticipated.

 

I got about three hours sleep. Yep, I tried not to think about it, but I know how she works... I remember the first time I was invited back to hers and we slept with each other.

 

I remember seeing her smile at that new guy in the same way I thought (foolishly) she'd only ever smiled to me. He wasn't 'just a friend'. This girl doesn't keep male friends...

 

She probably had a night of wonderful passion and she is probably in the same mind set that she was with me in the beginning of our relationship, probably even talking with the guy and making comparisons to make him feel secure...

 

I'm so exhausted. I wanted to do a five mile run today but I'm too tired right now. I've got kayaking later and I'll make myself go just so I don't feel totally defeated, but it sucks. I'm trying to 'better myself'. My month is packed...and I know I'm benefiting in some ways, but psychologically, I feel demoralized.

 

Here she is, dating again and having fun, and I'm trying to pick up the pieces of a broken heart and I don't feel like I'm going to find anyone else soon.

 

I have no idea how or where she found this new guy, but it seems that she can pick them up quickly...with that smile.

 

The sickening thing is, I feel like deep down she probably knows how she operates, but she only pretends to not want to be that way. Actually, I think she just lives for the thrill of the 'honeymoon period' and the couple of weeks of guilt she feels after breaking someone's heart is a price she's willing to pay.

 

I need to stop beating myself up. I'm at a point where I know I did nothing wrong in the relationship. I don't know why she rejected me, but all I can say for the new chap is that she can't be with him for any other reason than he's 'new'.

 

I don't think she ever loved me as an individual. I think she loved the possibility of what was promised, the idea, but then jumped when she realised the promise of the fantasy would become a reality...and that's boring apparently. I'm boring apparently. She didn't want to jump into bed with me anymore... That one really hurt. I mean, it still stings. There's nothing wrong with me, but she made me feel totally inadequate in that one sentence even though, the night before she dumped me, I had her screaming...in a good way. Sorry if that's too much info, but it's just another reason why the whole situation was such a shock and screwed up my head.

 

I'm stopping myself from having a serious tantrum. Really, I'm a very cool and collected person in most situations, but this break up has made me want to break things. I won't, but still...

 

I'm just getting it out of my system. I hope.

 

She said she's after the perfect relationship. How, after two months, can she be with another person? I know she doesn't know what she wants but. Ok, I need to stop this. I'm going round in circles still and I'm trying to analyze her. I just want to stop. I'm really trying, but I'm so angry. I am so angry.

 

I'm reading 'Getting Past Your Breakup' and it has some good advice in it. I'm definitely maintaining 'no contact' now. It hurts. It's difficult, but it's got to the point where any contact just hurts even more.

 

It's crazy but I feel like it's getting harder. I was devastated for a long time when we broke up and felt foolish for making stupid mistakes, contacting her, holding onto hope etc. But now I know there is no hope. Now I think I'm seeing her for the person she really is, I don't want to be with her, but at the same time...do? I guess it's the loss of connection. I don't want to believe she is the person she really is, the person I was warned about by my friends, by my family, before she broke up with me. I want to see the good in people, the good in her, but the only word I can find to describe her right now is: parasite.

 

I will forgive her in time. Mack's advice in the other thread was really good and the link he posted is excellent, but it'll take time for me to truly forgive her.

 

I'm worried because I want to move on, but I know I'm still grieving. I don't want a rebound, but I wonder if getting to know someone new would at least take my mind off her and maybe develop into something more worthwhile.

 

I wouldn't want to 'use' anyone emotionally, but neither do I want to cut myself off. I have learned, I think, that I don't need to think 'does she like me?' and instead, need to approach prospective partners more critically, but I don't know who I want. I don't know who to speak to.

 

I'm 25, I'm doing quite well in my job, I'm in shape and have good looks. I'm intelligent, quite outgoing and I'm enthusiastic. I'm a bit eccentric too, but not wild.

 

I've been out and about quite a bit over the past few weeks. I dated a couple of girls, kissed one who was stunning...but just felt empty. I couldn't connect. I need to connect with someone.

 

I fear I might sound desperate right now. I know I'm fine on my own, but I don't know. I'm not going out trying to seek the right partner, but I'm trying to be known. I'm not chatting up everyone I see either. I just don't know who I'm attracted to. I haven't really been attracted to many of the girls I've seen lately. There are lots of pretty girls I've seen with nice personalities, but there just hasn't been any spark.

 

My ex seems perfectly content and able to 'play the field'. Is this healthy behaviour? I don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm confident in myself as a person. I know I'm a good catch, but I don't broadcast that when I go out. I just look happy and socialize.

 

I feel like something's missing, though.

 

It's weird. All my exes, including current ex, have always been slightly wary when I've gone out with my friends and they've been at work or been elsewhere. It's always been them who have been worried that I might attract some other girl...and it's left me genuinely surprised. I've always replied with "Seriously? I don't really attract girls like that...I never actively 'pull' girls...I like you." And I've always felt a mixture of being flattered because they see I'm attractive and they obviously didn't want to lose me (at the time), but also annoyance because they've been a bit jealous and I felt like they were checking up on me...because I'm clearly a womanizer! Lol...yeh right.

 

I wish I knew why I felt jealous over this situation. I think about the good traits my ex has still and, after everything which has happened: she's quite pretty, she's good in bed and she was capable of loving me at one time.

 

The list of negatives could be an essay. Still, I worry because I put so much love into this person who clearly didn't deserve it. I will try and learn from this experience so I can find someone more compatible, but I just don't see that person right now. It's not that nobody is good enough, it's just that I don't see anyone who I think is right for me...

 

Finally, I know I'm writing a lot here, but I'm treating each post as a bit of a journal. I'm keeping in even parts I look at now while I check grammar and think 'come on dude, that's just silly', but I think I need to keep those parts just so I can make myself feel that way.

 

Thanks again. People on this forum rock.

 

Edit:

 

I read the above again and realize it sounds somewhat aggressive in places. I'm currently reading about meditation - part of me thinks I could benefit from it. Right now I'll do anything just to get over this... I also know I have to forgive her. I'm trying, really trying.

[antinko]

@Brett

 

I feel bad for making a comment about the guy's appearance, and it's nothing personal to him. People come in different shapes and sizes. What I was mostly annoyed about is the fact that my ex made so many negative comments about me, speculating what she thought she might 'prefer', and then seems to go for this guy who doesn't fit her description and, superficially speaking, is several leagues below me.

 

The problem is that I listened to much to her when, as I've said before, she doesn't know what she wants. Right now she's experimenting with all sorts and I won't be surprised if, over the next few weeks, I bump into her with a new man each time!

 

All I do know is that, while she operates like this, she'll never hold onto a guy who has self respect because they won't put up with her crap. I know I certainly wouldn't go with her again unless she grew up and came back pleading.

 

I realize now that it wasn't me who needs to change, it's her...if she wants any hope of getting what she claims she wants in the long run.

[radiodarcy]

I don't think she ever loved me as an individual. I think she loved the possibility of what was promised, the idea, but then jumped when she realised the promise of the fantasy would become a reality...and that's boring apparently. I'm boring apparently.

 

She said she's after the perfect relationship. How, after two months, can she be with another person? I know she doesn't know what she wants but. Ok, I need to stop this. I'm going round in circles still and I'm trying to analyze her. I just want to stop. I'm really trying, but I'm so angry. I am so angry.

 

Now I think I'm seeing her for the person she really is, I don't want to be with her, but at the same time...do? I guess it's the loss of connection. I don't want to believe she is the person she really is, the person I was warned about by my friends, by my family, before she broke up with me. I want to see the good in people, the good in her, but the only word I can find to describe her right now is: parasite.

 

 

I wouldn't want to 'use' anyone emotionally, but neither do I want to cut myself off. I have learned, I think, that I don't need to think 'does she like me?' and instead, need to approach prospective partners more critically, but I don't know who I want. I don't know who to speak to.

 

 

I fear I might sound desperate right now. I know I'm fine on my own, but I don't know. I'm not going out trying to seek the right partner, but I'm trying to be known. I'm not chatting up everyone I see either. I just don't know who I'm attracted to. I haven't really been attracted to many of the girls I've seen lately. There are lots of pretty girls I've seen with nice personalities, but there just hasn't been any spark.

 

wow. so much of what you wrote really resonated with me! your ex sounds like a female version of my ex. he had a terrible childhood and never learned to trust people - - especially women (which he specifically told me and should have been a HUGE red flag at the time)

 

so while he was weary of women; he also craved the security of a close loving relationship that he never had growing up. this resulted in a devastating push/pull dynamic where he would be very attentive one moment and cold and distant for another (for no reason whatsoever)

 

he was - - as you said a parasite. and while he never came out and said it,like your ex, he made me feel inadequate and boring. but over time i have realized that the reason i came off as boring to him was because i wasn't offering enough of a distraction from his demons.

 

hence, he treats relationships the same way your ex does: he jumps from one person to the other hoping to get that "fix" that's going to last and take him to that imaginary happy place where he never has to worry about those demons anymore.

 

it's a perverse, sickening form of denial that's enacted on others. and unfortunately it's not one that out ex's (and others like them) are able or willing to see until they hit rock bottom.

 

putting a stop to the analysis can be difficult. because we've been given so many mixed signals it's easy to get caught up in them. but once we start looking at the larger picture - - as you've begun to do - - you realize those mixed signals don't add up to anything - - they are merely part of the game.

 

chances are she doesn't know what she wants anymore than you do. she's just convincing herself that she knows because it's easier than doing what you're doing and looking within for those answers.

 

the fact that you're taking the time to do this means that you have a much better chance at finding that healthy, mutually loving relationship that your ex will find herself searching for - -quite possibly the rest of her life.

[antinko]

Thanks, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. She hasn't found another person because he's necessarily 'right' - that's highly unlikely, but I am taking time. I just couldn't jump into anything new right now, not unless it was some kind of miracle person.

 

I think I needed to see that last night. It hurt, but it kind of proved all my fears about her. I think I'm beginning to stop caring as well. She doesn't need 'saving' - she's who she is and maybe she is happy being like that, or at least happy enough.

 

I just can't do that, though. We're incompatible.

[reimeivn]

maybe she is confused too. infatuation works that way you know. i bet there is some other reasons she stays with him but she cant even spell it out. chemical in the brain you know.

 

its no use analyzing her neither, even though i know i would do too if i see my ex with his gf. you can bury it deep down for a little while until you feel better about the fact that you guys are now done and you have to move on.

[antinko]

I was going to write another lengthy post but just thought to myself, half way through, "Why am I analysing her still?" So I stopped.

 

I'm still hurting. I will hurt for a while. I need to focus on other things right now. It hurts to even think about her. She threw it all away.

[sleepykitten]

Antinko-everything you write I am feeling too! Its too spooky, honestly, I also want to meet someone but when I have kissed someone it feels empty and I dont want to rebound or emotionally use anybody but am wary of isolating and not getting out there enough, but at the same time I know I need to feel happy and ok in myself first. And god it is so crushing to know he ran straight into the arms of some chavvy trashy girl I can see all her fb posts (now blocked) but we had 2 ys together where I thought he really loved me. He was never good at being on his own and sad recently before this revalation that he had only just started feeling the pain of our breakup. I have gone nc now for good, he has hurt me way too much. The thought that he thought so little of me and us to just dive straight into something else, and continue to sleep with me and be with her and lying when i asked if he had met anyone else, is just too much to bear at the moment.

[antinko]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation kitten. The (perceived) thoughtlessness of the ex really does sting and it really is best to have no contact.

 

I really wish my ex lived further away so I didn't keep running into her, but I just have to live with that. I ran into her this morning actually, didn't say anything, but even though we kind of 'nodded and smiled' in acknowledgement, it still hurt because it was another reminder of how things changed between us. She's also sleeping with that other guy and it just makes me feel awful to think about it.

 

So I'm trying not to think about it. I'll update my journal with more detailed thoughts, but yeh, no contact is best...