Needing sage advice HELP!!!

[stepback]

HELP! What do I do now? Boyfriend and I broke up after 6 year relationship almost a year ago. I've been dating and meeting lots of new people for the past 4 months. Well....this is what brought me to this forum:

 

I met a guy March 19th at a party. Actually...I called him over to my table and introduced myself. I've NEVER done that sort of thing before...but for some reason...it just felt right. Well...turns out he's separated and lives in another state. However, his work requires that he be in my area 3-4 times a month...typically on weekends. He told me he has been separated for 4 months. We correspond through email and phone calls and then we met again about a week later when he's in town. Such a nice guy....and I'm really starting to like him. Ok...but I'm getting a slight uh-oh feeling.

 

During the next few weeks...we email...and chat on the phone...and now I'm liking this guy even more...sigh. Just before I meet with him agan.....the truth comes out. Ok...his definition of separation means that he hasn't had sex with his wife for the past 5 months. They have a 2 year old daughter (which I already knew about) BUT....they are both living in the same house...etc...etc. Not what I'd call a "separation." He claims the passion is gone...and has been for the past 5-6 months or so. Said he has tried everything...but just doesn't know where this is all going to go. SIGH!!!

 

Well....probably like a fool...i meet him again for just a couple of hours. NOTHING has happened up until this point....until just last night. We met againg for the evening...and the feelings were just too strong...and well...we all know what happened.

 

To all of you that have posted here and have experienced all of this...I need your advice ASAP!!! Yes...I think I'm falling in love with this man. Yes...I believe he is a good man...and I do believe he is having problems with his spouse...big ones. He called me today after what happened last night....just to check on me...my feelings...etc. I asked how he was doing...and he told me that if he's completely honest with me he'd have to admit that he's feeling guilt...but that he doesn't have any regrets because it was probably bound to happen between the two of us because of the direction it was going in. Maybe he's backing off?.....I don't know. When I ask him what's going on....where is his situation at home at.....he says...i wish I knew. SIGH again!!! I'm telling you....he really is a good man...I feel it. I know he's going through hell right now...and it shows. He hurts. I could tell last night....the guy has taken an emotional beating from someone. I also know it's his daughter that keeps him bound to to this situation. He adores her...as he should.

 

What advice would all of you give to me at this point. With all of your experience...and because this is just in the beginning stages....what would you suggest I do?

 

I hope this has made sense....because it's almost 5 a.m....and I'm tired...but just can't sleep. Thanks to all of you for reading this...and thanks in advance for your advice!

 

stepback

[Reckless]

You keep mentioning that this is a 'good man' as if that in itself excuses the actions or will be some kind of protection against the pain and suffering you are setting yourself up for; listen up, you will suffer same way with a good MM as with a cheating-bum MM. In this case intentions aren't worth squat.

 

The fact that he really is having marital problems and has been emotionally battered is neither here nor there, you are in a lose-lose situation and if you doubt it just do a little search here under other woman/man and spend your sleepless nights reading the hundreds of threads that start exactly, word for word like yours does (BTW I read your second paragraph and new exactly what was coming next..).

 

One of the things that strikes me again and again is that people feel that they will avoid disastrous situations when they feel like it, that they'll fall 'out of love' if someone speaks some good sense into them, that the heart will somehow say, 'No that's going to be painful, I don't want to go that way..' Fact is that once emotions and its oh so sticky cousin sex are involved the brains ability to listen to good advice is zapped to hell and you have little chance of getting out.

 

Okay let's say for the sake of argument that a few weeks and one night of sex means only 50-70% of your brain cells are disfunctional, what are the reasons for NOT seeking further involvement with a 'good' but very definitely married guy?

 

* His love of his daughter (still very young) in all likelihood will mean he will stay in his marriage for MANY more years. You will get second pickings, odd weekends that will become more and more lonely. Bitterness and resentment will build regardless of his 'noble' intentions. If pushed (and he will have to be pushed for you to get anything but shrugs and 'sighs' out of him, he will lie and tell you he'll leave. He won't not because he doesn't want to but because he can't)

 

*He's not in the right place. He may be the love of your life and you may be destined to be together but the fact remains that he is in an emotionally difficult situation and his struggles to remain or get out make him unfit for further involvement. He cannot and will not commit to you and even if he leaves his wife will be like an emotional car crash for sometime after the deed has been done. You are like someone that attempts to drive a car after it's been in a a 3 car pile up just because it still has a steering wheel. It might resemble a damaged but working model but you ain't going nowhere in it.

 

* I notice he said the 'passion is gone' may I venture to suggest the passion may be gone but the sex isn't? It is most likely he is and will continue to have sex with his wife, if only from time to time - in fact guilt is a powerful aphrodisiac and he probably went home and bonked her silly for the first time in months after he left you. He will lie to you about this because he does not want to hurt your feelings (he's good not a robot or a saint - sex happens, especially with ones partner)

 

*She (the wife) will eventually find out. They all do - especially if he is a 'good' man and feeling incredibly guilty; either he'll confess (not likely) or he'll slip up or his behaviour will change (see above). If forced to a show down a good man will probably choose his marriage.

 

*You will feel increasingly bad about yourself. What started out a consious choice will become an addiction. Like all addicted people clear thinking will be gone but you will have an awful lot of anger, pain and self loathing. You will be unable to let him go, he will be unable to leave you alone (for more than a few months at a go).

 

I wonder, as I always do, what it is about certain women (and men) when in this situation, at the moment when they CAN make a good choice, when the love isn't so strong they can't walk away, why they have so little faith that there is an available person that will give to them 100 per cent. Why in the face of good advice, they don't just say, it feels good to be with this person but it's the wrong time and situation and I have to save myself. Why people are not ready to suffer a little pain now to avoid more pain in the future. In short I wonder why so few do the right thing? Low self esteem? Like I said, lack of faith? Selfishness? Love? I still don't have the answer to that.

 

My advice - stop ALL contact with him for two months. Tell him you have to think about things and you'll contact him. Give it some thought, date (single) men that live in the same state as you. After that time, come back to LS read all the MM/OW threads again and if you still feel like it's a good bet, go choose your poison.

 

Maybe you'll listen, maybe not - either way, I wish you love and wisdom in the hope that they are not both mutually exclusive.

[devastated]

A "good man" does not cheat on his wife. A man or woman that cheats on their spouse is just trying to have their cake and eat it to. The wife of the man that you are having an affair with, does not deserve what the two of you have decided to put her through. Trust me she is an un willing participant in this threesome. I know this to be true I am the betrayed spouse and know first hand the damage that can be done.

 

If you have any respect for yourself find someone who is single. It is not all that often that the married man leaves his wife for the OW.

[befuddled11]

Please..don't delude yourself into believing he's a good man, and a poor ol' good man who's *cough cough* not having sex with the wife he's sharing a bed with. This is the oldest trick in the book.

 

He works out of town, away from home, how perfect for him. He's a player. A textbook player.

 

Likely the only reason he called you the day after you 2 had sex was to ensure his sidedish (you) was still along for the ride. He wasn't all concerned about your feelings, or worried that you might have feelings of regret at having slept with a married man...he's just continuing to pave the way to ensure he gets to hook up with you again in the future.

 

A good man doesn't misrepresent his marital status, or living arrangements with his WIFE. And if you REALLY buy this garbage about him and the wife not having sex, and having NOT had sex for the past 5 months, I've got a bridge to sell you.

 

I'm telling you....he really is a good man...I feel it. I know he's going through hell right now...and it shows.

 

Nahhh. He's just a really great actor. I'd bet the farm on the fact that you're surely not the first "fling" he's had. And he's going through hell? Yeah, right. He's pulling the old stunt of trying to make you feel sorry for him......that his situation is soooooo-oooooooo sad and difficult.....that he's such a "good man" because he's staying for his daughter. Bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda. You think his situation would be better once his wife finds out what a dog he is......and she takes him to the cleaners and he has to pay alimony and child support and may only get limited visitation with his daughter?

 

Guys like this are a dime a dozen. I've lived in lots of town where there's seasonal work, and a lot of transients. Guys coming to work for 3-6 months......doing major construction, oilfield stuff..........they live out of hotel rooms or they get themself a furnished apartment. They pretend to be single........but all the while, they've got a wife back at home who gets their paycheck.......and their devotion.

 

Back when I was 30, I had a similar situation to yours. Now let me preface this by saying I would have NEVER gotten involved with someone I knew was married. Ever.

 

I met him at the popular lounge in our small town. He was funny, witty, he cracked me up. He said he was in town for 6 months doing construction (a large project). The first thing I asked him was if he was married..........he answered it in such a way that lead me to clearly believe he was DIVORCED. He admitted to having 2 children. He loved to talk about his kids. He was as sexy as hell, but quite humble about it.

 

He and one of his coworkers rented a partially furnished apartment. His hometown was only a couple hours away. I had no reason in the world to believe he was married. At his place, he had pictures of his kids up on his dresser in his bedroom. There was definitely NO sign of him having a wife.

 

We dated for a few weeks. I was falling big time for him. We'd not yet slept together (err, had sex).

 

One night when I was there, I noticed the cord that plugged the phone into the wall jack was "out." That struck me as odd. Very odd. I asked him about it. He gave me this BS story about how he didn't want to be bothered on his days off by "work." I wanted to believe it, but wasn't totally buying it. When he was in the kitchen mixing himself a drink, I plugged the phone in. No sooner than 30 minutes later, it rings. The stunned, panicked look on his face was priceless. He answered it. I could tell by his tone that it was a woman. I went into the bathroom and nearly threw up. When he got off the phone, I confronted him. Yes...guess what? That was his wife...of 9 yrs. I was mortified and grossed out..that here I'd been dating, and sleeping in the same bed with someone's HUSBAND! I felt dirty and disgusted.

 

He tried to tell me that she was a nutbar. That she had all kinds of emotional problems and paranoia about everything from earthquakes to whatever. He told me this sob story about how her family had a very lucrative and successful family business.....that he was a part owner in..and that although he wanted to divorce her, he would get taken to the cleaners if he did......and that he didn't feel she was all that stable to be the only parent....as he felt that a judge would naturally award primary custody of the children to her, as he worked away from home. Bla bla bla.

 

And guess what else came out, as he continued to drink? That when he'd go away to work, his wife would ensure to put CONDOMS in with his stuff........because apparently she knew and was resigned to the fact that he was a cheating scumbag. How sad is that?

 

Had I WANTED TO, I could have believed his heartbreaking plight.....having to be married to a crazy wife who would take him to the cleaners and not be fit to raise the kids if he left. Cry me a river. But I knew he was full of sh*t and I knew I deserved so much more than someone's husband. And I felt incredibly bad for her. To this day I feel bad for her, she's obviously not strong enough to kick his skanky butt to the curb, I'm sure.

 

I'm sure there's thousands of women here who could give you a similar story about a guy they met who was working there from "out of town".....who in fact is very much married.

 

Don't be naive. Don't believe a word that comes from the mouth of a liar. And go get yourself tested for STDs soon because you can rest assured you're not his first (or last) fling, I'm afraid to say.

[stepback]

Thank you to everyone who took the time and effort to post a response. Believe me....your words have not fallen on deaf ears.

 

One of the things I failed to mention....but something that is VERY important: 23 years ago I married my highschool sweetheart. After 15 years.....and 2 affairs later....we parted. No, I wasn't the one having the affairs, he was. I know better than anyone what it is like to be on the receiving end of something like this. However, in retrospect....our marriage was in trouble before the affairs. Yes....I contributed to 50 percent of our problems and I was the one who rejected him (no passion left)....but once he crossed the line...well, that was all his. We divorced....and he didn't end up with either of the women that he had relationships with. Strange how things work out...isn't it? I swore that I would never do to someone else what was done to me. Never say never...right? Sigh...

 

Anyway....this whole post may be a non-issue at this point anyway. Seems my MM has given me somewhat of a cold-shoulder since the other night. Wow....I guess I'm getting what I deserved. At this point I feel pretty cheap.

 

Lesson learned.

[shay]

No need to be down on yourself. We learn from our mistakes, just be glad it was not after months and months of investing feeling. Then it would be an even harder lesson to learn. Take care of yourself. Our hearts lead us in various directions, but it is up to us to use our minds to decide what path we will travel.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by befuddled11

Please..don't delude yourself into believing he's a good man, and a poor ol' good man who's *cough cough* not having sex with the wife he's sharing a bed with. This is the oldest trick in the book.

 

He works out of town, away from home, how perfect for him. He's a player. A textbook player.

 

Likely the only reason he called you the day after you 2 had sex was to ensure his sidedish (you) was still along for the ride. He wasn't all concerned about your feelings, or worried that you might have feelings of regret at having slept with a married man...he's just continuing to pave the way to ensure he gets to hook up with you again in the future.

 

A good man doesn't misrepresent his marital status, or living arrangements with his WIFE. And if you REALLY buy this garbage about him and the wife not having sex, and having NOT had sex for the past 5 months, I've got a bridge to sell you.

 

Okay, send the bridge! The MM I am with said 40 months and he never would again unless he feels like he wants to induce vomiting.

 

Nahhh. He's just a really great actor. I'd bet the farm on the fact that you're surely not the first "fling" he's had. And he's going through hell? Yeah, right. He's pulling the old stunt of trying to make you feel sorry for him......that his situation is soooooo-oooooooo sad and difficult.....that he's such a "good man" because he's staying for his daughter. Bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda. You think his situation would be better once his wife finds out what a dog he is......and she takes him to the cleaners and he has to pay alimony and child support and may only get limited visitation with his daughter?

 

Guys like this are a dime a dozen. I've lived in lots of town where there's seasonal work, and a lot of transients. Guys coming to work for 3-6 months......doing major construction, oilfield stuff..........they live out of hotel rooms or they get themself a furnished apartment. They pretend to be single........but all the while, they've got a wife back at home who gets their paycheck.......and their devotion.

 

Back when I was 30, I had a similar situation to yours. Now let me preface this by saying I would have NEVER gotten involved with someone I knew was married. Ever.

 

I met him at the popular lounge in our small town. He was funny, witty, he cracked me up. He said he was in town for 6 months doing construction (a large project). The first thing I asked him was if he was married..........he answered it in such a way that lead me to clearly believe he was DIVORCED. He admitted to having 2 children. He loved to talk about his kids. He was as sexy as hell, but quite humble about it.

 

He and one of his coworkers rented a partially furnished apartment. His hometown was only a couple hours away. I had no reason in the world to believe he was married. At his place, he had pictures of his kids up on his dresser in his bedroom. There was definitely NO sign of him having a wife.

 

We dated for a few weeks. I was falling big time for him. We'd not yet slept together (err, had sex).

 

One night when I was there, I noticed the cord that plugged the phone into the wall jack was "out." That struck me as odd. Very odd. I asked him about it. He gave me this BS story about how he didn't want to be bothered on his days off by "work." I wanted to believe it, but wasn't totally buying it. When he was in the kitchen mixing himself a drink, I plugged the phone in. No sooner than 30 minutes later, it rings. The stunned, panicked look on his face was priceless. He answered it. I could tell by his tone that it was a woman. I went into the bathroom and nearly threw up. When he got off the phone, I confronted him. Yes...guess what? That was his wife...of 9 yrs. I was mortified and grossed out..that here I'd been dating, and sleeping in the same bed with someone's HUSBAND! I felt dirty and disgusted.

 

He tried to tell me that she was a nutbar. That she had all kinds of emotional problems and paranoia about everything from earthquakes to whatever. He told me this sob story about how her family had a very lucrative and successful family business.....that he was a part owner in..and that although he wanted to divorce her, he would get taken to the cleaners if he did......and that he didn't feel she was all that stable to be the only parent....as he felt that a judge would naturally award primary custody of the children to her, as he worked away from home. Bla bla bla.

 

And guess what else came out, as he continued to drink? That when he'd go away to work, his wife would ensure to put CONDOMS in with his stuff........because apparently she knew and was resigned to the fact that he was a cheating scumbag. How sad is that?

 

Had I WANTED TO, I could have believed his heartbreaking plight.....having to be married to a crazy wife who would take him to the cleaners and not be fit to raise the kids if he left. Cry me a river. But I knew he was full of sh*t and I knew I deserved so much more than someone's husband. And I felt incredibly bad for her. To this day I feel bad for her, she's obviously not strong enough to kick his skanky butt to the curb, I'm sure.

 

I'm sure there's thousands of women here who could give you a similar story about a guy they met who was working there from "out of town".....who in fact is very much married.

 

Don't be naive. Don't believe a word that comes from the mouth of a liar. And go get yourself tested for STDs soon because you can rest assured you're not his first (or last) fling, I'm afraid to say.