Do we "love too much"?

[ScienceGal]

I got to thinking that I might just love to much. I mean really, who can't let go of a 6 month relationship (besides me)? There must be something going on in this head of mine.. why am I so heartfelt? So, I Googled it... here's one list and I relate to some things listed. Anyone else? Any thoughts?

 

Characteristics of people who love too much by Robin Norwood

 

1. Typically, you come from a dysfunctional family in which your emotional needs were not met.

 

2. Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a care-giver, especially to people of the opposite sex who appear, in some way, needy.

 

3. Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom you can again try to

change, through your love.

 

4. Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

 

5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person you are involved with.

 

6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope and try harder to

please.

 

7. You are willing to take far more than 50% of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship

 

8. Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.

 

9. You have a desperate need to control your relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful"

 

10. In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of the situation.

 

11. You are addicted to the relationship and to emotional pain.

 

12. You may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.

 

13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.

 

14. You may have a tendency towards episodes of depression, which you try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.

 

15. You are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable, and interested in you. You find such "nice" people boring.

[Nohbody]

My Mom told me I love too much.

 

Come and get it, ladies.

[ScienceGal]

haha! I just laughed, audibly.

 

But seriously, I only see some relation to the list. I know I deserve better, and maybe I am learning because if I wanted to take his sh*t I would've kept my mouth shut and I'd still be with him!

 

But, if he called I'd still talk to him.. I wouldn't answer right away, but I would answer. So maybe I relate to the list more than I'd like to believe. Geez, I need to be tougher with myself if I want to find someone decent

[lymtal1]

Yup, for me what I have found out about myself is I possess about 90% of all the traits you listed. I did a review of all my relationships all the way back as far as I can remember and low and behold for the most part they all exhibited the same characteristics. So what that tells me after really looking into it is I am co-dependent and tend to be love addicted. Now that I know this I can begin to start working on me. Firstly I have to get over this huge gaping hole that has been torn in my heart. So I guess one step at a time.

[wilsonx]

15 is my number one problem has been my entire life. I remember I use to have a couple female friends that always kept pushing dating with me on this issue and I remember telling myself shes boring, I dont want to date her in all actuality, I would probably have had the most success with them, then I ever had.

 

I was reading the rest and there are a couple that apply to me. I've researched caretaking via google and there are always a couple in a list that apply to me, not more then 1/4 of the list though. I do have personal boundaries that apply to a lot of the things but obviously they weren't enough.

 

This was a good list. It gives me room to grow.

 

Here's a good article for those that are caretakers to eliminate the behavior.

 

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14672-eliminating-caretaker-behavior/

[sleepykitten]

Yep-I read this book about 4 yrs ago, it really helped me identify my issues and I got in touch with someone for therapy, as i had a really bad love addiction. Still, find myself in this place again, although now i am more self aware and have the tools and knowledge-it still hurts like hell and stops me dead in my tracks sometimes. I havent really eaten for a week, and after work went home and just got into bed. Some days are better than others but its a constant battle.

[ScienceGal]

8,9 and the last part of 11 do not apply to me, but the others do.

 

@wilsonx: insteresting link. I'm going to have to read more about it though. I feel like i correlate caregiver as the only way to show someone how much i love them/value the relationship. Just being myself and being happy isnt enough. I would have to say that I definitely take on the caregiver role with boyfriends (though not really other personal relationships).

 

This last time I found myself buying household items, clothing, bringing him food at work, taking time off from my job to help him with projects, etc. I was trying to support him any way that i could. I felt like I was doing a lot and started to get resentful that he wasnt doing more for me. I noticed my behavior but didnt know it had a label. I would have little internal arguments with myself about whether I should or should not buy/do something. This behavior and feeling exhausted from it made me stressed to the max.

 

I am glad to be making some connections... I will definitely be researching this more.

Edited August 11, 2011 by ScienceGal

[antinko]

Being the inquiring type, I've read an awful lot on this and other aspects of relationships, but I still find it hard to accept a lot of the theory.

 

What on Earth is wrong with 'loving too much'? What is 'too much'? I think about my last relationship and I realise now I beat myself up far more than I should have done simply because I just couldn't understand why it went wrong. I didn't chase around after my girlfriend: I simply made reasonable sacrifices sometimes to ensure her well being because she is (was? still is?) vulnerable and no other male had shown her such regard before.

 

It cost me little. Yes, it is true that I had my own challenges and, yes, I might have benefited more individually by prioritising certain parts of my life and job sometimes, but I helped work on her because it was part of 'us'. I never once felt like I was doing this for 'her', it was just 'us'. I wasn't taking care of her out of fear that she'd run away or to control her: I was simply doing what I felt a good boyfriend should do! To be honest, I was glad when she did start picking herself up as that was always the intention - I never sorted her issues out: I just tried to give her the emotional support and belief that she was worthy of her job, a great person and could do it...

 

And she sold me the idea that she was totally besotted and head over heels in love with me. It turns out in the end she fell out of love. I do not know why and no amount of analysis gives me any answers - I just have to accept that we turned out to be incompatible. Or maybe she used me. I don't know. Trying not to think about that one too much.

 

Anyway, back on topic: I came out of the relationship criticizing myself thinking "Oh, maybe I'm codependent" and "Oh, maybe I should have been more of a 'challenge'"...WELL BULL**** TO THAT! No, I say this, not just for myself, but for everyone else out there who just did their best for the relationship, but got rejected...

 

You didn't get rejected because you loved too much: your partner simply didn't love enough and it's their loss.

Edited August 11, 2011 by antinko

[thelovingkind]

I don't fit everything on this list, but quite a bit. I'm starting to wonder if I have more issues related to family than I used to think. I have never ever connected emotionally with either my mother or father since a very young age. The bond just wasn't there. I thought it was icky and weird that my friends had heart-to-hearts with their parents during which they'd sometimes cry or something. I didn't realise I was the "weird" one for having a totally stilted, distant relationship with mine. But I used to just think it was our own family quirk and not a real issue. But now I see how it could really have affected me, having two emotionally unavailable parents. And many of the other symptoms. :/

[ScienceGal]

What on Earth is wrong with 'loving too much'? What is 'too much'?

 

You didn't get rejected because you loved too much: your partner simply didn't love enough and it's their loss.

 

That last line is the conclusion that I have come to. If he loved me enough, we'd still be together. But, I also wouldn't be growing as a person and discovering things about myself. I don't ever plan to love any less, I just strive to be smarter about what I am putting on the line so soon.

[antinko]

That last line is the conclusion that I have come to. If he loved me enough, we'd still be together. But, I also wouldn't be growing as a person and discovering things about myself. I don't ever plan to love any less, I just strive to be smarter about what I am putting on the line so soon.

 

Good on you. I think we might both be at similar stages in our grieving perhaps. Don't feel obliged, but I've started a 'coping journal' which I'll write in regularly if you'd like to follow it. It can be found here.

[horizzon]

I meet with every single one of those.

Question is: How do you stop?

[SillyS]

Stopping is a slow process. I think the key is really taking apart pieces of that, because honestly being caring as a human being and "loving strongly" in some regards makes us unique. I think when we see our loved ones or the one we love struggling, we are able to be there for them. We are compassionate, we are kind people at the end of the day as well. I remember a few months ago when my ex was stressed about a lot of things, I was able to talk to him every night, was able to move my schedule around and sent him things and help him find a new place to live etc. So we have to be able to say, when individuals we love are struggling, they will come to us if they need help, but that simply being there and loving them is enough.

 

We don't have to save everyone from burning buildings, because they don't always need us to and at the end of the day they need to go through things themselves so they have the opportunity to be stronger as individuals and learn. Thus we have to draw a line, we can do things to make others lives easier but those things are not the reason they love us or don't love us. Even if a boyfriend is not in our lives anymore, we have learned this behavior from our families and friends. We learned to be rewarded for the things we do from them, thus we have built this idea in our heads that what we do is a large reason for why we are loved and not simply who we are. Thus its all about stepping back from that idea, and really nurturing ourselves instead. The focus on our family, friends and boyfriends (exes) has shifted our own focus from ourselves, and thus in order to not put ourselves in these positions again, we need to learn to really change what we do and how much we give of ourselves.