When's it appropriate to propose?

[Servo]

I've been in a same-sex relationship for 4 months (we're both bisexual), and we've come to the point where we're both thinking about "forever." We've known each other a couple of years (lived together for the same length of time), and I'm just trying to figure out when it is appropriate to ask my gf to make it forever. The truth is, she completes me, and she's made me so much of a better person. We have a deep, devoted relationship built on intimacy and trust. But, we have a couple of problems: 1) our families don't know and may not take our relationship so well, and 2) we don't live in a state where same-sex marriage is appropriate. This is my first relationship ever (mid-20s), and her (late twenties) first that lasted more than a couple of weeks. We both want it to last forever, and I don't mind having a long engagement (moving to another state or waiting out court decisions/laws takes time), but is it appropriate to ask for a promise to be legally each other's at this stage?

 

Thanks!

[Kelemort]

Personally speaking, it's too soon. You're probably still in the infatuation stage - learning about someone in the context of a relationship is different than knowing someone in the context of friendship. And if it is meant to be, nothing's going to change that a year or so down the line from now. But there are still many things you probably have yet to experience as this woman's girlfriend - going on trips together, doing a project together, figuring out life goals and morals (will you have kids? How will you raise them? What about religion? Etc.). These are just some important hurdles you need to get through before you can decide if this is the person you want to be with.

 

And that aside, people change after the newness of a relationship wears off. People change over a period of time - and often it takes longer than just a few months for that to surface. You do have an advantage because you've known her for years, but I still say to treat it seriously and cautiously. Enjoy the beginnings of this relationship.

 

Maybe this is something you can revisit around the year, year-and-a-half mark. What also gives me pause is that this is your first relationship and one of her first longer relationships. Sometimes it just works out that way and you're right on the first try, but a little caution won't hurt anything.

 

TL;DR version: it's too soon. Wait another year or so and revisit the idea of making a more formal and serious bond between the two of you.

 

As far as your family goes? You are out from under their roof. I understand families might not be accepting...I have many friends from the LGBTQ circle. The worst story I have heard is from a gay friend whose parents will not meet his boyfriend - because they think he's going through a phase. He's 33-years-old. It's not a 'phase' anymore! But that's the brunt of it. They have told him once or twice they don't approve, and I know it must hurt him, but he is so much happier being open and honest about himself.

 

Start dropping hints to your family. And on a day when everyone's in decent spirits, pull out a photo of your girlfriend and say, "Mom, Dad, I've been waiting to tell you about this for a long time, but this is my wonderful girlfriend, Jillian." And see where it goes from there. Yes, it may be shocking or surprising - but people usually DO and WILL get over that. Even the most religious and conservative. Their love for their children often eventually overpowers the need to have a straight child. Just don't tolerate abuse.

 

I have seen parents try to control their kids, telling a gay son he can't kiss or show any affection toward his boyfriend whatsoever in their home.

[Art_Critic]

About the only advice I pass along is to never propose after sex, no matter where the location is the proposal just will never come across as sincere if done in the heat of passion or just after.

[make me believe]

I see a few red flags in your post.

 

1) You've only been with this girl for four months

2) It's the first real relationship for both of you

3) You are saying things like "she completes me"

4) Your families don't know about your relationship

 

You are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It's a wonderful time that should be enjoyed, but NOT taken too seriously. Four months is WAY too soon to be thinking about marriage. Your parents don't know about your girlfriend, so do they even know that you are bi? If not, why not? I think you need to be adult enough to come out to your parents & be honest about your relationship before you can be considered adult enough to enter into something as serious as marriage. If you are afraid of their reaction & if they do react badly, you may just need to cut them out of your life. But what else are you going to do -- keep your relationship hidden from them forever??

 

Enjoy this time with your girlfriend. Don't rush things.